Dotting the I's and Crossing the T's

Well, our vacation is finally upon us and I am busy making sure that everything is ready here for our departure. By everything, I mean everything with the job because my house and my yard are clearly NOT READY! I feel like I have a million and one things to do and yet here I am... blogging. Oh well, first things first, right?
I have to turn over the info for my job, in case something happens while I am gone that can't be handled from afar. I have several meetings this am. (It's good to have a babysitter!)
The laundry is sitll in a pile, the weeds are taking over my flower beds and sadly, nothing of any real importance has been done lately. Oh wait, I did stain the front stoop a week or so ago - it looks so much better now. But there is so much more to do. My beds need changed, the garage needs cleaned, the bathrooms need done, is there anything worse in the whole world than coming home to a dirty house??
Thankfully I still have a few days and my mom will be here to help! I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed.

These Dreams of You and more...

I had a dream about my husband last night. It was one of those dreams - so deep and true that it feels like it must be real. It's horrible to wake up disappointed so early in the morning. It's wonderful to be with him, even if it was only a dream. I wonder where he is and whether he's thinking about me too.
It was a rough day today. Our friends are visiting from GA and seeing their friend with her Dad has hit the girls particularly hard. I feel like such a bad mom because I hadn't even realized that this may be a possibility.
Still, we got some time, just the three of us tonight and that was good. We went for a walk around our neighborhood. There have been a rash of baby bunnies around, and we were able to see several of them. It was really cute. The girls and I all enjoyed our visit.
I thought that July would be our longest month and thus far, it has been. Still, I'm not sure that August is promising to be any shorter. I'm looking forward to picking up our puppy, the start of school, and hopefully hearing my husband's sweet voice soon enough. Still, the phone calls make things worse in the short term. I guess it brings all the things that we are all missing more sharply into focus.

For my Robbie:
Last night I slept on a bed of stars

Wrapped safe in my lovers arms.

Now he's gone away so far,

And there's no one here to keep me warm.



Heaven is found when he is so near

His absence -a dark abyss.

I can't help hold back the tears,

I long for stolen moments like this.



The hours tick past and multiply,

Time moves so terribly slow.

I sit here and question why

Wishing he never had to go.



I long once more to see his smile,

To hold him in my embrace,

To have him once more cross the miles,

To see his handsome, beloved face.



So come home safe to our bed of stars,

Wrap me in your loving arms.

Never again go so far...

Stay here forever and keep me warm.

"Sisters"

A couple of weeks ago, I went on a "mom's night out" with some of my friends from my real life book club. You know, I love those ladies but the evening itself can only be described as painful. There was a lady with us who is not usually a part of the group. She's a warm, wonderful person... but, well, she just lives a very different life than mine and while I can relate to hers, throughout the course of the evening it became painfully obvious that none of them there could really relate to mine.
This particular woman, we'll call her "Trish", was bemoaning the fact that her husband was on a business trip. For the better part of three hours, I listened to her complain about how he was gone and what in the world was she going to do with her kids? I calmly asked her how long he was going to be gone. Her reply... " Three whole days!!!"
At this point, the urge to bitch slap her into reality was nearly overwhelming, but then thankfully the rational part of my brain took over. You see, I can do three frakking days on my head! But rationally, I realize that everyone brings to their lives their own perspective. I get that for her, three days may really have been a long time. Though why "dealing" with her children for "three whole days" was so difficult still remains a mystery....
Sadly, Trish didn't end her thoughts there. The ladies invited me to a casino with them, but it was getting late, the babysitter was waiting and frankly, I wasn't having a very good time, so I bailed. I told them I had to get home to the sitter, which was true. Trish then says, "where is your husband?" So I explain that he is Navy, currently underway and getting ready to deploy. Period. That's just my life - stated matter of factly. I don't need or want their pity. But at this point Trish says, "Oh you poor thing! Six, L-O-N-G, L-O-N-E-L-Y, months. What will you DO? How will you manage? I could NEVER be a Navy wife, I'm too selfish!" Well, that's like implying that I don't mind when the Navy takes my husband. I do, but that's my life, I knew it when I signed up for it, and really, last time I checked the Navy doesn't give a shit about my opinion, they just take my husband on the day and hour appointed. End of story.

