snowflake submerged

The "X" factor

2012-01-22T07:28:00.000-08:00

And no, I'm not talking about the show, I'm talking about the level of excitement in my life and in my relatioships.
My family and I went to dinner the other night with our neighbors. We had a wonderful time, my neighbors are a lot of fun and have many wonderful stories to tell. However, as we sat there laughing and talking, I began to realize that I was primarily listening to the stories of others. Don't get me wrong, I am usually a listener, but I realized that on that particular evening I was predominantly listening because I didn't have much to say.
The next day, as my husband and I were talking about our evening, I was commenting on how much travel and exciting things our friends do and how our lives seem relatively bland in comparison. He quite nonchalantly pointed out that our lives aren't very exciting because, in general, I don't like to do things that are exciting.
Some backstory - my husband loves to sail and ski - neither of which I enjoy. When I was a child, sailing with my family really frightened me. I always thought that the boat was going to sink and I was going to drown. I guess I never got over it. Skiing - well, let's just say that being cold isn't my favorite thing, but if I am going to be cold I would rather ice skate or snow tube, that is just me. I have always felt bad about my husband really enjoying doing these things and not really getting to do them. I always felt a lot of guilt because I thought that I was holding him back and keeping him from the things that he loved. I always encourage him to do these things whenever he has the opportunity, but I guess it's not the same.
I'm not really much of a rollercoaster girl either and have I mentioned that I hate to fly? I will fly, but I don't really enjoy it - probably due to a very scary emergency landing that I was invovled in as a child. In retrospect, I guess my need to control the situation that I am in effects my inclination to participate in these activities that are scary or thrilling.
Here are some things I do enjoy or would do if the opportunity arose:
~ scuba diving/ snorkeling
~hiking
~sight seeing
~ learning new things
~ going to historical landmarks
~ swim with the dolphins
~ tubing down a river
~horseback riding
~rollerskating
~ games or role playing
~ going to the beach/ collecting sea glass or shells

I don'tknow, perhaps the lack of the "x" factor in our lives really is my fault, but I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't think that I can change the things that I enjoy doing or pretend to enjoy things that I don't. This all leads us to our personal life. Stop reading if you don't want to details.
Really things are kind of bland in all areas. I try to spice things up with new ideas, toys, games, etc. I guess this is one way that I consider myself adventurous. Still, we are getting older (though it KILLS me to say this), our children are getting older, we are both busy with work and he's busy with his PhD and frankly, there really isn't much time for anything else and even when there is, there seems to be little inclination. When I want to he doesn't and vice versa. I've tried changing my clock around, being more available at what I know are the most likely times for him, but still it avails little. Most of the time, I don't even mind, which is really bad. Most of the time we live like friends with occassional benefits. Maybe that is what marriage really is?

Worst in all of this is the sense of holding him back. Not really sure what to do about it all, or even if there is anything to do about it, just wanted to get it off my chest. After all, it's not like I can really talk to him about it and maybe that's the biggest problem.

The Best Christmas Present Ever

2011-12-23T05:48:00.001-08:00

December 21 is my Father's birthday - the Winter Solstice. It's been almost three years since he' s been gone and I still miss him everyday. My Christmas story relates to my dad because I know he's watching me, with me still, interceding for me and helping to guide my steps.
Some of you may know that my husband was recently diagnosed with Celiac's disease. It's been a struggle for him and even on a gluten free diet, the symptoms are not completely resolved. Neither of us were really convinced by his diagnosis and on Wednesday, my father's birthday, we went to see a specialist at Bethesda. The specialist wasn't convinced by the diagnosis either. I feel vindicated that, while my husband may indeed have Celiac's, we aren't crazy. The criteria used to determine the diagnosis were sketchy at best. They took a blood sample to do a complete work up, including a genetic marker test to see if my husband has the predisposition for the disease. If he doesn't, well, it's back to square one to see what is really wrong with him. If he does have the marker, that still doesn't mean he has Celiac's but just a chance to have it. I have been praying like crazy that, one way or another, we will have a definitive diagnosis so that we can wrap our head around it and make the best decisions for my husband's future health. I am so grateful to God that He is helping us through this process. I love my husband and wnat him with me for a long time. In the meantime, he has been cleared to eat gluten which means stuffing and pizelles on Christmas!

On another note, a second Christmas gift that has come my way this year, I had a job interview last week. Most of my readers know that I have been unemployed since we moved here to Annapolis in July. I miss my students like crazy and while I am volunteering and tutoring, it's just not the same. The day of the interview came and I was so nervous. When I arrived, I saw the interviewee before me leave the office. When I left, I saw the next interviewee go in. I really didn't feel confidant about my chances. After all, I had sent my resume in so many times to have no response at all. Well, yesterday, one day after my Dad's birthday, I got the call.... and I got the job! New students to love and nurture starting on the 3rd day of the new year! I know my Dad is still up there watching out for me, guiding my path as he always did when he was still here with me.

So the greatest gift is the reminder that those we love are never truly gone because after all, love lives on. I love you Daddy....

Stop Obsessing!

2011-12-13T10:01:00.000-08:00

I have several acquaintances who have been really freaked out about their age and their birthdays this year. Wrinkles freak me out- occasionally - grey hairs are something not to be tolerated - by me at any rate. But birthdays? That's just another day.

I have never fixated on a particular birthday and I hope I never do. I just turned 41 this past September, but it really doesn't matter. I don't feel it. In my head and in my heart, I still feel 18. The only difference is that I get the benefit of having my children, who are amazingly cool individuals, but they wouldn't have been so much fun at 18. I live my life everyday. I try to live it to the fullest and find something amazing. This morning it was a milky white moon on a cerulean blue sky and the way the frost crystals formed on the fallen leaves. It was my daughter's wonder and joy in life that is so contagious. Some days are good and others are shit, but if you look, there is always something miraculous.

Don't fixate and waste it on something as stupid as age. It's just a number and age is all an attitude anyway. If you act old, it doesn't matter if your twenty but being young at heart is forever.

Footsteps on the Moon

2011-12-01T18:16:00.000-08:00

Ever since we moved, I have been looking for a job. Not surprising in this economy, i would say. So, until I get a regular gig, I am working as a private tutor. My students mean too much for me to just sit and wait for a classroom opportunity.
I have been working with a darling little boy. Very precocious. As a student, he works hard and applies himself. Sure he sometimes needs the gentle reminder to stay on task, but I'm a grown adult and even I sometimes need that. I have been working with him, once a week, since beginning of October. He was a C student to start. Now, due to his hard work, he is earning A's. His teacher told his parents that she was sorry they got a tutor, that he was an average student. What does that even mean?
Does that mean he has average ability and above average desire to succeed? What does average mean to a third grader? Our course in life is not set by the time we are 8 and those people who are entrusted with our children should always teach and encourage them to aim as high as they can dream. One of my favorite quotes is "Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footsteps on the moon". That's the way I feel about my student. I'm proud of his hard work and accomplishment. To me, he is anything but average.

It's a Question of Trust

2011-11-26T07:23:00.001-08:00

Have you ever had something happen to you that bothered you so badly that even though you tried to forget it, it stayed with you and every so often resurfaces at the most inopprotune times? Well, that's what happened to me yesterday.
It was the perfect day. Black Friday, but I didn't have anywhere in particular to be. I spent the day with my girls at the beach - yes, the beach. It was 60 degrees here, sunny and beautiful. We combed the surf for sea glass and just enjoyed being together. The warm air was such a mood lifter until.... I went home.
My youngest daughter wanted to go out to eat. I wasn't exactly all that Keen on cooking. She asked me if we could go out to dinner, I said, "Why don't you ask your Dad". That was pretty much the extent of it. She told him that I wanted to go out to eat instead of saying she did or we both did. Not a big deal but it evolved into the Spanish inquisition with both of us sitting in a chair being asked to relay our version of events. Not only did I feel like a child. but it brought back a very painful memory.
in 2008, my mother in law came to visit. I know, that's always a bad place to start. She accused my daughter of stealing - my then 7 year old daughter. Needless to say, this devolved rather quickly into me telling her what was what. The woman is certifiably crazy and needless to say, when my husband got home from work, her version of events wasn't even close to the truth. Our stories were different so my husband... wait for it, called our then 15 year old babysitter to find out what really happened.
yes, this made me feel like total shit. After all, his mother is a crazy person and he knows that. I don't know. Deep down I don't think he trusts me and that makes me wonder if I can really trust him. So you see, a beautiful day turned to shit all for what? What do you think dear reader, do I just need to get over it?

Preparing Room in my Heart

2011-11-25T05:59:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Thanksgiving - one of my favorite holidays. I love the peaceful tranquility of it - at least at our house. Usually it is just the four of us, well five, if you count my dog, and that's the way I like it. We get up in the morning to watch the Macy's day parade, cook the meal together, think about all the things we have in our lives to be Thankful for and then enjoy. It's the perfect day, which begins my favorite time of year - Advent, leading up to Christmas!
When I was a little girl, I attended Catholic school. It's no surprise that at this time of year, we spent a lot of time singing Christmas carols. No, not Frosty the Snowman, I'm talking about Carols like Come All Ye Faithful, Away in a Manger and my personal favorite.... Joy to the World. My favorite line is "Let every heart prepare him room".... When I was a little girl, the nuns used to talk to us about what it meant to prepare room in our hearts for Jesus. That is what Christmas is about for me:peace, love, giving to others. I asked my daughter what it meant to preapre room in our hearts for Jesus. She said it meant to do good things and not bad things. That's right, but it's so much more than that. It's about making our heart as beautiful as Jesus is and sharing that light with others. Christmas isn't about the presents under the tree, though gifts are a physical representation of the love we have for others. It's the gifts we give with our hearts: time, love, service... these are the gifts of love that Jesus has for us and wants us to share.
So this season, as your tempted to go out to Walmart and get uptight with your fellow man because they got the last mp3 player on sale, think about preparing the room in your own heart. Jesus is the reason for the Season, and you can demonstrate that, especially at this time of year, by showing His love to others. Or in the words of another favorite song, "This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine".

Equilibrium

2011-11-15T18:52:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a while since I have written. Some days it's difficult to find anything to say. I did finally change my blog around, I guess I got tired of looking at the same beluga whale. This little gold fish is cute though, right?

Life is really changing here. I used to blog about life without my husband or life while he was "just visiting" from the boat. I'm happy to say that isn't my life anymore. I feel almost.....normal, and it feels good. The other night it was very windy and even though the house is quiet, the wind always makes me anxious. My husband lay down beside me and wrapped his arms around me. I thought of all the other times that I longed to feel them, other wind storms that I listened to alone. It's all irrelevant now. God is good and I guess we've done our time in the barrel. At least I hope so.

My girls, they are adjusting to a new place. It's hard for my 12 year old than it is for my younger daughter. As far as I can recall, middle school should otherwise have been known as hell, even when I was a kid. Throwing a move into the mix just makes it really "frothy" as my daughter would say. In spite of all that, both made the straight A honor roll and I know they will find their way. This is a good place for all of us to be.

As for me, I'm starting to find my footing. I miss my students and my job like crazy but tutoring is really a wonderful experience. I have five students now --- three that I start with next week and two that I am working with now. They are amazing children and I love ever minute of being with them. When I'm with them, I feel like I know what I was supposed to do with my life. When something clicks for them and they gain understanding- that's just like flying. There is no better feeling in all the world. Sure, it's not work at a school but I keep telling myself that will come. In the meantime doing what I love, in whatever manner possible, is what is important.

Life is good. Sometimes things aren't always what we think they will be... but they are always what we need them to be to learn and grow. I guess I was just reminded of that the hard way.

The Nightmare Playdate and the Awkward Neighbor Moment

2011-10-03T05:11:00.000-07:00

One of the many great things about our new house is that there are children in the neighborhood that my youngest can play with - three little girls ages ranging from 9 - 5. ( Suddenly I hear strains of Dolly Parton "What a way to make a living, barely getting by...")At any rate, back to the story. The children all enjoy playing together but two of the three little girls always want to play here. In the three months we have lived here, they have not invited Emily to come and play one time. Not that this is really important, just a piece of relevant background information.
At any rate, the two girls, I will call them Lily and Lois, though those are not their names, come over at least once a week, usually on Friday, to play. During the first playdate they were so rough that Lily, who apparently is double jointed, knocked her elbow out of place and had to "snap" it back in. Lovely. When I took her home, feeling so guilty and worried that she may have to go to the hospital, her father informed me that this was a regular occurance that happened all the time. It would have been nice to know... The last time they came over to play, Lois swung from Emily's draperies and pulled the hardware right out of the wall. All the while, my daughter was telling her to stop, to no avail until I went into the room and saw what she was up to. After this event, I told Emily that I would prefer she keep the girls in the basement, which is fully finished space where we keep our tv, wii and other game equipment, when they come over to play since they play a little roughly and I didn't want anyone to get hurt, especially near a two story window.
The other little girl who lives in my neighborhood, I'll call her Phoebe, is delightful. She and my daughter play nicely together, without incident. Phoebe's great grandmother passed away this past week. Her mother was having the wake at her home and was worried about Phoebe. I told my neighbor that Phoebe was welcome to come over and play, if she was upset about the wake. So, later on that afternoon there is a knock at my door. It 's Phoeber and her dad, asking if Phoebe can play. I say of course, and the girls go about playing. I was in the kitchen when they asked me if they could go outside to play basketball and jump rope. I say certainly, since we live on a quiet cul-de-sac and the children know they can not leave the driveway. Here's where it gets weird.

After about twenty minutes of playing, the children come back inside and go downstairs to play on the Wii. I'm up to my eyeballs in cookie dough when the door bell rings. Emily and Phoebe get the door while I get cleaned up. When I get there, Lily and her father are at the door talking to Emily. Lily's father has a very angry and upset look on his face. I ask what is going on and the father asks if Lily can play. I say ok and he says "Are you sure?" to which I say yes and he informs me that he will pick her up in a hour. Fine. The girls all go down in the basement to play, since I don't want Lily near Emily's draperies or window.

An hour passes and Lily's mother comes to pick Liy up. It's raining, so I invite her inside while she waits for her daughter to put on her shoes and collect her things. She abruptly says "NO, I'm just here for Lily". Then she tells me that her husband said there was some sort of playdate mixup. Apparently, when Emily and Phoebe were out playing, Lily asked if she could come over and play. My daughter said 'maybe, you should ask your mom first.' When the girls came inside, they never mentioned this exchange to me. When Lily and her father showed up at the door, Emily said she didn't think she could play because she already had one friend over. What would have possessed her to say this, other than the past incidents with Lily, I don't know.

Both that day and this morning my daughter apologized for the confusion, mostly to no avail. She was brushed off, somewhat rudely. It has all left an awkward and uncomfortable space between myself and my neighbors that I am not really sure what to do about. Did I mention that the husband also watches me walk my dog? Slows down to watch me and has said things like, "I could give you something to do besides walk the dog..." I'm not sure what my relationship with my neighbors is, or even what I would like it to be, though cordial would be nice since I plan on living here for a long time. Any thoughts or suggestions? I'm really at a loss....

Will It Ever Get Fixed?

2011-09-14T17:11:00.000-07:00

Ever since we bought this house, we have been struggling with an antiquated air conditioning unit. We knew when we purchased the house that it was probably at or near end of life, which is why we insisted that the sellers purchase the advanced warranty. Basically we have been dealing with this since June. We call the warranty company, they send out repair people, some part or other gets replaced and things work for about six week and then we are right back where we started. It is so frustrating!
I really hope we get some answers soon. I hate feeling like things just aren't working in my new home. It makes it hard to feel "at home" if you know what I mean. I guess this is our time in the barrel as my Dad would say.....

On top of that all, I really miss my students. I guess you all can see why I haven't been blogging lately. Sorry to lay it all out on you all.... I hope my next entry will be more cheerful.

Made of Sterner Stuff

2011-08-18T06:01:00.000-07:00

That's part of being a military spouse, that fact that we are made, of necessity, of sterner stuff. My father used to ask how I could say goodbye with a smile on my face, he was proud of me that I could. I told him that I could because that's what we do. That is what is required. We see our sailors off and we smile. Then we cry our eyeballs out the whole way home - but NEVER where he can see. I always wanted my sailor to remember my smile and I wanted my father to as well.

I can't understand women who moan and complain because they have to move one time in their life. They let their children wallow in misery and sadness over something that can't be controlled or changed. Worse, they let their children wallow in misery over a conscious choice that they have made, or allow themselves to. I just don't understand it. My husband tells me that I don't understand this because I have had to move so many times in my life, and I guess that he is right. It's hard to move. It certainly isn't my favorite thing to do but sometimes it has to be done. What good does boo-hooing do? Especially in public - wallowing in self pity and letting everyone see you. I can't fathom it.

I was sad when we left our last duty station. I won't lie and tell you that I didn't cry, but not in public. I cried and still cry when I think about my students that I left behind and the friends that I miss. But deep down I know that new friends don't replace the friends left behind and a move doesn't mean the loss of a relationship. It just means you have to work a little harder to maintain it. Every place is an adventure, part of the life journey and every person you met a potential friend. I feel blessed for all the various places that I have lived, the people that have traveled in and out of my life and the strength that this experience has given me. The strength doesn't appear to apply when listening to other women whine. Sometimes I have an almost uncontrollable urge to say, "Suck it up, buttercup". My fellow Navy wives, I'm sure, will understand. It's like listening to some housewife complain because her husband is gone for three days golfing and she doesn't know how she is going to cope without him and what in the world will she do with her kids? I'm glad I'm made of sterner stuff and me and my children, oh yeah, three days wouldn't even register. (Not really, anyway.)

The Ways the World Has Changed

2011-08-13T16:13:00.000-07:00

It's been two years since my Dad passed. On one hand it seems like yesterday and on the other, it feels like he's been gone forever. I miss him and think of him everyday. I was thinking about the ways the world has changed since he has been gone. It's amazing how much really. For example:

Two years ago the discussion was about the public option. My father dreaded the Healthcare bill and was vehemently opposed to it. I'm glad he can't see our current debacle. It would kill him to know that the country he loved so much and fought so hard for is in such bad shape. I doubt the downgrade in our credit status would surprise him, but it would disappoint.

Two years ago, Obama's approval rating was at 53%. It's down to 42% now, an encouraging sign that people are waking up to the political games both parties play. Before he died, my Dad convinced me to change my affiliation to Independent. He believed that parties were a large part of what is wrong with our country and our political system. I may not be able to vote in most primaries, but I'm not in any party's pocket so to speak.

Speaking of Approval ratings, Congress sat at a record low - 31% in 2009. It's fallen to under half of that now. Pathetic really.

The Tea Party was a political movement in it's infancy. Now, for good or for ill, it's a major player.

Two years ago, there was no Ipad. That is a big change in our house. Although my husband is the only one in our family with one, he loves it and uses it everywhere for everything. Now even Apple is getting a little competition as other companies catch on to the Tablet craze.

We still had three Harry Potter movies to look forward to. Harry has been a big part of my family since 2003, when I read the first book. Since then, he and his friends have become a staple in our home. Our daughters love the books and often talked with my Dad about the characters. Now, Harry's time is done and I wonder who will rekindle the magic of reading for the next generation.

We were still waiting for justice for the murder of 3000 of our fellow countrymen. Osama bin Laden was still at large. I know if my Dad could see one thing other than his family, this is an event that he would love to have looked down from Heaven upon.

These are just a few ways the world has changed. My family has changed as well.
I went back to school and got my masters degree in Education. I know my Dad would have been proud. He always said that an Education is the one thing that no one can take from you. Now my husband is going back for his PhD. I guess we both took my father's advice to heart.

My Daughter's are two years older, but they still miss their Pappy. We talk about my Dad and tell funny stories all the time. I always want my children to know the man my Dad was. They remind me every day that those we love are never really gone.

We're back in Maryland now. I know that would have made my Dad happy. He loved the Naval Academy and he knew that we wanted to make Maryland our home. Now that has happened. So many changes and yet, somethings are always the same.

I love you Dad and you will forever be my hero.

Why Don't They Leave and Other Dumb Questions - Domestic VIolence

2011-07-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

I wrote this post four years ago, but when I was young, this was my life. Recently, something reminded me that there is a lot of misunderstanding about domestic violence and the people who it effects. I thought this post was worth resurrecting. I hope you take the time to read it, maybe it will help promote some compassion and understanding.

Yesterday my friend Kate opened up publicly about her experience as a victim of Domestic Violence. Kate and I are not just friends here on the Café, but in real life too – we talk….. I have known about the abuse that she endured for a time now…. She opened up to me because she found out that I had also been a victim.

I realized that there are so many women out there who feel isolated and alone. They sit in their own dark version of hell and feel that there really is no way out. Those of you who have never experienced domestic violence ask: Why does she endure it? Why does she put up with it? Why does she stay? The answer is quite simply that a victim often can’t find her way out…..

I was 18 years old when I started dating my abuser. I loved him more than anything in this world – and NO he didn’t start hitting me right away… they never do. The mental abuse is much worse, and that is what starts first. An abuser wants to isolate his victim from family and friends. My abuser told me that I was dumb, fat, stupid, crazy, and my favorite – that no one would ever love me the way that he did. After hearing that you are worthless so often by a person that professes to love you, and not getting any positive reinforcement from family and friends, you start to believe what they tell you. “ Maybe I really am worthless…..” I know that is what I thought.

That is when the physical abuse starts. The first time my abuser hit me – he struck me flat palmed across the face. Immediately, he was on his knees saying “ Baby, baby, I’m so sorry…. It will never happen again. I love you so much, I just lost control…. You have to help me! If you wouldn’t have pushed me…..” Sound familiar? I thought that it was my fault. I had just pushed him too far. If I just loved him enough, I could help him to change. Things were really good for a while, and I believed him that it would never happen again….. I was so wrong.

The next time, it wasn’t just a slap across the face – he beat me! He beat me so bad that the next day I couldn’t get out of bed. He was always careful not to hit my face after the first time….. Most of the bruises and scars that he gave me were internal as the mental abuse never stopped. I felt that his abuse was my failure. I had done something to deserve it.. . and after it happened, I still got the “Baby, I’m sorry… “. After the beating, things were better – for a while……

One day, I came home and found him and a friend abusing my cat. I was so mad, I loved my cat!!! Why would he do something like that to a harmless animal? I freed it and that began a huge fight, which ended in me being thrown through a window and cutting open on of my main arteries. As I lay on the ground bleeding – his friend dialed 911 – and he stood over me saying, “Bitch, you deserved it.” They rushed me to the hospital via ambulance where the doctor was able to fix my arm – but my broken spirit was another matter. I kept my scars, both on the inside and the outside.

I finally found the courage to leave him – my cat, Stripe, and I. I knew the next time he would kill me and somehow, I scrapped myself together, called a co-worker and asked for help. She put me up until I could find a place of my own….

