Whose Time Table Am I On Anyway?

Do you ever get the feeling that you do everything in someone else's time? Never when it may please you to do something, but always instead when it can be done or when it must be done. Lately this seems to be the story of my life and I hate it. I hate feeling like anything and EVERYTHING in my life is at someone else's convenience.

My friend says that this is the way with everyone. We shop when the stores are open, we go to work when we are told. Yes, I do shop when the stores are open - but within my own time constraints. With my husband and his job, I feel like everything we do is on someone else's terms.

We celebrate holidays and birthdays - not necessarily when we should as other people do - but when we can. Christmas isn't always on December 25th for us. Last year it was, but the year prior it was actually December 17th. Close enough for government work, I guess.

My whole life revolves around the convenience and happiness of others. It's frustrating to say the least. Even my sex life goes according to my husband's work schedule. Saturday night for instance is usually a very good night. The thing is, what happens when Saturday night rolls around and I am not so inclined? Well, in all honesty, I usually acquiesce... who knows when the opportunity will present itself again?

I am just angry and frustrated. I would have thought that after all these years together, this predeployment build up wouldn't apply to us. We wouldn't go through the fear of seperation, the anxiety about the loss, the anger/fear/ resentment. Haven't we been through this enough times now? Suprisingly, it is as if we are going through it all for the first time. Here I am, just like a new Navy wife, going through all the same fears and uncertainties that I have faced and conquered so many times in the past.

I want to get through this - hold my family together. Still, just once in a while, I would like to do things in my own sweet time, not at the convenience of others. It doesn't seem like a lot to ask, does it? I am looking forward to moving thought this stage of predeployment and working my way to where I can be stable and ok again. I hate the anger and resentment I sometimes feel, especially when, rationally, I know it isn't my husbands fault. Anyone else out there ever feel like everything they do is on someone else's timetable?

I'm Not That Girl

She twirls in the mirror
for all to see,
waiting, hoping, breathlessly.
Tonight's my chance,
Tonight's my dance.
Cinderella at last.

She steps into the ball
hope in her heart,
loving, longing, yearning.
He's handsome and tall,
her prince of the ball..
Cinderella at last.

She has hopes and dreams
for this night it seems
lonely, longing, outcast.
No one sees her
She's just a blur
Cinderella at last.

The dress falls to the floor,
the truth sinks in.
sad, downhearted, confused.
I look and I see
What?.... Well....me.
I'm....Not.... That..... Girl

Never Again!

We all have those things in our lives - those things that if we never had to do them again - it just wouldn't phase us one bit. In fact, the lack of having these things in our lives could improve our quality of life significantly!

Here are some things that I would be quite happy to never do again, in no particular order:
1. I would be totally ok if I never had another period. I am almost 38 years old and I have had "IT" since I was 10. I have 2 beautiful little girls and my tubes are tied, so there is no expectation of having any more children. The way I see it, my uterus has served it's purpose and if it were ripped out tomorrow and I never had another period - I wouldn't miss it in the least bit!

2. I have a HATE - HATE relationship with our ride on lawnmower and would be quite happy to never see the seat of the red monstrosity ever again. I have no intention whatsoever of mowing my lawn this summer while my husband is deployed. I have hired lawn men to do that! I have enough with the house, the garden and my children thank you very much!

3. Cleaning the microwave or the toilet. Yes, I know these things have to get done, and trust me, I do them regularly, but if I could wave a magic wand or have a house elf do it for me, believe me, I WOULD!

4.Mulching. I love to garden and I love my flower beds, but the mulching seems like this never ending process. I wish you could just mulch once and it would last for five years or so... but sadly, that isn't the case. I mulched twice last year and already my beds need new mulch. At least I'll get a tan...

5.Ok, this one really is a big pet peeve of mine - listening to civilian women whine about how they "never get to see their husbands". He's home every night by 6 and when he goes on a business trip - he can call you every night. Please don't expect any sympathy from this submariner's wife who goes six months or more at a time without seeing her husband's face and phone calls? Yeah, they are almost as rare, and when I do get them, it's in the middle of the night because he's on the other side of the world.

6. Coupled with number 5, listening to my SIL and MIL whine about the impact of a SINGLE move on my nephew. He's just so stressed because he had to move - poor thing. First off - my SIL and BIL made the CHOICE to move. Secondly, my nephew is 10 - stop treating him like he's 3. Thirdly, again, my children move every 2 to 21/2 years. We leave friends all the time, constantly face the insecurities of a new place, a new school... so please don't expect me to sympathize because you made a choice and you haven't given your child the coping mechanisms to deal with it.

7. MOVING! I hate moving. Well, that isn't really true. The adventure of a new place is exciting, but the packing and unpacking of stuff certainly isn't! To some degree, I long for the time in my life when I will be able to call ONE PLACE home for more than 2 years.

8. Watching my friends cry. I hate to see other people hurting, especially when I feel helpless to do something to "fix it".

9. Saying goodbye to the people I love. I hate it. I hate doing it, and while I know that goodbyes are as much a part of life as hellos are, that doesn't make doing it any easier.

10. I hate it when people see me cry, especially my husband. I hate it when he's leaving and I have so many things to tell him, but my tongue gets thick and the words won't come. For a person who loves to write and who lives to communicate their thoughts and feelings, this is pure, unadulterated HELL!

What are some things that you would gladly give up ever having to do again?

There Are So Very Few....

