Seperate Lives

This weekend was a four day weekend and what a mixed bag. My husband was sick so most of the weekend was a wash. That said, I always enjoy spending time with my girls. We had a great time at the Memorial Day Parade ( their Brownie troop marched in the Parade) and today at the beach. The only downside to the beach was that all of us got a little too much sun. I need to get better about reapplying the sunscreen.

My husband was sick all weekend. Really sick, until today. He missed the Memorial Day parade - again this year - because he wasn't up to it. I actually told him he shouldn't come because he was so sick. On the one hand I was glad that he listened to some sense and rested, but on the other hand it sucked having him home and still not having him there. Today was Memorial Day and he had a "mandatory fun" event with the guys from his boat. Needless to say, since the children and I were not government issued to him with his sea bag, I don't feel compeled to attend so-called "mandatory" events. Still that just means that the children and I were off doing our thing and he was off doing his. Seperate lives - that's what it feels like sometimes.

I'm going to close my eyes, go to sleep and look forward to a better day tomorrow.

Disarray

I hate it when I feel life spiraling out of control. But honestly, when doesn't that happen? Even though I am OCD to the extreme, even I realize that control is just an illusion. Still, it is an illusion that I cling to.
Right now everything feels unorganized, starting with the laundry that I need to put away and spiralling all the way through my life and ending with my weak attempts to make plans for the summer. Everything in my life is on hiatus right now.
So far, my husband and I think we are staying where we are, but until he actually reports to his new job, anything can happen. At first, it looked like we were getting out of this hell hole that he calls a job a little early, only to find out that we are leaving at exactly the time we were told that we were. Ugh. I just want my husband off the boat and I surely don't want him going on sea trials with it. All of that is totally out of my control though.
I don't know what is going on with my father's illness. He is now halfway through his radiation treatments, and so far so good. Still, one of his legs is swollen and I am unsure if they are going to allow him to have any further, follow on treatment. I don't know what impact further treatment will have on his health and lifespan. One of my sisters was supposed to spend the last two weeekends there, but neither happened. I'm not really sure what is going on or when they will visit as planned. Both of my sisters kind of fly by the seat of their pants and that makes me absolutely crazy!!!!!
I am trying to plan a trip over the summer to take the children to visit my mom while I go and care for my Dad. My one sister works as an airline captain actually and she is also a full time single mom, so her life is crazy. The other doesn't work but she is just going, going, going all the time. Neither one seem to really understand the constrictions put on my life by my husband's crazy job. For example, I can't just get a babysitter to help and then leave my children here with him. I don't know what is going to happen from one day to the next at his job and things only appear to be getting worse. He is so stressed out and morale there seems, from the bottom up, to be at an all time low - just one more reason I can't wait to get off the boat. ( There was a time I never thought I would say that... Strange how things change)
My youngest has her ballet recital coming up this month. That means three days a week rehearsals, dress rehearsals, picture night, etc... It's wonderful but it also adds a lot of stress during an already stressful time. I guess I just better hang on because it looks like life is going to be like living on the edge of a black hole for a while.

Collateral Duty?

Most of you know from the tone of my posts the last couple of days that my husband is gone again. I believe our boat has something like a 78% sea to land ratio. In other words, they aren't home very much. I am so looking forward to some down time and shore duty that I can't even tell you!
I know that it's hard to be gone and work as hard as my husband does. That said though, it takes what, like five seconds to write an e-mail? Honestly? I haven't had a single e-mail since he left, which to be honest sadly isn't all that unusual. Still, it occassionally hurts when I hear from my friends who have gotten e-mails and even phone calls. It makes me feel like I'm not important enough for him to take five seconds out of his day.
Usually I am calm and rational enough to realize that this line of thinking is ridiculous, but this week, I have been anything but calm and rational. It's been one hell of an emotional rollercoaster on so many levels. It's been to such a degree that even my previous captain's wife was worried about me and called to check on me. God, I miss her.
Thankfully, I have such good friends on the boat. One of them told her husband to tell my husband to get off his tush and send me a flippin e-mail. ( Thanks Steph, you rock!!! And so does Chad!) So, I finally get an e-mail from my loving husband. He tells me he loves me and thinks of me always, that he's been busy with charts and he ends the e-mail with "I'm off to watch now so that Chad can get another of his collateral duties." When he gets home, he's going to find my floral combat boots up his collateral behind. E-mailing your wife isn't something someone else should need to even mention, let alone request on her behalf. Men! I love mine but he needs to get his priorities straight! I mean, I am much more important than successfully navigating a billion dollar nuclear powered submarine! ( and for those that don't know me, this is totally me poking fun at myself!)

