Forgiveness and the Search for Quan

It's hard to believe that a week has passed. It's been a crazy week here with almost everyone in my house sick. Seasonal asthma sucks.

Last weekend my husband and I had an argument, all over the mulch if you can believe that. No, I guess it wasn't really over the mulch but rather our communication skills with one another. In the course of the argument, things came up - on both sides - from our past together.

I realized then that these events from our past - while I had put the hurt of these past incidents on the back burner, I had neither forgotten or forgiven them. To be sure, these were large events in our lives, but they did happen almost 4 years ago or more. Why was I holding on to that hurt? And how did it impact our relationship together?

Holding on to past hurts is like a festering wound, and this one was in my heart. I never took the splinter out to let the wound heal but rather, nursed the pain and resentment that the pain had caused. Sure, it was buried good and deep and on most days, no one would even know it was there but it was there.... infecting all the positives in my life and even impacting my ability to connect with my husband on a deeply emotional level. Why, you ask ? Because I didn't trust him not to do it again. So I waited, nursing the pain and the hurt, licking my wounds in the dark where I thought no one could see.

Here's the thing though, that anger and resentment - it's like a cancer and the person that it hurts the most is you. I realized that to truly move on in my relationship, I had to decide if I could really forgive those past hurts and truly put them in the past where they belonged. Ultimately, I believe that I can do that and that I have done that. Sometimes arguments are healthy in a relationship as long as you aren't doing it all the time and as long as what needs to be aired is actually being aired.

I trust that my husband wouldn't hurt me for anything in the world, sometimes he just isn't an effective communicator and he doesn't know any better, but I can honestly say he is trying. As for me, I pulled the splinter out of my heart because I want my heart to be whole and healthy so that I can truly share it with my family and friends.

I honestly believe that in order to be truly happy, you have to be willing to risk your heart and forgive those that may have hurt you. You even have to forgive yourself. It's a process, but it's definitely worth it.

Love suffers long and is kind: love does not envy; love does not parade itself; it is not puffed up; does not behave rudely,does ont seek it's own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, does not rejoice in injury but rejoices in the truth,bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. True love never dies.

Warm Arms, Happy Hearts

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday. It's weird because when I was young, I just didn't get it. I viewed it as a day where nothing really happened but dinner, it seemed sort of like a waste. It's hard for me to believe it now that I used to view things that way. At any rate,I understand it now. Maybe it is like that for everyone - something you only truly appreciate later.
I usually blog about the things that I am thankful for during the month of November. This month I'm off to a slow start thanks to the Swine flu, but better late than never.
After three very long years, my husband is finally on shore duty. I can't explain how wonderful that feels, but I know that many who read this blog are military wives, mothers, and members, so you all will understand. As a friend said to me today, "you always feel like you are on borrowed time." So true. Even now, I am faced with the knowledge that some time, some day, I will have to give up my husband again. I know we choose this life and I wouldn't have another, but it is still a sacrifice to watch him go.
This year, I am extremely grateful for the warm arms that surround me every night. He may have to work during the day, but every night, he's here at home with me and our children, where he belongs. It's wonderful to do all the things as a family that we want to. It's wonderful to do the simple things that most people take for granted, like having someone to share popcorn and cuddle with while watching tv, or just sharing the silence at night with. Even the soft, even sounds of his breath while he sleeps is something that I am so grateful for. If I can hear it, that means he's close... and I'm not lying in bed alone - imagining him next to me instead.
I never want to forget how grateful I am, how much I appreciate him. I love that man. I love the family we have made together and I never, never want to take him for granted. Warm arms around me certainly do make for two very happy hearts.

An Anniversary... of Sorts.