I love to read - always have, but for some strange reason, I am just not a fan of most contemporary authors. Most seem to escalate the minutiae in our lives, and maybe that is what life is really all about and I'm just missing it. Somehow though,contemporary authors are seem so trivial in what they choose to write. I like a book that makes me think, and maybe, just maybe, elevates me to some greater truth. Is that expecting too much?

I loved the Kite Runner by Khaled Hoiseini, and last night, very late... I finished A Thousand Splendid Suns. I didn't think that it was possible to outdo his original work, but for me, A Thousand Splendid Suns surely outshines it's predecessor. Like Kite Runner, it examines life in Afghanistan, but this time from a female perspective.

I learned so much about the culture of Afghanistan through this works, but I also feel like I learned some greater truths - the greatest triumph any literary work can aspire to, in my opinion. Even though both works have their share of tragedy, in the end the main characters find redemption and meaning. From the very first page of A Thousand Splendid Suns to the word, I was fascinated and engrossed in the stories of the women, Miriam and Laila. If you have not read either of these works, I can not recommend them highly enough.

What writers do you enjoy reading and why? Do you think that their works reveal some greater truth about humanity? Does their work elevate you in some way? Or is that not what you look for in a book?

A Startling Revelation: Married Men Make Extra Housework for Their Wives!

This is research just conducted by the University of Michigans' Institute for Social Research. Surprisingly enough, the head researcher is a man. What is most startling to me is that the University of Michigan feels that this is truly in ANY way a revelation. ANY married woman could have told them this well established fact!

In fact, the sutdy suggests that a man ONLY adds 7 hours a week to the housework for his wife. I would say that this is WAY off. I know for a fact that it has to be more than seven hours. Just picking up my husbands various cups and icecream bowls and washing them takes at least 3o minutes a week and let's not even talk about his laundry! The man only wears an article of clothing once a week and then, on the floor it goes. Apparently the whole concept of a laundry hamper is completely alien. In fact, I find so many clothes on the floor, that I often become disheartened myself and leave mine there too.

The garbage - oh the garbage! We recycle, well, let me correct that - I do. That means that i have to sort through my garbage to see what recyclables my husband has thrown out. This often takes quite a bit of time every week. Not to mention that I am the only one in my house who takes OUT the trash. If I were to go on strike, we would be living on a mountain of crap in about 2 weeks. Seriously.

So everyone dish - how does your spouse add to your housework and do you think that 7 hours a week on average is about right? OR like me, do you think that it's actually more?

I Am Woman - Hear Me ROAR!

I was telling you guys the other day that some of the siding came off of the front of my gabled roof. Not a good thing! As usual, my husband could not be reached, so instead of waiting to hear from him, I pick up the phone and start calling handymen. You see, our house is two stories and the ladder just to fix it would cost over $200 - I checked it out at HomeDepot.com.

Contractors are a real pain in the ass to deal with! Mostly I heard, "OH, I can't get over there in the next two weeks." Listen, if you don't want to do the job because it's a little job, that's fine, but don't blow smoke up my skirt about it. So finally, I reached Tony, and he tells me that he will come by around 6 pm to check it out.

I finally get a hold of my husband who tells me that I should not have called a handyman. Some thanks I get for trying to take care of it so he doesn't have to do it during an already busy weekend.Anyhow, I tell DH, "Look, the guys coming out at 6, it can't hurt to let him look at it." To which he responds "OK, but I'm not paying more than $50 bucks for it."

Now, dh hasn't even seen the house yet. He doesn't realize that more siding is flapping around up there, probably ALSO getting ready to fly off my house into the land of Oz. Husband arrives home at 5 pm. Tony arrives 5 minutes later. Husband asks me what they are going to charge to do the job. I say, " I don't know, you've been outside with them, why don't you ask?" I go out there and there's DH watching the contractors putting up the ladder to fix the siding. I said, " What's it going to cost?" and DH says, " I dunno." GRRRR.... So I have to ask the contractors.

Tony fixed it for $40 bucks and DH didn't have to take up any time from his weekend. When he comes back inside, DH tells me, "Honey, when something like that happens, it doesn't need to get fixed right away and you can't panic." HELLO!!! I didn't panic - I took care of it!!! If I was waiting for DH to get it done, my house would still be half naked with her wood hanging out.... MEN!

What Color Are You Today?

Seriously, every mood has a color, what's yours? Today, I'd have to say that I am storm cloud grey. Nice huh? I woke up this morning, thought I was late, so I rushed to get the kids up so that my daughter wouldn't miss the bus. Turns out that I was actually an hour early and I missed my first cup of coffee - ALONE - as a result of having woken the children up. It was not an auspicious beginning to the day.

It's trash day here, so as I was walking my daughter out to the bus, I grabbed the trash cans. (Of course, no one else here does this but me.) As I am walking out, I see this huge and I mean HUGE, strips of white lying in the grass. WTH? I look up, and guess what?? The gale force winds here had taken off some of the siding from my gabled roof. It isn't bad, but it is something that I want to get fixed right away. I think that my husband could probably do it, but as he has neither the proper equipmment ( a really tall ladder, some assistance and who knows what else may be entailed) nor the time, I called various contractors.

Hopefully one is coming tonight at 6 to look at it. I say hopefully because one never really knows when dealing with a contractor. In the mean time the front of my house looks like shit ( to me anyway) and I am praying as the gale force winds continue on through the day, that things will not get worse.

That's my day in a nutshell. Tomorrow I am hoping to be cerlean blue, but today, I'm storm cloud grey. What color are you and why?