Would you know that he came crawling back? He wanted me to forgive him. It would never happen again….. For a time, I was so weak, I wanted to believe him. I wanted to fix him, make him a better man….. If I just loved him enough… but then, I looked at my arm and said “ That son of a bitch threw you through a window! What is it going to take?” It was hard, but I stood my ground….

I worked, I was lonely, and I have a lot of baggage…. But even with the problems that I had financially struggling etc… I was alive!!! I rediscovered myself and I learned that I wasn’t worthless, or stupid, or ugly……. It took me many years to get beyond all that pain. Sometimes I still have nightmares and I wake up next to my husband who tells me “It’s ok, it’s over…..”

To any women out there reading this – you are NOT alone! Please find someone to talk to….. Leaving can be scary, but start making plans. Finish school, get a job, keep a bag ready….. And if you need immediate help call the national helpline at 1-800-799- SAFE that’s 1-800-799-7233. You deserve to be happy!! Your children have the right to a violence free childhood. Your sons need to know that this is not the way to treat women and your daughters need to know that this isn’t the way they should be treated. There is a way out – please ask for help….. I did and I am alive today because of it.

To anyone that has a friend that may be going through this - don't let them be isolated. Be the voice of affirmation for them. Remind them that they are a loving, beautiful and worthwhile human being. You'll be glad you did. Friends in need are friends in deed.

Spiraling....

2011-07-11T15:56:00.000-07:00

As stressful as negotiating and closing on our new house was, the selling of our old house has proven to be even more so. I hate feeling like things are out of my control and frankly, once an offer is made on the house, almost everything is. Our house passed it's inspection with flying colors only to have bozo the clown for an appraiser.

We have a stoop on our house. It has one step and a landing. It measures 18 - 22 inches high depending on where you measure from. It has never been an issue in the 5 years that we lived there - even with the varied company we have had. Now, the appraiser - NOT the inspector, tells us that we need to have frakking hand rails. Are you kidding me???? It's completely absurd. There is no need for that and additionally there is no, I repeat NO, code requiring the hand rails. So, some appraiser gets to pull some idiocy completely out of his ass and unless we comply, the sale of our house in CT is totally tanked.

Yep, I'm a little stressed. I'm trying to remind myself that it will all work out as it is meant to. Someday I will look back at all of this and laugh at my lack of faith. I know God has a plan and it will resolve and/ or reveal itself in the end. See, I feel a little better already. Thanks for letting me vent.

Karma is a Bitch and it bites both ways

2011-07-01T12:22:00.000-07:00

The other day I was talking to a friend who was commiserating about the terrible way that people have treated her and waiting for karma to give her retribution. Look, we've all done something like this in the past - been seeking that justice for some perceived hurt. Here is what I have learned over the years - Karma is a bitch and it bites both ways.
Usually, when I find myself waiting for karma to serve justice to those who have hurt me, what I really need to be doing is taking a closer look in the mirror at myself and my own action. Hurts and failed relationships are always the result of the actions of more than one party. I have plenty of karma coming my way.
Friendships and interpersonal relationships of any kind require constant nuturing and maintenance. Many of my friends know that I haven't always been there to do the heavy lifting, but I know enough to know that any failures in my life are failures that my actions or lack of action has contributed to.
I was never the biggest fan of Michael Jackson, but in the 90's he had a song with a very powerful message. The lyrics go like this... " I'm starting with the Man in the mirror. I'm asking him to change his ways. And no message could have been any clearer, if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make that change."
There are relationships that I work hard on... my relationship with my husband, my children, my mother... these are the relationships that are necessary to my survival. These are the people I would lay down my life for, without hesitation. Now I need to work on buttressing and rebuilding friendships. I promise to do the heavy lifting, because I'm starting with the woman in the mirror.
Oh, and karma, well... let's just say that all the relationships in my past have made me who I am - for better or for worse. Those that I have hurt, and there is a long list, I'm sure.... they may not know, but I am sorry and I am waiting for the karma I know is coming to make it right.

It's good to be home

2011-06-28T03:54:00.001-07:00

I hate moving, but it is an integral part of military life as any military wife could tell you. This is it, what i hope will be our final move.
While I sit on a hardwood floor wondering when our furniture will be delivered, it has to be said that it is good to be home - back in Annapolis and south of the Mason- Dixon line.
One of my favorite things about being back is the ability to get sweet tea every where I go. Not sweetened tea, and certainly not peach nor raspberry flavored tea, but real, honest to goodness southern sweet tea. Awesome! Last night we had dinner at Boston Market, something that I haven't been able to do for five years.There are things I will miss about Ledyard: my home, my students and my friends. All that aside though, it must be said that it's good to be home!

The things my Father taught me....

2011-06-19T05:22:00.000-07:00

Today is Father's day and I realize that my Dad has been gone for almost two years. There were so many times when he was alive, teaching me the hard lessons that I didn't want to see him or talk to him and now, I would give anything to have all that precious time back. In the end, I know my father knew how very much I loved him. As I grew older, we saw so many things very much the same. He used to tell me that he was a dinosaur, the last of his kind, but he wasn't because he had me.
My father taught me many valuable lessons throughout my life, things that I will never forget. The first lesson that he taught me is that the man a girl can trust and rely on the most is her Daddy. ( I know not everyone is fortunate enough to have a wonderful father like I did, but for those of us who do or did, this statement is true). My Dad was like a mix between G.I. Joe and Santa Claus. There was nothing that my father couldn't do. As we grow older though, we realize that even our heroes can't do everything and the one battle my father couldn't win was his battle against cancer. Even with that though, he lived his life in his own way, right up to the end and that is it's own victory really.
One of the most important lessons that my father taught me was a saying of his from the Air Force - Proper planning prevents piss poor performance. I am not nearly as good at this as my dad was - he was a master, even planning and providing for his own funeral. Another lesson that goes hand in hand with the first is that we humans are always one step away from a tragedy. My brother died when he was three years old, he fell off the tractor that my dad was driving. It's a tragedy that both my parents have lived with all their lives. The prescence of this event was always there in my family and it taught me to be cautious and to take steps to try and avert these kinds of tragedies. I don't know if this makes me a better or a worse person, but it does make me who I am.
My father lived his life as a man of honor. He always said that a man's word was his bond and he never faltered from that. Jim Beadling's word was the gold standard, even people who didn't like my dad would admit to that. He taught me what it meant to be a friend, a real friend. I dont' think that I am the kind of friend to people that he was, but it is something to strive for and I do.
He also taught me the importance of an education. All my life my father encouraged me to go to school, to better myself, to learn more - whatever my interests were. He always said that knowledge is the one thing that no one can ever take from you and I hope to pass that and all these lessons on to my daughters.
We all still miss him very much, but today, on Father's day, I wanted to honor the man that he was and all the wonderful gifts that he brought to my life. Happy Father's Day Daddy.

Don't Mess with Mama Bear

2011-06-11T03:09:00.001-07:00

As you may know, if you have read any of my prior entries, my family and I are preparing to move - home, to Annapolis. I call Annapolis home, but none of my family is from there. I am from western Pennsylvania, but I wouldn't want to go "home". Annapolis has the same smells and the feel of home for me, thus making it as close to my real home as I would ever want to be.
When preparing for a move, I get all the required paperwork from doctor's offices and schools all lined up. I always hand carry at least one copy because you just never know what is going to happen. These are my records and my children's records and I want them. I don't need a reason, that's just the way it is.
On the 30th of May, I went in to the office of my children's school, where I also work, and I requested copies of all their school records, particularly those pertaining to testing and giftedness. We are moving to a school district where they actually *have* programs for gifted children. My oldest daughter has been "tagged" since she was in the second grade; however, the district that we currently live in does not consider allocating funds for the gifted to be important and so they don't. Now that my daughter has an opportunity to engage in these programs with advanced curriculum and enrichment activities, I'm going to make sure that she has full access.
When I went into the office yesterday to pick up the records, the staff was umprepared and the files were incomplete. One of the pieces of information that I most needed was sent onto the middle school in our local area, even though the staff has been well aware, since January, that my daughter would not be attending there. I was polite at first, asking how we may go about getting the results of this testing. The secretary, who is a lovely woman, said she would make a call for me. No big deal.
Later in the hallway however, the principal came up to me and stated how this wasn't her job and this was all very irregular. I stated that I would simply call the middle school, no big deal. Her attitude was very antagonistic. That's when I finally came back with, "Look, these are my child's academic records, they aren't your intellectual property, I want them and I want them by 2 o'clock today, as I informed you of over a week and a half ago. I don't care how it happens, or who makes it happen, but those records need to be ready. No excuses."
After much hullaballo over what should have been a very simple request, I finally picked up the records of both my children, though still incomplete. I do have all the testing records that I will need, but the attitude of some schools when dealing with parents is just frustrating. Don't act like you know better than me because you are an administrator of a school. I'm a parent, that's my child and it's my job to do what's best for her. The best thing you can do? Help me or get the hell out of my way.

The Next Chapter

2011-06-08T03:39:00.000-07:00

I am down to my last two weeks here in CT. It's strange how that feels. This has been my home for the last five years. These walls have kept me safe and sheltered me from the world. They have seen my children grow, heard us all laugh and cry. Moving on from a place isn't always easy and that is true this time.
Although I'm going home, the leaving part is still a mixed blessing. In my heart, I wonder how long I will think of this house as my home? It takes a long time to make a home - a place where those memories of a family are built. However, a home is more than that too. The people in a place help make it your home. Thankfully, the three most important people in this place will all be coming with me to my new home. One thing that the Navy has taught me is that home is more than four walls - it's the people in it.
The thing I dread the most is saying goodbye to my students, the kids that I work with everyday. Each one of them holds a small part of my heart, larger perhaps than I would care to admit. I love my job and I love the students I work with. I will miss them all greatly. Part of me wishes that I could stay and watch them grow and continue to be a part of their lives. However, this leaving, it's the right thing for my family and that makes it the right thing for me. I am thankful that my students have many wonderful people both in school and out, that will look after them and help them. I don't need to worry when I say goodbye, only feel the sorrow that they will be missed.
I have friends here, wonderful friends. These women have been my sisters through some very difficult and trying times. I know that a move doesn't mean friendships come to an end or that new friends replace the old. Whatever role these women have to play in my life, I will never forget them or the time we spent together.
I am looking forward to the next chapter....

Why do they need a cell phone?

2011-06-03T04:05:00.000-07:00

Just this week the WHO has come out with "shocking" news, the truth of which my husband and I have suspected all along. The use of cell phones can increase your risk of cancer. My husband works on submarines. When it comes to radioactive material, the best protections are distance and shielding - a cell phone offers neither. People walk around with these things connected to their ears or their hands. It's pathetic.

Even worse is the parents who cater to the every whim of their children, giving them cell phones that frankly, they just don't need. No sorry you are not getting a cell phone, that is what I tell my children. Aside for it being just flat out bad for you (see above) what is the need for a CHILD to have one? I hear some parents say, what if there is an emergency/ safety issue? My children are never in a situation that I don't know where they are, that there isn't at least one adult supervising them that has a cell phone or access to a land line. Next.....
Some parents say they have cell phones so they can have contact with their friends. That is what school, sleepovers and extracurricular activities are for. Children have become so reliant on texting that they no longer know how to communicate face to face. I was at the mall the other day and saw three 16 year old girls. Sitting together all texting one another. How pathetic is that? We are so busy "connecting" that we have no idea how to really connect on a personal level.

I don't think constantly giving into a child's every whim is healthy for them and this is just one more stellar example proving that point. Parents need to be parents, make decisions that are in the best interest of their children and occassionally.... gasp.... learn how to say no.

The Price of Freedom

2011-05-30T07:30:00.001-07:00

Today is Memorial day, one of my favorite holidays. I love it because it is a time to reflect on what it truly means to be free, and to thank those who have safeguarded those freedoms.

Today, I especially reflect on the sacrifices of Col. James J. Beadling, my father, PFC Addison Hogue Thomson, my husband's grandfather, and Cpl. Scott M. Vincent, my hero.

Most of you who have read my blog already know a little about my Dad. He was a retired Air Force Colonel. He volunteered for service on the 8th of December, 1941. He served in both World War 2 and Korea. In Korea, he served as a squadron commander flying night air-to-ground support for the Marines. The stories that he told me about the Frozen Chosen will stay with me forever. Addison Hogue Thomson was a medic in World War 2. He was there D-Day plus 1 and stayed with his unit through the Battle of the Bulge and more. ( Now, if you say the Battle of the Bulge to most Americans, they think you mean the war against their growing waistline. Sigh). He told stories about coming ashore at Normandy and how he quickly learned to cover the red cross on his helmet with sand and mud? Why, you ask? Well, the Germans were using the crosses for cross hairs.

Cpl. Scott Vincent is the son of a friend. He gave up his life 7 years ago in the Anbar Province in Iraq. He always wanted to be a Marine and served his country proudly. He volunteered for three tours in Iraq. I promised his mother that his sacrifice will never be forgotten. So every year, on Memorial Day and the 30th of April, I think about Scott and the life that he gave up for Freedom. He was young. He had a smile that could light up the whole world, and a spirit to match. He had so much to live for. A girl, marriage, fatherhood.... so much lie ahead, but instead, he laid his life down for Freedom.

This Memorial day as I celebrate with family and friends, I am reminded of the tremendous gift and enormous responsibility that we all have been given. Freedom isn't free and we must all exercise our freedoms with thought and respect but most of all, we must remember to exercise them. Vote. Be involved. Don't let those who have paid the ultimate price to have given their lives in vain.

Oh God, here we go.....

2011-05-17T05:23:00.003-07:00

I have a 12 year old daughter. She and her sister are the light of my existence. She's brilliant and funny, cautiously optimistic and reserved all at the same time. I love her wit ( usually) and her unusual sense of self. But, she's 12. That means, she is on the cusp of knowing everything and relagating me to the cupboard with the other useless antiques. She thinks she knows everything when in actuality she doesn't know enough to come in out of the rain. Being her mother has been my greatest joy in life and it will also be my greatest challenge. It's hard to give your children enough room for their roots to grow and their canopy to spread, while at the same time pruning them back to keep them healthy and safe. Heaven help me.... the next couple of years are going to be trying....

The rest of the other teenage associated insanity is also starting. Not yet with my daughter but with plenty of her friends. Kissing, fondling and a scary game called Firetruck. Where does the insanity stop? It's hard to keep your child in line while encouraging them to tell you everything. I feel like my life as a mother is full of contradictions.

My hope is this - I remember my teenage self and how I thought I knew everything. I also considered my own mother a uesless antiguity. Eventually though... I grew a brain. I realized that my mother knew almost everything and was almost always right. She is my best friend, the one constant in my life, the person I can always trust. Maybe, just maybe.... if I navigate the next few years carefully.... one day my daughters will feel the same.

A Pet Peeve

2011-05-15T05:11:00.000-07:00

Incompetence. I hate it. When you hire a professional to do a job - from dry cleaning a dress to selling a house - they should know exactly how to go about undertaking the task. Real estate agents really frustrate me. They are great when it comes to helping you buy a house, but less than stellar when it comes to selling one.

I have a beautiful four bedroom, 2 +bathroom home. Wood floors, great natural lighting, tile, , two car garage,landscaped corner lot on a quiet cul - de -sac. Sounds great right? You know how agents come up with catch phrases when they list your home? Stuff like must see! Beautiful colonial! Etc????? My genius of an agent came up with Seller needs occupancy until June. yes, you heard that right.

We have had two open houses - well, we are having the second one this week. It's Sunday and the Open House still has not been advertised. Really. What really pisses me off about this is that when we had the last open house, I said exactly the same thing, we need more notice, online advertising,etc.... No offense to my local friends but this area doesn't have a lot going on except the Navy base, which means the person who is going to buy my house is quite likely not from here. A little notice is helpful.

We have gotten totally useless feedback, no consistent information relating to online views etc..... I have certainly learned a lesson from all of this. IF I ever sell a house again, I will not be intimidated by the so-called professionals because, apparently I know as much and quite possibly more, than they do. They will be working for me and if they can't be excited about selling a home as beautiful as mine, well, frankly they will sell someone else's. I really hate incompetence....

Ch-ch-ch-changes

2011-05-13T12:11:00.000-07:00

Wow, time has sure marched on since last I wrote. I have been so busy with my family, students and working on my master's degree that the only writing I was doing was for school. I guess the biggest change in my life recently is that I finished my degree! It feels good to accomplish this goal that I set for myself and with a 4.0 to boot. I'm proud of my accomplishment.
Now, with the impending move back home, I just hope that I get to use my education. The job market is very competitive in Maryland. It will be sad for me without a job - a teacher without students isn't much use to anyone. I love my students and will miss them all terribly when I move. If I can't find a job, I will probably volunteer at my daughter's schools until I can find something.
It's hard constantly being uprooted by the Navy, but with luck, this will be my last time. I'm happy about that.
My husband and I have been getting on a little better. Life happens and we are both stressed about the move, but at the end of the day, I can't picture my life without him. So we muddle through and try to make it better. Real love sometimes requires getting your hands dirty and working at it.
Speaking of my husband, his doctors tell him that he may have celiac's disease, so we are now a gluten free family. Making the change has been very challenging and I am still trying to figure it all out. I never realized what kind of impact a dietary change like this one could have on all of our lives.
I promise to write more often now. I've missed writing just for myself and not just for completing the latest assignment. Writers write.... and I need to do more of it.

Where do we go from here?

2011-01-30T10:55:00.001-08:00

My poor blog was starting to feel very neglected. I really haven't had too much time for writing other than classwork related assignments. Between work, school, and my family - well, I'm usually pretty tired.
Usually when I write, I don't write for you all (though it is really nice to have your feedback and support). I usually write to process thoughts and emotions that I am dealing with and that is certainly the case today.
I have a lot going on in my life. We are getting ready for another move and I just found out that the last year I have spent working on my Master's degree in Education has been largely for naught. Maryland won't accept most of my degree, so I will probably have to retake some classes. This all causes a lot of frustration. I want to go home to Maryland, but I hate leaving my home and my job. It's a mixed blessing, I guess.
Then there has been a lot going on with my husband and I. I really feel us growing apart. I don't know what to do about it. The things that interest him just don't interest me and vice versa. For example, he took my oldest daughter skiing today. I think that's great and I hope they have a wonderful day together, but I have zero desire to go myself today or any foreseeable time in the future. Then, what often happens is I feel compelled to go because my husband makes me feel guilty with phrases like " I want to go as a family" or "I can't take both girls unless you go". I have no problem with him going and even encourage it, yet I hate being made to feel like I have to. Especially when reciprocity is a foreign concept.
I realized that II have allowed family time to stop me from spending time with God. Because my husband doesn't "do" Church, I have been giving up my time to spend time together. That really isn't right though and recently, I started going again - usually ALONE. Occasionally my youngest daughter will come with me, she likes the songs and stories. I don't ask my husband to come or tell him how much more enjoyable it would be for me if we could go as a family. What's the point? I know it's hopeless. I think the best thing I can do is demonstrate God's love to my family, but sometimes it gets so hard.
I look around the house and I see stuff everywhere. I am working so hard to make a nice dinner, do the laundry, try to prepare for the more, do my homework, do the things I need to do for my students and still spend time with my husband and kids, but the truth is... it gets more exhausting every day.
I know that I am so lucky to have such a beautiful family, nice home, and everything that I need. So why do I sometimes still feel unhappy? Unappreciated? Sometimes it's really hard to get my head and heart right.

What's so big about being a "Millenial" anyway?

2010-12-18T06:45:00.000-08:00

If you read my blog occasionally, you may know that I am working on obtaining my Master's degree in education. Currently, I am taking two courses: Reading in the Context Area and Philosophy of Education. Both very interesting classes, and it is amazing to see how many different perspectives there are just in the field of Education alone.
I have a fellow student who goes on and on about Millenials - that generation which was born in the last decade of the old century or the first decade of the new one. I was reading an article in the Washington Times which stated these Millenials are the children of the generation called the Baby-boomers. They aren't. They belong to us, Generation X, otherwise known as the children of the 70's and 80's.
This new generation - referred to hereafter as M's - have been blessed with an ever expanding access to information and technology. There is no question that they are more connection and have more access to information than any other generation in our history. It's all right there for them at the touch of their fingers. But is that always a blessing? If it is, it's a mixed one.
M's can multi - task and organize thoughts and data in ways not previously realized. They are also spoiled, used to the answers being at their finger tips. They don't have to know who John F. Kennedy was, or what his accomplishments were, if they need to know, they just google it. My father, who was a member of the Greatest Generation, could do amazing math facts all in his head. Now, our children rely on calculators and have difficulty performing without them or other technological tools.
They don't read. Not because they can't, but because they chose not too - which is worse. In 2005 research was conducted on high school seniors. This research was conducted by the American Freshman Society, and is a yearly survey. Alarmingly, they found that in this year and throughout the new millenium, one- quarter of high school graduates who've gone on to college have NEVER read a word or literature for their own enjoyment and or enlightenment. Further, this generation seems to view this anti-literacy as cool.
So I ask again, what is so great about generation M? As a future educator and as the mother of two members of this generation , I view them as the greatest challenge I will ever face. They have the potential for so much and yet, so often seem to opt for the easy answer.

Black Friday and the Reason for the season

2010-11-26T07:02:00.000-08:00

Wow, it's been a while since I've blogged. This site was starting to feel a little neglected. Sometimes it's hard to find the time to blog with working and school. Life's a little crazy at times. Yet, this morning I find myself inspired, so here I am.
I'm actually done with all my Christmas shopping but I was still out not so bright and definitely way too early this morning. We are going to have a full house at Christmas with my mom, stepfather and MIL all here, so I realized I had to stuff some stockings for them. Hence the reason I was out today.
The morning didn't start out well. My Dunkin donuts had a big cop car blocking the entrance and for those of you who know me, you know that me on NO COFFEE is not a pretty sight. I'm also blind as a bat so driving with the crazies was a little hairy. I missed the turn off to the highway and had to go way out of my way to get to the mall. Things weren't off to a great start. I had to drive by Starbucks' and thankfully, they were open. Eggnog latte really helped improve my holiday spirit, not to mention make me coherent.
I went to the craft store this morning. It was a great experience. I got the stockings and everything else I wanted. It wasn't too crowded and all the shoppers were still pleasant. ( Nice to know that they had managed to maintain the holiday spirit for a few short hours anyway) Then I headed to the mall. I just had one stop. Again, got everything that I needed, everyone was pleasant, and I headed home feeling pretty good.
It was cold and rainy this morning. As I was leaving the parking lot, I noticed a women with her dog on the corner with a sign that said Cold - Homeless - Hopeless. Wow.
Turns out I had a bag of stuff in my car for goodwill. ( We are getting ready for yet another move). I pulled over - I had to. I got out the bag for good will - had a weatherproof blanket and a big sweater in there. I gave them to the women and the money that I had in my wallet - enough to feed her and her dog, maybe get them a warm, dry place for the night. As I was driving away the devil on my should said that she would probably buy booze and that if she really cared about her dog she would take it to the pound. The angel on the other said asked why she should lose her beloved pet and everything else? In the end, I was glad my angel said won. I know it isn't much. It won't buy her a house, but maybe, just maybe it was enough to offer a little warmth and a little hope and a small reminder of what the Christmas season is all about - spreading God's love. I know the reason I was out this morning and it has nothing to do with Christmas stockings. What will you do to share the love this holiday season?