As I was thinking about the impending holiday this coming Saturday, it suddenly occurred to me that it's an anniversary of sorts for Robbie and I. It actually made me both happy and sad when I had this realization. After all, this is a very special Valentine's Day for us, and once again, he isn't here. I'm starting to sound like a broken record, aren't I?
Ten years ago this Saturday is the day that my husband asked me to marry him. I remember it like it was yesterday. We usually would spend the weekends together visiting my mom and stepdad in Melbourne, FL. They had a beautiful place, right off the beach and we loved to visit them there.
Most of my friends know that I am the morning glory in my family - up with the sun and happy about it. My husband, on the other hand, is the night owl who could, and would, sleep in until noon if I would let him. I knew that something was afoot on this particular weekend because he asked me to wake him so that we could go for a walk and watch the sunrise. Odd for him, but it pleased me. We often talked about how we had seen many sunsets together but not too often a sunrise.Plus, we both love the beach and it is so peaceful and beautiful first thing in the morning.
The next morning, I woke him up as promised and he got up and dressed without a complaint. he seemed fidgety looking back on it all and I remember feeling nervous. Deep down I guess I already realized that something momentous in my life was about to happen.
It was a gorgeous morning - clear, blue skies and warm but not hot. I love the beach and on Indiatlantic it is especially nice. There are lots of shells and the brown sugar surf is so soft under your feet. I lived my life there barefoot and this particular morning was no different.
We walked along in silence - hand in hand - for what seemed the longest time. We watched the most amazing sunrise all pink and orange blaze across the sky. I remember thinking that I couldn't tell where his hand ended and mine began and that I always wanted to feel that way. I never wanted to be someone's wife before, nor had I ever really wanted a husband. Personal experience had taught me that such ideals were antiquated and not necessarily positive relationships.
I remember walking over to some stairs on the beach and watching the sun come up. As we watched, I could feel something building up. Finally, he spoke to me. I'd love to tell you that I remember his exact words, but honestly, as I watched him ask me to be his life partner, I was stunned, speechless, nervous, THRILLED! So many emotions were racing through my mind that I couldn't focus on all the words that he said, but I certainly remember the most important ones!
I remember him asking me to be the love of his life, his life partner, his wife and in that moment, I could think of nothing else that I wanted to be more than that. From that day to this, no, long before that day to this, I have loved him with all my heart. Each day, each year doesn't diminish how much I love him but it grows and grows. When I look at him now, ten years later, I still see the man I saw on that beach. I still see his wicked smile, the intelligence and sensitivity behind his eyes, I still feel the gentleness of his hands.
How many Valentines Day's have I taken for granted and looked at as nothing more than the celebration of capatalism in a cynical world? This year, when he can't be here for me to share these things, an epiphany. Even though he can't be here today and he won't be here on Saturday, I know that he is always with me and hopefully, even though I haven't as yet expressed these thoughts in more than writing, deep down I know that his heart already knows.

A Kiss Shouldn't Be A Privilege

Recently, I was giving my two daughters, ages 9 and 5, an impromptu civics lesson. We were talking about rights and priviledges and the difference between the two. A right is a just claim or title, whether legal, prescriptive, or moral. For example, as Americans we all have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. While on the other hand, a privilege is defined as a right, immunity, or benefit enjoyed only by a person beyond the advantages of most.

So, what started out as a political discussion and lesson for them turned out, in fact, to be a lesson for me. My oldest daughter told me that she didn't think that most people understood the differences between the two concepts. To be fair, they are intricately related in many instances. I asked her to explain.

She said that she felt most people took their freedom for granted. They go about doing their day to day things, not really realizing all the things that they enjoy that so many others do not. Our very right to vote is something that is seen as expected and yet, women have only had the right to vote for about 90 years. People of all types, throughout the world, can not vote for a government of their choice.

Every day we exercise our rights to make decisions that impact our lives and the lives of our families. We do this without realizing that in some countries, the government tells them how much bread they can buy, or how long they have to wait in line for health care. Some countries even tell their people how to dress or what religion to practice. Not here! We have all these rights and exercise them without a thought.

Then, she brought it down to a very personal level. She said, "every night, my friends kiss their mom and dad goodnight. I can't. Something like kissing the person you love goodnight should be a right that every person has - not a privilege." You know what, she's right.

