Homefires....

I am working hard to keep the homefires burning bright, but it gets harder and harder with no relief in sight.

I hate only having e-mail and the occassional phone call to cling to, but I know it's better than nothing. Still, lately it has been practicially nothing. I've reveieved one e-mail from my husband. Now I know that he is working hard and getting little sleep, I get it. What worries me is the time ahead. Is this all that I can look forward to for six long months?

Love's a heavy weight and I don't think that I can carry it all alone. I can't keep the homefires burning for both of us. He has to do his part too. I'm not sure he gets it. I'm not even sure he cares.I sat down and wrote a list - 10 things that would make my life easier while you're gone. I'm not going to give it to him. Why bother? I'm not sure he would read it, it may even seem ungrateful. I have a terrible habit of always coming across in the wrong way when talking to my husband. It usually never goes well.

Here's my list - I have to share it with someone, even if it is just myself.
1. Please leave plenty of emergency reserves so that I don't have to worry. The car may need something, my washer is as old as our oldest child and both the refrigerator and the microwave are on the fritz. It's only a matter of time...
2. The price of gas is killing me. Please increase my monthly budget to allot for this. This will be the first 'raise' in 5 years.
3. Please check the shutters, gutters and roof. I don't want anything flying off while you are gone and you know how bad the wind here gets.
4. Please forget about getting the lawnmower fixed and let me keep the lawn boys.
5.Occassionally think about the girls and I - an e-mail once a week just isn't cutting it, especially when I know there will be times that I won't even get that.
6. Plan ahead. Did you ever think that I might like a little something for halfway night? A love letter would be great - it doesn't have to be something you buy. Tell me how you feel, that would be the greatest gift you could give me.
7. I am running on empty emotionally. Fumes.... how will they get me through this long time ahead?
8. Tell me that you love me so I don't have to worry while you are gone. Tell me that you'll do your best to be safe, because if you haven't figured out that when you leave my heart goes with you... well, you aren't as smart as I know you are.
9. Fill out all proper legal papers.
10. Must have POA's for everything. I can't function any other way. How can I do the job you expect me to if I don't have to the tools?

Really I just want to say... Don't go. Like Rose in the Titanic as she is about to be swallowed by the Ocean - Don't go. Stay here with me. I know he can't. I know he has to go. I know it's my job to send him with a smile. God, can you imagine - a smile? How will I do that? I don't think I will be able to smile for the next long time.... Good thing it's summer or my face could freeze with this unhappy look. Somehow, I have got to keep it together for myself, my children, for him, for all the people counting on me... Shit. Guess I'll have to put off the breakdown indefinitely....

Ok, the pity party is over for now. I feel better already and now, I must face the day. Another day, without him. Memorial day - yet just another day. One more day and one more day and one more day... I feel like the little engine who could - maybe if I tell myself it often enough, I really will survive the next little while.

I'm So Tired

of so many things.....
1. I'm tired of being so thrilled by an e-mail because that is all I have.
2. I'm tired of being alone.
3. I'm tired of sleeping alone.
4. I'm tired of raising my children predominantly alone.
5. I'm tired of fixing shit.
6. I'm tired of worrying.
7. I'm tired of too little time having to be enough.
8. I'm tired of feeling guilty because at least I have some time.
9.I'm tired of feeling like I can't really be honest.
10;I'm tired of pretending that everything is ok when it isn't.
11. I'm tired of not knowing who I am.
12. I'm tired of loving someone who is so far away.
13. I'm tired of sounding so emotional and pathetic.
14. I'm tired of feeling like chicken little - just waiting for the sky to fall.
15. I'm tired of living the life of a human yo-yo. The highs are awesome but the lows.... yeah, they suck.
16. I'm tired of my daughters fighting.
17. I'm tired of yelling.
18. I'm tired of moving and of having people I love move.

I really just want my husband to come home and I would really like to have him for more than 7 weeks out of the last 18. Yes, I know this is what my life is ... but every once in a well, I just need to get it out. Once I do, it will pass and somehow I will make this all ok because it has to be. So just bear with me. I promise, the pity party won't last long. In fact, it's already starting to pass. The carpet man is on his way and I'll feel better when my carpet is clean. Clean carpet has the same rejuvenation effect as a new lipstick. Weird, I know....