Harder Than I'm Sorry

People always say that it's hard to say you're sorry. I guess that it is, goodness knows that I hate to be wrong. Still, when I am, I woman up and admit it. It usually isn't too hard for me to say that I'm sorry.

Goodbye is the hardest thing for me to say. I hate goodbyes and as a Navy wife, I get to say a lot of them. All this time in the Navy, 11 years now, is starting to take it's toll. As I get older and my children get older, I find it harder and harder to make new friends. I look at the woman around me who have life long friends and I feel envy. I don't know what that is anymore. I don't feel any deep connections, instead, I find myself looking at each new person and wondering how long they will be in my life and whether or not they are worth the emotional labor of attempting to become their friend. I've become jaded.

Each new goodby just adds to the sorrow that I feel. It's like piling on in football - the first goodbye is bad and each successive one gets progressively worse. It's a sad fact of my reality that I really don't do change well, which is almost ironic considering how much I get to deal with on a fairly regular basis.

All things considered, last night was difficult. It was the Hail and Farewell for both our Weapons officer and our Captain. I like and admire both of their wives, and their shoes will be particularly difficult to fill. Our captains place will be almost impossible for anyone to fill in my eyes.

He's a truly good man. He's a good husband, a good father and a great leader (most of the time). I worried less for my husband's safety when he was in command because I trusted him to make the right decisions for the benefit of the entire crew. I'm sure that our new captain is a good man and a very capable individual, but trust takes a long time to earn.

So last night, we said yet another goodbye. eople seem to move in and out of my life in a rapid flurry and even though I won't foget them, my roots feel like they get shallower and shallower with each successive farewell. I long to be more firmly planted.