So today, as you go about your daily lives probably complaining about some inconvenience that a loved one has caused you, remember that not everyone can kiss those people that they love the most goodnight. Don't miss your opportunity to do so! Live every day with the people you love to the fullest. You'll never regret it if you do.

You know, I think that I am raising a very smart young lady....

Today, I feel Blessed

Sometimes the life of a Navy wife is hard. Those of you that have read my blog on occassion already understand that. But today, I just want to say how lucky I feel, because through it all, I am lucky.

My husband and I have been married for almost 10 years. We have been together for 13 years. It's strange looking back on that length of time. Sometimes it feels like a really long time and others, it feels as if it has just been a drop in the bucket. Time has changed both of us. We have grown up together, become parents together, life has changed us in many ways - mostly for the better.

Still, there are some things that haven't changed. When I look at him, I still see the man I married. I know I always will, even when we're old. When I catch sight of him on the pier as he comes home to me, my heart skips a beat and jumps for joy!
I would recognize his walk anywhere.

That lopsided smile of his still drives me crazy - even after 13 years. When I see him, my knees still get weak and I get butterflies in my stomache. When we are together, just doing nothing at all, I know true contentment.

Today, I feel lucky because some people never have these things. Or worse, they have them and over the passage of time, come to take them for granted.

Yes, there are some things about Navy life that are very difficult but I feel blessed that because of the life we lead, I will never take the one I love most for granted. I know I will always appreciate the smiles, the big bear hug, his hand in mine, the sound of his voice, the smell of his uniforms... all of that and a million other things, I will reflect on and treasure in my heart. That's why today, I feel blessed.

Things I Wish that I Could Change

I wish that I could go back to that Good Friday so long ago, and make my Dad eat his words. My Grandmother wasn't sick. My Grandmother didn't have Cancer and she wasn't dying.

I wish I could go back to that Easter, and keep him from telling me that my Grandmother passed in the night.

I wish that I could stop drawing the horse picture in my mind - the one that I spent hours working on to make my Grandmother feel better. It was returned to me, unopened. She never got it.

I wish I could go back and say goodbye. I never had the chance to. Sometimes I dream about her, and she's alive and wondering where I have been all these years. That's the hardest thing.

Ever since that day 28 years ago, Easter has never been the same. My life hasn't been the same. My Grandmother was my best friend. Before she died, I lived a charmed life, I didn't think that anything bad could ever happen to me. Then.... devastation.

I miss her every single day and I always think about how different my life would have been had she lived. I wish she could have met her great - granddaughters - each one of them have so much of her. My oldest has her eyes - my youngest shares her ( ok - OUR) quick temper and a name. I know that she would have doted on them.

It makes me so happy watching my mom with my children because it is almost like a brief window to the past. I'm a little girl again, that awful Easter has never happened - and there's my Grandmother. I am so glad that my children love my mom the same way that I loved my Grandmother.

Things I will Always be grateful for:
1. Her quick smile
2. Her flambouyant style.
3. All the card games she taught me.
4. Those days at the beach.
5. Her stories about the lizards and swimming with a full stomache.
6. The way she doted on my grandfather, but got angry with him sometimes too. She would let him get so far and then she would say, "Oh BULLSHIT John!"
7. I remember the way she used to talk in her sleep, some of my funniest memories are about that.
8. Whenever we went to visit, she would make us chips and dip. My sisters and I called it dippy cheese. I can remember the little egg shaped dishes she always put it in.
9. I can remember the way she smelled - Wind Song or Chanel No.5.
10. I will always be grateful for every second of every day that I had with my Grandmother. I miss her still. I miss her always.

In Honor of the Happiest Days of my Life

I woke up slowly, and as my eyes fluttered open, I could feel gentle rays of sunshine streaming on my face. As I become conscious, I could feel my baby moving inside me, greeting the dawn with me. I had such a sense of peace and contentment. As I stretched, I turned and reached for the man beside me. He was so handsome just laying there still asleep. He looked so peaceful. I remember his smile as he greeted me - warmer than the sun.

