I am working hard to keep the homefires burning bright, but it gets harder and harder with no relief in sight.
I hate only having e-mail and the occassional phone call to cling to, but I know it's better than nothing. Still, lately it has been practicially nothing. I've reveieved one e-mail from my husband. Now I know that he is working hard and getting little sleep, I get it. What worries me is the time ahead. Is this all that I can look forward to for six long months?
Love's a heavy weight and I don't think that I can carry it all alone. I can't keep the homefires burning for both of us. He has to do his part too. I'm not sure he gets it. I'm not even sure he cares.I sat down and wrote a list - 10 things that would make my life easier while you're gone. I'm not going to give it to him. Why bother? I'm not sure he would read it, it may even seem ungrateful. I have a terrible habit of always coming across in the wrong way when talking to my husband. It usually never goes well.
Here's my list - I have to share it with someone, even if it is just myself.
1. Please leave plenty of emergency reserves so that I don't have to worry. The car may need something, my washer is as old as our oldest child and both the refrigerator and the microwave are on the fritz. It's only a matter of time...
2. The price of gas is killing me. Please increase my monthly budget to allot for this. This will be the first 'raise' in 5 years.
3. Please check the shutters, gutters and roof. I don't want anything flying off while you are gone and you know how bad the wind here gets.
4. Please forget about getting the lawnmower fixed and let me keep the lawn boys.
5.Occassionally think about the girls and I - an e-mail once a week just isn't cutting it, especially when I know there will be times that I won't even get that.
6. Plan ahead. Did you ever think that I might like a little something for halfway night? A love letter would be great - it doesn't have to be something you buy. Tell me how you feel, that would be the greatest gift you could give me.
7. I am running on empty emotionally. Fumes.... how will they get me through this long time ahead?
8. Tell me that you love me so I don't have to worry while you are gone. Tell me that you'll do your best to be safe, because if you haven't figured out that when you leave my heart goes with you... well, you aren't as smart as I know you are.
9. Fill out all proper legal papers.
10. Must have POA's for everything. I can't function any other way. How can I do the job you expect me to if I don't have to the tools?
Really I just want to say... Don't go. Like Rose in the Titanic as she is about to be swallowed by the Ocean - Don't go. Stay here with me. I know he can't. I know he has to go. I know it's my job to send him with a smile. God, can you imagine - a smile? How will I do that? I don't think I will be able to smile for the next long time.... Good thing it's summer or my face could freeze with this unhappy look. Somehow, I have got to keep it together for myself, my children, for him, for all the people counting on me... Shit. Guess I'll have to put off the breakdown indefinitely....
Ok, the pity party is over for now. I feel better already and now, I must face the day. Another day, without him. Memorial day - yet just another day. One more day and one more day and one more day... I feel like the little engine who could - maybe if I tell myself it often enough, I really will survive the next little while.
Monday, May 26, 2008
I am working hard to keep the homefires burning bright, but it gets harder and harder with no relief in sight.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
I am on the edge of a cliff facing the great abyss, the chasm of the long goodbye. Every time i feel like I will handle it better this time, I'm more prepared, I can DO this. Yet every time I feel engulfed by all the same emotions: despair, hopelessness, loss of control and so much more. I feel like there are so many emotions bottled up inside me that if I have to deal with just one more, I'm going to explode.
In order to be prepared to do the things that I am going to need to do, I have to first deal with my own issues. Sometimes I feel at a loss as to how I will even do that. At times I feel so overwhelmed that I grasp for even a place to start. I guess I have to come to terms with my own issues and my own feelings first before I can deal with other issues or help others with their emotions.
So here's the thing. I'm hurt, devastatingly so, and I'm angry. I have all these emotions pent up and memories from last year that I thought I had dealt with and moved on from which are apparently still there somehow, like a splinter in my heart that is just festering.
