Forgiveness and the Search for Quan

It's hard to believe that a week has passed. It's been a crazy week here with almost everyone in my house sick. Seasonal asthma sucks.

Last weekend my husband and I had an argument, all over the mulch if you can believe that. No, I guess it wasn't really over the mulch but rather our communication skills with one another. In the course of the argument, things came up - on both sides - from our past together.

I realized then that these events from our past - while I had put the hurt of these past incidents on the back burner, I had neither forgotten or forgiven them. To be sure, these were large events in our lives, but they did happen almost 4 years ago or more. Why was I holding on to that hurt? And how did it impact our relationship together?

Holding on to past hurts is like a festering wound, and this one was in my heart. I never took the splinter out to let the wound heal but rather, nursed the pain and resentment that the pain had caused. Sure, it was buried good and deep and on most days, no one would even know it was there but it was there.... infecting all the positives in my life and even impacting my ability to connect with my husband on a deeply emotional level. Why, you ask ? Because I didn't trust him not to do it again. So I waited, nursing the pain and the hurt, licking my wounds in the dark where I thought no one could see.

Here's the thing though, that anger and resentment - it's like a cancer and the person that it hurts the most is you. I realized that to truly move on in my relationship, I had to decide if I could really forgive those past hurts and truly put them in the past where they belonged. Ultimately, I believe that I can do that and that I have done that. Sometimes arguments are healthy in a relationship as long as you aren't doing it all the time and as long as what needs to be aired is actually being aired.

I trust that my husband wouldn't hurt me for anything in the world, sometimes he just isn't an effective communicator and he doesn't know any better, but I can honestly say he is trying. As for me, I pulled the splinter out of my heart because I want my heart to be whole and healthy so that I can truly share it with my family and friends.

I honestly believe that in order to be truly happy, you have to be willing to risk your heart and forgive those that may have hurt you. You even have to forgive yourself. It's a process, but it's definitely worth it.

Love suffers long and is kind: love does not envy; love does not parade itself; it is not puffed up; does not behave rudely,does ont seek it's own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in injury but rejoices in the truth,bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. True love never dies.

The Truth at Last

Several months ago I had a falling out with a "friend" that I had a relationship with for some years. I thought that we were close. I thought that our friendship could weather disagreements and differences of opinion. I was wrong.
For the longest time, I acted like her words and actions didn't bother me. I was so busy I allowed my work to distract me from what I was feeling which was disappointment, betrayal, and anger. I held these emotions in for months. I never really aired them to anyone, other than to her - my sister, my "friend".
It all started with a poorly worded post in a social networking site that I administered. The bruhaha and the subsequent fallout escalated and escalated until there was no room left for friendship.
How can a person possibly have any type of relationship with someone who leaves no room for any opinion but her own? How can one have any type of relationship with a woman who used fake "identities" on said social networking site to personally attack and malign them? How is it possible to turn the other cheek, look beyond the betrayal and try to understand another point of view? Well, the answer is I have forgiven, I do try to understand her bitterness and anger, but there is simply no room for any type of friendship left. Sad, isn't it?
This was a woman that I spent several hours with on the phone every week. This was a woman who, if she called me in the middle of the night for help, she could expect to get it. This was a woman I respected and trusted and now, this is a woman that I have no contact with whatsoever.
The things that she said about me were not only hurtful, they were LIES. Flat out lies. After everything that is the one thing that I just couldn't get beyond.
It still makes me sad, the loss of this friend. I think about her and wonder how she is, but deep down, I realize that no relationship can exist without trust and frankly, after everything, I could never trust her again.

This brings me to my current situation. I left said social networking site, in no small part due to the poison and the lies. I joined another site - Facebook - and I love it there. For the most part, I am friends with people that I genuinely care about - people who I want to keep track of and be a part of their lives. There is one individual there though whose friendship I accepted and now I regret. She was party to the events described above and though she did not actively participate in the lying and maligning of my character, she appeared to be cheering on the sidelines during the worst of it.

I want a fresh start. I do care about this second woman, but I'm unsure whether I am capable of offering her true friendship based on all the hurt and betrayal that I still feel. Any words of advice?