The "X" factor

And no, I'm not talking about the show, I'm talking about the level of excitement in my life and in my relatioships.
My family and I went to dinner the other night with our neighbors. We had a wonderful time, my neighbors are a lot of fun and have many wonderful stories to tell. However, as we sat there laughing and talking, I began to realize that I was primarily listening to the stories of others. Don't get me wrong, I am usually a listener, but I realized that on that particular evening I was predominantly listening because I didn't have much to say.
The next day, as my husband and I were talking about our evening, I was commenting on how much travel and exciting things our friends do and how our lives seem relatively bland in comparison. He quite nonchalantly pointed out that our lives aren't very exciting because, in general, I don't like to do things that are exciting.
Some backstory - my husband loves to sail and ski - neither of which I enjoy. When I was a child, sailing with my family really frightened me. I always thought that the boat was going to sink and I was going to drown. I guess I never got over it. Skiing - well, let's just say that being cold isn't my favorite thing, but if I am going to be cold I would rather ice skate or snow tube, that is just me. I have always felt bad about my husband really enjoying doing these things and not really getting to do them. I always felt a lot of guilt because I thought that I was holding him back and keeping him from the things that he loved. I always encourage him to do these things whenever he has the opportunity, but I guess it's not the same.
I'm not really much of a rollercoaster girl either and have I mentioned that I hate to fly? I will fly, but I don't really enjoy it - probably due to a very scary emergency landing that I was invovled in as a child. In retrospect, I guess my need to control the situation that I am in effects my inclination to participate in these activities that are scary or thrilling.
Here are some things I do enjoy or would do if the opportunity arose:
~ scuba diving/ snorkeling
~hiking
~sight seeing
~ learning new things
~ going to historical landmarks
~ swim with the dolphins
~ tubing down a river
~horseback riding
~rollerskating
~ games or role playing
~ going to the beach/ collecting sea glass or shells

I don'tknow, perhaps the lack of the "x" factor in our lives really is my fault, but I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't think that I can change the things that I enjoy doing or pretend to enjoy things that I don't. This all leads us to our personal life. Stop reading if you don't want to details.
Really things are kind of bland in all areas. I try to spice things up with new ideas, toys, games, etc. I guess this is one way that I consider myself adventurous. Still, we are getting older (though it KILLS me to say this), our children are getting older, we are both busy with work and he's busy with his PhD and frankly, there really isn't much time for anything else and even when there is, there seems to be little inclination. When I want to he doesn't and vice versa. I've tried changing my clock around, being more available at what I know are the most likely times for him, but still it avails little. Most of the time, I don't even mind, which is really bad. Most of the time we live like friends with occassional benefits. Maybe that is what marriage really is?

Worst in all of this is the sense of holding him back. Not really sure what to do about it all, or even if there is anything to do about it, just wanted to get it off my chest. After all, it's not like I can really talk to him about it and maybe that's the biggest problem.

The Best Christmas Present Ever

December 21 is my Father's birthday - the Winter Solstice. It's been almost three years since he' s been gone and I still miss him everyday. My Christmas story relates to my dad because I know he's watching me, with me still, interceding for me and helping to guide my steps.
Some of you may know that my husband was recently diagnosed with Celiac's disease. It's been a struggle for him and even on a gluten free diet, the symptoms are not completely resolved. Neither of us were really convinced by his diagnosis and on Wednesday, my father's birthday, we went to see a specialist at Bethesda. The specialist wasn't convinced by the diagnosis either. I feel vindicated that, while my husband may indeed have Celiac's, we aren't crazy. The criteria used to determine the diagnosis were sketchy at best. They took a blood sample to do a complete work up, including a genetic marker test to see if my husband has the predisposition for the disease. If he doesn't, well, it's back to square one to see what is really wrong with him. If he does have the marker, that still doesn't mean he has Celiac's but just a chance to have it. I have been praying like crazy that, one way or another, we will have a definitive diagnosis so that we can wrap our head around it and make the best decisions for my husband's future health. I am so grateful to God that He is helping us through this process. I love my husband and wnat him with me for a long time. In the meantime, he has been cleared to eat gluten which means stuffing and pizelles on Christmas!

On another note, a second Christmas gift that has come my way this year, I had a job interview last week. Most of my readers know that I have been unemployed since we moved here to Annapolis in July. I miss my students like crazy and while I am volunteering and tutoring, it's just not the same. The day of the interview came and I was so nervous. When I arrived, I saw the interviewee before me leave the office. When I left, I saw the next interviewee go in. I really didn't feel confidant about my chances. After all, I had sent my resume in so many times to have no response at all. Well, yesterday, one day after my Dad's birthday, I got the call.... and I got the job! New students to love and nurture starting on the 3rd day of the new year! I know my Dad is still up there watching out for me, guiding my path as he always did when he was still here with me.

So the greatest gift is the reminder that those we love are never truly gone because after all, love lives on. I love you Daddy....

Stop Obsessing!

I have several acquaintances who have been really freaked out about their age and their birthdays this year. Wrinkles freak me out- occasionally - grey hairs are something not to be tolerated - by me at any rate. But birthdays? That's just another day.

I have never fixated on a particular birthday and I hope I never do. I just turned 41 this past September, but it really doesn't matter. I don't feel it. In my head and in my heart, I still feel 18. The only difference is that I get the benefit of having my children, who are amazingly cool individuals, but they wouldn't have been so much fun at 18. I live my life everyday. I try to live it to the fullest and find something amazing. This morning it was a milky white moon on a cerulean blue sky and the way the frost crystals formed on the fallen leaves. It was my daughter's wonder and joy in life that is so contagious. Some days are good and others are shit, but if you look, there is always something miraculous.

