Emotional Overload

Lately ever little thing seems to have my emotions on edge - they are just so raw. For example, yesterday, my youngest brought a book home from school for us to read together. The title was "Little Lamb" which seemed inocuous enough. Page one - "Little Lambs mother died". Seriously? It goes on to talk about how little lamb goes after all the other animals in the farmyard looking for a "mother". Finally, a little boy takes pity on little lambs sorrowful cries of "MAAAAA, MAAAAA" and agrees to be his "mother".

My five year old daughter was greatly relieved that little lamb got a new "mother". She then asked if I died, if she would get a new mother? I told her that no one gets another mother. Each of us - every person on the planet - we only have one. We may havve other individuals in our lives who are mother figures but they are not our mother. Certainly they can love us and care for us like a mother would, but no one can replace your real mother.

Skip ahead to last night. My husband and I decide to watch a movie together - something to take my mind off all the things going on in my life. He picks the movie - "Dan in Real Life". It looked like a really cute romantic comedy - until you discover that Dan is a widower and this is all about him falling in love after the death of the "love of his life, his soul mate" less than 4 years before.

Don't get me wrong, 4 years is an awfully long time to be alone, especially when a person is still young and vital. I get it. I know individuals who have been widowed. I don't understand the concept of finding another soul mate. I believe that every person only gets one. Sure you may find another person that you love, in a different way, but if you are lucky enough to find a soul mate - it only happens once. At least that is my opinion - the way that I view love.

I guess I find all this about death about replacing a loved one who has died so disturbing because of the situation that my dad is facing. He is on week 3 of his radiation now, and it has been so difficult for him. He has been so very brave and today, he admitted that he is afraid. I told him that no one lives forever, that what is important is that we live and die on our own terms, but in reality, what do I really know? I'm just a young girl next to him and I don't really know what I am talking about. I'm as afraid to die as the next person.

I don't know what the future will bring. The only things that I know that are certain in this life though? Death and taxes - neither of them very pleasant.

An Anniversary... of Sorts.

As I was thinking about the impending holiday this coming Saturday, it suddenly occurred to me that it's an anniversary of sorts for Robbie and I. It actually made me both happy and sad when I had this realization. After all, this is a very special Valentine's Day for us, and once again, he isn't here. I'm starting to sound like a broken record, aren't I?
Ten years ago this Saturday is the day that my husband asked me to marry him. I remember it like it was yesterday. We usually would spend the weekends together visiting my mom and stepdad in Melbourne, FL. They had a beautiful place, right off the beach and we loved to visit them there.
Most of my friends know that I am the morning glory in my family - up with the sun and happy about it. My husband, on the other hand, is the night owl who could, and would, sleep in until noon if I would let him. I knew that something was afoot on this particular weekend because he asked me to wake him so that we could go for a walk and watch the sunrise. Odd for him, but it pleased me. We often talked about how we had seen many sunsets together but not too often a sunrise.Plus, we both love the beach and it is so peaceful and beautiful first thing in the morning.
The next morning, I woke him up as promised and he got up and dressed without a complaint. he seemed fidgety looking back on it all and I remember feeling nervous. Deep down I guess I already realized that something momentous in my life was about to happen.
It was a gorgeous morning - clear, blue skies and warm but not hot. I love the beach and on Indiatlantic it is especially nice. There are lots of shells and the brown sugar surf is so soft under your feet. I lived my life there barefoot and this particular morning was no different.
We walked along in silence - hand in hand - for what seemed the longest time. We watched the most amazing sunrise all pink and orange blaze across the sky. I remember thinking that I couldn't tell where his hand ended and mine began and that I always wanted to feel that way. I never wanted to be someone's wife before, nor had I ever really wanted a husband. Personal experience had taught me that such ideals were antiquated and not necessarily positive relationships.
I remember walking over to some stairs on the beach and watching the sun come up. As we watched, I could feel something building up. Finally, he spoke to me. I'd love to tell you that I remember his exact words, but honestly, as I watched him ask me to be his life partner, I was stunned, speechless, nervous, THRILLED! So many emotions were racing through my mind that I couldn't focus on all the words that he said, but I certainly remember the most important ones!
I remember him asking me to be the love of his life, his life partner, his wife and in that moment, I could think of nothing else that I wanted to be more than that. From that day to this, no, long before that day to this, I have loved him with all my heart. Each day, each year doesn't diminish how much I love him but it grows and grows. When I look at him now, ten years later, I still see the man I saw on that beach. I still see his wicked smile, the intelligence and sensitivity behind his eyes, I still feel the gentleness of his hands.
How many Valentines Day's have I taken for granted and looked at as nothing more than the celebration of capatalism in a cynical world? This year, when he can't be here for me to share these things, an epiphany. Even though he can't be here today and he won't be here on Saturday, I know that he is always with me and hopefully, even though I haven't as yet expressed these thoughts in more than writing, deep down I know that his heart already knows.