Fast forward to last night. I went out on another "mom's night out". This time with the ladies from our boat. We got together to celebrate one of the ladies birthdays so she didn't have to celebrate alone. We went to Applebees and had a fabulous time. Everyone was laughing and sharing... everyone was relating. Each woman there, even those I didn't know very well, felt like a sister to me. Every single one of them "gets" my life - the reality of my life. They don't offer pity - they don't want it any more than I do. They just offered love, laughter, support and most of all understanding.

They all get that sometimes my children misbehave and I yell, maybe louder than I should. They all understand the 45 minute crying jag in the garage because you don't want your children to hear. They all understand the hope when you check your e-mail and the disappointment when there is nothing there fromthe person you long to hear from. They get the worry, the fear, the anxiety that I feel. They just get it and for once, just knowing that I was in their company and seeing them shake their heads as I was talking... well, it was enough. And that's a really good feeling.

Surreal

This whole week has been so surreal. I have looked at my husband's face - staring at him - trying to remember every freckle, every curve in his dimple when he smiles. I have felt his arms around me and tried to memorize the way my head fits against his shoulder.
For days - no, actually months now, I have put off thinking of the inevitable. I haven't faced the magnitude of the next several months alone. I won't get to see his face, hear his voice, feel his lips on mine... I hate it when he's away.
Sure, the kids and I survive. We focus on staying busy and doing fun things. That takes up my day, but at night, when I am all alone and the house is quiet around me, the magnitude engulfs me.
I know that I can do it - I can take care of the things that need to get taken care of. I can deal with being a temporarily, sort of, single mom. I just miss having my partner beside me to share my life.
I actually got to tell him last night how proud I am of him, and I even managed not to cry. I sent him off today with a smile, like I should, even though inside I was dying as he walked away.
I keep telling myself that every day from now on is one day closer to home. Now this difficult time has started, the goodbyes are over for now, and all that is left is the waiting. Still not my favorite aspect of being a Navy wife, but hey, homecoming is definitely something to look forward to, no matter how far away it is right now.

Homefires....

I am working hard to keep the homefires burning bright, but it gets harder and harder with no relief in sight.

I hate only having e-mail and the occassional phone call to cling to, but I know it's better than nothing. Still, lately it has been practicially nothing. I've reveieved one e-mail from my husband. Now I know that he is working hard and getting little sleep, I get it. What worries me is the time ahead. Is this all that I can look forward to for six long months?

Love's a heavy weight and I don't think that I can carry it all alone. I can't keep the homefires burning for both of us. He has to do his part too. I'm not sure he gets it. I'm not even sure he cares.I sat down and wrote a list - 10 things that would make my life easier while you're gone. I'm not going to give it to him. Why bother? I'm not sure he would read it, it may even seem ungrateful. I have a terrible habit of always coming across in the wrong way when talking to my husband. It usually never goes well.

Here's my list - I have to share it with someone, even if it is just myself.
1. Please leave plenty of emergency reserves so that I don't have to worry. The car may need something, my washer is as old as our oldest child and both the refrigerator and the microwave are on the fritz. It's only a matter of time...
2. The price of gas is killing me. Please increase my monthly budget to allot for this. This will be the first 'raise' in 5 years.
3. Please check the shutters, gutters and roof. I don't want anything flying off while you are gone and you know how bad the wind here gets.
4. Please forget about getting the lawnmower fixed and let me keep the lawn boys.
5.Occassionally think about the girls and I - an e-mail once a week just isn't cutting it, especially when I know there will be times that I won't even get that.
6. Plan ahead. Did you ever think that I might like a little something for halfway night? A love letter would be great - it doesn't have to be something you buy. Tell me how you feel, that would be the greatest gift you could give me.
7. I am running on empty emotionally. Fumes.... how will they get me through this long time ahead?
8. Tell me that you love me so I don't have to worry while you are gone. Tell me that you'll do your best to be safe, because if you haven't figured out that when you leave my heart goes with you... well, you aren't as smart as I know you are.
9. Fill out all proper legal papers.
10. Must have POA's for everything. I can't function any other way. How can I do the job you expect me to if I don't have to the tools?