Say Yes to the Dress and Other BS

2010-09-18T05:33:00.000-07:00

Recently my husband and I went on vacation. We traveled through Massachusetts and New Hampshire visiting various places of interest. It was a beautiful time for us to just relax and reconnect with each other.
On our way home, we stopped to have lunch at a place called Scupper Jack's in Massachusetts. It was a very nice place with great food and a very snobby clientel. We had the unfortunate circumstance to be seated next to two older ladies and a gentlemen who clearly thought a lot about themselves and their money. Nouveau riche is what my grandmother would have called them. At any rate, as we sat and enjoyed our lunch and some quiet conversation, it quickly became impossible to avoid their discussion, which got progressively louder and louder. Their son is getting married and the two women are on the hunt to help his fiance ( and the daughter of one of the women) find the perfect wedding dress. The figure they were discussing for a "designer" dress was absolutely mind boggling - $50,000. Yes, you heard that right.
Now, let's talk about marriage. Research conducted by Bramlett (2002) suggests that first marriages have a 50-50 chance and most end within the first couple of years. Now, can you imagine having laid down $50,000 for your little princess to get married, only to have to shell out another $50,000 three years later? OUCH.
This brings me to the ridiculous show "Say Yes to the Dress". I know that many people enjoy this show, but I find it to be absurd. Why are we getting married ladies? Is it because we have found our life partner, our twin flame? Or is it because we want to get all dolled up in a fancy white dress and have all the attention on us for one day?
I think that at one point or another all girls want to be a princess. But when the dress appears to supercede the man standing next to you, there's a problem. Does a women need to spend thousands of dollars on a dress that they presumably will wear one time? I mean $50,000 is a sizable down payment on a house! Or the out right purchase of many cars. And some people sink that into a bunch of fabric worn at a marriage that many not last three years. That's my impression of insanity, right there.
I got my dress at a consignment shop. Not because I couldn't afford to go to a bridal studio but because WHY? My husband and I had a very simple wedding. Candle light - 30 people - and us. I wouldn't have had it any other way. I spent $30 on my dress and I have been blissfully happy for 14 years now.
I don't know ladies and gentlemen, tell me, do you disagree? Is there some other purpose to shows like Say Yes to the Dress which I think just elevates the suerficial and tells us to want what is sometimes beyond our means?

Where Were You?

2010-09-11T03:44:00.000-07:00

Nine years ago today, my generation's date that will live in infamy occurred. I will never forget September 11, 2001. Never.

It was a beautiful September morning in Cocoa Beach, FL. I want to say that it was a Tuesday, but I am not really sure on that point. My oldest daughter, then 15 months old, and I were visiting my mom while my husband was in CT completing Submarine training. It was hard being away from him, but we love Cocoa Beach and we stayed busy.

That morning was music class for my little girl. She loved to go. We never watch tv in the morning, so I had no idea what was going on in the world. When we got to the gym, the place was closed. So we headed over the Patrick AFB to get some groceries. We were in the commissary when they asked us to leave our carts and evacuate. I can remember my little girl saying, "But Mommy, what about our ice cream?" I was at Patrick when they scrambled all their fighters to protect the space shuttle which was currently on the launch pad.

I asked the clerk at the cash register what was going on? She said, "Don't you watch the news? We are under attack!" I got my little girl in the car and we headed back to my mother's. I turned on the radio and heard about the first two planes. There was so much chaos. There were more planes in the air, no one seemed to know if they had terrorists on them too. The whole world had gone crazy.

When we got home, I turned on the news and saw the planes hit the towers. I watched in horror as they fell, knowing there were still so many innocent people inside. We watched as the Pentagon was hit and of course, heard about the brave men and women on flight 93 that went down in a field rather than kill more of their countrymen.

Almost three thousand Americans died that day, and for what? How many have died since? Today, in Afghanistan, they burn our flag in response to a Koran burning that never happened. Need I remind you people that nine years ago, you supported those who didn't burn books - they burned PEOPLE.

Nine years later, I don't feel clarity on what happened or what our response to it should have been. I see how many brave men and women are dying in Afghanistan while our government hems and haws over getting them the right equipment, plans, numbers and more. I want them to bring those men and women home, because what are they risking their lives for?

I will never look at the world in the same way as I did on September 10th, 2001. All of us, I believe, were forever changed.

Don't try to find him... he's not there

2010-08-27T15:48:00.001-07:00

A year ago, on the 8th of August, my Dad lost his battle to Cancer. I have missed him every day since then. People tell you that when the funeral is done, the worst is over, but it isn't, it's just beginning. What you have left is a life that must go on while you miss a person that you love. It's tough.
Still, I know my Dad would want life to go on, for me to be happy, for his grandchildren to be happy. I know he's watching me and taking care of me still. I'd like to say that I was a good daughter, but in reality, I was something of a disappointment. I tried. Last summer was very hard. I was here taking care of my Dad for six weeks. I went home and two weeks later, he was gone, I never saw it coming. I thought I had more time.
All that said, I told my dad the things I needed to say. He was and always and forever will be my hero.
I didn't cry at his memorial service, he would have hated that. Even though he said tears were for funerals, he hated crying. I came back home for three weeks to be here on his anniversary, spend some time with my mom and step-father. It is wonderful and difficult to be here in the places that he was. All this time, I thought about going to the cemetery, paying my respects. I know he would have liked that.... But I just can't and I hope he will understand. Maybe that makes me weak, but I can't look at that hole in the ground and think of my father, who was my own personal John Wayne, as being in that place. I know that only his body is there and the rest of him is in a much better place, where there is no more Cancer.... but I just can't go there. I want to think of him as the last time I saw him, standing in his yard smiling and waving goodbye....

Working too Hard?

2010-07-28T19:34:00.001-07:00

Do you ever feel like your working too hard at a friendship? You don't hear from someone in a while, you call or try to touch base and things... well, they just keep slipping apart. I have to say that I feel that way about a few of my friendships right now and it's sad really.
MaIybe I'm a bad friend. Maybe life just gets complicated. To be honest, there are few people that I expend the emotional labor on to become friends in the first place. Now, to most of you that probably sounds really harsh, but those of you in the Navy will probably understand. The fact is, I'm in one place for 2-3 years usually. Just when I have a beautiful friendship going, it's time to go again. Sure I have many close friends in various places that I do maintain friendships with, but it's a challenge. After a while, you have to ask yourself, how hard do I want to work to make this friendship happen? Will it survive the next move I know is coming? Are we just in different places in our lives? I'm not really sure myself about the answers to these questions. Maybe there is just something about me.
Since I've started back to school, I have been happier than I have been in a long time. I love school, but sometimes it feels isolating. I'm so busy working on homework that I don't have a lot of time for making an extra effort to maintain relationships that are important to me.
What do you think readers? How do you maintain your friendships/ relationships? Especially for those of you that are military, do you ever feel this way?

It's Karma Baby.

2010-07-11T06:11:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my MIL departed and all the overly dramatic incidents in my life came to a screeching halt. Funny how that happens.
Here is a brief recap:
I already told you about her teeth. That cost us over $1000. - so far. The bottom teeth haven't been replaced yet, and if you have been to a dentist lately, you have some idea of how expensive that is. Enough said. Shit happens, and this is just something that we will have to take care of. Moving on.
I spent several nights while she was here out with girlfriends. This was done not only because I enjoy my time with my friends, but also to preserve my sanity. I had to spend some time away from the endless, nonsensical blathering. One day was particularly bad. I was half out of my mind when I left my house, but felt so much better after dinner at Chile's with my very good friend, Amy. We are both working on our masters degree right now, and I love hearing about her classes and the things she is learning. Plus, she is a great listener and always has a positive way of looking at everything. It helps give perspective. When I got home, I was feeling human again. Until I heard the screaming as I pulled into my garage.
My husband and his mother were in our spare bedroom screaming at one another at the top of their lungs while my baby ( she's 6 so not really a baby...) was terrified in her bedroom. I went upstairs and found my usually very rational man so pissed off that he was actually shaking. I had never seen that before. They were arguing about his mother's continuous inability to manage her medication. (She over medicated her antibiotics and was out four days earlier than she was supposed to be, as a result, my husband had to keep her medication and dole it out daily... pathetic and frustrating for him really.) After all of that and her continued assurances that she had all the medication that she needed, we collectively made no less than five additional trips to the pharmacy for her various medications. It just pushed him over the edge.
He had some problems with his vision and horrible headaches as a result of all the stress. They actually did a sonogram of his neck and heart to make sure that he didn't have a heart problem. He may be diagnosed with migraines, which is likely submarine disqualifying, because of all the stress his mother put him through in the 18 days she was here. If so, this will have a huge and lasting financial impact on my family. Thank you MIL.
Fast forward to Friday. I went to the lake on our base to see a dear friend and her children that my girls and I haven't seen in over a year. I have missed her terribly and have been looking forward to her visit for months now. One potential spoiler? Had to stop at the pharmacy for more pills on the way and of course, MIL had to go with me. Ugh. She never shuts up. I hardly got to visit with my friend without her incessent droning. There was some verbal flap over a bikini that my SIL had purchased for my oldest daughter. Sporty as I call her wanted nothing to do with a bikini and told my MIL that her daughter " doesn't know me at all." Needless to say that opened a WHOLE can of unnecessary drama complete with crocodile tears and more nonsensical diatribes.
When I got home, MIL then started drama with me by saying that my SIL "never meant to say anything bad about my children." How the hell would you hear/ interpret that statement? Probably that someone was saying something less than nice about your children right? Well, I correctly figured that my MIL was talking her usual bullshit and a whole can of bs was opened over that.
To make a long story short ( and I realize that this isn't really short - sorry. Thanks for bearing with me if you are still reading...) I told MIL that she is worthless, at risk of losing both her son and her granddaughter, she doesn't know what the hell she is talking about more than 90% of the time and if she starts any more drama between my SIL and I, she will not be welcome until it gets resolved.
The positives of this little jaunt? At least my husband realizes that no, his mother can NEVER live with us. The woman is nothing but a whirling bag of drama who leaves devastation in her wake everywhere she goes. My children aren't going to be among her victims. Nor are we going to enable her continued non acceptance for responsibility in her own life. After all, she has problems with my BIL, my husband, myself, doctors, neighbors... It can't always be the fault of the other person when the only commonality in all the insanity is her.
The last bit... the karma. Well, she got on the airplane yesterday to go to CO to visit her precious daughter and the center of the universe, my nephew. She missed her connection and had to be driven to another airport some hours away. At some point, what comes around, goes around. I hope that she has a much better visit in CO than she has had her in CT.

Damage Control

2010-07-06T04:43:00.000-07:00

We are finally on the downward spiral of the crazy train that is my MIL's visit. Unbelievably, it has been better this time than in the past. Her medication is still a problem. My husband has to keep her antibiotic and dole them out as a daily dose because she was downing them like chicklets. Still, Saturday is our return to our normal lives date. I'm looking forward to it.
Her visit has taken the largest tool on him, mainly because I am simply refusing to do all the things that I used to - like get her medicine and deal with her mini-emergencies. I am sad that it is so stressful for him but glad that he is beginning to see what she is really like when she is here.
It's funny how if there are weaknesses in your relationship, the smallest events can cause fissures to appear. Most of the time I feel like my marriage is very solid, but my MIL and my husband's whole family, really know how to find those pressure points.
On a positive note, my husband and I are planning a get away around his birthday and I am really looking forward to it. I found a beautiful hotel, right on the beach in MA. We hope to go whale watching and do lots of other fun things. I think it is really important for couples to take time to reconnect, just with one another. We will take another family vacation in the winter. I'm hoping to take the girls to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter. :) Should be fun. In the meantime though, I am looking forward to the one on one with my husband, to repair the fissures and just be ourselves. Leave his cell phone at home and use mine only for our children. Get away... just us. Heaven. I can already here the sound of the surf on the beach and feel the salty air on my face.

Today is the day

2010-07-01T06:02:00.000-07:00

Today is the day that my MIL goes to get her teeth worked on. I'm hoping that the dentist gives her enough vicodin to put her out for the next 9 days. Is that wrong of me? One would think that a sore mouth would slow down her ceaseless, nonsensical chatter, but so far, the sore mouth has had zero effect on her ability to drone on endlessly. Here's hoping that actually pulling the teeth will change that.

On a better note, today is also the first day of subfest. That is a huge midway and fair that our Navy base puts on every fourth of July weekend. We didn't get to go last year because we were at home in Pennsylvania taking care of my dad. No way we were missing it this year. Sadly, thanks to my MIL, my husband probably will miss it. I''m sure he will have to babysit her as she whines and moans all night, after all, it's all about her getting his attention. It's sick really.

So here I sit, anxiously awaiting the return of my normal life. I hate enablers and excuse makers, sadly my MIL is both. I'm just trying to drown out the incessant noise until she is ready to head on out to Colorado. You know, Colorado is a beautiful state. My sister and two of my nephews live there; however, due to the proximity of other family members and the lack of trees, I would never want to live there. My husbands family is best handled in small doses and from many states away. I always feel guilty for saying that though, like because he is with me, he is somehow giving up on something else. That said, he doesn't have a particularly close relationship with either his mother or his sister and I'm not sure that would change if I suddenly weren't in the picture.

Seriously, who does this?

2010-06-27T10:30:00.001-07:00

So, as most of my regular readers know, it is once again that time when my MIL graces us with her presence. I was starting to think that maybe, just maybe her visit wouldn't be SO bad this year. Oh how wrong I was...
So apparently, two days before coming here, she was supposed to go to her dentist and have a crown fixed on her tooth. Her entire bottom bridge is being held together by super glue and one tooth and crown is gone completely. Instead of taking care of this, she didn't bother to show up for her dentist appointment and now, guess what? Her face is swollen and her tooth is infected. What a shock. And now, we are looking at emergency action, which my husband and I will be out of pocket for, to fix this. Sigh. It truly never ends.
I don't mind when "shit happens". I get it, that's life. What I don't like is when preventable shit happens that people just didn't take care of when they were supposed to, thus making it someone else's problem. Not ok. 13 days and counting.

Aromatherapy and the Search for Quan

2010-06-26T11:14:00.000-07:00

Have you ever noticed how certain smells can make you happy or bring back happy memories? I am a very scent driven person. I think if I couldn't smell my food, I wouldn't want to eat it. Making something smell delicious is half the battle when cooking.

I also like to change my perfume scent with the seasons of the year. I don't understand women who wear nothing but Chanel No. 5 all their lives. I like Chanel, don't get me wrong, but No. 5 smells like old lady to me. I prefer Coco or Chance. My favorite scent to wear lately is Light Blue by Dolce and Gabanna - it's citrusy - very light and full of summer. I also like Sunflowers, another summery scent.

Certain scents trigger memories - like the smell of new mown grass and honeysuckle always reminds me of home when I was a little girl. My husband smells like sunshine and salt water.

Believe it or not fresh laundry always makes me happy too, not just because I have successfully climbed Mount Washmore ( hey, I do have a family of four!) but because everything smells so fresh and clean. It's a wonderful feeling.

Today I am going to mop my floors. Clean wood always gives me that fresh feeling too. A clean slate - what a wonderful feeling!

I love to burn candles. I guess my favorite scent on the planet is Lilacs. It reminds me of my Dad - he had wild lilacs all around his house and they remind me of my brother because they were his favorite flower. Lilacs - so purple and fresh. I think Heaven must smell like Lilacs.

Is there a smell that makes you feel happy or brings back positive memories from your life? I think I am off to burn some Yankee Candle Lilac and Lemon and think of happier times.

Doomsday Approaches

2010-06-21T04:21:00.000-07:00

There is no search for Quan this week, I'm too busy treading water just trying to stay afloat. My Mother in law arrives today - for 18 days. I'm already counting down.

I hope that this visit will be unlike her others, but I am preparing for the usual whirling dervish of drama and trips to the pharmacy. Ugh. I've been lethargic lately in preparations for her visit. I just can't get excited about it because every time I do, something horrific happens.

I've been trying to think about my Dad and the way that he raised me. I know that he would want me to be the best person that I can and that would include my behavior toward my mother in law. I hope that I won't let him down. I really try to be forgiving and understanding, but when she is here, I always have this elevated fight or flight feeling.

I am making plans to maximize the amount of time away from the house that I can possibly get. I need my space and some peace and quiet, neither of which are in long supply while she is around.

I love my husband, but I haven't really been connecting with him either. Father's day, memories of my Dad, this upcoming visit, it's all been swirling around in my head and leaves me feeling like I just need to get some air - some space - OUT!!!

A year ago, I spent my last father's day with my Dad. I miss him very much, still, every day. Sometimes I still dial his phone number. I hate that I wasn't there when he died, but I am glad that I was able to spend so much time with him prior to his going into the hospital.

I remember the day after Father's day last year, it was about ten o'clock at night and he was taking a shower. I heard him fall and immediately asked him if he needed help. I found him naked, face down on the floor, unable to find the strength to get himself up. My father, a man who was stronger than a sherman tank and invincible in my eyes, was as helpless as any of my babies had been. It broke my heart to see him like that, and worse, it broke his that I did. I will never forget that night. We came up with some strategies to help him so that it wouldn't happen again, but that moment has stayed with me.

I guess I never realized how adrift I would feel without him. He was my conscience and now I can only hear the things he used to say.

Gratitude and the Search for Quan

2010-06-13T18:02:00.000-07:00

Gratitude is an absolutely essential part of being truly happy. After all, if we experience no sense of wonder, no appreciation for all the bountiful gifts in our life, happiness is almost impossible. A few years ago, my daughter and I started a Gratitude journal for the month of November. We picked one thing every day to be grateful for. Then, on Thanksgiving, we shared our journals with one another. This was such a beautiful, positive experience in both of our lives that it is a tradition our entire family continues.

When my husband was deployed, I used to have trouble sleeping. I found myself laying awake thinking over and over about all the things that could go wrong in my life. Maybe the roof will leak, maybe another pipe will break, what if the children get hurt, what if my bronchitis comes back? On and on the worries went until my anxiety played like a record player every night in my head. Then, I remembered my deep, untroubled sleep from my childhood. What was different? Was it really the responsibilities that were different? Or was there something I did as I child that I had somehow lost along the way?

When I was a child, I used to talk to God every night. About various things, my life, my family... whatever came to mind. Somewhere along the way, I lost that. So, I made a point to spend some time every night listing all the things that I had to be grateful for. There are SO many.
I have a wonderful husband who loves me and who I adore. We have an amazing life together in a beautiful home, with two beautiful, charming and intelligent little girls.
I have a mother who loves me and a father that loved me. I have wonderful friends who I know would be there for me if I really needed them.
I live in a safe corner of the world. I love what I do.
If you really think about it, there is a whole world to be grateful for. I look out into my yard and sometimes I see a little red fox that lives in the woods across the way. I am so grateful that I live on such a beautiful planet, so full of various life and that I get to experience that for even a day. I love the sun on my face, the wind in my hair, the smell of my flowers in bloom. All of these things are such a gift.

My mother always taught me to find something every day that brought me joy, even if it was something small. What a tremendous gift she gave me! A few years ago, when my pipe burst, I was up late at night with the technician while he fixed it. I kept saying to him, "I'm so glad that I was home when this happened, it could have been so much worse! I'm so lucky that my friend could be here with me so I wouldn't go through it alone while my husband is deployed. I'm glad that this only happened in my garage and not the kitchen." Etc.... He laughed at me and said that he had never met anyone so grateful for having something like this happen. It was a compliment really.

So if today you are looking for the happiness in your life, as we all do...remember all the wonderful things you have to be grateful for. Start small and go from there. Believe me, there is so much!

Gratitude - it is the wave.....

In Law Troubles?

2010-06-11T04:22:00.000-07:00

My Mother in law descends on me in less than two weeks. It would be a tremendous understatement to say that I am not looking forward to her visit. Those of you that know me, or have been reading my blog for a while will understand. For those of you that don't. here is a brief synopsis. Apparently my MIL has cleaned up her act since the last time she was here, gotten her self off most of the mind altering prescription drugs that she was on, and I have been cautiously optimistic. Then I remember, that every time she comes, I get cautiously optimistic. THIS time things will be different, THIS time she will actually be a good grandmother, THIS time my children, my husband and I will all enjoy her visit. THIS time, I won't have to drive her to the pharmacy every other day. Yep, THIS time.....
However, then I am reminded that the definition of insanity is doing the same things over and over again expecting a different result. SO THIS time, I'm preparing for the worst with no hope for the best. It dawned on me that like me, some of you probably also have in law problems, too. If so, please share some ways that you cope when your in laws descend on your family.
Right now I am planning book club, two mom's night out, actively trying to book Tastefully simple parties while she is here all to limit my exposure. Any other suggestions are so greatly appreciated. Lots of Baileys and wine is the standard, by the way so I have the alcohol escape covered - and note to self - I don't usually drink. What the hell does that tell you? HELP!

Forgiveness and the Search for Quan

2010-05-30T04:06:00.000-07:00

It's hard to believe that a week has passed. It's been a crazy week here with almost everyone in my house sick. Seasonal asthma sucks.

Last weekend my husband and I had an argument, all over the mulch if you can believe that. No, I guess it wasn't really over the mulch but rather our communication skills with one another. In the course of the argument, things came up - on both sides - from our past together.

I realized then that these events from our past - while I had put the hurt of these past incidents on the back burner, I had neither forgotten or forgiven them. To be sure, these were large events in our lives, but they did happen almost 4 years ago or more. Why was I holding on to that hurt? And how did it impact our relationship together?

Holding on to past hurts is like a festering wound, and this one was in my heart. I never took the splinter out to let the wound heal but rather, nursed the pain and resentment that the pain had caused. Sure, it was buried good and deep and on most days, no one would even know it was there but it was there.... infecting all the positives in my life and even impacting my ability to connect with my husband on a deeply emotional level. Why, you ask ? Because I didn't trust him not to do it again. So I waited, nursing the pain and the hurt, licking my wounds in the dark where I thought no one could see.