Sometimes it Rains....

Life goes on in what seems like an ordinairy fashion and then... all of a sudden, a streak of bad luck hits. Maybe bad luck isn't exactly the right phrase, but a series of disasters strike. It's like quicksand, first one thing goes wrong, then another and then another, until, before you know it, you are in over your head.
I hate the quicksand moments but I had my most recent turn with it last week. It was a seemingly great week. My mom was coming to visit, I wasn't going to have to deal with the last crappy part of this deployment alone. I'm gearing up for my vacation and BAM! Disaster.
I was at a meeting last week and on the drive home my check engine light goes on. Well, that's the night I am supposed to get my mom. So I tinker with my husbands' car and get it working. Then I make an appointment for my car at the dealership. $200 dollars later, my o2 sensor and EGR valvue were fixed. Yuck.
No biggie though, right? Well, that night, I wake to what sounds like a jet engine landing in my basement. The fan on my vent for our heater, which we have been nursing for some time, finally decided to make it's last stand. Nice. So I call to have the guys come out and fix it, only to deal with little miss "I have a bad attitude" on the phone. Trust me, not what I needed. Actually, who the hell needs to deal with some woman being bitchy on the telephone?? DOesn't she get that if I'm calling for an emergency repair on my heater that my life is already bad enough??
Someone needs to buy her a clue. Long story short, my fan got fix, disaster averted -mostly. $1000 later, my week is finally over. Anyone know a good rock that I could hide under for the next six weeks or so??

Hectic or Peaceful?

Today someone asked me whether I preferred my life to be hectic or peaceful. To tell you the truth, I really hadn't realized that it was an option. I guess most people would probably say that they preferred a more tranquil life, but not me.

Time goes by faster when you are busy. When life goes from one event to the next, you don't have time to consider the days as the pass or how many of them have gone. When I sit down and think about it, it makes me sad. Yesterday was my birthday and yesterday, I sat down to think about all those days that have gone. 101 to be exact. 101 days since I last saw my husband. I guess to some that doesn't seem like so very long, but here, it is an eternity.

When I am caught up in the whirl of everyday life, I don't think about the time that has been lost. I guess that some people may even view it as wasted, but I don't. Every day life goes on. Some days are better than others, which in the light of events on the stock market yesterday is probably the understatement of the century. Still, we don't cease to live when bad things happen and so we must struggle forward.

I love it when I am so tired at the end of the day that all I have time to do is whisper a few words of gratitude to God before I fall into a deep and dreamless sleep. When I am busy, I don't have time to miss him. At least not as much as I do when I think about it. Who has time to dwell?

So I say to life - bring it on - the more the better! I want to live my life from one whirling activity to the next. Maybe when I feel whole again, I will slow it down and smell the roses. Until then.... I have about a million things to do!

It's that Pivotal Moment

First let me just say that I can't believe it has been this long since I have blogged. As a person who uses their writing to process.... going this long just seems wrong in some way. I have been swamped with work, and so tired at night that crawling into bed is about all I can do. Still, I realize that I need to make more time for myself and especially my writing, so here it goes...

I was thinking about pivotal moments the other day... you know, those moments where everything in your life changes. I have had a few in my life. I'm sure we all have.