Really I just want to say... Don't go. Like Rose in the Titanic as she is about to be swallowed by the Ocean - Don't go. Stay here with me. I know he can't. I know he has to go. I know it's my job to send him with a smile. God, can you imagine - a smile? How will I do that? I don't think I will be able to smile for the next long time.... Good thing it's summer or my face could freeze with this unhappy look. Somehow, I have got to keep it together for myself, my children, for him, for all the people counting on me... Shit. Guess I'll have to put off the breakdown indefinitely....

Ok, the pity party is over for now. I feel better already and now, I must face the day. Another day, without him. Memorial day - yet just another day. One more day and one more day and one more day... I feel like the little engine who could - maybe if I tell myself it often enough, I really will survive the next little while.

Dealing With Issues - Why Can't I Just Let it Go?

I am on the edge of a cliff facing the great abyss, the chasm of the long goodbye. Every time i feel like I will handle it better this time, I'm more prepared, I can DO this. Yet every time I feel engulfed by all the same emotions: despair, hopelessness, loss of control and so much more. I feel like there are so many emotions bottled up inside me that if I have to deal with just one more, I'm going to explode.
In order to be prepared to do the things that I am going to need to do, I have to first deal with my own issues. Sometimes I feel at a loss as to how I will even do that. At times I feel so overwhelmed that I grasp for even a place to start. I guess I have to come to terms with my own issues and my own feelings first before I can deal with other issues or help others with their emotions.
So here's the thing. I'm hurt, devastatingly so, and I'm angry. I have all these emotions pent up and memories from last year that I thought I had dealt with and moved on from which are apparently still there somehow, like a splinter in my heart that is just festering.
I have all this anger - rationally I know that I shouldn't, but I do. I feel angry that my husband is leaving, even though I know that this is out of his control. I feel angry that so much of our time is shared and we have so little of it to begin with, and worse, I feel angry when he's tired all the time. He makes an effort to spend time with me, but honestly it's like being with a zombie - someone who is only half there. I sense this and I get mad. I get mad because I feel like I shouldn't have to feel second best or take second place, though rationally, I know that for right now at least, I must.
Do you see my conundrum? I GET that what I feel isn't right, isn't rational, but I can't stop feeling it and I can't change it. I WANT TO CHANGE IT, but I just don't know how to let all these feelings go.
Every cruel word - even those I know he didn't mean - they all weigh on my heart. Every careless comment like how it wasn't "worth it" for me to travel to see him, they each weigh on my like a planet of pain and regret. As I said in the past, I know that my man is not the "throw caution to the wind" type, but once, just once - because he loves me, I wish that he would.
I pour my heart out, in letters, in pictures, in blogs and I wonder: does he see? Does he know? Does he understand that it kills me to watch him walk away? Especially knowing that my job is to watch him go with a smile on my face. It seems like an impossible tasks.
How can I let these feelings go? How can I take the anger out of my life that is eating me and my marriage like a poison from inside? I just don't know the answers and I feel like I'm just groping in the dark. Still, I keep searching for a way to find the light. Any thoughts? Suggestions?

Faith Vs. Trust

I just finished Ombudsman training last week. Whew, what a week it was. I had training every night from 5:30- 9:30, and the topics that we discussed were so beyond anything I even anticipated. I am by no means a new Navy wife, hubby has been in for 13 years, and I have been "in" with him, for 8, (9 actually, but I feel guilty counting school time...) yet even I was surprised by how much more that I could learn.
I realized that accepting this responsibility would be a big job, but I had no idea how big. One night, our instructor came in, slammed the door and YELLED," This is an emergency, there's a submarine down, presumed LOST." That is the moment that it hit me, if the unimaginable happened, I would be one of the first people to get that call. That was a really hard pill for me to swallow.
You may be wondering what all this has to do with faith and trust. Well, it was actually my graduation ceremony from Ombudsman training that got me thinking about this. Our boat's captain was there to see me graduate, and my husband and children were there as well. After the ceremony, the Captain gave me a Commanding Officer coin with our ship's logo on it, a token for accepting this responsibility. Collecting this coins is the new "thing" around here - it's a really big deal to receive one.
My husband received a coin the same night. Now, here's what got me thinking, he received his coin for a years worth of very hard work. I received mine for what the captain believes I WILL do. It's daunting when you think about that. My husband earned his coin, I haven't yet. Our captain has every reason to trust in my husband's duty, devotion, hard work and ability. All he is going on with me is faith.
It's my job to help take care of all the families on our boat while our sailors are deployed, and knowing just a little about me, our captain put his faith in me. It's humbling. I truly hope that I will live up to his expectations and give him reason to trust in my ability, as my husband has. I hope that I will make my husband proud, but most of all, I hope that I will be able to help those that need it when the time comes.
I'm praying that won't be at 3 am to a phone call saying that something terrible has happened to our boat. Scary.

