Made of Sterner Stuff

That's part of being a military spouse, that fact that we are made, of necessity, of sterner stuff. My father used to ask how I could say goodbye with a smile on my face, he was proud of me that I could. I told him that I could because that's what we do. That is what is required. We see our sailors off and we smile. Then we cry our eyeballs out the whole way home - but NEVER where he can see. I always wanted my sailor to remember my smile and I wanted my father to as well.

I can't understand women who moan and complain because they have to move one time in their life. They let their children wallow in misery and sadness over something that can't be controlled or changed. Worse, they let their children wallow in misery over a conscious choice that they have made, or allow themselves to. I just don't understand it. My husband tells me that I don't understand this because I have had to move so many times in my life, and I guess that he is right. It's hard to move. It certainly isn't my favorite thing to do but sometimes it has to be done. What good does boo-hooing do? Especially in public - wallowing in self pity and letting everyone see you. I can't fathom it.

I was sad when we left our last duty station. I won't lie and tell you that I didn't cry, but not in public. I cried and still cry when I think about my students that I left behind and the friends that I miss. But deep down I know that new friends don't replace the friends left behind and a move doesn't mean the loss of a relationship. It just means you have to work a little harder to maintain it. Every place is an adventure, part of the life journey and every person you met a potential friend. I feel blessed for all the various places that I have lived, the people that have traveled in and out of my life and the strength that this experience has given me. The strength doesn't appear to apply when listening to other women whine. Sometimes I have an almost uncontrollable urge to say, "Suck it up, buttercup". My fellow Navy wives, I'm sure, will understand. It's like listening to some housewife complain because her husband is gone for three days golfing and she doesn't know how she is going to cope without him and what in the world will she do with her kids? I'm glad I'm made of sterner stuff and me and my children, oh yeah, three days wouldn't even register. (Not really, anyway.)

The Ways the World Has Changed

It's been two years since my Dad passed. On one hand it seems like yesterday and on the other, it feels like he's been gone forever. I miss him and think of him everyday. I was thinking about the ways the world has changed since he has been gone. It's amazing how much really. For example:

Two years ago the discussion was about the public option. My father dreaded the Healthcare bill and was vehemently opposed to it. I'm glad he can't see our current debacle. It would kill him to know that the country he loved so much and fought so hard for is in such bad shape. I doubt the downgrade in our credit status would surprise him, but it would disappoint.

Two years ago, Obama's approval rating was at 53%. It's down to 42% now, an encouraging sign that people are waking up to the political games both parties play. Before he died, my Dad convinced me to change my affiliation to Independent. He believed that parties were a large part of what is wrong with our country and our political system. I may not be able to vote in most primaries, but I'm not in any party's pocket so to speak.

Speaking of Approval ratings, Congress sat at a record low - 31% in 2009. It's fallen to under half of that now. Pathetic really.

The Tea Party was a political movement in it's infancy. Now, for good or for ill, it's a major player.

Two years ago, there was no Ipad. That is a big change in our house. Although my husband is the only one in our family with one, he loves it and uses it everywhere for everything. Now even Apple is getting a little competition as other companies catch on to the Tablet craze.

We still had three Harry Potter movies to look forward to. Harry has been a big part of my family since 2003, when I read the first book. Since then, he and his friends have become a staple in our home. Our daughters love the books and often talked with my Dad about the characters. Now, Harry's time is done and I wonder who will rekindle the magic of reading for the next generation.

We were still waiting for justice for the murder of 3000 of our fellow countrymen. Osama bin Laden was still at large. I know if my Dad could see one thing other than his family, this is an event that he would love to have looked down from Heaven upon.

These are just a few ways the world has changed. My family has changed as well.
I went back to school and got my masters degree in Education. I know my Dad would have been proud. He always said that an Education is the one thing that no one can take from you. Now my husband is going back for his PhD. I guess we both took my father's advice to heart.

My Daughter's are two years older, but they still miss their Pappy. We talk about my Dad and tell funny stories all the time. I always want my children to know the man my Dad was. They remind me every day that those we love are never really gone.

We're back in Maryland now. I know that would have made my Dad happy. He loved the Naval Academy and he knew that we wanted to make Maryland our home. Now that has happened. So many changes and yet, somethings are always the same.

I love you Dad and you will forever be my hero.

Why Don't They Leave and Other Dumb Questions - Domestic VIolence

I wrote this post four years ago, but when I was young, this was my life. Recently, something reminded me that there is a lot of misunderstanding about domestic violence and the people who it effects. I thought this post was worth resurrecting. I hope you take the time to read it, maybe it will help promote some compassion and understanding.