I guess the first really major one that I remember was watching my kitten get abused. I know this will surprise the people who truly know me, but I was in an emotinoally and physically abusive relationship for five years. It didn't start out that way - it never does. I thought that I could change him. I believed that if I just showed him that love is constant that he would find the strength and the courage to change his life. I was so wrong. Things didn't get better for us - they just got worse. We met when I was 15 - young, niave and vulnerable. ( I wish that he could see the woman that I am today, the woman that I am in no small part because of what I suffered at his hands)
At any rate, I came home from work one day, and I found him and a friend abusing my kitten. My kittens name was Stripe and in a hopeless life, he was the one thing that gave me joy. As I watched the kitten get abused - I felt a well spring inside me - one that I didn't know existed. I immediately intervened and saved the kitten. For some reason, I knew that I had to save that small, helpless creature, but in reality, he saved me. For some reason, I could do for that kitten what I couldn't do for myself - WALK AWAY. I walked and though I looked back on occassion, the important thing is that I never turned around.

The pivotal moment of my life - the first time our eyes met across a crowded room. When my friend introduced me to him, I knew he would change my life forever, though I couldn't have at that moment, ever have imagined how. Three years later, I looked into those same brown eyes and promised to love him forever and I know that I will. No matter what happens, no matter what the future holds, this much I know is true.... my husband is the only man I have ever truly loved, and he is the only man I ever will truly love. That night that we meet- every second of my future balanced on that night, though I didn't know it then.

Since then I have watched him draw solar systems in the sand, seen him become a father, I have sent him off to war in places that I may never know.... We have grown up together and I hope to grow old together. But whatever the future holds for us, he is my soul mate - the only one I will ever have. Without that night all those years ago, I don't know where I would be today. Sad, lonely, unhappy all those things probably. Well, I guess it's just like the song says... "what's meant to be will always find a way" and I feel so blessed that it did.

There are so many days that each of us face that pivotal moment. Open up your heart and embrace them, because they truly do shape the future.

Tick Tock....

The girls and I made it safely to Pennsylvania. My mom was so right about the business class on the train. It was roomy and very comfortable. The girls were absolute angels. They were better than most adults on the train, no kidding.
You know, I hadn't realized how much I needed to slow down and take a break. Unfortunately, in conjunction with "slowing down", I have also realized just how much time is left and how slow time is actually moving. I miss my husband. I hate having him away from me. Still, the girls and I go on and do the best we can.
We have some fun events planned for while we are here. On Sunday, we are going on teh Gateway Clipper. That's a river boat cruise that tours the Three Rivers here in Pittsburgh. It is a Sundae on Sunday cruise ( Make your own sundae's...) so you know the kids are going to love it!
I finally relieved the stress of how we are going to get home so that is a really good thing. I have been wound so tight, it's amazing when it actually sat down and took time to realize it.
I knew that being out of my realm of control was going to be a rael challenge for me, but even I didn't realize just how much. I have my hands in too many cookie jars. I told my husband that my goal while he was gone was to stay as busy as possible while he was gone, and fall in bed exhausted every night. Mission accomplished at home, but it is all catching up with me here.
Tomorrow my sister and nephews arrive... who knows what their arrival will bring...

These Dreams of You and more...

I had a dream about my husband last night. It was one of those dreams - so deep and true that it feels like it must be real. It's horrible to wake up disappointed so early in the morning. It's wonderful to be with him, even if it was only a dream. I wonder where he is and whether he's thinking about me too.
It was a rough day today. Our friends are visiting from GA and seeing their friend with her Dad has hit the girls particularly hard. I feel like such a bad mom because I hadn't even realized that this may be a possibility.
Still, we got some time, just the three of us tonight and that was good. We went for a walk around our neighborhood. There have been a rash of baby bunnies around, and we were able to see several of them. It was really cute. The girls and I all enjoyed our visit.
I thought that July would be our longest month and thus far, it has been. Still, I'm not sure that August is promising to be any shorter. I'm looking forward to picking up our puppy, the start of school, and hopefully hearing my husband's sweet voice soon enough. Still, the phone calls make things worse in the short term. I guess it brings all the things that we are all missing more sharply into focus.

For my Robbie:
Last night I slept on a bed of stars

Wrapped safe in my lovers arms.

