Things I Wish that I Could Change

I wish that I could go back to that Good Friday so long ago, and make my Dad eat his words. My Grandmother wasn't sick. My Grandmother didn't have Cancer and she wasn't dying.

I wish I could go back to that Easter, and keep him from telling me that my Grandmother passed in the night.

I wish that I could stop drawing the horse picture in my mind - the one that I spent hours working on to make my Grandmother feel better. It was returned to me, unopened. She never got it.

I wish I could go back and say goodbye. I never had the chance to. Sometimes I dream about her, and she's alive and wondering where I have been all these years. That's the hardest thing.

Ever since that day 28 years ago, Easter has never been the same. My life hasn't been the same. My Grandmother was my best friend. Before she died, I lived a charmed life, I didn't think that anything bad could ever happen to me. Then.... devastation.

I miss her every single day and I always think about how different my life would have been had she lived. I wish she could have met her great - granddaughters - each one of them have so much of her. My oldest has her eyes - my youngest shares her ( ok - OUR) quick temper and a name. I know that she would have doted on them.

It makes me so happy watching my mom with my children because it is almost like a brief window to the past. I'm a little girl again, that awful Easter has never happened - and there's my Grandmother. I am so glad that my children love my mom the same way that I loved my Grandmother.

Things I will Always be grateful for:
1. Her quick smile
2. Her flambouyant style.
3. All the card games she taught me.
4. Those days at the beach.
5. Her stories about the lizards and swimming with a full stomache.
6. The way she doted on my grandfather, but got angry with him sometimes too. She would let him get so far and then she would say, "Oh BULLSHIT John!"
7. I remember the way she used to talk in her sleep, some of my funniest memories are about that.
8. Whenever we went to visit, she would make us chips and dip. My sisters and I called it dippy cheese. I can remember the little egg shaped dishes she always put it in.
9. I can remember the way she smelled - Wind Song or Chanel No.5.
10. I will always be grateful for every second of every day that I had with my Grandmother. I miss her still. I miss her always.

Some Thoughts On Firsts

My friend Tanya runs one of my favorite groups on Cafemom, it's called Soul Journey. Anyhow, a couple of days ago, she wrote a post about powerful first that happen in our lives and she wanted us to share. Tonight I wanted to share some firsts from my life that changed everything.

I can remember the first time I told him that I loved him. I had to do it in a letter. As usual, the words just wouldn't come any other way. He was my best friend. He had been for over three years and I was scared. You know, butterflies in the stomach, sweaty palms, and feeling like you are going to barf any minute scared. I was worried that he didn't feel the same way. I was concerned that by telling him how I felt, it would change our friendship forever and not for the better.

It all started with a song. Everyone that is important to me in my life has a song. Weird, I know but true. He asked what his song was. It's Who's Gonna Ride Your Wild Horses by U2. He asked me to explain, which I did in the letter. Here are some words from the song, for those who may not know it:
You're dangerous 'cause you're honest
You're dangerous, you don't know what you want
Well you left my heart empty as a vacant lot
For any spirit to haunt


You're an accident waiting to happen
You're a piece of glass left in a beach
Well, you tell me things I know you're not supposed to
Then you leave me just out of reach


Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna drown in your blue sea?
Who's gonna ride your wild horses?
Who's gonna fall at the foot of thee?

Well you stole it 'cause I needed the cash
And you killed it 'cause I wanted revenge
Well you lied to me 'cause I asked you to
Baby, can we still be friends?

Anyhow, I was the one who fell at his feet. I prostrated myself with words finally telling him how I felt and I waited breathlessly, hopelessly for his response, agonizing over whether I had done the right thing.

We went to the mall. I thought that had to be the kiss of death. He wanted to buy a shirt. So we went and got the shirt. We spent hours driving around, talking about everything and nothing all the while ignoring the elephant in the car so to speak. Finally, he mentioned the letter. " I read your letter", he said. He leaned over took my hand, looked into my eyes with those brown eyes of his and said, " I love you too." That night we had our first kiss. I will never forget it. It was on the beach. "You Took the Words Right Out of My Mouth" by Meatloaf was playing. That kiss was full of hope, promise, dreams, the future.... With that kiss, my life began. It was like being reborn.

From that day to this, my love for my husband has never wavered, never faltered. Yes, we have our arguments, disappointments, disagreements, but through it all he remains my twin flame, my other self. It's wonderful to think about these precious moments and reflect on them in my heart. I can never get those firsts back, but I think of the others that we have had, and still others yet to come.

All can be traced back to these. Sorry to wax poetic tonight, but he is weighing so heavily on my heart today. Wherever you are my darling Robert, I love you with all my heart, and I always will.