I have all this anger - rationally I know that I shouldn't, but I do. I feel angry that my husband is leaving, even though I know that this is out of his control. I feel angry that so much of our time is shared and we have so little of it to begin with, and worse, I feel angry when he's tired all the time. He makes an effort to spend time with me, but honestly it's like being with a zombie - someone who is only half there. I sense this and I get mad. I get mad because I feel like I shouldn't have to feel second best or take second place, though rationally, I know that for right now at least, I must.
Do you see my conundrum? I GET that what I feel isn't right, isn't rational, but I can't stop feeling it and I can't change it. I WANT TO CHANGE IT, but I just don't know how to let all these feelings go.
Every cruel word - even those I know he didn't mean - they all weigh on my heart. Every careless comment like how it wasn't "worth it" for me to travel to see him, they each weigh on my like a planet of pain and regret. As I said in the past, I know that my man is not the "throw caution to the wind" type, but once, just once - because he loves me, I wish that he would.
I pour my heart out, in letters, in pictures, in blogs and I wonder: does he see? Does he know? Does he understand that it kills me to watch him walk away? Especially knowing that my job is to watch him go with a smile on my face. It seems like an impossible tasks.
How can I let these feelings go? How can I take the anger out of my life that is eating me and my marriage like a poison from inside? I just don't know the answers and I feel like I'm just groping in the dark. Still, I keep searching for a way to find the light. Any thoughts? Suggestions?
Monday, May 19, 2008
Whnever I am feeling sad or lonely, I love to hear love stories. They are always so happy and full of hope and promise. The best thing about them is that everyone loves to share their own love story, and I am no different than anyone else.
Mine started with a letter in the mail. At 23, I finally went back to college. I worked very hard and maintained a 4.0 GPA, an accomplishment that I am very proud of. One day I received a letter in the mail - from Phi Theta Kappa - the International Honor Society of two year colleges. The letter invited me to attend a meeting and be inducted as a member. I was so excited!
Here I was about to celebrate the progress that I was making in my life, about to enter a new phase in my journey. I was on a CUSP - you know, those moments that change everything - I just didn't know how big the CUSP was.
When I arrived at the meeting, I realized that one of my best friends was there. She was already a member and she began immediately introducing me around. I'll never forget that moment, " I want to introduce you to my friend, this is Robert Schultz." Now, if you are a Kappan, you know that they are a big group of huggers. As I hugged him, I knew that my whole life had changed. I knew that knowing him would effect me forever, but I had no idea how. I looked into those big grown eyes, and I just knew that everything was different. No, it wasn't love at first sight, it was more a sense of "knowing"... the feeling that I had known him before, or recognizing him perhaps. I believe it's like that when you meet your twin flame - the spark in each raises as you recognize each other, the flame burns brighter when reunited.
Since that day, so much has happened. Robert - he became my best friend, my soul mate, my lover, my husband, and finally, the father of my babies. He's the first person that I want to share all my good news with. He's the first person I want to share my burdens with. He's the person that challenges me to be the best person that I can be. He's my inspiration, my joy, my hope, my dreams....all neatly packaged.
We've been together 12 years now. I always thought husband was such an antiquated word, until it attached itself to him. I thought wife was an outdated mode of thinking, until it meant that I belonged with him. Now, I just want to remind myself everyday how lucky I am to have found him.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
I know that Mother's Day was two days ago now, but I wanted to honor my mother and today seemed like the perfect day to do so. Polaris - that may seem like a strange title for a post about someone's mother, but it isn't. That is what my mother has been in my life, my constant, the North Star.
I wish I could say that I was always the perfect child who did everything in the manner that I should, but that would be a lie. My teenage years were very troubled. It was a difficult time in my life that began really when my grandmother died and sank further on the slippery downward spiral when my parents divorced. None of my actions are their fault, I made my own choices. I try to own up to the choices that I made.
I hurt my mother in so many ways, disappointed her, worried her and caused her an untold amount of grief - all to my everlasting shame. When I was young, I thought I understood life. I thought that I knew it all, and that I had nothing left to learn from my mother. Lucky for me, in her wisdom, she knew better. All through the lies, the pain, and the terror that was those dark years of my life, my mother's love was there - shining like the North Star, pointing my way back home. All I had to do was look up, reach out and see her there - loving me no matter what.
