It's a Question of Trust

Have you ever had something happen to you that bothered you so badly that even though you tried to forget it, it stayed with you and every so often resurfaces at the most inopprotune times? Well, that's what happened to me yesterday.
It was the perfect day. Black Friday, but I didn't have anywhere in particular to be. I spent the day with my girls at the beach - yes, the beach. It was 60 degrees here, sunny and beautiful. We combed the surf for sea glass and just enjoyed being together. The warm air was such a mood lifter until.... I went home.
My youngest daughter wanted to go out to eat. I wasn't exactly all that Keen on cooking. She asked me if we could go out to dinner, I said, "Why don't you ask your Dad". That was pretty much the extent of it. She told him that I wanted to go out to eat instead of saying she did or we both did. Not a big deal but it evolved into the Spanish inquisition with both of us sitting in a chair being asked to relay our version of events. Not only did I feel like a child. but it brought back a very painful memory.
in 2008, my mother in law came to visit. I know, that's always a bad place to start. She accused my daughter of stealing - my then 7 year old daughter. Needless to say, this devolved rather quickly into me telling her what was what. The woman is certifiably crazy and needless to say, when my husband got home from work, her version of events wasn't even close to the truth. Our stories were different so my husband... wait for it, called our then 15 year old babysitter to find out what really happened.
yes, this made me feel like total shit. After all, his mother is a crazy person and he knows that. I don't know. Deep down I don't think he trusts me and that makes me wonder if I can really trust him. So you see, a beautiful day turned to shit all for what? What do you think dear reader, do I just need to get over it?

Preparing Room in my Heart

Yesterday was Thanksgiving - one of my favorite holidays. I love the peaceful tranquility of it - at least at our house. Usually it is just the four of us, well five, if you count my dog, and that's the way I like it. We get up in the morning to watch the Macy's day parade, cook the meal together, think about all the things we have in our lives to be Thankful for and then enjoy. It's the perfect day, which begins my favorite time of year - Advent, leading up to Christmas!
When I was a little girl, I attended Catholic school. It's no surprise that at this time of year, we spent a lot of time singing Christmas carols. No, not Frosty the Snowman, I'm talking about Carols like Come All Ye Faithful, Away in a Manger and my personal favorite.... Joy to the World. My favorite line is "Let every heart prepare him room".... When I was a little girl, the nuns used to talk to us about what it meant to prepare room in our hearts for Jesus. That is what Christmas is about for me:peace, love, giving to others. I asked my daughter what it meant to preapre room in our hearts for Jesus. She said it meant to do good things and not bad things. That's right, but it's so much more than that. It's about making our heart as beautiful as Jesus is and sharing that light with others. Christmas isn't about the presents under the tree, though gifts are a physical representation of the love we have for others. It's the gifts we give with our hearts: time, love, service... these are the gifts of love that Jesus has for us and wants us to share.
So this season, as your tempted to go out to Walmart and get uptight with your fellow man because they got the last mp3 player on sale, think about preparing the room in your own heart. Jesus is the reason for the Season, and you can demonstrate that, especially at this time of year, by showing His love to others. Or in the words of another favorite song, "This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine".

Equilibrium

Well, it's been a while since I have written. Some days it's difficult to find anything to say. I did finally change my blog around, I guess I got tired of looking at the same beluga whale. This little gold fish is cute though, right?

Life is really changing here. I used to blog about life without my husband or life while he was "just visiting" from the boat. I'm happy to say that isn't my life anymore. I feel almost.....normal, and it feels good. The other night it was very windy and even though the house is quiet, the wind always makes me anxious. My husband lay down beside me and wrapped his arms around me. I thought of all the other times that I longed to feel them, other wind storms that I listened to alone. It's all irrelevant now. God is good and I guess we've done our time in the barrel. At least I hope so.

My girls, they are adjusting to a new place. It's hard for my 12 year old than it is for my younger daughter. As far as I can recall, middle school should otherwise have been known as hell, even when I was a kid. Throwing a move into the mix just makes it really "frothy" as my daughter would say. In spite of all that, both made the straight A honor roll and I know they will find their way. This is a good place for all of us to be.

As for me, I'm starting to find my footing. I miss my students and my job like crazy but tutoring is really a wonderful experience. I have five students now --- three that I start with next week and two that I am working with now. They are amazing children and I love ever minute of being with them. When I'm with them, I feel like I know what I was supposed to do with my life. When something clicks for them and they gain understanding- that's just like flying. There is no better feeling in all the world. Sure, it's not work at a school but I keep telling myself that will come. In the meantime doing what I love, in whatever manner possible, is what is important.