Now he's gone away so far,

And there's no one here to keep me warm.



Heaven is found when he is so near

His absence -a dark abyss.

I can't help hold back the tears,

I long for stolen moments like this.



The hours tick past and multiply,

Time moves so terribly slow.

I sit here and question why

Wishing he never had to go.



I long once more to see his smile,

To hold him in my embrace,

To have him once more cross the miles,

To see his handsome, beloved face.



So come home safe to our bed of stars,

Wrap me in your loving arms.

Never again go so far...

Stay here forever and keep me warm.

Why Does it Happen?

Sometimes I hate the transience of Navy life - the constant moving doesnt' do alot for building lasting friendships. I have many wonderful friends - scattered throughout the United States - but it doesn't really help me here in CT. Don't get me wrong, my local friends are awesome too, but I miss my sisters.

Heather is in Maryland. She is the sister of my heart. Like me though, she has a crazy life - four kids - a hubby - a job and we rarely get to talk these days. I know we are still as close as ever, but I do miss her. It's as much my fault as anyone else's. Sometimes it's just hard to pick up the phone.

My best friend Jenn moved back to GA almost a year ago now. We swore that we would talk all the time and remain close. Yes, we are still close, but we talk rarely at best. I'm not good at friendship maintenence and sometimes I think that this makes me a terrible friend. Jenn always tells me that to have good friends, a person has to be a good friend. Honestly I don't think that I do the long distance thing very well.

I can remember talking to my husband, a long time ago when we were still just friends, about why people seperate. I get it, we are all going through different things in our lives, different phases and sometimes we lose the ability to relate or the commonality that made us friends in the first place. It still makes me sad to think of the people drifting in and out of my life as I drift in and out of their's...

I haven't talked to Kate since she started back to school. I have called her a couple of times but somehow we can't seem to connect. I am dying to hear how she is doing, but sometimes, at the end of the day I'm so exhausted that I fall asleep without making the connection.

I guess by verbalizing this, I am making a promise to try and do better. To reach out to my friends more and let them know that I love and appreciate them. I don't want to wake up one morning and realize that they are all gone, all because I didn't say the words when I had the chance.

Keeping On... Keeping On... All the While, the Silence is Deafening

The thing I hate the most about my husband being gone? The silence. Most people don't realize what it is to not even be able to tell your husband that you love them - not even by e-mail, every day. There is no instant messaging, no two way phone, no nothing... just silence. That's my life for a large portion of the time that my husband is gone, and when he is silent, I worry.

I try every night to thank God for all the good things in my life, all the things that I have to be thankful for. It makes me feel good to accentuate the positive. I have my girls, so far they are having a wonderful summer and we are staying busy. We love going to the beach together, and thankfully, I have a fabulous and trustworthy babysitter. Things aren't too bad.

I have survived the first little while without some major disaster - knocking on wood profusely as I write this! All in all, things are not off to a bad start. I'm relieved.

Still, there are those moments when I am alone... working in the house and I look up and see his smile. My heart catches, my throat constricts, and.... it's just a picture. In that moment, the enormity of how long it will be just a picture hits.

I try to allow myself to feel what I feel. I like to end the day on a positive, as I said, and for the most part, I like to keep my days on a more positive than negative note. But sometimes, I need to cry. After I do, I pick myself up and life goes on.

Today, my oldest has her flying up ceremony. She will no longer be a Brownie, but instead, a junior girlscout. It's hard for me to believe. Even in a Navy town, I know it will only be a matter of minutes before some obtuse asshole asks me where my husband is. Still, with high hopes for a beautiful day together, my children and I head out the door.

