I've Been Busy

Well, it's been a long time and my poor blog has been sadly neglected. I miss writing more, but lately just haven't had the time. My job has been keeping me going, sometimes even on the weekends and when I'm not busy with teaching or lesson planning, I'm with my family.
My girls are doing great. My oldest is going to be thirteen this month, which is almost impossible for me to believe. I can still remember the first time that the doctor put her in my arms. She was so tiny, pink and perfect. Now she rolls her eyes at me and gives me teenage attitude, but she is still my reason for being - she and her sister. My daughters and I have a good and fairly open relationship and that makes me happy. I know that the teenage years are going to be a challenge but I am heartened by the fact that my mother survived them with me, and if that's the case, then anything is truly possible. Thanks Mom.
My husband and I have been doing better too. We just celebrated our wedding anniversary. It was wonderful, he really outdid himself. The best gift he gave me? TIME. We were able to spend the whole weekend together, talk about anything and everything and just really reconnect. We definitely needed that. The gorgeous, long stem red roses were also a nice touch. Two weeks later they are still blooming. :)
My job is great. It started out a little rough, because I was predominantly doing teacher support. Don't get me wrong, I am happy to help teachers in any way that I can, but what I really want to do is work with students. Finally, finally, finally - I have 13 students that I work with of various grade levels. I love them all and each are unique. I love working in a title one school where the students have many challenges that they face, both in and out of school. I feel like I am doing some good, and I just love being with them. Being in a school like mine, has opened my eyes to so many things and really forced me to evaulate and reconsider many of my own preconceived thoughts and opinions. Any time I hear a politician talk about "those children" in "those schools", they will forever be talking about my kids, because I do view each one of my students a "mine". I worry about them, think about how they are learning and what I can be doing better all the time. I think that constantly re-evaluating and challenging ourselves is a big part of having a happy and successful life and I am grateful for this opportunity, no matter how long it lasts.
I just wanted you all to know that I was thinking about you and catch you up to date. I hope you all are doing well, enjoying some warm spring weather and spending time with the ones you love. After all, that is what life is all about.

The "X" factor

And no, I'm not talking about the show, I'm talking about the level of excitement in my life and in my relatioships.
My family and I went to dinner the other night with our neighbors. We had a wonderful time, my neighbors are a lot of fun and have many wonderful stories to tell. However, as we sat there laughing and talking, I began to realize that I was primarily listening to the stories of others. Don't get me wrong, I am usually a listener, but I realized that on that particular evening I was predominantly listening because I didn't have much to say.
The next day, as my husband and I were talking about our evening, I was commenting on how much travel and exciting things our friends do and how our lives seem relatively bland in comparison. He quite nonchalantly pointed out that our lives aren't very exciting because, in general, I don't like to do things that are exciting.
Some backstory - my husband loves to sail and ski - neither of which I enjoy. When I was a child, sailing with my family really frightened me. I always thought that the boat was going to sink and I was going to drown. I guess I never got over it. Skiing - well, let's just say that being cold isn't my favorite thing, but if I am going to be cold I would rather ice skate or snow tube, that is just me. I have always felt bad about my husband really enjoying doing these things and not really getting to do them. I always felt a lot of guilt because I thought that I was holding him back and keeping him from the things that he loved. I always encourage him to do these things whenever he has the opportunity, but I guess it's not the same.
I'm not really much of a rollercoaster girl either and have I mentioned that I hate to fly? I will fly, but I don't really enjoy it - probably due to a very scary emergency landing that I was invovled in as a child. In retrospect, I guess my need to control the situation that I am in effects my inclination to participate in these activities that are scary or thrilling.
Here are some things I do enjoy or would do if the opportunity arose:
~ scuba diving/ snorkeling
~hiking
~sight seeing
~ learning new things
~ going to historical landmarks
~ swim with the dolphins
~ tubing down a river
~horseback riding
~rollerskating
~ games or role playing
~ going to the beach/ collecting sea glass or shells

I don'tknow, perhaps the lack of the "x" factor in our lives really is my fault, but I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't think that I can change the things that I enjoy doing or pretend to enjoy things that I don't. This all leads us to our personal life. Stop reading if you don't want to details.
Really things are kind of bland in all areas. I try to spice things up with new ideas, toys, games, etc. I guess this is one way that I consider myself adventurous. Still, we are getting older (though it KILLS me to say this), our children are getting older, we are both busy with work and he's busy with his PhD and frankly, there really isn't much time for anything else and even when there is, there seems to be little inclination. When I want to he doesn't and vice versa. I've tried changing my clock around, being more available at what I know are the most likely times for him, but still it avails little. Most of the time, I don't even mind, which is really bad. Most of the time we live like friends with occassional benefits. Maybe that is what marriage really is?

Worst in all of this is the sense of holding him back. Not really sure what to do about it all, or even if there is anything to do about it, just wanted to get it off my chest. After all, it's not like I can really talk to him about it and maybe that's the biggest problem.