Sunday, January 30, 2011

Where do we go from here?

My poor blog was starting to feel very neglected. I really haven't had too much time for writing other than classwork related assignments. Between work, school, and my family - well, I'm usually pretty tired.
Usually when I write, I don't write for you all (though it is really nice to have your feedback and support). I usually write to process thoughts and emotions that I am dealing with and that is certainly the case today.
I have a lot going on in my life. We are getting ready for another move and I just found out that the last year I have spent working on my Master's degree in Education has been largely for naught. Maryland won't accept most of my degree, so I will probably have to retake some classes. This all causes a lot of frustration. I want to go home to Maryland, but I hate leaving my home and my job. It's a mixed blessing, I guess.
Then there has been a lot going on with my husband and I. I really feel us growing apart. I don't know what to do about it. The things that interest him just don't interest me and vice versa. For example, he took my oldest daughter skiing today. I think that's great and I hope they have a wonderful day together, but I have zero desire to go myself today or any foreseeable time in the future. Then, what often happens is I feel compelled to go because my husband makes me feel guilty with phrases like " I want to go as a family" or "I can't take both girls unless you go". I have no problem with him going and even encourage it, yet I hate being made to feel like I have to. Especially when reciprocity is a foreign concept.
I realized that II have allowed family time to stop me from spending time with God. Because my husband doesn't "do" Church, I have been giving up my time to spend time together. That really isn't right though and recently, I started going again - usually ALONE. Occasionally my youngest daughter will come with me, she likes the songs and stories. I don't ask my husband to come or tell him how much more enjoyable it would be for me if we could go as a family. What's the point? I know it's hopeless. I think the best thing I can do is demonstrate God's love to my family, but sometimes it gets so hard.
I look around the house and I see stuff everywhere. I am working so hard to make a nice dinner, do the laundry, try to prepare for the more, do my homework, do the things I need to do for my students and still spend time with my husband and kids, but the truth is... it gets more exhausting every day.
I know that I am so lucky to have such a beautiful family, nice home, and everything that I need. So why do I sometimes still feel unhappy? Unappreciated? Sometimes it's really hard to get my head and heart right.