We spent the day together - contrary to popular opinion that the bride and groom should not see one another until the ceremony. That wasn't until 6 pm that night, and we didn't' want to be apart that long. At least, I know I didn't.

We had to pick up the flowers and the cake, we basically did the wedding ourselves. We got married at his sisters house - in her gazebo. It really was lovely. My mother in law handled the decor - sunflowers ( at my request) ribbon, etc.... My dress was white - but very free flowing and gypsy like. ( At 8 months along, it sort of had to be!)

I don't think I will ever forget walking down the stairs with my step-dad. I was so nervous. Then, I looked up, and I saw him standing there waiting for me and I knew, I just KNEW, that no matter what, everything was going to be alright. I'll never forget looking into those gorgeous eyes of his as I said my vows, and quietly listening as he said his. I felt the weight of the wedding band as he slipped it on my finger. When he kissed me, I knew it was going to be forever.

So, from now until eternity, March 11th will forever be the happiest day of my life. It is the day upon which, every other moment of happiness in my adult life depends. Without my husband, I wouldn't' have my beautiful daughters, this life we have worked so hard to build together. None of it would be possible.

So, true to my commitment - here are 10 things that I am thankful for today:
1. My husband's slow, sweet smile.
2. My husband's beautiful eyes that you can just drown in.
3. His sweet, gentle and generous manner.
4. I'm thankful for my lucky stars that were shining on the day that he said he loved me.
5. I'm thankful for our beautiful children.
6. I'm thankful for our wonderful home.
7. I thankful for the life that we have worked so hard to build - together.
8. I'm thankful for the way he makes me feel - still giddy after all these years - he can still make me blush with just a look.
9. I'm thankful that I have a partner that I can depend on and who believes in me.
10. I' m so thankful for the 9 years we have had together and I am thankful for the hope of many more.

Things that I learned from my Teddy Bear

When you think about it, there's a lot that you can learn about life and about being a good friend from a teddy bear. Here are a few things that I have learned.

1. Where you are isn't nearly as important as who you are with.
2. When communicating with a loved one, listening is much more important than talking.
3. There is nothing like the comfort that an old friend provides.
4. A bear hug goes a long way to changing a bad day.
5. Sometimes the most important part of being a friend, is just BEING THERE.
6. It's ok to let your inside stuffing show sometimes.
7. Love will change you, but it won't make you any less beautiful, in fact, it will make you more beautiful in the eyes of those who love you.
8. Everyone needs someone to hold on to.
9. There is no such thing as too many kisses, in the morning, in the middle of the night... time doesn't matter, only love does.
10. Someone has to keep their eyes open all the time!

If we all lived our lives like a teddy bear, I think that the world would be a pretty wonderful place.

Rants and Remembrances on Valentines Day...

So, I'm a little late. It's been a crazy week here. I had water in my basement 3 nights out of 7. Once was the heater, once was my washing machine and once was literally flooding from the deluge of rain we were getting. That's the way the week went, so I didn't have time, or the inclination to share my thoughts on Valentines day sooner.

Nine years ago, my husband took me for a walk on the beach. I knew something was up because he told me that he wanted to get up early and see the sun rise. (My husband is NOT an early riser, I am.) So, we woke up at 5:30 and headed for the beach. It was a beautiful morning in sunny central Florida. We walked along until we found a quiet place to spread our blanket and watch the sun rise. As the sun made it's first appearance on the horizon, my husband took my hand, got down on his knee, and asked me to be his best friend forever - his life partner. I will never forget that beautiful day.

Still, Valentines Day is not a favorite. The holiday itself seems so forced. Any other time of the year, you can get a beautiful bouquet of roses for $29.99 - $39.99. Of course on February 14th, some arbitrary date probably chosen by Hallmark, you can't touch roses for under $50, and that's cheap. I hate the obligatory card and flowers. I would rather have wild flowers, daisys, or sun flowers (my personal favorite) than roses. I would rather have a note, a love letter, a flower - just because than because someone said that February 14th is the "day for Lovers".