Life is good. Sometimes things aren't always what we think they will be... but they are always what we need them to be to learn and grow. I guess I was just reminded of that the hard way.

The Nightmare Playdate and the Awkward Neighbor Moment

One of the many great things about our new house is that there are children in the neighborhood that my youngest can play with - three little girls ages ranging from 9 - 5. ( Suddenly I hear strains of Dolly Parton "What a way to make a living, barely getting by...")At any rate, back to the story. The children all enjoy playing together but two of the three little girls always want to play here. In the three months we have lived here, they have not invited Emily to come and play one time. Not that this is really important, just a piece of relevant background information.
At any rate, the two girls, I will call them Lily and Lois, though those are not their names, come over at least once a week, usually on Friday, to play. During the first playdate they were so rough that Lily, who apparently is double jointed, knocked her elbow out of place and had to "snap" it back in. Lovely. When I took her home, feeling so guilty and worried that she may have to go to the hospital, her father informed me that this was a regular occurance that happened all the time. It would have been nice to know... The last time they came over to play, Lois swung from Emily's draperies and pulled the hardware right out of the wall. All the while, my daughter was telling her to stop, to no avail until I went into the room and saw what she was up to. After this event, I told Emily that I would prefer she keep the girls in the basement, which is fully finished space where we keep our tv, wii and other game equipment, when they come over to play since they play a little roughly and I didn't want anyone to get hurt, especially near a two story window.
The other little girl who lives in my neighborhood, I'll call her Phoebe, is delightful. She and my daughter play nicely together, without incident. Phoebe's great grandmother passed away this past week. Her mother was having the wake at her home and was worried about Phoebe. I told my neighbor that Phoebe was welcome to come over and play, if she was upset about the wake. So, later on that afternoon there is a knock at my door. It 's Phoeber and her dad, asking if Phoebe can play. I say of course, and the girls go about playing. I was in the kitchen when they asked me if they could go outside to play basketball and jump rope. I say certainly, since we live on a quiet cul-de-sac and the children know they can not leave the driveway. Here's where it gets weird.

After about twenty minutes of playing, the children come back inside and go downstairs to play on the Wii. I'm up to my eyeballs in cookie dough when the door bell rings. Emily and Phoebe get the door while I get cleaned up. When I get there, Lily and her father are at the door talking to Emily. Lily's father has a very angry and upset look on his face. I ask what is going on and the father asks if Lily can play. I say ok and he says "Are you sure?" to which I say yes and he informs me that he will pick her up in a hour. Fine. The girls all go down in the basement to play, since I don't want Lily near Emily's draperies or window.

An hour passes and Lily's mother comes to pick Liy up. It's raining, so I invite her inside while she waits for her daughter to put on her shoes and collect her things. She abruptly says "NO, I'm just here for Lily". Then she tells me that her husband said there was some sort of playdate mixup. Apparently, when Emily and Phoebe were out playing, Lily asked if she could come over and play. My daughter said 'maybe, you should ask your mom first.' When the girls came inside, they never mentioned this exchange to me. When Lily and her father showed up at the door, Emily said she didn't think she could play because she already had one friend over. What would have possessed her to say this, other than the past incidents with Lily, I don't know.

Both that day and this morning my daughter apologized for the confusion, mostly to no avail. She was brushed off, somewhat rudely. It has all left an awkward and uncomfortable space between myself and my neighbors that I am not really sure what to do about. Did I mention that the husband also watches me walk my dog? Slows down to watch me and has said things like, "I could give you something to do besides walk the dog..." I'm not sure what my relationship with my neighbors is, or even what I would like it to be, though cordial would be nice since I plan on living here for a long time. Any thoughts or suggestions? I'm really at a loss....

Will It Ever Get Fixed?

Ever since we bought this house, we have been struggling with an antiquated air conditioning unit. We knew when we purchased the house that it was probably at or near end of life, which is why we insisted that the sellers purchase the advanced warranty. Basically we have been dealing with this since June. We call the warranty company, they send out repair people, some part or other gets replaced and things work for about six week and then we are right back where we started. It is so frustrating!
I really hope we get some answers soon. I hate feeling like things just aren't working in my new home. It makes it hard to feel "at home" if you know what I mean. I guess this is our time in the barrel as my Dad would say.....