Here's the thing though, that anger and resentment - it's like a cancer and the person that it hurts the most is you. I realized that to truly move on in my relationship, I had to decide if I could really forgive those past hurts and truly put them in the past where they belonged. Ultimately, I believe that I can do that and that I have done that. Sometimes arguments are healthy in a relationship as long as you aren't doing it all the time and as long as what needs to be aired is actually being aired.

I trust that my husband wouldn't hurt me for anything in the world, sometimes he just isn't an effective communicator and he doesn't know any better, but I can honestly say he is trying. As for me, I pulled the splinter out of my heart because I want my heart to be whole and healthy so that I can truly share it with my family and friends.

I honestly believe that in order to be truly happy, you have to be willing to risk your heart and forgive those that may have hurt you. You even have to forgive yourself. It's a process, but it's definitely worth it.

Love suffers long and is kind: love does not envy; love does not parade itself; it is not puffed up; does not behave rudely,does ont seek it's own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in injury but rejoices in the truth,bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. True love never dies.

Sunday Feature - The Search for Quan

2010-05-22T12:50:00.000-07:00

Did you see that movie Jerry McGuire? I love that movie. I hate Tom Cruise, but I still love that movie. The idea of Quan comes from there - it is an idea espoused by Cuba Gooding Jr.'s character that means a complete happiness. Perfection. A friend of mine started doing a weekly feature on her blog about cooking and that gave me an idea. I am going to do a weekly feature too. The Sunday search for Quan. Who's with me? I want to be my own ambassador of Quan.

I started a month ago with my World According to Snowflake, though I just didn't know then that I was on a larger quest. What makes me happy? This is going to be a weekly query and maybe, just maybe, some of the things that work for me will also work for you.

One thing I know is true - happiness is a state of mind. Things can not give it to you ( though they can make life easier) Money can't buy it, no matter how much money you have ( though like the above statement, having enough money for necessities also makes life easier.) Finally, and I think this is most important, no one else can make you happy. You have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.

The most simplistic advice I have is that happiness is a decision. We all have a choice every day. My mother always told me to find the joy in everyday. I really try to do that. Today spending one on one time with my oldest daughter brought me joy. The sense of purpose that going to school or working with the children at the school gives me is something that has also enhanced my daily joy factor. I love the way my blanket smells just out of the wash and these are just a few things that bring me joy - small, every day things.

The biggest thing that I have done in my life lately that I know has increased my happiness factor? I have limited how much news that I watch. It's never good news. The world is coming to an end every night, or some baby was killed by their mother, it's always something tragic. I remember when I was watching the news, I would step out of my house, look up at the sky and expect to see it falling. I always wondered why it wasn't? I do stay informed. I read the news - online for a large variety of sources, but I don't watch the news anymore and it has definitely been a change for the better as far as my state of mind is concerned.

Turn in next weekend to join me in my continued search for Quan.

Say What You Mean and Mean What You Say - What A Novel Concept.

2010-05-19T05:37:00.000-07:00

It seems like such a simple concept- saying what you mean and meaning what you say - and yet, it is one that is put into everyday practice so rarely. Think about it, businesses, politicians, every day people - how often do you hear them saying one thing and doing exactly the opposite? It's exasperating.

My father was a man of his word. He could be counted on to do exactly what he said he was going to. For example, when he and my mother got divorced, he told my mother that he would give her some established sum of money for the rest of his life. He did. Every month. Before he passed, he expressed to my sisters and myself that it was his wish that action would continue even after his death. Not many people are like that today, which brings me to the point of today's post...

Three weeks ago, I purchased a new washer and dryer from Best Buy. I had purchased two machines from them 11 years ago and had been extremely satisfied. Now, when it was time to replace those machines, I naturally returned to their store. My buying experience was spectacular - great customer service and more. They delivered exactly when they said they were going to deliver and everything was wonderful.

Fast forward until this last Sunday when my new washing machine, which I absolutely adore, starting pouring water out of the soap dispenser of all places! I immediately called the Geek Squad ( yes, I know what you are thinking but they do handle appliance repairs too...) to set up an appointment to repair my machine. I had, after all, spent $400 extra to get the extended five year warranty on BOTH machines. I had a great experience, they expedited my service and scheduled the repair appointment for Tuesday, which was yesterday. They told me that I would receive a call on Tuesday letting me know what time they would be here. So I waited....

9 o'clock came and went, so I called them to find out what time I needed to be back from school to be here for the repairman. They had absolutely no idea what I was talking about and worse, they had no intention of coming out yesterday. Now, I have a family of four and one dog, and I don't know about you, but I just can't go that long without my washing machine. I informed them that wasn't going to work for me that they needed to abide by what they originally told me. Long story short, after much excuses and apologizing they didn't mean what they said. They failed absolutely and completely to keep their service contract with me.

I didn't stop there though, oh no. Now I was pissed. So I called the store manager where I bought the machine. I told him the whole scenario- positive experience with purchase and delivery - abject failure on service contract. So I told him that unless something was done, I was going to cart the washer and dryer off to the curb of my house with a BIG sign that said, " I bought these lemons at Best Buy, if you want to purchase appliances from a company that stands by their promises, don't go there." I told him I would take pictures and post it all over my blog, facebook, the local newspaper, EVERYWHERE. Further, I'm a Navy wife and we all know, bad news spreads like wildfire. Needless to say, he found me a new machine and it will be exchanged for the one I have now, to be delivered later today...

I still don't know what time today but if you hear of seismic activity here in CT, well..... you'll know what happened. I'll keep you posted.

Motherhood

2010-05-11T03:54:00.000-07:00

This year, as I celebrate another Mother's Day, I celebrate the greatest gift I have ever been given - my precious children. Being a mother has always been something that was incredibly important to me. My own mother was such an inspiration in my life that I wanted to share that love with my own children. There was only one problem....

When I was 17, my gynecologist found precancerous cysts in my uterus. They did experimental (then) laser surgery. I was told that it was highly unlikely that I would ever have children. I was devastated.

Several years passed, I moved on with my life. I was in college, in love and almost everything in my life was perfect. Except... I couldn't get rid of my period. I bled for months on end and then finally.... it stopped. My boyfriend (then) and I were getting ready to graduate from college and not only did my period stop, but it left completely. I went to the doctor and took a pregnancy test - negative. So they gave me some pills to bring on my period and told me it was probably the stress of graduation. I didn't give it another thought. Another month passed. No period. The doctor was concerned that I may have cysts in my uterus again, so he gave me an ultrasound. What he found was not a cyst... but a miracle. What he found was my now 11 year old daughter....

My boyfriend and I, already planning on spending our life together, were thrilled about the baby. We got married and my family lived in new bliss. It lasted for three years and then, on another mother's day..... I lost a second baby. Miscarriage - on Mother's Day. I was devastated. I had been trying to get pregnant for over a year with no success. I was starting to think it would never happen again. God had blessed me with such a beautiful child, I felt bad about asking for more, but somehow, my family just didn't seem complete. My husband deployed and when he came home, he gave me a wonderful Christmas present.... My now six year old daughter.

Motherhood has been a joy, a challenge, a life altering experience. It's impossible to imagine loving another being so completely until... you do. My daughters are the greatest gift - Mother's day or otherwise - that I have ever been given. They make me whole and give my life a true purpose. None of this would be possible though without the amazing man that I am lucky enough to call my husband. For loving me and for our beautiful daughters, I am eternally grateful. No matter what life may bring, I will love you if for no other reason than a part of you is a part of them. Thank you my darling Robert.... thank you.

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

2010-05-08T06:09:00.000-07:00

I started working on my Masters Degree in Education three weeks ago. It's exhilirating to have so many ideas dancing around my head. It's exciting to be talking about theories and situational activities that I may someday be using in my own classroom. Wow, what an awesome responsibility.
I work 7 -10 hours at my children's school. I absolutely love working with the children, which is part of the reason why I chose to get my degree in Education in the first place. But, just like with any other job, some days are better than others.
I was in the first grade class yesterday morning. My job was to help the children who didn't understand a Math worksheet by assisting them with the more difficult components that they didn't understand allowing them to complete it. Most of the children are happy for help. They want to do what is necessary and they recognize that sometimes they need a little personalized guidance. I have one student though who really doesn't respond well to teacher intervention. I'll call him Andrew.
Andrew is very bright, but he has some behavioral issues and family problems. Some days with Andrew are better than others. On a good day, he is eager to tell me what is going on with his life, look at his work and provide insight and instruction. Yesterday was not a good day.
Andrew was having trouble with his math sheet and it was a rather complex worksheet for first graders. They were working on reading a graph, but in this case, the symbols on the graph represented more than one, so they children had to read the directions accurately and then count by the appropriate number. (2,3,or 5) Andrew had the right answers if the computation would have been 1. He doesn't handle correction well and when I asked him if he would like some help, he just shut down. He wouldn't look at me, make eye contact, talk to me... it was terrible. The only saving grace was that he was like that for his regular teacher and her full time aid as well.
I know that there are children like Andrew and it will be my job to help them. I wonder how I will meet that challenge when I can't help one little boy with his math problems? He did hug me when I left, but that doesn't help him read the graph.

Everyone's A Critic

2010-04-26T18:00:00.000-07:00

One thing I really hate - nitpicking. So I know that some people may not be familiar with that term, I don't know whether it's a northern or southern thing, but basically nit-picking is being overly critical on small items that just shouldn't matter. You ever have that happen to you? It isn't fun, is it?

The worst thing is that in addition to being the victim of overly aggressive critics, as a mother, I realize that I am often one myself. Out of necessity - or what I feel is necessity, of course. I tell my daughters to fix their hair or change their clothes when they aren't up to my expectations. I mean, impressions do mean a lot, but at the end of the day, is it worth the constant criticism?

I bicker with my husband sometimes because instead of the words of affirmation that I crave, what I often get is an unrequested critique - even of my blog and TYPOS for the love of pete! I try never to correct people on typos because, after all, we all have made them. No one is perfect.

I am going to resolve now to stop being so critical of others and attempt to go with the flow a little more. Love is what matters, not perfection. Perfection is something that I'm not even remotely capable of, so I guess I should stick with the small stuff - you know, getting up every day, doing my best, taking care of my family... the day to day dirty work that often goes largely unnoticed and unappreciated. Some one has to do it after all.

So, since I can't change others, I'm going to start with the woman in the mirror. I don't want my daughters to hear some harpy in the head when they think of their mom, I want them to think of the person who loves them most in the world, because after all, we're the same person. As for me, well, I guess I can only hope that maybe when my treatment of others changes, maybe their treatment of me will likewise change.

How to Keep Your Domestic Goddess Happy - Guys Are You Listening?

2010-04-16T03:57:00.000-07:00

There are few blogs that I read with any regularity but one that I particularly like is called Everything Must Go - A Male Perspective. It is a wonderful blog- funny, perceptive and always worth reading. At any rate, in one of the latest entries called Keeping Your Dragon Slaying Husband Happy Ken offers up some awesome suggestions for how to keep your man happy and at home. What's curious is that women are as likely as men to cheat or become dissatisfied in a long term relationship, so where is the how to guide for guys on how to keep women happy? I certainly can't speak for all women, but I will try to offer some insight into the female heart and mind.

1. Be her biggest advocate.
As a woman, I love taking care of my family. I love cooking, making a beautiful home and focusing on having a healthy marriage. As a woman, I also need to do those things that make me feel like a complete person, which occasionally includes things outside the home. When I undertake these endevours - whether it be a job, a volunteer position or furthering my education - I want my man to be there supporting my decision. Now don't misunderstand, that doesn't mean I want a yes man who agrees with everything that I do; however, it does mean that I want my man to give me his honest feedback and always have faith in my ability to do whatever I set my mind to whether it be losing 10 pounds, making a new recipe, or taking my life in a different direction.

2. Be Romantic.
This doesn't mean get her flowers every Friday, some women don't even like flowers. What is means is, find what is important to her and take the time to do the little things. If she likes flowers bring them for no reason at all. Take the time to do something special just for her to show her what she means to you. Use endearments, most women love that.

3. Words of Affirmation.
Women need to feel appreciated. If you want her to do something for you, ie, have sex more - then when she takes the time to do something special for you, let her know you appreciate it. Tell her how amazing you think she is and MEAN IT. Be honest, she will know if you are just blowing smoke up her skirt. You want her to look hot? Well, when she takes the extra time to put on a sexy dress, heels and straighten her hair for you - take the time to appreciate it. Don't just say "Wow, you look amazing." That's a good start, but take the time through your words and your actions to show her that you truly appreciate the effort that she made for you.

4.Reciprocity.
Women are more likely to repeat a behavior that feels good. Aren't men like that? So if you want something a little special in the bedroom whether it be role playing, oral sex, or whatever - make it worth her while and I promise you, she will make it worth yours.

5. Women Percolate.
Foreplay guys. Sounds simple, but I mean it. Men are often like microwaves, they turn on very easily. Women however are slower at getting aroused and they like to savor the experience. That doesn't mean that a women doesn't enjoy a quickie, but prepare her for it. E-mail or text her and say what you would like to do.... Call her and let her know you are thinking about her and can't wait to be together. Kiss her like you mean it, these are things that women appreciate.

6. Know Her Preferences.
All human beings like variety. Women like that as much as men do. Don't make her do all the effort in your relationship, sometimes the man has to take the bull by the horns. Know what she likes and actually listen to the cues her body is giving you. Sometimes women like gentle love play. Sometimes they like a man who is going to take charge and mean business. Sometimes we like to reverse roles and take charge ourselves. If you become adept at paying attention, you won't be disappointed.

7.Quality Time.
It isn't all about getting laid. Take the time to really know your woman. Talk to her about important things and frivolous things. COMMUNICATE! And most importantly, when your woman is talking to you, take the time to really listen to what she is saying. We know the difference between a man who is engaged and a man who is wondering what he needs to say to end the conversation and get in our pants.

8.Build Common Interests.
Find things that you like to do together. Try new things and places. Sharing memories and interests builds a foundation for a long lasting relationship.

9. Respect Each Other as Individuals
Even the closest of couples need time to develop outside interests. Let your partner spend time with their friends or doing the things that they love which isn't an interest you share. They will come home re-energized and these experiences will give you something to talk about. As you both grow as individuals, you need to reinforce your relationship so that you are also growing together. After all, in my opinion real love isn't found in gazing into one another's eyes, but in looking outward in the same direction.

10. Be kind and considerate. Be her knight in shining armor and no, I don't mean rescue her. I just mean love her.

Do these things and a woman worth her salt will love you in spades for them.

The World According to Snowflake

2010-04-06T18:26:00.000-07:00

I just started reading this really cool book called "The Happiness Project". Usually I would blog about this at my other blog It's a Book Thing but what I wanted to talk about isn't specifically about the book, but rather my own outlook on life.
The author of the book is working on maximizing her own happiness in her life and part of this is coming up with areas of her life that she wanted to improve and basically boiling down her life philosophy. She said that in order to embark on her own happiness project, she really needed to review her "Ten Commandments."
I have issues with considering my philosophies of life as commandments, so I will refrain from referring to them as such. Still, I definitely have a code that I do try to live by and it is my firm belief that everyone benefits when they write out or articulate their core beliefs.
Here are some of mine, in no particular order:

1. You can't wait for happiness to find you, you have to make your own happiness.
2. Barbie was meant to be plastic, not people.
3. Don't just stop to smell the flowers, actually get your hands dirty and plant some.
4.You will never "find" the time, but if something is really important, you can find ways to make the time.
5. Appreciate the ordinary because it happens way more than the extraordinary.
6.Have a plan and when life messes with your plan, be ready to go to plan B, C, D, and even ZZZ if necessary.
7.Surround yourself with people who have traits that you admire and would like to cultivate.
8. There is little that a good book can't fix.
9. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, so don't be insane. Just run little penguin run!
10. We are stewards of the world around us, not the owners of it. It is our responsibility to teach our children and try to leave the world a better place for all the creatures that share it.
11. Compromise when you are able and for those things that really matter, be prepared to kick ass and take names.
Live your life.

I'm working on my own happiness project. This is just the beginning. Surprisingly next will be formulating a plan to identify areas in my life that I would like to improve to maximize my own happiness quotient and hopefully that of my loved ones as well. More to follow....

My Blog is Going Carbon Neutral and Yours Can Too!

2010-04-01T14:12:00.000-07:00

With Earth day just around the corner, I have been spending a lot of time lately thinking about what I can personally do to reduce my carbon footprint and love my planet. Maybe there really is something to "The Secret" because, like magic, an e-mail arrived in my inbox about making my blog carbon neutral. How awesome is that? The e-mail was from a young woman in Germany who is part of an initiative called "Make it Green". Their goal is to promote awareness of the carbon emissions resulting from internet usage - or more specifically - blogs.

Now you make think that blogging is already an environmentally friendly actively, but internet usage does have some carbon footprint. A blog with 15,000 views per month (not yet but maybe someday!) generates the equivalent of 8 lbs of CO2 per year. How then am I planning on going carbon neutral? The Make it Green initiative will plant a tree for EVERY blog that writes a post about this opportunity. This group is planting trees in cooperation with the Arbor Day Foundation in Plumas National Forest in Northern California for this project to neutralize the carbon footprint of blogs. Thousands of wildfires burned down many national forests over the past ten years and 88.000 acres of Plumas' were destroyed by two fires in 2007. To help replanting they need the support of bloggers all over the world! For every participating blog they plant a tree. One blog - one tree. My blog is worth a tree - isn't yours??

Here's my Earth Day challenge - write your own entry - make all your blogs green! Here is how:
Just a few easy steps to make it green:

Write a blog post about the initiative + insert your favourite button
E-mail the link to your post to CO2-neutral@kaufda.de
We plant a tree for your blog in Plumas’!

So You Think You Have the Market Cornered

2010-03-31T11:08:00.001-07:00

Have you ever met one of those people that think they have the market cornered on problems? No one could possibly have as many problems as they do! I think we have all probably known people like that, and in most circumstances, probably many.

I'll give you an example: I live in Southeastern Connecticut and for the last two days, we have had record amounts of rain. I'm talking 10" of rain or higher. The ground has been pretty well saturated and there was just no where for the water to go, so guess where it went? You guessed it... into our basement. We had 2-3" of standing water - what a pain in the ass! We have been working for the past two days to clean it all out and I'm glad to say that we are once again "high and dry."

In the midst of all of this, there was some drama between my MIL and SIL. Not fun. It's a serious issue that needs to be discussed but the timing couldn't have been more colossally bad. In this case, it really never rains but it pours.

Here's my frustration though and the point of this post. ( Be honest, you were wondering if it was coming, weren't you??) Everyone has problems. Yes, they are relative and some people really do have more serious problems than others, but we all have them. No one has cornered the market - not the martyr who takes on everyone's problems and then wants to whine about it, not the one who creates 99.9999% of their own problems and then wants professionals ( ie lawyers) to fix it for them, not the extremely overweight person who won't accept a modicum of responsibility for their own unhappiness, no, not even the military wife who never puts her big girl panties on - we ALL have problems.

The real question in this life is not whether or not we have problems because I have already stated, we all do. It's how you handle those problems that count. Taking on so many problems that rightfully belong to other people so that you are so overwhelmed you can't function properly wouldn't be a great way to cope. Leaving your difficulties to lawyers to unravel is probably only going to get you more problems. Blaming others for your decisions and choices never allows you the ownership of those choices and the ability to affect real change in your life. Wanting your life to be other than it is and yet doing nothing other than wishing and hoping, well, in the words of that 60's song "won't bring him into your arms".

Problems have to be faced. Head on. There has to be a PLAN of action for addressing the problem. Have you noticed yet that I am big on plans? Most of mine go awry but it gives me the illusion of control over my own life. Yesterday we faced our problem by marching into three inches of water and getting our hands ( and everything else!) wet. One thing that this life has taught me, there is always a curve ball. Tragedy is always one second away, and you won't always be able to be ready for the things that life throws at you; however, the good part is that you decide what to do with the pitches you are given.

Don't let the martyrs, the whiners, and others bring you down. Live your life.

Cruising Along

2010-03-16T04:10:00.000-07:00

Last week was my 11th wedding anniversary, a topic I am usually quite loquacious about, but apparently not this year. The day came and went without a peep and while I had a wonderful anniversary with my husband, I felt uninspired. Strange for me, but it happens.
Today my husband and I are preparing for another anniversary. 11 years ago tomorrow he rejoined the Navy. I can remember it like yesterday. I was pregnant and he had a job offer from Lockheed Martin and this interview with the Navy. I never suspected that he would choose the Navy over Lockheed. I can remember him laying out all his reasons like it was yesterday. He told me that the economy was cyclical, which of course, I understood well. He said that he was worried about a time when things would be very difficult in the future. It was a future that I could not imagine, but in retrospect seems almost prophetic.
I hear on the news every day how things are getting better and I wonder why I can't see it. Don't get me wrong, thanks to my husband's foresight, we are comfortable enough, but I'm not blind. I see the struggles of my friends and neighbors. Gas is on the rise - again. I'm sure that before the summer is in full swing, we will be looking at $4 a gallon again. The cost of everything seems to be on the rise...
11 years ago, I railed against my husband's decision. I hated the Navy and all the time it would keep my husband away from me. But 11 years later, I am so thankful for the life the Navy has given us, the places we have seen, the lessons that it has taught. I never thought I would say it, but sometimes the right decision isn't always the obvious choice.

It Never Rains....

2010-03-04T14:41:00.000-08:00

but today, it certainly has been pouring. And I don't mean the rain.

My day started out with a phone call. Unless it's my friend Bronwyn who I usually chat with over morning coffee, starting my day off with a phone call is usually never a good sign. This call was from my father's accountant. We have been trying to get my Dad's taxes done for the last time. Not only was this call "not good", I'd say it was the phone call equivalent of Fat Man and Little Boy.

So, the accountant asks me if my Dad paid his estimated taxes quarterly. This was his custom, but in the days after his death, the checkbook was lost. Not a huge deal, the people at my dad's bank are great, and I felt certain that I could get the information from them that I needed. It would just take a little more time and effort on my part.

Sadly the questions didn't end there. The next one was, "Do you have his 1099 from Social Security or the Air Force". My answer? No, I sent you everything that I received. Well, we need that if we don't want to risk an audit. ( And let's face it, who the hell would want to risk an IRS audit? Not I....) So now, I also had to call the Social Security Administration and DFAS to try and resolve this ongoing umbruglio. This day was getting uglier by the second.

So, I hung up the phone with the accountant and proceeded to begin the various rounds of phone calls I now needed to make, starting with the social security administration. When someone dies, you have to call the SSA to alert them to that person's death, which of course we did. However, what the amazing government employees who comprise this fine institution fail to tell you is that once a person is reported as deceased, they will not forward 1099's. Oh no, survivors have to go to a SSA office, with death certificate of the deceased, their own birth certificate, and two forms of photo id to request a copy of the 1099 in person. That would have been great to know when I first reported my father's death. You would have thought that they could have mentioned that.