Part of my angst about Valentines Day is the fact that my husband is actually rarely around on that day. I think out of the 12 years we have been together, that we have made perhaps 4 Valentines Days together. That's a pretty sad commentary isn't it? It was the same this year. He missed it by a nose. He did leave notes for the girls and I, and a beautiful bouquet of daisies, but all in all, Valentines day seems to have lost that special allure.

I think that every day should be a special day to tell the ones we love how we feel about them, not just one day out of the year. It's like the song (sort of) says...." Don't save it all for Valentines day, give a little love everyday... Holidays have come and gone, but love lives on..." Take the opportunity today to tell your loved ones that you care. You'll be glad you did! I'm off to hug my daughters right now, and maybe play a game of Jenga!

I promised you an update!

Well, if you have been reading along, you will know that hubby and I headed off to a bed and breakfast this weekend. We have been back for several days but my daughters have been so consumed by playing on webkinz world that I have had limited access to the computer. GRRRRR.....

The house we stayed in, Another Second Penny Inn, was built in 1780. The house still has some of the original wood and beaming. We had a beautiful room with a fireplace and a whirlpool tub. One thing I really miss in our new home is not having a fireplace, so we really enjoyed being able to have a fire. It was also nice because Sunday night was the coldest night of the winter so far, so the fire made our room nice and cozy.

The Innkeepers - Sandra and Jim- who are just FABULOUS! - made snacks for us and stocked our room with water, cocoa, coffee, and anything else we may want! Sandra made these sinfully delicious cookies out of five ingredients ( flour, coconut, brown sugar, butter, and oats) They are the most delicious cookies and she was kind enough to give me the recipe. I am so excited about that! They also cooked an absolutely fabulous breakfast that we were served in the house's formal dining room. Our breakfast consisted of: lemon coconut muffins, grapefruit and citrus compote, egg and crab scramble, fresh juice, fresh coffee and home made sorbet. It was to die for!

Robbie and I loved the whirlpool tub but it was really quite the experience. The bubbles were - let's just say - vigorous. It was nice to soak in the tub together - with the bubbles off.... We had a wonderful weekend and it was just nice to be able to reconnect and spend some couple time without our children. I promised you all some more pictures of the room, so here they are. Most are of the bathroom because it was just so HUGE! ( Did I mention the SPA robes? Yeah, LOVED that!)

Our fireplace:


The Tubby:


If you are ever in this area and looking for a place to stay, Another Second Penny really was a wonderful experience!

The Gift of ONE MORE DAY....

"I wish to have no connection with any ship that does not sail fast; for I intend to go in harm's way. "

Yes, this morning I am grateful for the most precious of all gifts. The gift of ONE MORE DAY. One more chance to tell the people that I love how I feel about them. I know that there are so many out there that don't have this gift, so I could never justify taking this one for granted.
This morning I got to feel my husbands warm arms around me, feel his heartbeat against mine and whisper in his ear how much I love him. I was able to look into those big brown eyes and tell him how proud I am of him. I know what a precious gift this is. I know if tomorrow never comes I was able to say it ONE LAST TIME....
I am thankful for the ability to wake up my children this morning. I will look into their smiling faces, get their good mornings kisses, and have one more day to tell them how they each are the light of my life. Without my children, I would be nothing more than a shadow wandering hopelessly through life. They are my joy, my inspiration, they are my immortality. This morning I get to tell them how proud I am of them, how much joy they have brought to my life. As I do, I will thnk of those that can't do the same, and I will hug my children all the tighter as I thank the goodness of the universe for just ONE MORE DAY.
Today both my mom and dad are still with me. I still have time to say thank you for all they have given me in my life. I can tell them that I love them and I can listen to all their life stories..... I still have time to absorb their wisdom. I still have ONE MORE DAY.
ONE MORE DAY is the greatest gift that I will ever get, aside from the love of my family. Who do you have that chance for one more day with today? What will you do to make the most of it?
Thank you so much for my chance for one more day....

Godsped ~ Fair winds and a following sea....