Surreal

This whole week has been so surreal. I have looked at my husband's face - staring at him - trying to remember every freckle, every curve in his dimple when he smiles. I have felt his arms around me and tried to memorize the way my head fits against his shoulder.
For days - no, actually months now, I have put off thinking of the inevitable. I haven't faced the magnitude of the next several months alone. I won't get to see his face, hear his voice, feel his lips on mine... I hate it when he's away.
Sure, the kids and I survive. We focus on staying busy and doing fun things. That takes up my day, but at night, when I am all alone and the house is quiet around me, the magnitude engulfs me.
I know that I can do it - I can take care of the things that need to get taken care of. I can deal with being a temporarily, sort of, single mom. I just miss having my partner beside me to share my life.
I actually got to tell him last night how proud I am of him, and I even managed not to cry. I sent him off today with a smile, like I should, even though inside I was dying as he walked away.
I keep telling myself that every day from now on is one day closer to home. Now this difficult time has started, the goodbyes are over for now, and all that is left is the waiting. Still not my favorite aspect of being a Navy wife, but hey, homecoming is definitely something to look forward to, no matter how far away it is right now.

Looking for the Bubbles...

When you get disorientated under the water, you are supposed to check for the bubbles to see which way is up. Right now, in my life, I'm just looking for the bubbles because without them, I have no idea which way is up.
Life gets so hectic and crazy sometimes that all those little moments that make life magical seem to get lost in the shuffle. Here we are, caught up in the throwes of the latest goodbye, and all the little moments get lost in the shuffle of the checklist of "things to do."
I'm still waiting for my husband to get the phone calls to his family out of the way. I hate having that to look forward to. They always call at the worst possible time and then want to talk for hours.... My goodness, my nephew, who my husband hasn't even seen in over 3 years, has to say "goodbye" while my children wait patiently to get their time with their father. It's frustrating... and it's frustrating for him too. Still, nothing ever really changes.
I feel slightly less emotional this time as I wait for the inevitable. I guess in a short while the flood gates will open and I will be here all alone. It's better that way.
I hate feeling like world is spinning out of control, and I just want to hold up the "STOP!" sign. I'm looking forward to some sembelence of normal and balance to come back to my life, though I don't know what "normal" is most of the time, or when that may happen. I guess I will keep looking for the bubbles and try to figure out which way is up.

The Things that Matter... and the Things that Don't

Last night was my first official social event as Ombudsman. It was particularly stressful because our old ombudsman was given the task of making this event happen and then we switched halfway through... so it ended up being my task. The event was a kids and dad's craft night sponsored by our Fleet and Family Support. I know that I have many civilian readers out there - so basically we had counselors coming in to talk to the children about the upcoming deployment. They were discussing some of the feelings that the children might experience.
We didn't have a very good showing - only 2 dads and their kids - six children altogether. At first, I was a little disappointed, but then I started to think about the things that matter and the things that don't. Numbers don't matter quality matters.
I looked around at the children's faces... the way they were able to freely talk about their fears, their emotions and all the things they were going through WITH their dads... that was priceless. The counselor listed all the feelings that the children may be experiencing and asked everyone experiencing those feelings - like confusion, sadness, loneliness, pride, and others... to raise their hands. It was so moving to see those Dads raise their hands right along with their children.
I can honestly say that my children were able to connect with their dad in a way that I haven't seen in some time.
They made pillowcases for the children to use while the dads are deployed. Those pillowcases just brought tears to my eyes. The messages written on them were priceless - good luck in middle school, I love you, I'm so proud of you, I'll miss you ... so many emotions. The children did such an amazing job decorating them too, they really were beautiful.
Even though it wasn't a huge turnout, I am so proud to have been a part of this event. I know that the children that were there, really benefited and to me, that is what is truly important.

Homefires....

I am working hard to keep the homefires burning bright, but it gets harder and harder with no relief in sight.

I hate only having e-mail and the occassional phone call to cling to, but I know it's better than nothing. Still, lately it has been practicially nothing. I've reveieved one e-mail from my husband. Now I know that he is working hard and getting little sleep, I get it. What worries me is the time ahead. Is this all that I can look forward to for six long months?

Love's a heavy weight and I don't think that I can carry it all alone. I can't keep the homefires burning for both of us. He has to do his part too. I'm not sure he gets it. I'm not even sure he cares.I sat down and wrote a list - 10 things that would make my life easier while you're gone. I'm not going to give it to him. Why bother? I'm not sure he would read it, it may even seem ungrateful. I have a terrible habit of always coming across in the wrong way when talking to my husband. It usually never goes well.