I was unable to get in touch with the Air Force today, so I have that yet to look forward to. The fun just never stops. The high for the day, at least the awesome ladies at the bank were able to get me proof that my Dad did, in fact, pay his quarterly taxes. Like my Dad always used to say, it can't rain on the same dog's ass everyday. Tomorrow has to be better.

Boys VS. Girls

2010-03-01T04:24:00.000-08:00

It seems like there is a lot of this going on in my life right now between my reading groups as school and he current Navy "hot topic" of allowing women on submarines, it seems like the battle of the sexes is everywhere I look.

I took on another reading group discussion for my daughter's 5th grade class. It is quite interesting actually as one group is all girls and one group is all boys. What a difference there is between the two groups, and also in the selection of books to discuss.

My girls are discussing "Every Bird that Sings". This is the story of a young girl whose family owns a funeral home and about dealing with life's changes and challenges. The story is very Southern and the characters have unique names. My ladies were all a-twittter wanting to give themselves Southern names, name our discussion group, tell me about all the people in their families that have died and so on. It's a lively group and they all have a lot to say and contribute. The challenge for me will be keeping them on task. They have a lot of energy and a willingness to discuss,maybe all most too much. The book they choose makes you feel and discussing it will require discussing how you feel about it. My girls seem more than up to the task.

The boys, on the other hand, chose a book called "Code Talkers" about the Navajo code talkers of World War 2. They were all very serious and very focused on their choice. They seemed very interested to learn more about World War 2 generally and the code talkers specifically. They were very excited when I told them I had found part of the code on the internet and would bring them in some samples. A few of them said that they wanted to learn more about World War 2 because of a video game that they had played.

I am really looking forward to the next couple of months and spending time with these children. I hope that I can bring something to their lives that they will carry with them into their future endeavors.

Valentines Day

2010-02-22T14:34:00.000-08:00

So usually I forego the purely "hallmark" holiday, but since my husband was home this year, we actually celebrated. It was nice for a change to not be the so outspoken conscientious objector and just be able to enjoy.

That's not to say that $100 roses that usually cost $29.99 or less don't still offend me - they do. But a handmade card from my honey? That was a most welcome Valentine. Ok, he did get me flowers too - Daisies ( my fave) not roses. The best part of the holiday though was just spending time together - both just the two of us and with our daughters. This is something that we haven't been able to enjoy together in three years, so I guess we were due.

Still, as I have lamented on many occassions Valentines day and the hype and advertising offends me. Let's review.
Valentines Day is a day for lovers - ok, but if you really love someone, shouldn't that be celebrated everyday, not just on the obligatory February 14th? I think so.
Let's look at the advertising -
Hallmark - when you care enough to send the very best. Ok, so if my husband makes me a card or writes me a love letter that means he somehow loves me less than a woman whose husband buys her the card with the right stamp on it?
Oh and my personal favorite... Every kiss begins with Kay. So if my husband wants to really show me he loves me, he can only do that with jewelry? Followed by my next thought that if my husband is interested in anything beyond a kiss he better find a jeweler that begins with F??? What is that about? It's like legitate prostitution of some sort. If you want to get some than you better be giving some....

Say it isn't so. I love my husband whether he buys me flowers, a Hallmark card, or jewelry. I can say that in our relationship he has bought me jewelry three times in thirteen years, and once that was my engagement ring. It's all good, I know he loves me even if he doesn't put us in hock to Kay jewelers. Maybe I even think he loves me more.

Our gift to one another this year? A HUGE chuck of our house paid off. We will own it outright in just four years, giving us both a great sense of satisfaction and at least some security. That dedication to our family is worth so much more to me than the obligatory roses, crown and jewelry box.

I Need A Little Summertime

2010-01-31T06:12:00.000-08:00

I can't really complain, the winter here actually hasn't been too bad; however, the last couple of days have been bitter, bitter cold. When the wind blows, it feels as if it blows right through to your soul and that you will never be warm again. Honestly, I would rather have a foot of snow than that kind of wind.

I started to write yesterday but was on such a downer that I was even depressing myself. Decided to scrap that entry and move on. Today I want to focus on feeling warm, memories of summers past and hopes for the spring and summer ahead.

In just a few days, the groundhog will look to see if he can see his shadow. The groundhog better give me good news!!! Seriously though, usually here in CT, just when I think that winter is over, Jack Frost gives us one more thorough snow! Last year it was 17 inches in the beginning of March. I don't know, maybe old Jack wanted to celebrate St. Patty's early.

Summertime brings to mind so many things - the feel of the sun on my face, the sand between my toes, the sound of the waves crashing on the shore, and the gulls crying. Although I don't enjoy being too hot, I do love the summertime here in CT, especially on the beach. Summer also bring s back memories of young love, kisses on a hot, summer night, promises shared, the feeling of doing anything to be with that person just one more time. I still feel those things, but sometimes, in the dead of winter it's easy to forget the feel of the sun.

My husband and I started our relationship in July. Just before the 4th. I can remember being at the beach with Meatloaf playing on the radio, sharing our first kiss to the strains of..." You took the words right out of my mouth, it must have been while you were kissing me..." I love Meatloaf.

I remember nights on the beach with my Robbie - holding hands and whispering words of love while we made grand plans for a future we weren't even sure was going to happen. Love certainly is a leap of faith, isn't it?

I can remember waking up early and walking to the beach together. I remember making love in the waves and how glorious it felt to greet the sun.

Sometimes I miss that desperate feeling of I have to be with you right now... life has become comfortable and in many ways that is a good thing. Still, when I think about summer, I remember those times when we were young and desperate - shining our love into the dark of the night and wondering what, if anything, would ever come of it.

Here we are nearly 14 years later. Wow, that's a long time. I still remember like it was yesterday. When I look in my husband's eyes, I still see the guy who made me solar systems in the sand.

Sometime ago a friend asked me if I visited other places in my past when times were troubled. I wasn't sure of my answer then, but I am now. I think of those summers and those memories. My Robbie will always be my summertime....

A Memorable Afternoon

2010-01-24T06:02:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I went to visit Kitty. She is one of my hostesses for February and I wanted to touch base with her before her party. Kitty is an amazing woman, I was amazed at how quickly my afternoon passed there in her cozy apartment.
Kitty is 72 years old with diabetes, but she is spry and lively. She has an infectious smile and a warm embrace. Stepping into her quaint little apartment is like stepping into a flat over in England. She has lots of florals and glittering spheres, which she has collected for the last 40 years.
Kitty has lead an amazing life. She has six children, all by her husband of 17 years. They had 17 amazing years together, and then he passed. Cancer, what else? She raised their children alone, doing so many things that I don't think I could ever be brave enough to do if I didn't have my Robbie there beside me.
The first thing you notice about Kitty's apartment besides the cozy decor and glittering spheres hanging everywhere is Jabez. Jabez is her pet Dove and he is given free flight over the entire apartment. He is a beautiful tawny pink color with a very sweet demenour. Kitty says that he is shy, but he took to me right away! How do I know? Well, he landed on my head and then plopped down to my shoulder where he quietly began singing in my ear. What an experience to be this close with an otherwise wild creature. Kitty got Jabez from a rescue shelter when she learned that she couldn't afford a dog.
Kitty loves to craft and I discovered that she and I share a passion for beading and that she is also learning how to scrapbook. As we whiled away the afternoon, I learned that she is hoping to make a scrapbook for a wedding present for her youngest son, but that she seemed somewhat lost by the process. I quickly found myself offering my help.
I sat there with Kitty thinking that it had been a long time since I had so much fun talking to anyone. She had such amazing stories. My father always told me that I had a real affinity with older people, and I believe that is right. I respect and admire them. I love to hear their stories about a life and world long past. I look forward to more afternoons with Kitty and it is my fervent hope that our friendship will continue long after her party is past.

Margaret Isobel Myles Thomson

2010-01-15T06:10:00.000-08:00

My husband hates it when I use quotes, but since this is my blog, I'm going to use one anyway, even though this entry is about his grandmother. Henry Drummond once said that to "love abundantly is to live abundantly and that to love forever is to live forever." I can think of no greater way to epitomize Isobel's life than by that quote. I never met a woman who loved or lived more abundantly than she did.
Isobel, as she preferred to be called, is my husband's Grandmother. She passed on into the next life this last Sunday. It's something that we had been expecting for some time, she was after all 92 and no one, not even one as vivacious as she was, can live forever.
I will never forget the first time I truly met her. It was a car ride that changed my life. Robert and I had been seeing each other for a while. I knew that I loved him with all my heart but I didn't know if we had a future. His grandmother showed up at his house one day, unexpectedly and needed a ride home. She asked him if I would drive her. I was so horribly nervous because I knew what a very important person that Isobel was in Robbie's life and I wanted to make a good impression.
She was lively and charming with a smile that was absolutely infectious. She had such a way about her, but underneath it all, even in her tiny frame, you could sense the steel underneath. Anyone that had lived through all she had must be tough.
At any rate, I can remember she asked me whether a bedroom suite was a suit of furniture or a suite. I knew that much of my future rested on getting the answer right. I explained that like herself, my grandmother had been very proper and while it is spelled suite, a set of furniture is actually a suit. She smiled delightedly and from that moment, we got along famously. I will never forget the privilege of basking in the smile and realizing something I had done had somehow elicited something so miraculous.
Yes, Isobel's smile was miraculous, like basking in the warmth of the sun. She loved like that too. She was a very passionate person and she loved completely, whole heartedly and forever. There was no halfway with her. The love she shared with her husband of 44 years continues to be an inspiration to all who knew them. Whenever I find myself questioning whether true love exists or not, I think of Isobel and Addison and my answer is always yes.
When Robert and I had a child of our own, Kaylee and I would spend Wednesday afternoons having tea with Addison and Isobel. These are times that I will treasure forever. She liked her tea just so, and he was usually watching Hogan's Heroes reruns. I remember all the stories that they told me, his about the war and hers about her experiences growing up in Scotland, coming to America, working in London during the war - even meeting Errol Flynn. They are all engraved on my heart and in my mind. Isobel was one of the most intriguing and truly beautiful people that I have ever met.
I feel so blessed that Isobel was part of my life - even if for a short time- and I feel honored to call her family. I will forever be grateful for all that she did in creating the man that I love. I see much of her in him. Her generosity, her charm, that miraculous smile ( when he chooses to use it) all of that comes from her. His love of music and piano - again a gift from his Grandmother. The way he questions authority and looks for the answer... there is so much of her in him and I hope he always knows that.
So today, for all who will miss not seeing Isobel's smile, I remind you ( and myself) that those we love never truly die, and that only love lives forever.

An Eye Opening Trip to the Grocery Store...

2010-01-06T13:16:00.000-08:00

So, one of my environmental goals for the new year is being a more conscientious consumer. It's amazing what you find when you look at the labels. Do you know how much junk we put on and in our bodies on a daily basis? Here are just a few COMMONLY found in your everyday beauty and cleaning products. Considered yourself forewarned though, you are about to be grossed out!
1. Triclosan - this is a chemical that is found in almost all antibacterial products. Triclosan is often contaminated with dioxins which are highly carcinogenic and can weaken your immune system. Kind of ironic in an antibacterial product huh?
2.Parabens (methyl - ethyl - propyl[ butyl-isobutyl) These are commonly found in moisturizes and lotions. They are chemical preservatives that have been identified as disruptive of normal hormone function.
3. Talc - as in baby powder - Talc contains a chemical that is similar to asbestos and can increase the risk of certain ovarian cancers.
4. Isopropyl ( SD-40) is a drying agent that strips off the outer layer of your skin, exposing your skin to bacteria and accelerates aging and brown spots. Yucky!

And these are just the tip of the iceberg - a conglomeration of ingredients that you probably have - RIGHT NOW - in your bathroom and your kitchen. Do yourself a favor and research what you put IN and ON your body!

Which brings me back to my trip to the grocery store. I have been a avid food label reader for over a year now, and now I am becoming a more compassionate consumer too, but it is amazing how many go blindly into the grocery store. I saw a woman the other day who was over 300 pounds, with an equally obese toddler buying... guess what? A 5 pound container of cheese curls!!! Yuck! DO you know how much fat and calories are in that???
Looking at the carts it is amazing to see so much that is preprocessed food. Does anyone cook anymore?Not to mention all the packaging and don't get me started on the use of plastic or paper bags at the store! Do us ALL a favor and invest in some reusable bags, they are so much easier than either the paper or plastic - that you will be glad you did!
On your next trip to the grocery, look around. Trust me, you will be amazed what you see. Start reading your labels. One way to stop the advance of cancer is to get serious about fighting it. It's like the old adage says - an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. Healthy shopping!

Facebook

2010-01-04T04:56:00.000-08:00

It's amazing what social networking sites can bring into your lives. In the last year, I finally left "that company" that I was working for and no longer visit their social networking site. Happily though, I was able to find all my friends from aforementioned site on Facebook. ( I hate myspace and only had an account there for my last job). At any rate, I love Facebook, it's a great way to keep up with my friends who are so far away.
In the past year, Facebook has brought back to very important men in my life. The first is my cousin Johnny. He was the closet thing that I ever had to a brother. We both lived in FLA and when I was a teenager we spent a lot of time together. Life and circumstances tore us apart and I am ashamed to say that I lost track of him for a long time. I am so happy to have him back in my life! He has a little girl the same age as my youngest and we are making plans to hopefully get together in FL sometime this year. I would really like that, even though it means getting on an airplane. yuck. Whatever it takes though, I am so glad to have Johnny back and I'm not going to lose him again. He is some of the last family I have on my mother's side.
The other is a longer story..... We met when I was 13, on the cusp of 14. (Gosh that was a big year) We were moving to Florida from Pennsylvania and there was so much changing in my life. On the horrendous drive to Florida, we stopped along the way in South Carolina, to stay with my parents best friends from highschool. Oddly enough, they had a son, just a little older than me. Mike.
You know how you meet some one and you just connect with them instantaneously? It was like that; the stars and planets aligned and it felt like we had been friends forever. For three days we were inseparable. I watched Jaws for the first time with him, we played cards and just had fun together. When my parents first told me we were going there, I didn't want to go. A few days later, I didn't want to leave... But leave we did.
Mike was a constant fixture in my life after that. He was an awesome pen pal for a boy and I looked forward to every letter - rushing to the mailbox every day to see if there was something new. I loved hearing about his life and exploits. I even have pictures that he sent me - still.
Mike and I went to Prom together - his. The only Prom I went to - couldn't be bothered with my own - I despised highschool and just about everyone I went to high school with. It's sort of a shame now, but I'm glad that I was able to go to Mike's prom, he's really the only person I would have wanted to go with anyway. We were quite the couple. I found some old pictures of us that I promised to put on Facebook for him for a laugh.
For years I carried a torch for him, but I was in FL and he was in SC and when you're a teenager, that's a very long way. Life sort of got in the way. I got invovled with bad boys, and couldn't see how wonderful nice boys were.
Years later, we hooked up again. He was a bad boy this time. I think we were so caught up in being what the other person wanted, that neither one of us was ourselves. There was a history for him that I sort of interrupted. Or thought I did. Things didn't end well and ...well, he gave up too easily. I guess we were just star crossed and couldn't get it right.
Now life has brought him back. It's weird. I searched him on Facebook and just a few days later - there was a friend invite from him in my inbox. It's like the secret - you know, what you put out in the universe comes back to you. I'm glad to have him back in my life. I look forward to hearing from him, just like I did as a young girl and just like then, I feel like I can talk about anything and everything. I've missed having him in my life. Sometimes I wonder where the road would have taken us if things had worked out differently. Not that I'm anything but happy where I am - I'm pretty sure I made that clear in an earlier blog entry - but being curious, one wonders. Still, this is where the road has led us and I'm so glad that we are still friends. I love you Mike.

A New Year's Promise Kept

2010-01-01T08:34:00.000-08:00

My best friend challenged all of her friends to make 2010 a healthier year - for themselves and especially for the planet we all share. The goal was to come up with ten things each of us are going to do in the new year to make the world a better and healthier place.

So,here are my goals. I'm striving for 10, lets see how I do...
1.) I believe that in order to make the world a better place, I have to make myself a better person. Constantly improving ourselves and the world around us should be the goal of all. That said, I am going to do yoga more and complain less. Thank God for my blessings and exorcise the negativity from my life - in myself and in others. Like the old song says, you have to accentuate the positive and for people like me, that's everyday, because it is easy to fall into old habits.
2.Consume Less. Practice the do I NEED that philosophy. (This is easy to do now that have my snowblower. LOL.) I think that in general, our society consumes too much, buys too much. I am an impulse consumer. No more. My goal is to wait, ask myself do I NEED that and if the answer is no - pass.
3.Gift giving is going to be more thought and homemade orientated this year. Bronwyn and I are learning to knit so socks and scarves are in order for all, using organic cotton and other materials of course. I truly believe that handmade gifts are often the best. My oldest daughter gave me a scarf she made this year. It was, by far, the best present I got.
4. I purchase a Nook. A Nook is an electronic book, that allows you to download new books AND share books with friends who also have a Nook. This may seem like a small thing, and contrary to other goals listed above but if any of you could see how many books I have, you would understand. I my books. I love trees more.
5. Further along that end, both my book clubs are going to start a book swap to encourage less consumerism and more reading. :) All books I have finished and swapped will go to good will and the local senior center. The library here and I do NOT get along!
6.I am an avid label reader when it comes to my food, but I am going to read ALL labels making sure to make environmentally and ANIMAL safe products. I will make my dollars be a voice for those that have none.
If anyone did the things to my dog that dogs routinely undergo in the name of beauty, I would kill them.
7.When going to the movies I will bring my own, metal water bottle. I will not contribute to the landfills by purchasing bottled water.
8. I am going to plant a garden. Since we bought this house, I knew just where my garden would go, but every year found some excuse not to plant. Not this year. This year, my lettuce, tomatoes, peppers and more are going to hopefully come from my own garden. Maybe someone I know will help me?
9.Reduce and Reuse more. It's amazing how much trash my family of four, plus one dog, can generate. We are going to reduce our trash production from two cans to one - every week.
10.Today, I bought a tree in honor of my father at http://www.treepeople.org. I can think of no better way to honor him and start the new year right!

4.

New Years and What Not....

2009-12-31T07:42:00.000-08:00

So last year I have a slew of New Years Resolutions. I achieved some of my goals, while others, as my best friend would say are "a work in progress." I guess that is the way it goes.

So an overview of the goals that I did accomplish. I am very proud to say that I sit here debt free. Yep, the credit cards are paid off and most of them are GONE. What a huge monkey that was to get off my back!

While I didn't lose another twenty five pounds, I did manage to keep off the weight that I lost last year. I am happy to maintain and will continue to work on making healthier choices this year. I'm off to a bang up start - plain bagel with cream cheese. Can you hear the sarcasm? Oh well. Tomorrow is actually the first, right?

Some of my goals in retrospect seem lofty and well, from where I sit today still remain a work in progress. I don't do a gratitude walk, but I do reflect on those things that I am thankful for every night when I pray. I really do need to focus on being more thankful. Sometimes it is hard.

It was a difficult year. 2009 saw the end of my father's ongoing battle with Cancer - the last battle. Even though he lost the fight, he did it with grace, faith, and courage - in the end I know he won the war and is in a better place without Cancer now. All those things that I thought I was doing for him, I know now that I benefited so much more than he ever did. I hope that the things I did for him made his last days a little easier. I wish I could have seen him one more time, but I am happy to remember him as I do, instead of in a hospital bed.

I am glad to close the door on 2009. Bag it and tag it, put it on the shelf and move on. 2010 has to bring better things - for everyone.

Where Would I Be?

2009-12-29T05:36:00.000-08:00

Someone asked me the other day where I would be if I weren't with my Robbie. Wow, I was so taken aback. To be honest, I had never even given it a thought, or if I had, the visions that I saw there were so horrific that I quickly mentally backed away and thanked my lucky stars that wasn't the case.
An angel brought him to me. I know that. Lucky stars guided my feet to where I would find him. My father said that everyone has many potential matches for their life partner and that no one has that one perfect fit. It is the one thing that he told me that I never believed. I know soul mates exist because I found mine.
The day we met, I knew he would change my life forever. Every happy memory or circumstance as an adult has him at the core of it. Every vision I have for my future revolves around an old man that looks striking like the man I married 11 years ago.

Where would I be without Robbie? Loveless,childless and desperate. My life was a dark, dark place. I like to think that I could have escaped it all, but since following the path that I believe was chosen for me - my life has been blessed. I am almost ridiculously lucky. I have a husband that I adore, two beautiful little girls, a beautiful home, everything my heart could possibly desire and so much more. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to make sure that I'm not dreaming. How did I get here? What did I ever do to deserve to be so lucky? The truth is, I just don't know, but one thing I do know is that I am happy to be here and I want to spend every day for the rest of my life making him happy that I am here too.

The Organ

2009-12-24T07:18:00.000-08:00

What is it about Christmas Eve that brings on memories of Christmas's past? As I was driving down the road today, I was thinking about the Christmas's of my youth, when my family was still whole and I was oblivious to the fact that bad things really could (and would) happen to me.

My father used to tuck me up in bed at night and say my prayers with me. I can remember that I hated kneeling on the hard, cold floor to say my prayers before getting into bed and I can remember wondering why a loving God would want us to be so uncomfortable? Still, I enjoyed those quiet times with my Dad.

When I was about 10, I had a little, orange, toy organ. I would strike the keys and attempt to make music. On one such evening, I played my little organ for my father as he looked tolerantly on. When I was done, he asked me if I enjoyed playing. I told him that I did, even though I wasn't really very good. He looked at me thoughtfully and asked me if I would be willing to give up my little orange organ to a child that didn't have any toys at all. Even though I didn't really want to give it up, I thought how terrible I would feel if I didn't have any toys at all. So I reluctantly told him that I would be willing after all.

The next day, my little orange organ disappeared, and while I was sad, it made me happy to know that another little girl or boy would find joy in it and love it as much as I did. Days passed and then weeks. I thought about my organ, but less and less over time, and then came the busy bustle of the holiday season. I was soon caught up in the Jesse tree at school ( a favorite tradition ), cookie baking and all that Christmas brings. Finally, after what seemed like waiting forever, Christmas eve finally came! It was so hard to wait all day until the next morning to see if Santa Claus would really come.

My Grandmother was visiting us, and while she was there she slept in my room. I was moved into the spare twin bed in my older sisters room. I actually liked being in her room, she told the most wonderful stories when the humor was on her, so this was just fine by me! That night, I went to bed early, as I did every Christmas Eve. Late that night though, I was awakened by a very loud noise! Could it be Santa Claus?