Whose Time Table Am I On Anyway?

Do you ever get the feeling that you do everything in someone else's time? Never when it may please you to do something, but always instead when it can be done or when it must be done. Lately this seems to be the story of my life and I hate it. I hate feeling like anything and EVERYTHING in my life is at someone else's convenience.

My friend says that this is the way with everyone. We shop when the stores are open, we go to work when we are told. Yes, I do shop when the stores are open - but within my own time constraints. With my husband and his job, I feel like everything we do is on someone else's terms.

We celebrate holidays and birthdays - not necessarily when we should as other people do - but when we can. Christmas isn't always on December 25th for us. Last year it was, but the year prior it was actually December 17th. Close enough for government work, I guess.

My whole life revolves around the convenience and happiness of others. It's frustrating to say the least. Even my sex life goes according to my husband's work schedule. Saturday night for instance is usually a very good night. The thing is, what happens when Saturday night rolls around and I am not so inclined? Well, in all honesty, I usually acquiesce... who knows when the opportunity will present itself again?

I am just angry and frustrated. I would have thought that after all these years together, this predeployment build up wouldn't apply to us. We wouldn't go through the fear of seperation, the anxiety about the loss, the anger/fear/ resentment. Haven't we been through this enough times now? Suprisingly, it is as if we are going through it all for the first time. Here I am, just like a new Navy wife, going through all the same fears and uncertainties that I have faced and conquered so many times in the past.

I want to get through this - hold my family together. Still, just once in a while, I would like to do things in my own sweet time, not at the convenience of others. It doesn't seem like a lot to ask, does it? I am looking forward to moving thought this stage of predeployment and working my way to where I can be stable and ok again. I hate the anger and resentment I sometimes feel, especially when, rationally, I know it isn't my husbands fault. Anyone else out there ever feel like everything they do is on someone else's timetable?

A Hero's Welcome

No, it wasn't exactly a ticker tape parade - it was just dessert night at our children's classroom. Some time ago, I wrote a journal about a little boy that my daughter was having some issues with in her classroom, it was entitled "The Hidden Cost of War." It turned out that little Jimmy's behavioral issues stemmed predominantly from the fact that his Daddy was deployed to Iraq and Jimmy was rightly scared and angry about it.

In the months that followed, my daughter and Jimmy have become great friends. They have a lot in common - with both of their father's being military. Sporty understands when Jimmy is sad, afraid and sometimes even angry. She has felt all these things too. She fears for her Daddy when he is gone - she worries for his safety. She is afraid that something bad will happen... sometimes she even asks me if her Daddy is going to die. On rare occasions, like when her best friends moved away, she even gets angry. So, Sporty and Jimmy, they were a good fit because they can relate to one another on so many levels that ordinary children just don't understand.

Tonight was "Dessert Night" at school. All the children were to bring a special dessert to share and proudly display all their work from the last semester for their families. It was an especially exciting night for me as I was looking forward to seeing all of Sporty's work, as well as seeing all the work of the other children that I had helped during writers workshop.

Little by little, the parents trickled in. In the haze of confusion, I notice Jimmy come marching into the room. ( He almost always "marches" - like a soldier) Tonight though, there was something different about Jimmy. He was smiling and his eyes were so full of joy, before I knew it, right behind Jimmy stepped a huge man into the room that I had never seen before. I didn't need an introduction to know that this was the man who Jimmy was so proud of.

As the night went on, parents mingled throughout the room. I took my opportunity to introduce myself to Jimmy's father. " Mr. Tulley? I am Mrs. Schultz. My daughter sits next to your son and they have gotten quite close this year. I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for what you have done and wish you a very warm welcome home!" Do you know, tears actually came to his eyes.

He told me that he had heard all about Sporty and what good friends our children had become. He thanked me for offering to help his wife while he was away. He told me about the horrors of the war. He said that he actually would tell people that he was just home from Iraq - just to hear them say "Welcome Home." Thank you was and is apparently an alien concept to most.