Yesterday my friend Kate opened up publicly about her experience as a victim of Domestic Violence. Kate and I are not just friends here on the Café, but in real life too – we talk….. I have known about the abuse that she endured for a time now…. She opened up to me because she found out that I had also been a victim.


I realized that there are so many women out there who feel isolated and alone. They sit in their own dark version of hell and feel that there really is no way out. Those of you who have never experienced domestic violence ask: Why does she endure it? Why does she put up with it? Why does she stay? The answer is quite simply that a victim often can’t find her way out…..


I was 18 years old when I started dating my abuser. I loved him more than anything in this world – and NO he didn’t start hitting me right away… they never do. The mental abuse is much worse, and that is what starts first. An abuser wants to isolate his victim from family and friends. My abuser told me that I was dumb, fat, stupid, crazy, and my favorite – that no one would ever love me the way that he did. After hearing that you are worthless so often by a person that professes to love you, and not getting any positive reinforcement from family and friends, you start to believe what they tell you. “ Maybe I really am worthless…..” I know that is what I thought.


That is when the physical abuse starts. The first time my abuser hit me – he struck me flat palmed across the face. Immediately, he was on his knees saying “ Baby, baby, I’m so sorry…. It will never happen again. I love you so much, I just lost control…. You have to help me! If you wouldn’t have pushed me…..” Sound familiar? I thought that it was my fault. I had just pushed him too far. If I just loved him enough, I could help him to change. Things were really good for a while, and I believed him that it would never happen again….. I was so wrong.


The next time, it wasn’t just a slap across the face – he beat me! He beat me so bad that the next day I couldn’t get out of bed. He was always careful not to hit my face after the first time….. Most of the bruises and scars that he gave me were internal as the mental abuse never stopped. I felt that his abuse was my failure. I had done something to deserve it.. . and after it happened, I still got the “Baby, I’m sorry… “. After the beating, things were better – for a while……


One day, I came home and found him and a friend abusing my cat. I was so mad, I loved my cat!!! Why would he do something like that to a harmless animal? I freed it and that began a huge fight, which ended in me being thrown through a window and cutting open on of my main arteries. As I lay on the ground bleeding – his friend dialed 911 – and he stood over me saying, “Bitch, you deserved it.” They rushed me to the hospital via ambulance where the doctor was able to fix my arm – but my broken spirit was another matter. I kept my scars, both on the inside and the outside.


I finally found the courage to leave him – my cat, Stripe, and I. I knew the next time he would kill me and somehow, I scrapped myself together, called a co-worker and asked for help. She put me up until I could find a place of my own….


Would you know that he came crawling back? He wanted me to forgive him. It would never happen again….. For a time, I was so weak, I wanted to believe him. I wanted to fix him, make him a better man….. If I just loved him enough… but then, I looked at my arm and said “ That son of a bitch threw you through a window! What is it going to take?” It was hard, but I stood my ground….


I worked, I was lonely, and I have a lot of baggage…. But even with the problems that I had financially struggling etc… I was alive!!! I rediscovered myself and I learned that I wasn’t worthless, or stupid, or ugly……. It took me many years to get beyond all that pain. Sometimes I still have nightmares and I wake up next to my husband who tells me “It’s ok, it’s over…..”


To any women out there reading this – you are NOT alone! Please find someone to talk to….. Leaving can be scary, but start making plans. Finish school, get a job, keep a bag ready….. And if you need immediate help call the national helpline at 1-800-799- SAFE that’s 1-800-799-7233. You deserve to be happy!! Your children have the right to a violence free childhood. Your sons need to know that this is not the way to treat women and your daughters need to know that this isn’t the way they should be treated. There is a way out – please ask for help….. I did and I am alive today because of it.



To anyone that has a friend that may be going through this - don't let them be isolated. Be the voice of affirmation for them. Remind them that they are a loving, beautiful and worthwhile human being. You'll be glad you did. Friends in need are friends in deed.

Spiraling....

As stressful as negotiating and closing on our new house was, the selling of our old house has proven to be even more so. I hate feeling like things are out of my control and frankly, once an offer is made on the house, almost everything is. Our house passed it's inspection with flying colors only to have bozo the clown for an appraiser.

We have a stoop on our house. It has one step and a landing. It measures 18 - 22 inches high depending on where you measure from. It has never been an issue in the 5 years that we lived there - even with the varied company we have had. Now, the appraiser - NOT the inspector, tells us that we need to have frakking hand rails. Are you kidding me???? It's completely absurd. There is no need for that and additionally there is no, I repeat NO, code requiring the hand rails. So, some appraiser gets to pull some idiocy completely out of his ass and unless we comply, the sale of our house in CT is totally tanked.