On top of that all, I really miss my students. I guess you all can see why I haven't been blogging lately. Sorry to lay it all out on you all.... I hope my next entry will be more cheerful.

Made of Sterner Stuff

That's part of being a military spouse, that fact that we are made, of necessity, of sterner stuff. My father used to ask how I could say goodbye with a smile on my face, he was proud of me that I could. I told him that I could because that's what we do. That is what is required. We see our sailors off and we smile. Then we cry our eyeballs out the whole way home - but NEVER where he can see. I always wanted my sailor to remember my smile and I wanted my father to as well.

I can't understand women who moan and complain because they have to move one time in their life. They let their children wallow in misery and sadness over something that can't be controlled or changed. Worse, they let their children wallow in misery over a conscious choice that they have made, or allow themselves to. I just don't understand it. My husband tells me that I don't understand this because I have had to move so many times in my life, and I guess that he is right. It's hard to move. It certainly isn't my favorite thing to do but sometimes it has to be done. What good does boo-hooing do? Especially in public - wallowing in self pity and letting everyone see you. I can't fathom it.

I was sad when we left our last duty station. I won't lie and tell you that I didn't cry, but not in public. I cried and still cry when I think about my students that I left behind and the friends that I miss. But deep down I know that new friends don't replace the friends left behind and a move doesn't mean the loss of a relationship. It just means you have to work a little harder to maintain it. Every place is an adventure, part of the life journey and every person you met a potential friend. I feel blessed for all the various places that I have lived, the people that have traveled in and out of my life and the strength that this experience has given me. The strength doesn't appear to apply when listening to other women whine. Sometimes I have an almost uncontrollable urge to say, "Suck it up, buttercup". My fellow Navy wives, I'm sure, will understand. It's like listening to some housewife complain because her husband is gone for three days golfing and she doesn't know how she is going to cope without him and what in the world will she do with her kids? I'm glad I'm made of sterner stuff and me and my children, oh yeah, three days wouldn't even register. (Not really, anyway.)

The Ways the World Has Changed

It's been two years since my Dad passed. On one hand it seems like yesterday and on the other, it feels like he's been gone forever. I miss him and think of him everyday. I was thinking about the ways the world has changed since he has been gone. It's amazing how much really. For example:

Two years ago the discussion was about the public option. My father dreaded the Healthcare bill and was vehemently opposed to it. I'm glad he can't see our current debacle. It would kill him to know that the country he loved so much and fought so hard for is in such bad shape. I doubt the downgrade in our credit status would surprise him, but it would disappoint.

Two years ago, Obama's approval rating was at 53%. It's down to 42% now, an encouraging sign that people are waking up to the political games both parties play. Before he died, my Dad convinced me to change my affiliation to Independent. He believed that parties were a large part of what is wrong with our country and our political system. I may not be able to vote in most primaries, but I'm not in any party's pocket so to speak.

Speaking of Approval ratings, Congress sat at a record low - 31% in 2009. It's fallen to under half of that now. Pathetic really.

The Tea Party was a political movement in it's infancy. Now, for good or for ill, it's a major player.

Two years ago, there was no Ipad. That is a big change in our house. Although my husband is the only one in our family with one, he loves it and uses it everywhere for everything. Now even Apple is getting a little competition as other companies catch on to the Tablet craze.

We still had three Harry Potter movies to look forward to. Harry has been a big part of my family since 2003, when I read the first book. Since then, he and his friends have become a staple in our home. Our daughters love the books and often talked with my Dad about the characters. Now, Harry's time is done and I wonder who will rekindle the magic of reading for the next generation.

We were still waiting for justice for the murder of 3000 of our fellow countrymen. Osama bin Laden was still at large. I know if my Dad could see one thing other than his family, this is an event that he would love to have looked down from Heaven upon.

These are just a few ways the world has changed. My family has changed as well.
I went back to school and got my masters degree in Education. I know my Dad would have been proud. He always said that an Education is the one thing that no one can take from you. Now my husband is going back for his PhD. I guess we both took my father's advice to heart.

My Daughter's are two years older, but they still miss their Pappy. We talk about my Dad and tell funny stories all the time. I always want my children to know the man my Dad was. They remind me every day that those we love are never really gone.

We're back in Maryland now. I know that would have made my Dad happy. He loved the Naval Academy and he knew that we wanted to make Maryland our home. Now that has happened. So many changes and yet, somethings are always the same.

I love you Dad and you will forever be my hero.