I was proud of Sporty, when the night was over she gave him a big hug and said, "Mr. Tulley, I just wanted to say thank you so much for all you did to protect us. I'm really glad you're home." At least my 8 year old gets it.

As we talked, I relayed to Jason ( that's his name) that my husband was also active duty. Do you know what his big concern was? He was concerned with making sure that the children and I had everything we need. He said, "If you need ANYTHING, you don't hesitate to call. I'm real handy and I'll be glad to help." Once a hero, always a hero, I guess.

So the point is, he didn't get the ticker tape parade that his service and sacrifice rightly demand, but he did have a nice welcome home and the smile on his sons face - worth more than a thousands parades. Now if only we could end this war and bring all our loved ones home...

What's Wrong with Hollywood?

Ok so Veterans day is just a few days away and it really has me thinking.... Scary, I know! What is wrong with Hollywood? Why are they so willing to portray the worst in our country? Why are they so willing to portray the worst about our military?

In my father's day, Hollywood actually supported the military and the war effort. That is nearly impossible to imagine now. These days we have movies like Rendition- New Line Cinema will release “Rendition,” in which Reese Witherspoon plays a woman whose Egyptian-born husband is snared by a runaway counterterrorism apparatus. Paul Greengrass, the director of “The Bourne Ultimatum,” in which the bad guys belong to a similar rogue unit, is adapting Rajiv Chandrasekaran’s book about the Green Zone in Baghdad, “Imperial Life in the Emerald City,” for Universal Pictures.Brian De Palma’s “Redacted,” focusing on an Army squad that persecutes an Iraqi family, is to be released in December by Magnolia Pictures. And Sony Pictures is developing a film based on the story of Richard A. Clarke, the former national security official and Bush administration critic. The love of anything anti- American in eclipsed only by the love of all things anti - American military.

We have certainly come a long way down. In years past, movie stars and movie studios considered supporting the troops their patriotic duty. They made many wonderful movies like A Bridge Too Far, The Longest Day, The Sands of Iwo Jima, Midway, Run Silent, Run Deep and even the Dirty Dozen. Headliners like John Wayne, Jimmy Stewart, and Maureen O'Hara would never be seen saying something that was anti- American. Part of what made them stars was that they were emblematic of all that was best in American society, including the American Military.

For every terrible story about the war, there are just as many good stories. For every story about troops that do something wrong, there are a thousand more about those who are heroes. Yet, only the bad stories are portrayed by the media. We only hear about Haditha - not about how 2 out of 3 Marines that stood accused in this incident have been acquitted. Our media only wants to sell their medium and to do that, a story must be sensational, but sadly, not necessarily true. Is it any wonder, as the family member of an active duty military man, that I want little to no association with most civilians who the media and Hollywood claim to represent? I have no time for America haters... and I guess that means I won't be seeing many movies anytime soon.

I Can Do Alot With A Screwdriver... but Even I Have My Limits

I'm a Navy wife - hence the title of the blog. I'm Snowflake and my husband is currently submerged. Well, Murphy's law has once again proved to be true in the case of this Navy wife. Our version of Murphy's is " Whatever can go wrong, WILL, while they are deployed." Seriously though, this underway hasn't been as chaotic as some.

Even so, in only one weeks time I have had to take apart and rebuild my vacuum cleaner, change the belt ( no biggie...), fix my thermostat on my air conditioning ( which sadly in September I still need...) change the filter on the a/c, fix the breaker for my washer and dryer and now the spare refrigerator that I keep in my basement has decided to go on the fritz too.

The refrigerator always has been a piece of shit since the day we bought it. It looks nice and it certainly wasn't cheap (are they ever?) but we've had our problems since day one. So, the other day, I notice that it is frosting up. It shouldn't be. So I turn down the settings ( or rather up, depending on how you are looking at it) check to make sure that the intact isn't blocked adn I defrost the thing.

It continues to build up frost. So, a day or so ago, I moved my food. Good thing because today the machine is making a noise like a car that just won't turn over. I have unplugged it and I am attempting to defrost the thing... and as good as I am with a screwdriver, even I have my limitations. This is why I married an engineer! To bad he's under the damn Atlantic!