Well, the answer was YES .... and no. I heard my Dad and his best friend Mo laughing and carrying on together as they always did. There was a lot of moving around and banging - as if they were carrying something very heavy into the house. They shared a few beers from my Dad's tap before Moe headed back out into the snow. Eventually, I went back to sleep dreaming sweet dreams of the next morning...

When I woke up, we went downstairs to open our Christmas presents, and there, in the corner of our living room was the most beautiful, full sized organ that I had ever seen. My parents told me that it was from Santa Claus and I never let them know that I heard Dad and Moe bringing the organ into the house. It didn't matter, because it meant so much more to me knowing that it was really a gift from my parents.

He got me lessons and I learned to play. He used to sit for hours and listen to me, even though, especially at first, I wasn't very good. I still have my organ. It sits in my own living room now, mainly quiet, but every now and again I play it and think of my Dad. I wish he was here and I could play it for him again....

I Had a Dream Last Night....

2009-12-13T04:34:00.000-08:00

When I was younger, I used to dream all the time - vivid, complex dreams that indicated which way I should go in my life. I worked out my troubles in my dreams, made decisions, and created casts of characters there for my as yet unrevealed fictional world. No that I am older, I don't dream the way that I used to. Now I dream of my past and the people I used to know.

Last night I had one of those dreams. I dreamed of a boy that I knew when I was 13 years old. Yes, I was 13 and he was 17 and puppy love doesn't begin to describe it. He lived in our apartment building - downstairs from our apartment. My parents had just gotten a divorce and I was about to get a new stepfather so my life was going through a tremendous upheaval when I first met Mike Simoni. I remember that day very clearly. I was baking cookies with a friend to take to some elderly people that were shut ins that we had adopted. My older sister Lisa - age 17 - was also visiting at the time. My friend, Michelle, and I were in the kitchen covered in flour when there was a knock at the door. I heard a voice ask, "if your daughter is here?" Of course my blonde haired, blue eyed sister went bounding to the door to see what boy was bothering her this time. He took one look at her and said, "No, your *other* daughter." I loved him before I ever laid eyes on him.

He was cocky and sure of himself as I am sure most 17 year old boys are. I had just finished reading The Outsiders and he was my Ponyboy incarnate. He taught me a lot of things in the few years that we knew one another, not the least of which is what it feels like to have a broken heart. When I think of him though, it is always fondly and I wonder where he is now, and I wish him well always. Sometimes when I dream of him, it's like we have bumped into one another at a coffee shop and we update one another about what is going on in our lives. At other times, the dreams are more like memories. Last night was a mixture of both. I remember him the way he was then, I even remember some of the cruelty we put each other through but in my heart, I will always be grateful to that boy for helping me grow up, for showing me what a relationship should and - should not- be. MJS, wherever you are, I still think of you and hope you found happiness. Somewhere deep inside, my 13 year old heart still remembers and from time to time.. thinks of you fondly.

I'm all grown up now - a real woman with little girls of my own. ( And no, I will never, never let them date a 17 year old boy when they are 13!) I have been married to my husband for almost 11 years, but all the boys along the way, the the heartbreaks big and small... they all brought me to this place.

Updated Reading List

2009-11-28T13:03:00.000-08:00

I have always found Egytian history absolutely fascinating and I learned so much reading this book. For example, I had no idea that Nerfertiti, probably the most powerful queen of Egypt besides Cleopatra, was actually the step mother of Tutenkamen. Amazing. I also had no idea that Tut married his half sister and that, according to this author, it appeared to be a genuine love match. I'm not sure if I follow his premise and believe that Tut was murdered, but their definitely seemed to be many people and factors conspiring against Tut. It's ashame, I would have loved to see what he may have accomplished in the fullness of his life.

Even though this book is considered YA, I enjoyed reading it. I loved the premise behind Elsewhere and thought the authors vision was entirely unique. I especially loved the part where they talked about the need for all people to have a avocation - not an occupation. While the usual definition of that word is a hobby of some sort, this author suggests it as a life calling that one loves. I think that all of us are called to something, but not all of us truly ever learn what it is that we are called to do. I loved the ompleteness of the journey that the characters go through. My favorite character in the book? Lucy the Pug, of course!

Trite and boring. I wanted a labotomy by the time I was half way through, but since the book is so small, I pressed on. The end is touching but it just can't save the rest of the snoring...oops, I meant to say story. This one is definitely a snoozer.

I loved this book. It was great that it could be read slowly, a chapter at a time to allow for time to really think about the topics in every chapter. This is one that I will keep and reread, because I truly believe that an Attitude of Gratitude is absolutely critical to living a happy, healthy life.

Currently reading: Ayn Rand and the World She Made, The Christmas List and Under the Dome.
Up Next: Pirate Latitudes, The Horse That God Made, Bleak House.

Do They Get It

2009-11-14T20:09:00.001-08:00

This evening my husband and I were watching "Nights in Rodanthe". For anyone that has seen the movie or read the book, you know it is an amazing, heartfelt book about finding love and how love can save us.
I sat there with my husband, enthralled by the story while he seemed like he would rather be having a labotomy. His response to stories like this always makes me wonder whether it's him, or whether men ( most men anyway) just don't feel things like women do. It's frustrating.
I honestly feel like my husband and I have a love tht is unique and amazing - something that most people don't have. But at other times, I wonder if I feel that way about him and I think that he feels the same way about me and it's really just an illusion because he's just not capable of feeling the depth and breadth of what I feel. There must be some men who feel it, even if they can't articulate it. I mean some of the worlds greatest poets: Shelley, Byron, Browning... all men. Heck, even Nicholas Sparks ( who wrote Nights in Rodanthe is a man, though I must say he channels female better than anyone I have ever seen.)
There is a scene in Willow - you know, the sci-fi, fantasy movie Willow - where Mad Martigan says to Sorcha, " You are my sun, my moon, my star-lit sky. Without you, I dwell in darkness...." Every woman wants to be her mans sun, moon and star-lit sky. Every one of us. Occassionally it would be nice to have that vocally articulated. Not everyday, but occassionaly, yep, I could go for a healthy dose of Mad Mardigan.

The Thing I'm Grateful for Today? It's a No Brainer...

2009-11-11T06:53:00.000-08:00

Warm Arms, Happy Hearts

2009-11-09T08:17:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It's weird because when I was young, I just didn't get it. I viewed it as a day where nothing really happened but dinner, it seemed sort of like a waste. It's hard for me to believe it now that I used to view things that way. At any rate,I understand it now. Maybe it is like that for everyone - something you only truly appreciate later.
I usually blog about the things that I am thankful for during the month of November. This month I'm off to a slow start thanks to the Swine flu, but better late than never.
After three very long years, my husband is finally on shore duty. I can't explain how wonderful that feels, but I know that many who read this blog are military wives, mothers, and members, so you all will understand. As a friend said to me today, "you always feel like you are on borrowed time." So true. Even now, I am faced with the knowledge that some time, some day, I will have to give up my husband again. I know we choose this life and I wouldn't have another, but it is still a sacrifice to watch him go.
This year, I am extremely grateful for the warm arms that surround me every night. He may have to work during the day, but every night, he's here at home with me and our children, where he belongs. It's wonderful to do all the things as a family that we want to. It's wonderful to do the simple things that most people take for granted, like having someone to share popcorn and cuddle with while watching tv, or just sharing the silence at night with. Even the soft, even sounds of his breath while he sleeps is something that I am so grateful for. If I can hear it, that means he's close... and I'm not lying in bed alone - imagining him next to me instead.
I never want to forget how grateful I am, how much I appreciate him. I love that man. I love the family we have made together and I never, never want to take him for granted. Warm arms around me certainly do make for two very happy hearts.

The Big Apple

2009-11-08T05:21:00.000-08:00

New York is a strange city full of the complex contrasts found in all of humanity - the best and worst, the beautiful and ugly.... New York has it all. You always hear about how rude New Yorkers are. We certainly experienced that - from the man who literally crawled over me at the subway, to the fat youths who refused to give up seats on the subway to the elderly, rudeness appears to be a common fabric in the thread of every day New York life. And yet, there is kindness there too, all the more appreciated because it is often so unexpected. In the middle of a museum as we prepared to head back into the city, a security guard noticed us and with a smile, asked if there was anything he could do to help - anyway that he could make our visit to his city more enjoyable. What a breath of fresh air his kind concern was.
And speaking of fresh air, there isn't much of it in the downtown areas of the city. The air seems to have a dunk and desperate scent almost impossible to describe. Going down into the subway, leaving the sun and light, I felt the edges of the darkness grab on to my coat and the despair clawed at my skin and hair. I didn't want to go down there. And yet, there in the depths of the city, we found an ancient Japanese man playing music on an equally ancient Japanese instrument. His song was so beautiful that it brought tears to my eyes. I have never heard music like that, and doubt that I ever will again. New York once again showed her dual personality to me.
The city is dirty and crowded, a place that I couldn't imagine spending more than one night. And yet, Uptown, by Central Park, the walkways are spacious, clear and pristine. The Park itself is a haven in the heart of the city. Looking at the golden tulip tress there, I could almost understand where JRR Tolkien could have gotten his inspiration for the forests of Lorien, it was that magical. I loved Central Park in the fall, it was simply breathtaking. I would like to see it in the other seasons as well.
The city is full of fashionistas and fashion victims, the hopeful and the homeless, the talented and the repressed. Any writer experiencing a block should go to the city because one is sure to experience the breath of humanity and human emotions there.

Recent Reads

2009-10-27T17:51:00.000-07:00

My russian fascination continues - this time with a thrilling story about a thief, a deserter and some eggs. It's a gripping tale that will make you laugh, cry and see the true nature of war. I loved it from start to finish.

This one was a book club selection. I was hesitant at first, and though it isn't heavy lifting, it was definitely enjoyable and well worth the read. It's quick, probably only took me a day or two. I loved the interaction among the family members and the relationships in the book provided colorful fodder for discussion.

Another book club selection. I had never read Agatha Christie before, which seems strange even to me. This one was a real treat for Halloween, even if it was a little predictable toward the end. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Anne Rice is still the master storyteller. I read this one years ago during my vampire fascination and it was - by far- my favorite Anne Rice book. I loved it so much that I choose to revisit it for Halloween. I have always wanted to visit Egypt and have forever been fascinated with the Pharoahs so this one is just pure fun from start to finish.

For all my Sci-fi/fantasy fans out there - if you haven't read Sara Douglass you need to. She is a rarity in the genre - a truly original voice. Check her out, she is very prolific and all the books are good.

You can see that I have been reading for fun lately. You will also see more YA books going on my Have read list because I am now doing a discussion group with my daughters fifth grade class - (it's Amazing!!) Up next? Elsewhere, Tell Me Where It Hurts, The Murder of King Tut and more.....

Sometimes You Just Have to Show Up

2009-10-19T19:28:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I mentioned this here yet, but I am the class mom for my 5th graders class again this year. I know, just call me "sucker". Still, I love being invovled with the school and most importantly the children. Even as they grow into preteens, they still like knowing that someone cares enough to show up.

So last week, I sent home a flyer asking for donations to make our Halloween party for the children special. I'm not asking for goodie bags or huge donations - simply some juice pouches, cookies, cupcakes, the usual for a class party. Obviously the party is next Friday and while the flyers have been out for over a week now, and the deadline for turning them in is rapidly approaching, I still only have three that have been returned. Three parents out of twenty have stepped forward to volunteer just a little of themselves to make their child's day a little better. Sort of sad, isn't it? I mean, I am certainly grateful for those three, but where the hell are the seventeen other parents? Does it really take such a huge time committment out of your day that you can't fill and return a form? Are people really so apathetic that they are simply satisfied to sit by and let others do all the heavy lifting? What message does this send to our children?

I feel so blessed that every Friday I get to spend an hour of my day with these amazing children. I know that not everyone has the same opportunities that I do. I know that people have to work and often can't be there even though they would like to be. But really, 20 napkins is too much to ask?

I wish these parents could see the faces of their children when I walk into that room every Friday. I wish they could see the way their faces light up, or the ways the girls will just come by and give me a hug. It's magic. All these children want is someone to show up, and let them know they care and that can happen in so many ways - volunteering, spending time with them doing their homework, donating items to the classroom and simply making time for them. They do still need that in their lives and the depth of their response to those that they know really care about them - breathtaking. I know I'm lucky, I just wish that a few more people would take just a few minutes to show up.

Surely Not My Daughter

2009-10-07T19:32:00.000-07:00

It reminds me of that 60's song..."She looks like an angel, walks like an angel, talks like an angel.... but I got wise.... She's the devil in disguise." Ok, so maybe not the devil per se but my little angel came home with some very unexpected news from First Grade.

As she sits herself down to the kitchen table for her afternoon snack today, she nonchalantly tells me that she needs to buy Mrs. Jeffrey some new crayons. Come again?? "Any why, pray tell, would you need to do that?" I calmly asked. "Oh, because I snapped some crayons in half today." HUH??? My sweet little angel that likes to wear twirly dresses and dance went on some sort of bender and snapped a bunch of crayons in half? What the heck is going on??

I asked, "Did you break the crayons by accident, pressing too hard while coloring".."Not exactly...." "Well, how exactly did you break them, or better yet, why??" "Ethan M. told me to." I don't think that anything could have made my blood boil more than the preceeding statement. After all, my daughter is desended from a long line of Irish bare-knuckled fist fighters. Snapping the crayons because someone had the audacity to tell her that her coloring sucked is something that I could at least understand if not condone, but this... Oh this was totally unacceptable.

"What if Ethan M. told you to cut off your hair with scissors, would you do that?"
"Mom, don't be silly...." Well how is one thing silly and the other isn't, I ask you???
So, the end result is that my little princess will have to give up three weeks worth of ice cream money to pay for the new crayons, in addition to a hand written apology that she will deliver tomorrow while also giving a heartfelt in person apology. I told her that this was unacceptable, and I explained why. After all, my husband and I work hard to teach our children right from wrong and the Ethan M's of the world aren't going to stand in our way!

On a serious note, Ethan M. can hardly be held responsible because, while he may have planted the seed, it was my tiny little dancer that did the crayon snapping.

Dear Dad

2009-09-29T03:58:00.000-07:00

Dear Dad,

Today is my birthday and it certainly isn't the same without you. I miss my first thing in the morning phone call and your off key voice singing happy birthday. I wonder who will be the first to call this year.

It's been over a month that you have been gone and I miss you everyday. You used to tell me that a girl's dad was the only man that she can trust, and I miss having you to rely on. I guess I never realized just how much I did. When I called you everyday, I used to tell myself that was for you but in reality, now I know that it was as much for myself as it was for you. I love and miss you so much.

I know that you are in a better place now - a world where Cancer can never touch you, and for that, I am so grateful. I look forward to the day that I will see you again. Did I tell you that I started a Relay for Life team here in New London? I'm sick of the people that I love having Cancer. First it took Grandma, then Pop-pop, then Uncle John and now you... It's just too much. And now, the doctor's have found a "suspicious growth" on Bill's kidney. Just in the same area where we first discovered your Cancer. Too many good people have died and I have decided to do something about it. I know that would make you proud, you were always so proactive and did so much to help others.

I was thinking about the time that I was in the hospital when I was a little girl the other day. Remember the twin boys with the webbed hands? I remember that their parents never came to visit them, but you bought them both a baseball mitt to wear when their operation was over. It's funny the things that I had buried in my subconscious somewhere but now I remember and see so clearly.

I am so thankful for all the years we had together. I wish I would have told you that I loved you more, but I hope you always knew. You are, and will forever be, my hero. I wish you were here with me today..... I love you Dad.

It's Three More Feet - You've Got to be Kidding Me!

2009-09-19T13:37:00.000-07:00

I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for the past two days. I'm having some girlfriends over tonight ( so excited!) and I wanted the house to look beautiful. I love it when it's really clean, but sometimes it just seems like it's impossible to maintain.

I have two little girls ages 10 and 6 and a husband. Everyone in my family, myself included sometimes, seems to have it "stays where it lays" mentality. Shoes on the floor, backpacks and jackets, socks... just stuff everywhere. So, I have promised to make more of an effort to maintain our beautiful home and I am hoping that my whole family will support me in this endevour. I am sure it will be an effort to retrain everyone though. I guess maybe I just have to make it more of a priority and sort of "get on" people when they don't do the things that they should. Still, being a harpy gets old and just once, it would be really nice if people in my family did the right thing without asking.

I asked my husband to take up a pile of his laundry and put it away. A few minutes later, I climbed the stairs, heavy carpet cleaner in my hand only to open my bedroom door and literally find his stuff thrown on the floor where he left it. Really? You couldn't take two extra steps to get it to the bed? Or better yet just friggin put it away like I asked? Is that really so hard???? So here I am venting about it. I did mention it to him - I even ut the stuff on his bed so that he would have to clean it off before he gets in. Probably I will find it on the again later today. Grrrr...... Sometimes it gets old being the Harpy and older still when it's necessary.

I'm in Love.... with Rhett Butler

2009-09-08T15:04:00.000-07:00

I just finished rereading Gone with the Wind and can I just say that I love Rhett? My Dad always called me Scarlett, a comparison that I often found unattractive, but now that I am older I think I understand. Scarlett is the one who kept her family together, she worked hard to save Tara - she sacrificed everything including her own happiness. Sometimes she was selfish and heartless but in the end, she always did what she believed was right.
The final scene between Scarlett and Rhett is just heart rending...."Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." You know deep down that Rhett still loves Scarlett, that he will always love Scarlett. I guess he just couldn't handle the pain of thinking she didn't love him anymore. Do you think that in any potential relationship that there is always a "deal breaker"? That one thing that makes you walk away when you would rather not? I always wondered what happened after that. Knowing Scarlett, I am sure that she got her man in the end, at least I hope so.

I have been reading like crazy lately and I realized that I hadn't updated my blog. So here is a brief review:
The White Queen by Phillipa Gregory. This is the story of Elizabeth Woodville - queen to Edward the 4th and mother to the infamous "Princes in the Tower". I have to say that while I have found Gregory's other historical fictions dubious on occassion - I loved this one. Gregory's portrayal of Edward was so heartfelt and absolutely believeable. I think she nailed it. Best of all, she doesn't follow the cast of usual suspects in the case of her missing boys but entertains all possibilities. I am looking forward to the next installment.

The History of Love - by Nicole Krauss. This has to be one of the most original stories that I have ever read. It was captivating and comes at the reader from so many different angles and perspectives. I enjoyed it thoroughly, and was captivated by how different it was.

The Lace Reader by Brunonia Barry. I loved the historical references of people and places in this one. It is set in Ipswich/ Salem so that was very interesting. At times I felt lost and confused by the writers style, but still found the story to be enjoyable.

The Weight of Silence by Heather Gudenkauf. This story was riveting. It is about a little girl - who can not speak and her best friend - both of whom disappear. THere are so many different themes in this book - the repurcussions of our actions, destiny and true love, karma, what defines who we are, and more. It was a quick read with much fodder for thought.

Up next: Elsewhere, Tell Me Where it Hurts and I am still working on The Brothers Karamozov.

Been There, Done That, Got the T-shirt.... A Rant of Sorts

2009-09-01T20:58:00.000-07:00

So most of you know that I love my husband. I adore him really. He is my soulmate and my twin flame. But sometimes, just sometimes, all the pistons aren't firing. You know how it is when you get comfortable in life? Maybe things aren't how you would *really* want them to be, but hey, they're close enough and you are satisfied? Well, sometimes that it is the way I feel. Both my husband and I feel satisfied with parts of our lives and well, somewhat less than satisfied in others. Herein lies the problem though - they aren't the same things.

My husband hates his job. He busts his ass everyday to provide for me and our children. I see it, I appreciate it. As a result, he is often tired when he gets home and most nights we wind up sitting in front of the tv ( which is alright) and then going to bed - usually with me wide awake and he sound asleep within minutes. At times it gets to be frustrating.

I am almost 39 years old and yet I feel like I am living the life of a much older woman. At times I don't feel appreciated as a woman. A mother? Yes. A friend? You bet. Hell, even a housekeeper and occasional laundress? Well, good enough. But as a woman? Not quite. Not really.

I was out this morning with friends. We went to get coffee. I put my makeup on, did my hair all nice and straight, the way my husband usually likes it ( when he notices). I could feel the appreciative stares of other men. It makes me feel good that they notice the effort that I took with my appearance. I'm not the girl I was when I was 18, or even 25. I get it. But I do try. I do brush my hair every day, try to make it look pretty, do my makeup, wear nice clothes that flatter my shape.... But to be honest, I can't remember the last time my husband looked at me with that gleam of appreciation in his eye, or told me that I looked beautiful. Sometimes I feel guilty for enjoying the looks and smiles of other men, even though it would never, ever in a million years go anywhere beyond that.

You know, they say that vanilla is the finest of the flavors - but it isn't always. Sometimes mint chocolate chip, cookie dough, and even strawberry are also nice. Ok, so that is me speaking in code but the fact is, after 13 years together, our sex life is a little bland. He knows what I like, I know what he likes, and sometimes it feels as if there is nothing new to try or experience in that aspect of our lives together. It feels routine. Ugh. Isn't that a terrible word? In my minds eye, I am a wanton sex goddess, but in my husband's eyes? I'm a almost 40 year old housewife.

Seriously, anyone reading this... all thoughts are appreciated on what you do to keep your love life fresh and interesting. I'm getting depesperate.

Life Goes On...

2009-08-29T06:40:00.000-07:00

In the wake of traumatic events, it is so true that life goes on. It does because it must. My father has passed, but I am still here, my children, and my husband are still here, and I continue with the mundune and not so mundane activities that compromise our lives.

I realize that my children are looking to me, watching to see how I handle this tragedy in our lives. If I am ok, then they are ok. If I loose my balance or wallow in sadness, then they too are lost. Here are some things that I know: death is a part of life. Everyone dies sometime, and I for one would not want to live forever. I believe that there is another place - I hope a better place. I believe that some existence continues, just in another form that I can't currently understand. I want my children to see death - whether it be a beloved grandparent or a childhood pet - as part of life, natural and while not to be sought, also not to be feared.

And so... life goes on. The children had their orientations at school the other day, and they are both eagerly preparing for next week when they will join their friends for the first day of school. It was wonderful to meet the teachers, both of whom I liked very much. I am happy to be able to volunteer in the children's classrooms, I look forward to that every year.

It was funny, while we were there 3 of my oldest daughters previous teachers and the principal all commented on how well she did on the Connecticut State Mastery Test, otherwise known as CMT. Last year, in spite of "the Incident", my oldest daughter managed to score across the board in the 97th percentile. We are very proud of her. Needless to say, this year I am looking forward to getting her results and seeing her progress. Her new teacher says that he is going to be very busy making sure she doesn't get bored. Did I mention that I really like that man? My Dad would have been so proud to hear how well that Sporty is doing in school, and he would have loved how excited my little Posh is to start her first day of First Grade!