Don't fixate and waste it on something as stupid as age. It's just a number and age is all an attitude anyway. If you act old, it doesn't matter if your twenty but being young at heart is forever.

Footsteps on the Moon

Ever since we moved, I have been looking for a job. Not surprising in this economy, i would say. So, until I get a regular gig, I am working as a private tutor. My students mean too much for me to just sit and wait for a classroom opportunity.
I have been working with a darling little boy. Very precocious. As a student, he works hard and applies himself. Sure he sometimes needs the gentle reminder to stay on task, but I'm a grown adult and even I sometimes need that. I have been working with him, once a week, since beginning of October. He was a C student to start. Now, due to his hard work, he is earning A's. His teacher told his parents that she was sorry they got a tutor, that he was an average student. What does that even mean?
Does that mean he has average ability and above average desire to succeed? What does average mean to a third grader? Our course in life is not set by the time we are 8 and those people who are entrusted with our children should always teach and encourage them to aim as high as they can dream. One of my favorite quotes is "Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footsteps on the moon". That's the way I feel about my student. I'm proud of his hard work and accomplishment. To me, he is anything but average.

It's a Question of Trust

Have you ever had something happen to you that bothered you so badly that even though you tried to forget it, it stayed with you and every so often resurfaces at the most inopprotune times? Well, that's what happened to me yesterday.
It was the perfect day. Black Friday, but I didn't have anywhere in particular to be. I spent the day with my girls at the beach - yes, the beach. It was 60 degrees here, sunny and beautiful. We combed the surf for sea glass and just enjoyed being together. The warm air was such a mood lifter until.... I went home.
My youngest daughter wanted to go out to eat. I wasn't exactly all that Keen on cooking. She asked me if we could go out to dinner, I said, "Why don't you ask your Dad". That was pretty much the extent of it. She told him that I wanted to go out to eat instead of saying she did or we both did. Not a big deal but it evolved into the Spanish inquisition with both of us sitting in a chair being asked to relay our version of events. Not only did I feel like a child. but it brought back a very painful memory.
in 2008, my mother in law came to visit. I know, that's always a bad place to start. She accused my daughter of stealing - my then 7 year old daughter. Needless to say, this devolved rather quickly into me telling her what was what. The woman is certifiably crazy and needless to say, when my husband got home from work, her version of events wasn't even close to the truth. Our stories were different so my husband... wait for it, called our then 15 year old babysitter to find out what really happened.
yes, this made me feel like total shit. After all, his mother is a crazy person and he knows that. I don't know. Deep down I don't think he trusts me and that makes me wonder if I can really trust him. So you see, a beautiful day turned to shit all for what? What do you think dear reader, do I just need to get over it?

Preparing Room in my Heart

Yesterday was Thanksgiving - one of my favorite holidays. I love the peaceful tranquility of it - at least at our house. Usually it is just the four of us, well five, if you count my dog, and that's the way I like it. We get up in the morning to watch the Macy's day parade, cook the meal together, think about all the things we have in our lives to be Thankful for and then enjoy. It's the perfect day, which begins my favorite time of year - Advent, leading up to Christmas!
When I was a little girl, I attended Catholic school. It's no surprise that at this time of year, we spent a lot of time singing Christmas carols. No, not Frosty the Snowman, I'm talking about Carols like Come All Ye Faithful, Away in a Manger and my personal favorite.... Joy to the World. My favorite line is "Let every heart prepare him room".... When I was a little girl, the nuns used to talk to us about what it meant to prepare room in our hearts for Jesus. That is what Christmas is about for me:peace, love, giving to others. I asked my daughter what it meant to preapre room in our hearts for Jesus. She said it meant to do good things and not bad things. That's right, but it's so much more than that. It's about making our heart as beautiful as Jesus is and sharing that light with others. Christmas isn't about the presents under the tree, though gifts are a physical representation of the love we have for others. It's the gifts we give with our hearts: time, love, service... these are the gifts of love that Jesus has for us and wants us to share.
So this season, as your tempted to go out to Walmart and get uptight with your fellow man because they got the last mp3 player on sale, think about preparing the room in your own heart. Jesus is the reason for the Season, and you can demonstrate that, especially at this time of year, by showing His love to others. Or in the words of another favorite song, "This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine".

Equilibrium

Well, it's been a while since I have written. Some days it's difficult to find anything to say. I did finally change my blog around, I guess I got tired of looking at the same beluga whale. This little gold fish is cute though, right?

Life is really changing here. I used to blog about life without my husband or life while he was "just visiting" from the boat. I'm happy to say that isn't my life anymore. I feel almost.....normal, and it feels good. The other night it was very windy and even though the house is quiet, the wind always makes me anxious. My husband lay down beside me and wrapped his arms around me. I thought of all the other times that I longed to feel them, other wind storms that I listened to alone. It's all irrelevant now. God is good and I guess we've done our time in the barrel. At least I hope so.

My girls, they are adjusting to a new place. It's hard for my 12 year old than it is for my younger daughter. As far as I can recall, middle school should otherwise have been known as hell, even when I was a kid. Throwing a move into the mix just makes it really "frothy" as my daughter would say. In spite of all that, both made the straight A honor roll and I know they will find their way. This is a good place for all of us to be.

As for me, I'm starting to find my footing. I miss my students and my job like crazy but tutoring is really a wonderful experience. I have five students now --- three that I start with next week and two that I am working with now. They are amazing children and I love ever minute of being with them. When I'm with them, I feel like I know what I was supposed to do with my life. When something clicks for them and they gain understanding- that's just like flying. There is no better feeling in all the world. Sure, it's not work at a school but I keep telling myself that will come. In the meantime doing what I love, in whatever manner possible, is what is important.

Life is good. Sometimes things aren't always what we think they will be... but they are always what we need them to be to learn and grow. I guess I was just reminded of that the hard way.