For any of you that haven't seen "The Bucket List", you definitely should. This song says it all today... Actually, I think this song says it all every day.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
Friday, April 24, 2009
I hate it when I feel life spiraling out of control. But honestly, when doesn't that happen? Even though I am OCD to the extreme, even I realize that control is just an illusion. Still, it is an illusion that I cling to.
Right now everything feels unorganized, starting with the laundry that I need to put away and spiralling all the way through my life and ending with my weak attempts to make plans for the summer. Everything in my life is on hiatus right now.
So far, my husband and I think we are staying where we are, but until he actually reports to his new job, anything can happen. At first, it looked like we were getting out of this hell hole that he calls a job a little early, only to find out that we are leaving at exactly the time we were told that we were. Ugh. I just want my husband off the boat and I surely don't want him going on sea trials with it. All of that is totally out of my control though.
I don't know what is going on with my father's illness. He is now halfway through his radiation treatments, and so far so good. Still, one of his legs is swollen and I am unsure if they are going to allow him to have any further, follow on treatment. I don't know what impact further treatment will have on his health and lifespan. One of my sisters was supposed to spend the last two weeekends there, but neither happened. I'm not really sure what is going on or when they will visit as planned. Both of my sisters kind of fly by the seat of their pants and that makes me absolutely crazy!!!!!
I am trying to plan a trip over the summer to take the children to visit my mom while I go and care for my Dad. My one sister works as an airline captain actually and she is also a full time single mom, so her life is crazy. The other doesn't work but she is just going, going, going all the time. Neither one seem to really understand the constrictions put on my life by my husband's crazy job. For example, I can't just get a babysitter to help and then leave my children here with him. I don't know what is going to happen from one day to the next at his job and things only appear to be getting worse. He is so stressed out and morale there seems, from the bottom up, to be at an all time low - just one more reason I can't wait to get off the boat. ( There was a time I never thought I would say that... Strange how things change)
My youngest has her ballet recital coming up this month. That means three days a week rehearsals, dress rehearsals, picture night, etc... It's wonderful but it also adds a lot of stress during an already stressful time. I guess I just better hang on because it looks like life is going to be like living on the edge of a black hole for a while.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
I am a Facebook fanatic, but this post really isn't about that. This post is about the last 10 years of my life and how coincidences happen, reunions occur, often in the most unlikely of places. Two days ago, a dear friend from my past found me on Facebook. In recent years, due to many moves and other factors, we had become little more than yearly Christmas cards to one another. Now, thanks to Facebook, we can once again be apart of one another's lives, no matter where we live. Isn't technology wonderful?
If you have an account on Facebook, you know that it often suggests other friends for you. People you may know. Yesterday I received a friend invite from a friend that I hadn't talked to in probably just under 10 years. Weird.
Today, in one hour and 36 minutes, my oldest child will be 10 years old. Here's where the unlikely coincidences come in:
Ten years ago yesterday, my husband and I went to the movies with some friends. Dan and Lisa. Like us, they were newly weds, but unlike us, not about to become parents for the first time. As we sat in the movie theatre, I was huge and uncomfortable. We saw a horrible movie - I don't even remember the name. The funniest thing I remember about that night is that I sat in between Robert ( my husband) and Dan. At some point the baby moved, which at that point meant that my ENTIRE stomach shifted. Dan was understandably more than a little freaked out by the whole event. After all, it did look more than a little like I had an alien inside of me.
Robbie and I went home that night. It was late, but even so, I couldn't get to bed. He put the finishing touches on the nursery. We were expecting the baby to arrive in four days, so we were trying to be on top of things. Finally, around 1 am, we went to bed only to be awakened 2 hours later when I thought I had pee'd the bed. I realized the wetness wasn't urine, so then I paniced and thought it was blood. It was clear - not blood. My water broke.
I called the doctor very nonchalant. My water broke, my contractions are 5 minutes apart, do you want me to wait a little longer to come in? The doctor said NO! Come in.... So we got up, got dressed, putzed around the kitchen, I even forced my husband to stop at the 7/11 for maxipads. No one tells you that you will need them and what the hell? I hadn't needed them in 9 months!
At any rate, three hours and twenty one minutes later our beautiful little girl was born. I can't believe that she is 10. Where oh where did the time go and why does it have to pass so quickly??
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Lately I have really been struggling to focus on my goals. My vacation and even the time leading up to it, really have been lacking in purpose. I have been having trouble making it to the gym - even though I want to go and certainly know how important it is for me personally. I hate struggling and I hate when it feels like life is getting in the way.
This week for example, the children are home from School and that makes going to the gym almost impossible. I have to wait for my husband to get home from work, and lately that has been getting later and later. Last Thursday he wasn't home until almost 11 pm and he left at before 6 am. ( I think that the Government is definitely getting their monies worth out of the Navy...) At any rate, with those kind of hours, it is hard to find time to squeeze in the gym.
I would really love to get a Wii fit so that on the days that I can't make it to the gym I can still get a more comprehensive workout and get feedback on my performance. I am walking everyday - several times a day usually. Still, it just isn't enough.
My goal? Beginning next Sunday, really refocus on my health. Track what I eat. Go to the gym at least four times next week. I am going to get serious, make the time and STOP making excuses. Until then, I remained.... frustrated.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Posted by snowflake at 6:01 AM
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
In my last post, I mentioned my Dad's dance with the "BIG C" - Cancer. Yesterday, I received an e-mail from my sister ( almost as good as an e-mail from my sister in law, but not quite) It was succinct and deathly to the point. "Dad's Cancer has returned. I'm calling the doctor now."
That's it then. My 85 year old father's cancer has returned. The tumor is in his pelvis, going down his leg and the son of a bitch is aggressive. The doctor says that the tumor is inoperable. He also said that my father is too old for another round of chemotherapy - though this still seems up for debate. In the meantime, the chosen course of action is to radiate the tumor in an attempt to shrink it and relieve some of my Dad's pain.
Now I know why my Dad, who walked 4 miles a day up until a year ago, doesn't have the smoke to make it to his own mailbox. Now I know why he is losing weight and doesn't want to it. The Big C is eating him from the inside out.
I hate Cancer. Almost everyone that I have loved and lost in my life has had a fatal turn. My Grandmother was first. I was eight. She was 62 - way too young to die. She had bone cancer and she fought it as long as she could. She died on Easter 31 years ago. My grandfather died from the Big C a few short years later. Then, when I was 21, my uncle had it. In the face of all places.
My uncle was young and so good looking. His laugh was infectious and he was quite literally larger than life. Then the Big C took his eye and half of his face. It made my fun loving uncle a monster.
Cancer - it is my greatest fear - and it is the monster that my Dad is fighting what I fear will be the last battle of his life against. If you pray, please add him to your prayers - not for a speedy recovery because I'm too much of a realist to ask for that - but rather for an ease to his pain and for his peace of mind. If you don't pray - positive thoughts are also greatly appreciated.