Here's my list - I have to share it with someone, even if it is just myself.
1. Please leave plenty of emergency reserves so that I don't have to worry. The car may need something, my washer is as old as our oldest child and both the refrigerator and the microwave are on the fritz. It's only a matter of time...
2. The price of gas is killing me. Please increase my monthly budget to allot for this. This will be the first 'raise' in 5 years.
3. Please check the shutters, gutters and roof. I don't want anything flying off while you are gone and you know how bad the wind here gets.
4. Please forget about getting the lawnmower fixed and let me keep the lawn boys.
5.Occassionally think about the girls and I - an e-mail once a week just isn't cutting it, especially when I know there will be times that I won't even get that.
6. Plan ahead. Did you ever think that I might like a little something for halfway night? A love letter would be great - it doesn't have to be something you buy. Tell me how you feel, that would be the greatest gift you could give me.
7. I am running on empty emotionally. Fumes.... how will they get me through this long time ahead?
8. Tell me that you love me so I don't have to worry while you are gone. Tell me that you'll do your best to be safe, because if you haven't figured out that when you leave my heart goes with you... well, you aren't as smart as I know you are.
9. Fill out all proper legal papers.
10. Must have POA's for everything. I can't function any other way. How can I do the job you expect me to if I don't have to the tools?

Really I just want to say... Don't go. Like Rose in the Titanic as she is about to be swallowed by the Ocean - Don't go. Stay here with me. I know he can't. I know he has to go. I know it's my job to send him with a smile. God, can you imagine - a smile? How will I do that? I don't think I will be able to smile for the next long time.... Good thing it's summer or my face could freeze with this unhappy look. Somehow, I have got to keep it together for myself, my children, for him, for all the people counting on me... Shit. Guess I'll have to put off the breakdown indefinitely....

Ok, the pity party is over for now. I feel better already and now, I must face the day. Another day, without him. Memorial day - yet just another day. One more day and one more day and one more day... I feel like the little engine who could - maybe if I tell myself it often enough, I really will survive the next little while.

Dealing With Issues - Why Can't I Just Let it Go?

I am on the edge of a cliff facing the great abyss, the chasm of the long goodbye. Every time i feel like I will handle it better this time, I'm more prepared, I can DO this. Yet every time I feel engulfed by all the same emotions: despair, hopelessness, loss of control and so much more. I feel like there are so many emotions bottled up inside me that if I have to deal with just one more, I'm going to explode.
In order to be prepared to do the things that I am going to need to do, I have to first deal with my own issues. Sometimes I feel at a loss as to how I will even do that. At times I feel so overwhelmed that I grasp for even a place to start. I guess I have to come to terms with my own issues and my own feelings first before I can deal with other issues or help others with their emotions.
So here's the thing. I'm hurt, devastatingly so, and I'm angry. I have all these emotions pent up and memories from last year that I thought I had dealt with and moved on from which are apparently still there somehow, like a splinter in my heart that is just festering.
I have all this anger - rationally I know that I shouldn't, but I do. I feel angry that my husband is leaving, even though I know that this is out of his control. I feel angry that so much of our time is shared and we have so little of it to begin with, and worse, I feel angry when he's tired all the time. He makes an effort to spend time with me, but honestly it's like being with a zombie - someone who is only half there. I sense this and I get mad. I get mad because I feel like I shouldn't have to feel second best or take second place, though rationally, I know that for right now at least, I must.
Do you see my conundrum? I GET that what I feel isn't right, isn't rational, but I can't stop feeling it and I can't change it. I WANT TO CHANGE IT, but I just don't know how to let all these feelings go.
Every cruel word - even those I know he didn't mean - they all weigh on my heart. Every careless comment like how it wasn't "worth it" for me to travel to see him, they each weigh on my like a planet of pain and regret. As I said in the past, I know that my man is not the "throw caution to the wind" type, but once, just once - because he loves me, I wish that he would.
I pour my heart out, in letters, in pictures, in blogs and I wonder: does he see? Does he know? Does he understand that it kills me to watch him walk away? Especially knowing that my job is to watch him go with a smile on my face. It seems like an impossible tasks.
How can I let these feelings go? How can I take the anger out of my life that is eating me and my marriage like a poison from inside? I just don't know the answers and I feel like I'm just groping in the dark. Still, I keep searching for a way to find the light. Any thoughts? Suggestions?

