Surreal

This whole week has been so surreal. I have looked at my husband's face - staring at him - trying to remember every freckle, every curve in his dimple when he smiles. I have felt his arms around me and tried to memorize the way my head fits against his shoulder.
For days - no, actually months now, I have put off thinking of the inevitable. I haven't faced the magnitude of the next several months alone. I won't get to see his face, hear his voice, feel his lips on mine... I hate it when he's away.
Sure, the kids and I survive. We focus on staying busy and doing fun things. That takes up my day, but at night, when I am all alone and the house is quiet around me, the magnitude engulfs me.
I know that I can do it - I can take care of the things that need to get taken care of. I can deal with being a temporarily, sort of, single mom. I just miss having my partner beside me to share my life.
I actually got to tell him last night how proud I am of him, and I even managed not to cry. I sent him off today with a smile, like I should, even though inside I was dying as he walked away.
I keep telling myself that every day from now on is one day closer to home. Now this difficult time has started, the goodbyes are over for now, and all that is left is the waiting. Still not my favorite aspect of being a Navy wife, but hey, homecoming is definitely something to look forward to, no matter how far away it is right now.

Thoughts for the Day.. A Poem I Wrote

I'm not much of a poet, but I am trying to revive that part of myself - exercise all my writing skills. So here is how I am feeling today, summed up in a few succinct words.

Here With Me

When you’re here with me,
I can breathe.
When you’re here with me,
I believe
That nothing can touch me,
Nothing can hurt me,
I can fly.

When you’re here with me,
I sleep at night.
When you’re here with me,
I try
To trust
That nothing can touch me,
Nothing can hurt me
It’s safe to cry.

Just as I start to believe,
All the doubt starts to recede….

You’re gone again.

Saying Goodbye - Again....

This is my daughter (in the center) with her two best friends. They have been the best of friends since the girls were 2 and a half and the boy was 4. Their mom is also my best friend. We met their family by chance - and maybe a little divine intervention. They were on the same boat as our family years ago, when we lived in Georgia. My daughter and I received an invitation to a Valentine's day party, but we were unable to go because she was sick. When I called to give our regrets, I asked if we could schedule a playdate when she was feeling better. That was one of the best things that I have ever done. They came over - the children were like peas in a pod from the beginning and so were Jennifer and I. The rest - as they say - is history.
Jennifer and I have been best friends since and so have our children. We have been through illness, broken bones (Jenn, if you are reading this, I'm knocking on some wood!), 4 submarine patrols, 2 moves and so much more.
When we moved from Georgia, the only thing that I regretted was saying goodbye. It was so hard! I had just had a baby - well, she was 8 months old by then. Jenn was pregnant with their youngest. We both got through that move though because we knew that their family wouldn't be in Georgia too much longer either. We moved to Annapolis, and they moved to Connecticut.
Through it all we kept in touch. We visited several times. Kaylee and I went to Connecticut to meet their new baby, they came and visited for Emily's birthday. I even got to have Isabella for a week in the summer - that's the beautiful blonde in the picture above.
Finally it happened that it was time for us to move again and we got orders to Connecticut! We were over the moon!!! I knew that my daughters would love being near their friends again. We have had weekly playdates, sleepovers where Jennifer and I were able to keep up with our passion of scrapbooking, birthday parties, trick or treating... you name it.
Their family is Navy, like ours. We knew that the time would eventually come when one of us would have to relocate again, I guess I just hoped that it wouldn't happen so soon. We had only been here a few months when we heard that they would be moving.
We made the most of all of our time together, but unfortunately, the time finally came where we would have to say goodbye. I finally understand why the Navy came up with the lame saying of " fair winds and a following sea" because saying goodbye to the people you love over and over again is just too painful otherwise.
I knew that saying goodbye to Jenn would be hard. I knew that kissing Isabella for the last time ( for a while anyway) would rip my heart out. I knew hugging little Ana goodbye and missing out on so much of her growing up would be hard. What I wasn't prepared for was saying goodbye to Andrew.
I thought we would make it through it ok. I thought we could joke and laugh and it would be alright. I was so proud of how well I was handling the goodbying when it came time to say goodbye to him. He put his arms around me and the tears started to come for both of us. Then, he whispered in my ear, " Ms. Laurie, I love you and I will NEVER forget you." Even thinking about it now makes me cry. We made plans RIGHT THEN to see them next year. Until then, we will write, e-mail, call, share pictures....
People come in and out of our lives. Some stay a short time, some are friends forever, but all impact our lives. I know that their family and ours will be friends forever. I know that I didn't truly just say goodbye because we will see them again. Still, it was one of the hardest things I have ever done - cheerily waving goodbye....