Yep, I'm a little stressed. I'm trying to remind myself that it will all work out as it is meant to. Someday I will look back at all of this and laugh at my lack of faith. I know God has a plan and it will resolve and/ or reveal itself in the end. See, I feel a little better already. Thanks for letting me vent.

Karma is a Bitch and it bites both ways

The other day I was talking to a friend who was commiserating about the terrible way that people have treated her and waiting for karma to give her retribution. Look, we've all done something like this in the past - been seeking that justice for some perceived hurt. Here is what I have learned over the years - Karma is a bitch and it bites both ways.
Usually, when I find myself waiting for karma to serve justice to those who have hurt me, what I really need to be doing is taking a closer look in the mirror at myself and my own action. Hurts and failed relationships are always the result of the actions of more than one party. I have plenty of karma coming my way.
Friendships and interpersonal relationships of any kind require constant nuturing and maintenance. Many of my friends know that I haven't always been there to do the heavy lifting, but I know enough to know that any failures in my life are failures that my actions or lack of action has contributed to.
I was never the biggest fan of Michael Jackson, but in the 90's he had a song with a very powerful message. The lyrics go like this... " I'm starting with the Man in the mirror. I'm asking him to change his ways. And no message could have been any clearer, if you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and then make that change."
There are relationships that I work hard on... my relationship with my husband, my children, my mother... these are the relationships that are necessary to my survival. These are the people I would lay down my life for, without hesitation. Now I need to work on buttressing and rebuilding friendships. I promise to do the heavy lifting, because I'm starting with the woman in the mirror.
Oh, and karma, well... let's just say that all the relationships in my past have made me who I am - for better or for worse. Those that I have hurt, and there is a long list, I'm sure.... they may not know, but I am sorry and I am waiting for the karma I know is coming to make it right.

It's good to be home

I hate moving, but it is an integral part of military life as any military wife could tell you. This is it, what i hope will be our final move.
While I sit on a hardwood floor wondering when our furniture will be delivered, it has to be said that it is good to be home - back in Annapolis and south of the Mason- Dixon line.
One of my favorite things about being back is the ability to get sweet tea every where I go. Not sweetened tea, and certainly not peach nor raspberry flavored tea, but real, honest to goodness southern sweet tea. Awesome! Last night we had dinner at Boston Market, something that I haven't been able to do for five years.There are things I will miss about Ledyard: my home, my students and my friends. All that aside though, it must be said that it's good to be home!

The things my Father taught me....

Today is Father's day and I realize that my Dad has been gone for almost two years. There were so many times when he was alive, teaching me the hard lessons that I didn't want to see him or talk to him and now, I would give anything to have all that precious time back. In the end, I know my father knew how very much I loved him. As I grew older, we saw so many things very much the same. He used to tell me that he was a dinosaur, the last of his kind, but he wasn't because he had me.
My father taught me many valuable lessons throughout my life, things that I will never forget. The first lesson that he taught me is that the man a girl can trust and rely on the most is her Daddy. ( I know not everyone is fortunate enough to have a wonderful father like I did, but for those of us who do or did, this statement is true). My Dad was like a mix between G.I. Joe and Santa Claus. There was nothing that my father couldn't do. As we grow older though, we realize that even our heroes can't do everything and the one battle my father couldn't win was his battle against cancer. Even with that though, he lived his life in his own way, right up to the end and that is it's own victory really.
One of the most important lessons that my father taught me was a saying of his from the Air Force - Proper planning prevents piss poor performance. I am not nearly as good at this as my dad was - he was a master, even planning and providing for his own funeral. Another lesson that goes hand in hand with the first is that we humans are always one step away from a tragedy. My brother died when he was three years old, he fell off the tractor that my dad was driving. It's a tragedy that both my parents have lived with all their lives. The prescence of this event was always there in my family and it taught me to be cautious and to take steps to try and avert these kinds of tragedies. I don't know if this makes me a better or a worse person, but it does make me who I am.
My father lived his life as a man of honor. He always said that a man's word was his bond and he never faltered from that. Jim Beadling's word was the gold standard, even people who didn't like my dad would admit to that. He taught me what it meant to be a friend, a real friend. I dont' think that I am the kind of friend to people that he was, but it is something to strive for and I do.
He also taught me the importance of an education. All my life my father encouraged me to go to school, to better myself, to learn more - whatever my interests were. He always said that knowledge is the one thing that no one can ever take from you and I hope to pass that and all these lessons on to my daughters.
We all still miss him very much, but today, on Father's day, I wanted to honor the man that he was and all the wonderful gifts that he brought to my life. Happy Father's Day Daddy.