Polaris

I know that Mother's Day was two days ago now, but I wanted to honor my mother and today seemed like the perfect day to do so. Polaris - that may seem like a strange title for a post about someone's mother, but it isn't. That is what my mother has been in my life, my constant, the North Star.
I wish I could say that I was always the perfect child who did everything in the manner that I should, but that would be a lie. My teenage years were very troubled. It was a difficult time in my life that began really when my grandmother died and sank further on the slippery downward spiral when my parents divorced. None of my actions are their fault, I made my own choices. I try to own up to the choices that I made.
I hurt my mother in so many ways, disappointed her, worried her and caused her an untold amount of grief - all to my everlasting shame. When I was young, I thought I understood life. I thought that I knew it all, and that I had nothing left to learn from my mother. Lucky for me, in her wisdom, she knew better. All through the lies, the pain, and the terror that was those dark years of my life, my mother's love was there - shining like the North Star, pointing my way back home. All I had to do was look up, reach out and see her there - loving me no matter what.
It's hard to believe that my mother made it through those years, still loving me. But, somehow, she did. My life didn't get better over night, but, slowly but surely through her patience, I made my way back.
When I had a child of my own, I finally understood how little about life that I actually knew. When I became a mother, I finally understood the pain that I had caused to a heart that did nothing but love me. I tell my mother often how sorry I am about those years and those times, and I try to show her how much I love her. I know though, that no apology or amount of love could ever repay the unconditional faith and love that she had for me all those years.
I guess the greatest tribute that I can pay to my mother, is to try to be Polaris for my own daughters. I hope that they won't make the same mistakes that I have made in my life, but if they do, I will be there loving them and hoping to guide them safely home.
Mom, I know I don't say it often enough - but THANK YOU, so much.... for EVERYTHING. You really are my hero, my inspiration and everything good that I may be is a mother, is all because you taught me the way with your love.

Faith Vs. Trust

I just finished Ombudsman training last week. Whew, what a week it was. I had training every night from 5:30- 9:30, and the topics that we discussed were so beyond anything I even anticipated. I am by no means a new Navy wife, hubby has been in for 13 years, and I have been "in" with him, for 8, (9 actually, but I feel guilty counting school time...) yet even I was surprised by how much more that I could learn.
I realized that accepting this responsibility would be a big job, but I had no idea how big. One night, our instructor came in, slammed the door and YELLED," This is an emergency, there's a submarine down, presumed LOST." That is the moment that it hit me, if the unimaginable happened, I would be one of the first people to get that call. That was a really hard pill for me to swallow.
You may be wondering what all this has to do with faith and trust. Well, it was actually my graduation ceremony from Ombudsman training that got me thinking about this. Our boat's captain was there to see me graduate, and my husband and children were there as well. After the ceremony, the Captain gave me a Commanding Officer coin with our ship's logo on it, a token for accepting this responsibility. Collecting this coins is the new "thing" around here - it's a really big deal to receive one.
My husband received a coin the same night. Now, here's what got me thinking, he received his coin for a years worth of very hard work. I received mine for what the captain believes I WILL do. It's daunting when you think about that. My husband earned his coin, I haven't yet. Our captain has every reason to trust in my husband's duty, devotion, hard work and ability. All he is going on with me is faith.
It's my job to help take care of all the families on our boat while our sailors are deployed, and knowing just a little about me, our captain put his faith in me. It's humbling. I truly hope that I will live up to his expectations and give him reason to trust in my ability, as my husband has. I hope that I will make my husband proud, but most of all, I hope that I will be able to help those that need it when the time comes.
I'm praying that won't be at 3 am to a phone call saying that something terrible has happened to our boat. Scary.