It's hard to believe that my mother made it through those years, still loving me. But, somehow, she did. My life didn't get better over night, but, slowly but surely through her patience, I made my way back.
When I had a child of my own, I finally understood how little about life that I actually knew. When I became a mother, I finally understood the pain that I had caused to a heart that did nothing but love me. I tell my mother often how sorry I am about those years and those times, and I try to show her how much I love her. I know though, that no apology or amount of love could ever repay the unconditional faith and love that she had for me all those years.
I guess the greatest tribute that I can pay to my mother, is to try to be Polaris for my own daughters. I hope that they won't make the same mistakes that I have made in my life, but if they do, I will be there loving them and hoping to guide them safely home.
Mom, I know I don't say it often enough - but THANK YOU, so much.... for EVERYTHING. You really are my hero, my inspiration and everything good that I may be is a mother, is all because you taught me the way with your love.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
I just finished Ombudsman training last week. Whew, what a week it was. I had training every night from 5:30- 9:30, and the topics that we discussed were so beyond anything I even anticipated. I am by no means a new Navy wife, hubby has been in for 13 years, and I have been "in" with him, for 8, (9 actually, but I feel guilty counting school time...) yet even I was surprised by how much more that I could learn.
I realized that accepting this responsibility would be a big job, but I had no idea how big. One night, our instructor came in, slammed the door and YELLED," This is an emergency, there's a submarine down, presumed LOST." That is the moment that it hit me, if the unimaginable happened, I would be one of the first people to get that call. That was a really hard pill for me to swallow.
You may be wondering what all this has to do with faith and trust. Well, it was actually my graduation ceremony from Ombudsman training that got me thinking about this. Our boat's captain was there to see me graduate, and my husband and children were there as well. After the ceremony, the Captain gave me a Commanding Officer coin with our ship's logo on it, a token for accepting this responsibility. Collecting this coins is the new "thing" around here - it's a really big deal to receive one.
My husband received a coin the same night. Now, here's what got me thinking, he received his coin for a years worth of very hard work. I received mine for what the captain believes I WILL do. It's daunting when you think about that. My husband earned his coin, I haven't yet. Our captain has every reason to trust in my husband's duty, devotion, hard work and ability. All he is going on with me is faith.
It's my job to help take care of all the families on our boat while our sailors are deployed, and knowing just a little about me, our captain put his faith in me. It's humbling. I truly hope that I will live up to his expectations and give him reason to trust in my ability, as my husband has. I hope that I will make my husband proud, but most of all, I hope that I will be able to help those that need it when the time comes.
I'm praying that won't be at 3 am to a phone call saying that something terrible has happened to our boat. Scary.
Sunday, May 4, 2008
I've been doing a lot of talking about books lately. I found what I thought was this awesome site called the 50 book challenge. It's a place where you talk about and critique the books you have read. The only thing is, the members aren't very nice. The only time they comment on your thoughts is to let you know your graphics are too large for their Dial up or to spell check you. ( Sorry, I'm a mom who does most of my writing very early in the morning, occasionally spelling mistakes happen. Ugh.)
So, since I loved the idea so much, I started a group on Cafe mom for any of you who may want to join in. The idea is to read 50 books in a year. Here's what's cool though - YOU pick the books. It can be any book you want. There isn't a length requirement. There won't be any scripted questions to "make you think" or lead a discussion on the subject matter as with other book clubs. There is only you, your choices and your thoughts on them.
I created this group because I love to read, and I love to see what others are reading. Just click on the new banner above to get to the group. One word of caution to my male members - you will be asked to join Cafemom. If you are interested in participating, and I would love to have you, I highly suggest creating a "female persona" to join as some women haven't come as long a way as they say they have. Discrimination is rampant on the Cafe against any human being that happens to have a penis. I have no such qualms.... I actually enjoy that half of the population - most of the time. :)