I am getting back to the everyday things - doctors appointments, dog walks, girlfriends, occassionally hating the Navy(not really...), and taking care of the house. Life truly does go on. I realize that I have to make the most of my life, the way my father did. We all have to make every day count, because none of us know how many days we have. Sometimes I really do think that it is the small, every day activities that really comprise our lives and make a differenct in the lives of others. That's the best way that I can honor my dad, by being a good mother, a good daughter and a good friend. I hope that I can live up to that.

The Worst is Over?

2009-08-15T06:24:00.000-07:00

My father was laid to rest yesterday. The ceremony was touching and beautiful - a real tribut to the man he was and the life that he lived. I was amazed - and yet not really so- at the number of people that came out to pay tribute and remember a great man.
Yesterday I had to read my father's eulogy - a conglomeration of words that could never possibly begin to describe who he was and what he meant to me. I did my best and most importantly, I kept my promise and I didn't cry. I held it together, at least while I was talking.
My dad's cousin, Johnnie Leckie was there, in traditional dress with his bagpipes ready. Their sweet and sad strains pierced right through my heart. I wasn't prepared for that. It was comforting to commemorate my father's life at the Church where I had so many times attended with my father as a child. I sat in stunned silence while my cousin, Tim, read the beautiful readings that he selected. ( Even though he doesn't usually "read" at his Church- that's an inside joke) I was amazed that a man who appeared as cold as Father Murphy usually does, could pull together a homily that talked about how my father inspired so many and like an eagle, only wanted to soar to God. My father would have liked that.
Finally, when the mass was over, it was my turn to speak. I felt my knees shake, I had to walk by my father's casket - which was so difficult - and then it seemed like an eternity all the way up to the pulpit. Thankfully I had printed out my eulogy, otherwise I never would have remembered everything I wanted to say let alone formulate a coherent sentence without a reference.
I don't remember the eulogy now, I only remember reaching out to touch my father's casket as I returned to my seat. It was the first time that I had done so. His pallbearers were comprised of friends and family who solemnly and with care completed their duty. I watched my father's casket go into the hearse and then, we were off to the cemetery.
My husband and I had fought all week to make sure that my father recieved full military honors. We finally got word on Thursday afternoon that the Air Force was coming from Andrews Air Force base to do the honors. When we pulled up, they were there waiting for my father. They gently lifted him out of the hearse and the honor guard carefully carried him into the chapel for the final words to be said over his body before being laid to rest. I watched them fold and snap the flag, making each crease crisp with pride. My father would have liked that.
When they were done folding, the captain of the honor guard held the folded flag until the Priest was done. Then came the moment that I both longed for and dreaded - the presentation of the Flag. I wanted the flag with all my heart - I already have plans to mount it along with my father's medals from his time in the service and his picture, but at the same time, I would much rather have my father than this flag to remember him by.
The sergeant handed me the flag and said some kind words about the President, the United States Air Force and a grateful nation. He placed the flag in my arms and I felt it's weight for the first time. He stepped back and gave my father his final salute. I will never forget that.
The airmen also coordinated a fly over. I didn't get to see the planes, but I could hear them - I remember saying to my husband, "They're coming." I saw the reflection in the memorial wall. It was an amazing and beautiful tribute for a man who had done so much and served his country so loyally.
They say the worst is over. I've eulogized my dad, and he's been laid to rest. Yet today, I feel the enormity of his absence more than ever. Today when I got home to Connecticut after the long drive, I only had one call to make. I will never share my good news ( in quite the same way) ever again. I wouldn't say that the worst is over. I would say that I will miss my father every day for the rest of my life, and that is just beginning.

In Memorial

2009-08-09T07:59:00.000-07:00

When my father was 18, in training for the Army Aircorps, he was told that as a pilot, he wouldn't live to see 21. We always used to laugh together when I said that it was a good thing he had a contingency plan. My father lead a full and amazing life, and most importantly, he lived it on his own terms - always, but that doesn't surprise anyone who knew him.
My Dad was born on a cold day in December in 1923 to Leona and James Beadling. His Grandmother claimed that he was the ugliest baby she had ever seen. My dad used to laugh and say, "You know it had to be bad if even your Grandmother said you were ugly. Grandmother's think all babies are beautiful." During the height of the depression, my father went to live with his Grandparents, his Aunt Stella and his Uncle Roy. He loved them very much and they raised him as their own son. They taught him the qualities that I believe most characterize his life: determination, loyalty and patriotism.
Most of my father's favorite memories about his childhood revolved around his favorite sport - football. My father was the Captain and quarterback of his highschool team. Long before that though, he tells stories about always wanting to play with the older boys, challenging himself to play harder and better. Those boys used to tell him that he couldn't play, he was too small and he would get hurt, to which he would indignantly respond, " I won't get hurt! Let me play!" When he was in the 8th grade, he wanted to go to football training camp with the older highschool players. He asked the coach and was told that he could attend but that he couldn't stay with the other players. He got permission from his Grandparents to camp out - on his own for the week of training. He cooked his own food over a camp fire and stayed by himself in a tent every night for a week just so he could attend that football camp. He was always very proud of that. He earned the respect of everyone there, including a local business owner who came out and cooked him eggs for breakfast on the last day of practice.
On December 7th, 1941, my father was at a friend's house playing cards after Church when President Roosevelt came on the radio and announced the attack on Pearl Habor. The next day, my father went into the city with his friends to join the Marines. Because he was only 17, he needed one of his parents to sign a consent form. His mother refused to sign.
My father asked if he joined the Army Aircorps whether she would give her permission , and realizing that his birthday was just weeks away, my Grandmother reluctantly relented. My father walked into the city to take the required entrance exam for the Aircorps. Of over 100 boys there that day, only 30 passed the physical and went on to take the written test. My father told me that it was a grueling ordeal but he resolved to do his best and answer each and every question. At the end of the day, the recruiter administrating the assessment, called out three names, one of which was my father's. My dad said that he looked at the other two boys there and in his heart he feared he was about to hear some sad story about how they didn't make it, but since he walked all the way there he resolved to stay and hear what the recruiter had to say. Those three boys were the only three to pass the entire evaluation that day, and so my father proudly entered into the Army Aircorps.
He fought in two wars - both World War II and Korea. He served as instructor pilot in P40s and P51s during World War II and then bravely returned to battle during the Korean War as Squadron Commander of over 50 extremely dangerous night missions in F84s and F86s in suppport of the Marines on the ground. After Korea, my father told me that he knew that hell was not full of flames they way most of the stories say, but that the worst levels of hell were cold, like the Chosin Resevoir. My father never forgot the Marines, his comrades in arms, or the lessons that they taught him. One of his favorite phrases was "Proper planning prevents piss poor performance" - a remnant of his time in the military.
My father loved the military and he deeply loved the country that he served, but most of you know that he didn't really have the personality for taking orders - so he went into the Reserves to continue fly fighters and serve his country, while at the same time going to work in the Airline industry.
While in the Guard, my father flew the F102. He loved to fly jets - especially with his friends George and Joe. They spent their time together at Mach one with their hair on fire, which is the way they liked it. The three of them were always together. One night my Dad was late coming home from the Guard. My mother got a call from his friend Joe - long after she had gone to bed - saying that my Dad had an accident, "He ran into me!" Joe quipped, and that's just how the three of them were.
During this time my father also worked for Allegheny Airlines - then US Airways - and did so until the age 60 - mandatory retirement. He enjoyed his time working there and also serving as a Union representative for the Airline Pilots Association. He made many, wonderful, lifelong friends, some of whom are here with us today. After his retirement, my father continued working for US Airways as a trainer in their simulator, assisting other pilots in becoming the best that they could be, encouraging them to constantly improve and hone thier skills in an airplane.

My father was probably the most loyal person that I have ever met. He always used to tell me that "friend" was one of the most overused words in the english language. In his opinion, if someone was your friend - really your friend- then they could call you in the middle of the night and expect to have you help them, in any way that was required. My father was that kind of friend, as many here can attest.

He was a very passionate person- he loved deeply, held grudges, felt things intensely - you just had to get him into a political discussion to know these things about him. He was an idealist who believed that a man's word and his honor were everything. My father was a man of integrity - he did what he said and said what he did. He was a man of deep and abiding faith and he lived that faith every day. He lived his life on his own terms and that is really all any of us can ask. I know I speak for my sisters when I say - he is our father, he will forever be our hero.

He's Waiting

2009-08-07T05:14:00.000-07:00

Two days ago my father was admitted into the hospital. He's battle with Cancer has taken a serious turn, and he has developed deep tissue thrombosis, which is often the result of chemotherapy and inactivity - in other words, he has a rather large blood clot in his leg. The doctor sent him to the hospital and while he was there, he had another attack of extreme pain, in addition to a bloody bowel movement.

The doctors don't know where the blood is coming from, they are trying to find out. My mother always says that medicine isn't a science and she is so right about that. It always seems like doctors are scurrying around trying to rule out what could be wrong with us to finally discover what "is". With competing doctors - i.e. a surgeon, a cardiologist, a cancer doctor and a GI specialist - also comes differing perspectives on prognosis. One doctor yesterday told my family that my father's death was imminent - hours or days at best - the rest disagreed. I've come to the conclusion that none of them really know.

Here is what I know: my father is getting tired. There is only so much that an 86 year old body can handle. He's in pain, and he's feeling stretched and thin. In short, I beleive that he knows the end of his life is near and that he is ready for what comes next.

I know who is waiting for my father. I've seen him once in a dream, as I was on the cusp of marrying my husband and becoming a mother for the first time. He was waiting for me in much the same type of place that he is waiting for my father now - it looked like a hospital. He was young, though not as young as he should have been - and so very handsome. He always had such kind eyes, or so I have been told. He smiled when I saw him and seemed surprised that I didn't know him. My heart recognized him though, it was my brother, Jamie, the one who died when he was three, long before it was ever possible that we could meet. He smiled and told me that my life was going in the right direction. I felt such peace after that. I wanted to tell my father that I know my brother is waiting for him too. It's been such a long time, and for all these years my father has carried a terrible burden of guilt. It's time to lay that down, along with the pain and the cancer, and go to the next place.

I guess that is what faith is all about - the blind leap - moving from this plane of existence to the next without really knowing for sure what you will find when you get there. I know that my father's faith will carrying him to a much better place... one where there is no pain, and no more cancer.

Reading Frenzy.

2009-07-29T05:29:00.000-07:00

While I was at my Dad's, I didn't have much to do other than cook for him and take him to his various doctor's appointments. He actually sleeps quite a bit, and without the children there, I actually got some really good reading time in. Here's a run down of what I have been up to lately:

I was so excited about this one! I love the time period of the Salem Witch Trials and the idea of a book about a progressive woman during those times was so appealing. The storyline had so much potential, but I found the story itself to be sadly disappointing. The plot twists were predictable and the shifting between time periods was choppy. I hate being disappointed.

Happily my next selection was a real joy to read. This book was very original in that it is told entirely in the context of letters written among the various characters. The heroine was real, funny, and thoroughly likable. The side story of Elizabeth is every bit as engrossing as the main story - maybe even more so. I can't recommend this one highly enough. It's amazing!

"I Am Charlotte Simmons" by Tom Wolfe. I picked this one up because I had been wanting to read something by Wolfe for awhile. It's hard to believe that I have never read "The Bonfire of the Vanities" or even seen the movie "The Right Stuff" let alone read it. Wolfe's style as the silent observer is appealing - he misses nothing, not even the inner turmoils that the individuals try so hard to hide. "I Am Charlotte Simmons" is a unique and somewhat desperate view into college life in the 2000s. . I found it to be sadly truthful and eye opening.

Picoult does it again. Finding Faith is the story of a little girl, Faith, who after a traumatic incident in her life, starts having conversations and seeing an invisible friend who those around her later come to believe is God. Picoult always finds the most controversial and thought provoking topics to write about and this is one of her best.

Beautifully written and heart- breakingly honest and tragic, this is one book that I will never forget. I was wrapped up in his life before I was hit by the horror of it all. I think it is very heroic of Goolrick to share his story in the hopes that others may be saved.

This one was a real guilty pleasure. I loved every minute of it! If you like historical fiction, do yourself a favor and pick this one up - today!

This is a very different book - a mystery that I never saw coming. It certainly wasn't predictable. It was like Big Love - but in a book. If you enjoy the HBO series, this is a great book. I loved the incorporation of real historical figures and events in telling this story. I learned so much about the Mormon faith, the differences between Mormons and "Firsts" and the history of celestial marriage. Well worth the read.

I just finished re-reading Gone with the Wind. I have to say that through it all, I coudln't believe how foolish Scarlett was. I find myself helplessly in love with Rhett who was strong and vulnerable, sure yet desperate. If you have never read Gone with the Wind - Margaret Mitchell's story is simply.... breathtaking.

Up Next? Crime and Punishment,Elsewhere and more....

It's Been a While

2009-07-03T15:24:00.000-07:00

Well, I am here at my mom's and computer access is sporadic at best. As some of you know, I have been here helping taking care of my Dad who is dealing with his second round of Cancer. It hasn't been easy.
Dad and I went to see his oncologist on Wednesday. He was supposed to have his second chemo treatment then, but the doctor withheld it. Dad's white blood cells were only 25% of normal, not nearly enough to endure another bout. It seems like chemotherapy is a lot like fighting heartworm in a dog - you poison the dog to kill the smaller organism, hoping you kill the worm before you kill the dog. Looking at my Dad on some days, I really wonder who is winning the fight.
I spend a quarter of my time with my mom and the girls. It's refreshing to get away for a few days but, at the same time, I also feel guilty. After all, when does my Dad ever escape the fight?
I don't know what to wish for. Of course, I would love to have a magic wand that I could wave and cure cancer for every single person on the planet, unfortunately, I don't. I sometimes wonder if it's selfish to hope that the chemo prolongs my Dad's battle, when I see him in so much pain. Other days, he looks like his old self and you wouldn't even know he is sick. I guess I just have to roll with the punches, just like he does.
I do miss home....

Playlist

2009-05-31T06:19:00.000-07:00

What's the playlist of your life? I guess my playlist starts when I was about 13. I have always loved music, but that is when I remember my own taste really emerging and relating to songs based on their words and meaning. All the songs here represent some part of my life and I usually relate more to the meanings rather than just the sound alone....

Only the Good Die Young by Billy Joel
Vacation by the Go-gos Dedicated to Stevie, my forever Summer Sister
Sweet Little Sister by Skid Row
Jailbreak by Thin Lizzy

Fallen Angel by Poison
Rock You Like a Hurricane by the Scorpions
Midnight Blue by Lou Gramm
Angel by Aerosmith
I Remember You by Skid Row
The Old Apartment by the Bare Naked Ladies

Seeing Things by the Black Crowes
What it Takes by Aerosmith
Sometimes She Cries by Warrant
Born to Run by Bruce Springsteen
Love Song by Tesla
Say Goodbye by Dave Matthews Band

Like A Bridge Over Troubled Water by Simon and Garfunkel
Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover by Sophie B. Hawkins
I Don't Wanna Come Down by Bush
Head Over Feet by Alanis Morrisette
Any Way You Want It by Foreigner
When You Say Nothing At All by Allison Krauss

Sweet Child O Mine by Guns and Roses
Scarborough Fair by Simon and Garfunkel
Brown Eyed Girl by Van Morrison

Poundcake by Van Halen
Far Away by Nickelback
The Boys are Back in Town by Thin Lizzy
Two Hearts by Chris Isaak
God Only Knows by the Beach Boys
At Last by by Joan Osbourne

These are the songs of my life. Sure, there are many more, after all, every person with any meaning in my life has a song. This list does provide an overall sampling of the best themes and thoughts that have made up my life to this point. If you really know me, you can probably see the different phases that my life has had just through the music. What is the play list of your life? What are the special songs that represent the people you love?

Reminders

2009-05-28T17:09:00.000-07:00

I always prided myself on having a wonderful memory. As I child, I could remember even minute events, in detail, for days or longer after they happened. I seldom forgot a name or an important date. As I have aged though, that has changed a little. I guess my memory isn't what it used to be because there are very simple lessons in life - lessons that we have all been taught - that I occassionally need reminders about.

I just finished reading The Alchemist. It's a simple book full of very simple ideas. The ideas are so simple that sometimes in the rush of every day life, they are often forgotten. Ideas like listening to your heart are those principles that we all should live by every day, but in the midst of living lives of quiet desperation, we get caught up in the whirl and business at hand. Sometimes my heart is screaming so loudly for my attention and I just push it's voice to the side with a firm, "not now."

The Alchemist is about bravery, hope and the rewards that wait for us all when we just listen to our heart. It's about the idea that we all have a purpose in life - a greater Purpose that God put us here on this Earth to achieve. I am opening my heart to finding my purpose. I am reminded by the story to look for the lightposts that God places along our path to light our way. I'm going to silence my life and listen for that tiny voice because I know that if I trust it, my life's purpose will be fulfilled.

So today, I'm grateful for simple stories and timely reminders.

Accountability

2009-05-27T05:57:00.001-07:00

Today, I am thankful for goals. I realized that I hadn't been upholding those that I set here at the beginning of the year, so I am taking today to rectify that.

I am still going to the gym, though at times not as regularly as I would like. THe chocolate intake has been on the increase, I suppose because of the current stress load. Still, I need to nip that in the bud or I will be back in the size 18 jeans in no time. NEVER AGAIN. Yesterday I bought size 14 shorts and I want to go smaller, not the other direction.

I think I usually do a pretty good job in telling my family how I feel about them. Lately, being on such an emotional rollercoaster has been very hard on me, but also very hard on them. Cancer doesn't just affect the person who is sick, but everyone in the family.

My relationship with my MIL is at not quite an all time low, but almost. Patience has gone out the window and I'm tired at times of making excuses for her. I have blogged about this on numerous occassions, so there is no need to further expound here. I guess what I need to do is try to remember that her condition may not excuse her behaviour, but it does sometimes explain it. It's still a hard pill to swallow no matter how you look at it.

The credit cards? I'm really trying. Sometimes it is so hard to live on the budget that I literally feel like I am choking. Then, when the money comes it is such a relief that I get the urge to go out and spend. That is what I must control and learn to temper my desires. This month, I was successful in living within my budget. I'm very proud of that.

My reading goals -
The Brothers Karamozov by dostoevsky

The Castle by Kafka

Sons and Lovers by DH Lawrence - COMPLETE see review in either April or March.

Oedipus Rex by Sophocles

The Heart is a Lonely Hunter by McCullers - in process

The French Lieutenants Woman by Fowles - COMPLETED

On the Road by Kerouac

From Here to Eternity by Jones - up next.

The Postman Always Rings Twice by Cain

Atonement by McEwan

Terrorist by Updike - COMPLETED see review posted in February.

My goal is these titles plus 82 more. So far this year I have also read: Mercy by Jodi Picoult, Good in Bed by Jennifer Weiner (thumbs down!), Autobiography of a Stray - sorry, can't remember the author, A Lion Among Men by Gregory MacGuire -LOVED IT, Cancer Ward by Solzhenitsyn - AMAZING, Child 44 By Tim Rob Smith ( I think) great book!, Salem Falls by Jodi Picoult, and Another Mother's Life by Rowan Coleman which was light fare but still worth reading.... That leaves me with 74 more to go.

I am currently working on The Alchemist, Summer Sisters, and The Poe Shadow.

An Experiment in Gratitude

2009-05-26T16:57:00.000-07:00

I have lost my way. I usually have a pretty sunny outlook on life, but lately I find myself floundering. It's difficult to even write because all my stories end the same way. In an effort to shock my system out of it's current emotional paralysis, I am going to do a gratitude experiemnt.
Usually every November I pick one thing a day that I am thankful for. I realize now that it doesn't have to be the month of Thanksgiving to have a grateful heart. I know that when I appreciate my loved ones and all the good things in my life that I am a happier person.
I usually spend my nights as I go to sleep thanking God for all the wonders that he has bestowed. Lately I haven't had much to say to Him. I am either too tired, too lost or just don't know where to start. So here is my experiment. I am starting here. For the next thirty days, I am going to blog about something that I am thankful for. Doesn't sound too hard, right? Here's the hitch though - it can't be the usual, "I'm thankful for my family, I'm thankful for my home" type of stuff. It has to be those small things that you really have to look for in life in order to be truly grateful for them.

Today I am thankful for dovelings. I don't know if that is what baby doves are called, but it is what we call them here in our house. Two years ago, a female dove was hurt nearby. She came, with her mate, to live in our flower garden. She spent the summer here resting and every day he would come with food and watched over her. She was hurt and could not fly. The spent the summer with us, much to the delight of both my children. As the weather got cooler, we wondered what would happen to them. Then, one day, she finally spread her wings and flew away. It was sad and wonderful all at the same time. Sad because we would miss our friends, but happy because, like all birds we knew that they would be happier in warmer climes than wintering here in CT.

As the harsh winter passed and spring came again, we were overjoyed to note that our friends had returned, and this time, something even more wonderful was about to happen. This time, the female had built a NEST. We knew it wouldn't be long before she became a Momma Dove and welcomed new little ones into the world. They say that it's a lucky thing to have doves - that it's a sign of happiness and contentment. Either way, I know that watching her, seeing her babies ( two years running now) and hearing her coo make me feel both happy and content.

I am thankful that she felt so safe and at ease here with us that she choose our yard and our home as a place to raise her own family. I watch for her babies with a vigilence second only to Momma Dove herself. The children know in spring that they can not play in the front flower beds and of course, our puppy is kept well in hand lest he accidentally harm one of the babies. I hope that Momma Dove and her mate will return with their children for many years to come.

Seperate Lives

2009-05-25T18:00:00.000-07:00

This weekend was a four day weekend and what a mixed bag. My husband was sick so most of the weekend was a wash. That said, I always enjoy spending time with my girls. We had a great time at the Memorial Day Parade ( their Brownie troop marched in the Parade) and today at the beach. The only downside to the beach was that all of us got a little too much sun. I need to get better about reapplying the sunscreen.

My husband was sick all weekend. Really sick, until today. He missed the Memorial Day parade - again this year - because he wasn't up to it. I actually told him he shouldn't come because he was so sick. On the one hand I was glad that he listened to some sense and rested, but on the other hand it sucked having him home and still not having him there. Today was Memorial Day and he had a "mandatory fun" event with the guys from his boat. Needless to say, since the children and I were not government issued to him with his sea bag, I don't feel compeled to attend so-called "mandatory" events. Still that just means that the children and I were off doing our thing and he was off doing his. Seperate lives - that's what it feels like sometimes.

I'm going to close my eyes, go to sleep and look forward to a better day tomorrow.