Are You Up to the Challenge?

I've been doing a lot of talking about books lately. I found what I thought was this awesome site called the 50 book challenge. It's a place where you talk about and critique the books you have read. The only thing is, the members aren't very nice. The only time they comment on your thoughts is to let you know your graphics are too large for their Dial up or to spell check you. ( Sorry, I'm a mom who does most of my writing very early in the morning, occasionally spelling mistakes happen. Ugh.)
So, since I loved the idea so much, I started a group on Cafe mom for any of you who may want to join in. The idea is to read 50 books in a year. Here's what's cool though - YOU pick the books. It can be any book you want. There isn't a length requirement. There won't be any scripted questions to "make you think" or lead a discussion on the subject matter as with other book clubs. There is only you, your choices and your thoughts on them.

I created this group because I love to read, and I love to see what others are reading. Just click on the new banner above to get to the group. One word of caution to my male members - you will be asked to join Cafemom. If you are interested in participating, and I would love to have you, I highly suggest creating a "female persona" to join as some women haven't come as long a way as they say they have. Discrimination is rampant on the Cafe against any human being that happens to have a penis. I have no such qualms.... I actually enjoy that half of the population - most of the time. :)

Another Interesting Study... When We Say NO, They Hear Yes

So a communications professor just did some interesting ( and very unscientific) research at UC Davis. He canvased the campus asking over 1000 men and women what different phrases in their relationship meant to each of them. He spent a lot of time talking about what a man hears when a woman says no. Interestingly enough - the majority of those interviewed seemed to think that no meant - "get busy because I'm tired" or that no means " maybe, I just need a little convincing."

Some other interesting miscommunications between men and women?
She says, " I'm invovled with someone else." He hears, " I still want to hook up with you, just discreetly".
She says, " I just want to be friends". He hears, " I still want to have sex with you, just no committment."

Communication between the sexes is a minefield. I'd be the first one to admit that there is a lot going on between what a woman says and what she is also communicating on a unspoken level. That said though, my husband knows when I say, "I tired" it doesn't mean "Try harder" or "convince me" it means - "That isn't happening tonight. Period."

Why do we - women and men - read so much into what one another is saying that may or may not be there? Guys, for your own protection, if you are with a woman and she says no, assume she means NO. Any other thought on your part can lead to some very serious repurcussions. These types of studies just reflect how rare candor is in our society, especially in the dating pool.

For all you men out there, here's a translation of what a woman really means. Ladies, I think you will enjoy this too:
Nine Dangerous Words Women Use

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with Nothing usually end in Fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about Nothing. (Refer back to 3 for the meaning of Nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That's Okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying SCREW YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's wrong?' For the woman's response refer to 3.

"I'm so Tired..."

I'm so tired of hearing "I'm so tired." My husband works his ass off for his family. I know it, I understand it, and I certainly appreciate it. He works long hours and his job is very stressful sometimes. (Most of the time) I can look at his face when he comes home from work and I know that he's bushed. He doesn't need to tell me. I hate it when he tells me.

Every day I think to myself, tonight we'll do something fun together. We'll have some deep conversation. We'll have a political debate. Maybe we'll even make love.... I think of all these things that we are going to do and then.... he comes home and says, "I'm so tired." None of these things are going to happen. Why try? Especially in the love department, when my man is tired, he just needs his sleep. Anything else is going to end badly, usually with me frustrated and him hurt and upset. It just isn't worth it.

I know I shouldn't complain, but the fact is that if I'm not venting him, I'm bitching to him. I feel bad bitching to him so I just need to get it out. I'm tired of feeling deprived. I'm tired of my husband being gone for MONTHS at a time. I'm just so tired.....

Honestly, my life is wonderful in most aspects. I know my husband loves me. I have two beautiful little girls, and I feel so priviledged to be their mother. I live in a beautiful house, with a beautiful garden. My husband is even thinking about putting in a pool. Sometimes though, I just miss my partner who seems to be gone more and more of the time, even when he should be here with me, and that makes me feel really sad.