My Russian Fascination

2009-05-21T17:41:00.001-07:00

It's odd, but lately I have had a fascination - in books - with all things Russian. I have never been particularly interested in Russian literature. I guess it is because it was a topic with which I couldn't particularly relate. Then, I fell in love....
First with Ayn Rand when I read the Fountainhead about six years ago. It took me awhile, but I worked my way through Atlas Shrugged. After that, I devoured everything of hers I could find, Anthem, The Romantic Manifesto and We the Living. This last title was about the post revolution Soviet Union and I found it to be absolutely riveting.
My mom recommended Alexsandr Solzhenitsyn since I was so interested in Russia. ( I absolutely can not stomache Tolstoy....) So, I started reading Cancer Ward by Solzhenitsyn. It seemed to fit due to my Dad's recent diagnosis. Even though the subject matter was difficult, the characters were so real. I felt that I knew each one of them. Even those that had committed the most heinous acts - like informing on their neighbors after the fall of the czar - were characters that I could relate to in some way. I am excited to have added the Gulag Archipeligo to my to be read list.
I had no idea that Solzhenitsyn was actually a war hero who served 8 years in a Russian Gulag for writing a letter to a friend that had the audacity to quesiton the decisions that Stalin was making. Solzhenitsyn loved his country, but he didn't like what was happening.
Maybe that is why my Russian fascination is so timely. Maybe that is why after all these years I can finally relate. I see all these things going on in my own country that I dont' really approve of or agree with. Perhaps that is what makes these characters and the struggles they face so real for me.
I am currently reading Child 44, and though the author is not- to my knowledge - Russian, the subject matter is post revolution Russia. It is a fascinating story of a man who works for the military arm of the KGB and his struggle to do the right thing in the face of almost insurmountable personal turmoil. The author just released a new book - The Silent Speech - which has just been added to my endless to be read list.

Life Lessons from a 5 Year Old

2009-05-19T12:25:00.000-07:00

The best thing about a blog is that the author has the ability to vent about their lives, predominantly to people who really don't know them. As I have gone through my entries here, I realize that I have been doing a lot of venting. Most likely I have been doing a lot of venting to my friends in real life as well and honestly, most of it is completely unwarranted. Aside from my father's illness, I truly lead a charmed life. I have a husband who loves me and who I adore. We have two beautiful children together and 13 years of happy memories that we have built our family on. We have a beautiful home. I don't really have a lot of negative things to deal with in my life and yet, sometimes I feel engulfed by it. Then I realized that sometimes ,instead of letting my light shine outward, I open the windows and let the darkness creep in. Instead of thanking God for all the blessings that he has heaped upon my life - none of which I deserve - I curse the light and question Him on the difficulties I do face.
I'm tired of the dark and I don't want to let the negativity into my life anymore. I want to be the one who would rather dance in the rain than drown in my own sunshine, and I want to surround myself with others who feel the same.
Today, I was lucky enough to volunteer in Posh's classroom. Let me tell you, we underestimate our children. They do their best - every day. They love and support their friends - always, and they always remember what is important. On those days where they don't do their best or get angry with a friend, they don't let it get them down. The don't wallow in their own self doubt or pity. They simply get up, dust themselves off and try again. Even when you're five, life is too short for negativity. Yes, we could all learn a lot from our children. My five year old loves truly, deeply, and sincerely - in spite of all my flaws, in spite of everything. It's both humbling and refreshing.
I want to love like that. I want those kinds of friendships. I want that effervescence in my life. And my best realization lately? I *can* have all those things because it all begins with me.

Straighten Up and Fly Right

2009-05-16T05:43:00.000-07:00

My husband's mother is a complete failure when it comes to being a grandmother - at least to my children. There. I've said it. That's the truth of the matter, there is just no way to sugar coat that, is there?

A couple of weeks ago, my oldest daughter celebrated her 10th birthday. Double digits, it's definitely a milestone in her life. My MIL called me and asked if I could pick up a gift for Kaylee. No problem. I know that money is an issue for her, so I gladly said that I would. My MIL didn't have a phone on Kaylee's birthday ( though she did have one the very next day...) so no phone call is excusable - sort of. But no card? You're kidding me right? She couldn't pick up a card, after all, she sent my husband a totally meaningless one just a week before. It's infuriating because this isn't an isolated incident.

The fact of the matter is that my children have not talked to their grandmother since Christmas. Not because we haven't tried. She is essentially a stranger in their lives. When she DOES talk to them, the conversation revolves around a duck that lives in her yard and my nephew, who is basically the center of her universe.

It's disgusting and unacceptable. I finally called her on her abominable behavior. I'm tired of people - my husband most of all- making excuses for the unexcusable. She sucks as a grandmother. I told her that at the minimum a card would have been nice. Her response? Well, she actually called and talked to her grandchildren. A positive step and one that I applaud. To bad that I completely lack faith for the idea that this is more than an isolated incident. My children have essentially one grandmother. Not because their grandparent is dead, but because she is simply too caught up in her own life to notice or care. I am NEVER going to be like her when I ahve grandchildren.

Mother's Day and all it brings....

2009-05-10T05:23:00.000-07:00

Today is Mother's Day. To all my friends reading this, I hope you have a wonderful day with your families, children and loved ones! Remember, in the words of Willian Makepeace Thackeray, "Mother is the name for God on the hearts and lips of little children".

My youngest made me a necklace made out of clay. It's beautiful. I can see all the work that she did forming the beads with her tiny little hands. My oldest made me a beautiful book mark - so I can better enjoy my favorite past time. I am proud of their homemade cards and gifts. I couldn't have asked for more.

My husbnad woke up this morning early and made pancakes for the children. He would have made them for me too, but pancakes with butter and syrup don't exactly work into my diet. Oh well. I'm not much of a breakfast person in any case. Even my dog was cooperating this morning with no ticks found after his morning walk. ( Yes, he does get treated, but some people around here don't take care of their yards and hence the whole tick debacle. Trust me, it is another post all by itself.)

Robbie and I went to see Star Trek yesterday and he even took me to lunch at one of my favorite places - KOTO Japanese Steakhouse - so I was very excited. I was looking forward to the event all week - possibly longer. While I enjoyed the day, it was somehow less than imagined. Probably because my husband was so far away.

His mother almost always has a negative impact in some form or another. I know he loves her very much, and he should, that's his mom. I just hate when he talks to her because the result is never a good one. Hopefully, she will be having a better day today and she will enjoy talking to her grandchildren and having them wish her a happy MOther's Day.

Emotional Overload

2009-05-06T07:21:00.000-07:00

Lately ever little thing seems to have my emotions on edge - they are just so raw. For example, yesterday, my youngest brought a book home from school for us to read together. The title was "Little Lamb" which seemed inocuous enough. Page one - "Little Lambs mother died". Seriously? It goes on to talk about how little lamb goes after all the other animals in the farmyard looking for a "mother". Finally, a little boy takes pity on little lambs sorrowful cries of "MAAAAA, MAAAAA" and agrees to be his "mother".

My five year old daughter was greatly relieved that little lamb got a new "mother". She then asked if I died, if she would get a new mother? I told her that no one gets another mother. Each of us - every person on the planet - we only have one. We may havve other individuals in our lives who are mother figures but they are not our mother. Certainly they can love us and care for us like a mother would, but no one can replace your real mother.

Skip ahead to last night. My husband and I decide to watch a movie together - something to take my mind off all the things going on in my life. He picks the movie - "Dan in Real Life". It looked like a really cute romantic comedy - until you discover that Dan is a widower and this is all about him falling in love after the death of the "love of his life, his soul mate" less than 4 years before.

Don't get me wrong, 4 years is an awfully long time to be alone, especially when a person is still young and vital. I get it. I know individuals who have been widowed. I don't understand the concept of finding another soul mate. I believe that every person only gets one. Sure you may find another person that you love, in a different way, but if you are lucky enough to find a soul mate - it only happens once. At least that is my opinion - the way that I view love.

I guess I find all this about death about replacing a loved one who has died so disturbing because of the situation that my dad is facing. He is on week 3 of his radiation now, and it has been so difficult for him. He has been so very brave and today, he admitted that he is afraid. I told him that no one lives forever, that what is important is that we live and die on our own terms, but in reality, what do I really know? I'm just a young girl next to him and I don't really know what I am talking about. I'm as afraid to die as the next person.

I don't know what the future will bring. The only things that I know that are certain in this life though? Death and taxes - neither of them very pleasant.

Video Thought for the Day.

2009-04-25T04:02:00.000-07:00

For any of you that haven't seen "The Bucket List", you definitely should. This song says it all today... Actually, I think this song says it all every day.

Disarray

2009-04-24T05:07:00.000-07:00

I hate it when I feel life spiraling out of control. But honestly, when doesn't that happen? Even though I am OCD to the extreme, even I realize that control is just an illusion. Still, it is an illusion that I cling to.
Right now everything feels unorganized, starting with the laundry that I need to put away and spiralling all the way through my life and ending with my weak attempts to make plans for the summer. Everything in my life is on hiatus right now.
So far, my husband and I think we are staying where we are, but until he actually reports to his new job, anything can happen. At first, it looked like we were getting out of this hell hole that he calls a job a little early, only to find out that we are leaving at exactly the time we were told that we were. Ugh. I just want my husband off the boat and I surely don't want him going on sea trials with it. All of that is totally out of my control though.
I don't know what is going on with my father's illness. He is now halfway through his radiation treatments, and so far so good. Still, one of his legs is swollen and I am unsure if they are going to allow him to have any further, follow on treatment. I don't know what impact further treatment will have on his health and lifespan. One of my sisters was supposed to spend the last two weeekends there, but neither happened. I'm not really sure what is going on or when they will visit as planned. Both of my sisters kind of fly by the seat of their pants and that makes me absolutely crazy!!!!!
I am trying to plan a trip over the summer to take the children to visit my mom while I go and care for my Dad. My one sister works as an airline captain actually and she is also a full time single mom, so her life is crazy. The other doesn't work but she is just going, going, going all the time. Neither one seem to really understand the constrictions put on my life by my husband's crazy job. For example, I can't just get a babysitter to help and then leave my children here with him. I don't know what is going to happen from one day to the next at his job and things only appear to be getting worse. He is so stressed out and morale there seems, from the bottom up, to be at an all time low - just one more reason I can't wait to get off the boat. ( There was a time I never thought I would say that... Strange how things change)
My youngest has her ballet recital coming up this month. That means three days a week rehearsals, dress rehearsals, picture night, etc... It's wonderful but it also adds a lot of stress during an already stressful time. I guess I just better hang on because it looks like life is going to be like living on the edge of a black hole for a while.

Coming Full Circle

2009-04-18T04:13:00.001-07:00

I am a Facebook fanatic, but this post really isn't about that. This post is about the last 10 years of my life and how coincidences happen, reunions occur, often in the most unlikely of places. Two days ago, a dear friend from my past found me on Facebook. In recent years, due to many moves and other factors, we had become little more than yearly Christmas cards to one another. Now, thanks to Facebook, we can once again be apart of one another's lives, no matter where we live. Isn't technology wonderful?

If you have an account on Facebook, you know that it often suggests other friends for you. People you may know. Yesterday I received a friend invite from a friend that I hadn't talked to in probably just under 10 years. Weird.

Today, in one hour and 36 minutes, my oldest child will be 10 years old. Here's where the unlikely coincidences come in:

Ten years ago yesterday, my husband and I went to the movies with some friends. Dan and Lisa. Like us, they were newly weds, but unlike us, not about to become parents for the first time. As we sat in the movie theatre, I was huge and uncomfortable. We saw a horrible movie - I don't even remember the name. The funniest thing I remember about that night is that I sat in between Robert ( my husband) and Dan. At some point the baby moved, which at that point meant that my ENTIRE stomach shifted. Dan was understandably more than a little freaked out by the whole event. After all, it did look more than a little like I had an alien inside of me.

Robbie and I went home that night. It was late, but even so, I couldn't get to bed. He put the finishing touches on the nursery. We were expecting the baby to arrive in four days, so we were trying to be on top of things. Finally, around 1 am, we went to bed only to be awakened 2 hours later when I thought I had pee'd the bed. I realized the wetness wasn't urine, so then I paniced and thought it was blood. It was clear - not blood. My water broke.

I called the doctor very nonchalant. My water broke, my contractions are 5 minutes apart, do you want me to wait a little longer to come in? The doctor said NO! Come in.... So we got up, got dressed, putzed around the kitchen, I even forced my husband to stop at the 7/11 for maxipads. No one tells you that you will need them and what the hell? I hadn't needed them in 9 months!

At any rate, three hours and twenty one minutes later our beautiful little girl was born. I can't believe that she is 10. Where oh where did the time go and why does it have to pass so quickly??

Slacking

2009-04-15T10:48:00.000-07:00

Lately I have really been struggling to focus on my goals. My vacation and even the time leading up to it, really have been lacking in purpose. I have been having trouble making it to the gym - even though I want to go and certainly know how important it is for me personally. I hate struggling and I hate when it feels like life is getting in the way.
This week for example, the children are home from School and that makes going to the gym almost impossible. I have to wait for my husband to get home from work, and lately that has been getting later and later. Last Thursday he wasn't home until almost 11 pm and he left at before 6 am. ( I think that the Government is definitely getting their monies worth out of the Navy...) At any rate, with those kind of hours, it is hard to find time to squeeze in the gym.
I would really love to get a Wii fit so that on the days that I can't make it to the gym I can still get a more comprehensive workout and get feedback on my performance. I am walking everyday - several times a day usually. Still, it just isn't enough.
My goal? Beginning next Sunday, really refocus on my health. Track what I eat. Go to the gym at least four times next week. I am going to get serious, make the time and STOP making excuses. Until then, I remained.... frustrated.

Beware the Thought Police!

2009-04-13T06:01:00.001-07:00

Beware the Thought Police!

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Up Pops the Devil

2009-04-07T14:33:00.000-07:00

In my last post, I mentioned my Dad's dance with the "BIG C" - Cancer. Yesterday, I received an e-mail from my sister ( almost as good as an e-mail from my sister in law, but not quite) It was succinct and deathly to the point. "Dad's Cancer has returned. I'm calling the doctor now."

That's it then. My 85 year old father's cancer has returned. The tumor is in his pelvis, going down his leg and the son of a bitch is aggressive. The doctor says that the tumor is inoperable. He also said that my father is too old for another round of chemotherapy - though this still seems up for debate. In the meantime, the chosen course of action is to radiate the tumor in an attempt to shrink it and relieve some of my Dad's pain.

Now I know why my Dad, who walked 4 miles a day up until a year ago, doesn't have the smoke to make it to his own mailbox. Now I know why he is losing weight and doesn't want to it. The Big C is eating him from the inside out.

I hate Cancer. Almost everyone that I have loved and lost in my life has had a fatal turn. My Grandmother was first. I was eight. She was 62 - way too young to die. She had bone cancer and she fought it as long as she could. She died on Easter 31 years ago. My grandfather died from the Big C a few short years later. Then, when I was 21, my uncle had it. In the face of all places.
My uncle was young and so good looking. His laugh was infectious and he was quite literally larger than life. Then the Big C took his eye and half of his face. It made my fun loving uncle a monster.

Cancer - it is my greatest fear - and it is the monster that my Dad is fighting what I fear will be the last battle of his life against. If you pray, please add him to your prayers - not for a speedy recovery because I'm too much of a realist to ask for that - but rather for an ease to his pain and for his peace of mind. If you don't pray - positive thoughts are also greatly appreciated.

Doing What I've Got to Do

2009-03-29T05:04:00.000-07:00

As I write this, I am sitting on my mom's computer somewhere in PA. It was 10 hours in the car yesterday for my two little girls, our dog and myself. It wasn't terrible because the children and Seamus were so well behaved, but it wasn't exactly what I would call a joy ride either.
We are here because my father's health, and in conjunction with that his ability to care for himself, is failing. He doesn't know that I am here predominantly to see him. It would bother him to think so. He has always said, "When you hurt a man's pride, you hurt him where he lives." That is my dad to a "T". So I told him that I am here so that the children can visit with their grandmother and suddenly, his whole attitude about my visit changes. It's wonderful that I am coming to see him now that I'm nto coming to see "him". If that makes any sense?
My father is a retired Air Force pilot and what I like to think of as the human equivalent of a Sherman tank. He is absolutely unstoppable. That is what I used to think, until 4 years ago when he was diagnosed with cancer. It was an extremely aggressive type 4 Cancer - not something to mess around with. My dad sought treatment. The doctors had to take out his kidney. Fortunately, the tumor was almost completely contained in the kidney and after a round of chemo, my dad was declared to be in remission, where he has remained ever since. We were very lucky. However the short dance with the big C brought my father's mortality - and my own - to the forefront and since then, I know we are all living on borrowed time.
I guess it was inevitable because at the end of the day, we all finally face the truth.
My father says that he wants me to help him around his yard - raking and such. I'm happy to do it, but realistically there are so many more important things to be done. The BIG reason I am here? To cook for him. He really doesn't feed himself very well and he has been losing weight. I am planning on making pot roast ( one of his faves) baked spaghetti, beef stew, cornbread, pork chops with apples, and I'm not really sure what else. I hope to do a lot of cooking while I am there. I shudder to think what may be waiting for me in his refrigerator. Wish me luck...

I Don't Think That Means What You Think It Does...

2009-03-22T05:03:00.000-07:00

I was talking to a friend the other day about a document that we had received via e-mail. We both enjoy a love of movies and share a favorite - The Princess Bride. It's a great movie if you haven't seen it, very funny and full of moral truths. At any rate, in the movie one of the characters, Vizzini, goes around saying "Inconcievable!" all the time and as the movie goes on, it becomes clear that however smart Vizzini may think that he is, he clearly has no idea what the word "inconcievable" actually means. It's good stuff.
As I was reading the above mentioned document the other day, a similiar thing happened with the words "integrity", "trust" and "responsibility". In my book integrity means the adherence to moral standards and ethical principles. "Trust" is the reliance on a person's integrity, ability, and strength of character to make the right decisions and "responsibility" is a particular burden placed upon one who is ultimately in charge or the responsible party.

Does this scenario sound like ANY of the above mentioned principles are being met? Imagine a group of married men, drinking such that they are no longer in control of themselves. Same married me go to a bar with naked women where the leader of said group buys lap dances for the other men - in spite of thier protests - whether they are married or not. Does any of this sound like responsiblity, trust or integrity as defined above were in any way invovled?

If a person has integrity, it isn't something that you have sometimes. When a person is a LEADER, this burden isn't something that they wear when it suits them - they wear it all the time. And trust? It isn't something that can be dictated - it has to be earned. None of the above mentioned behaviors do anything to earn trust. In fact, the above mentioned behaviors undermine trust - that trust that a navy wife places in her husband's commanding officers to make the right decisions, especially when lives are ont the line. It also undermines, in some cases, the trust she has in her husband thereby possibly damaging her family and, more importantly in the eyes of the Navy, affecting the ability of the sailor to do his job.

Integrity, Responsibility, and Trust - they are more than just words and those who would use these words should learn what they mean and strive to live by them.

The Truth at Last

2009-03-14T15:43:00.000-07:00

Several months ago I had a falling out with a "friend" that I had a relationship with for some years. I thought that we were close. I thought that our friendship could weather disagreements and differences of opinion. I was wrong.
For the longest time, I acted like her words and actions didn't bother me. I was so busy I allowed my work to distract me from what I was feeling which was disappointment, betrayal, and anger. I held these emotions in for months. I never really aired them to anyone, other than to her - my sister, my "friend".
It all started with a poorly worded post in a social networking site that I administered. The bruhaha and the subsequent fallout escalated and escalated until there was no room left for friendship.
How can a person possibly have any type of relationship with someone who leaves no room for any opinion but her own? How can one have any type of relationship with a woman who used fake "identities" on said social networking site to personally attack and malign them? How is it possible to turn the other cheek, look beyond the betrayal and try to understand another point of view? Well, the answer is I have forgiven, I do try to understand her bitterness and anger, but there is simply no room for any type of friendship left. Sad, isn't it?
This was a woman that I spent several hours with on the phone every week. This was a woman who, if she called me in the middle of the night for help, she could expect to get it. This was a woman I respected and trusted and now, this is a woman that I have no contact with whatsoever.
The things that she said about me were not only hurtful, they were LIES. Flat out lies. After everything that is the one thing that I just couldn't get beyond.
It still makes me sad, the loss of this friend. I think about her and wonder how she is, but deep down, I realize that no relationship can exist without trust and frankly, after everything, I could never trust her again.

This brings me to my current situation. I left said social networking site, in no small part due to the poison and the lies. I joined another site - Facebook - and I love it there. For the most part, I am friends with people that I genuinely care about - people who I want to keep track of and be a part of their lives. There is one individual there though whose friendship I accepted and now I regret. She was party to the events described above and though she did not actively participate in the lying and maligning of my character, she appeared to be cheering on the sidelines during the worst of it.

I want a fresh start. I do care about this second woman, but I'm unsure whether I am capable of offering her true friendship based on all the hurt and betrayal that I still feel. Any words of advice?

The Waiting is the Hardest Part....

2009-03-13T06:20:00.000-07:00

Here we are on the cusp of yet another monumental decision and potential change for our family. We are on the verge of yet another move. You would think after 10 years that some things would become old hat, but each time a decision needs to be made, they all seem more important than the last. This time there could certainly be lasting implications for the whole family - this time we are facing a move that could mean not just leaving our home, but also our country... at least for a little while.
The move could potentially take the Schultz family over the pond - to somewhere that I have always wanted to go - LONDON! It certainly would be a big change, but when I think of the cultural exposure for the children it just sends shivers down my spine. London could be used as a launching pad for us to see, ideally all those things in Europe that we would wish to. I mean, we could go to Paris, Berlin, Greece! Need I say more? Plus, the fact that I am a HUGE history buff doesn't hurt the longing to go there either.
So what you ask is the problem? Well, we are an American family. I have always raised my children to be proud to be American. The sad fact is that there are many people throughout the world who simply do not like us. I worry for some of the things that my children will be "taught" about their country. I will miss seeing the most beautiful flag in the world just driving down the street. And that is just for starters...
I have never lived more than a couple of hours by car from my mother. This time we would have an entire ocean seperating us! My father is 85 years old and his health is now in a rapid decline. I worry that saying goodbye could be for the last time. I worry that something could happen and I wouldn't be able to get back. That is a very real concern for me. Then there is my husband's family - his mother is in dire straights. Moving over to London would make his assistance with her more problematic, not that it is ever really good simply because of his job and schedule, but being an ocean away certainly wouldn't help.
His sister is full up - I don't know how she bears up with all the stress she has on her plate. I don't know how much more she can handle and frankly, I'm not sure that it's really fair to her that she has to. ( Although this point can certainly be debated)
It's exciting this potential move.... and scary. I don't know what the future will bring. I just know that whatever comes, the five of us will face it - together.