Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Dotting the I's and Crossing the T's

Well, our vacation is finally upon us and I am busy making sure that everything is ready here for our departure. By everything, I mean everything with the job because my house and my yard are clearly NOT READY! I feel like I have a million and one things to do and yet here I am... blogging. Oh well, first things first, right?
I have to turn over the info for my job, in case something happens while I am gone that can't be handled from afar. I have several meetings this am. (It's good to have a babysitter!)
The laundry is sitll in a pile, the weeds are taking over my flower beds and sadly, nothing of any real importance has been done lately. Oh wait, I did stain the front stoop a week or so ago - it looks so much better now. But there is so much more to do. My beds need changed, the garage needs cleaned, the bathrooms need done, is there anything worse in the whole world than coming home to a dirty house??
Thankfully I still have a few days and my mom will be here to help! I'm starting to feel a little overwhelmed.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

These Dreams of You and more...

I had a dream about my husband last night. It was one of those dreams - so deep and true that it feels like it must be real. It's horrible to wake up disappointed so early in the morning. It's wonderful to be with him, even if it was only a dream. I wonder where he is and whether he's thinking about me too.
It was a rough day today. Our friends are visiting from GA and seeing their friend with her Dad has hit the girls particularly hard. I feel like such a bad mom because I hadn't even realized that this may be a possibility.
Still, we got some time, just the three of us tonight and that was good. We went for a walk around our neighborhood. There have been a rash of baby bunnies around, and we were able to see several of them. It was really cute. The girls and I all enjoyed our visit.
I thought that July would be our longest month and thus far, it has been. Still, I'm not sure that August is promising to be any shorter. I'm looking forward to picking up our puppy, the start of school, and hopefully hearing my husband's sweet voice soon enough. Still, the phone calls make things worse in the short term. I guess it brings all the things that we are all missing more sharply into focus.

For my Robbie:
Last night I slept on a bed of stars

Wrapped safe in my lovers arms.

Now he's gone away so far,

And there's no one here to keep me warm.

Heaven is found when he is so near

His absence -a dark abyss.

I can't help hold back the tears,

I long for stolen moments like this.

The hours tick past and multiply,

Time moves so terribly slow.

I sit here and question why

Wishing he never had to go.

I long once more to see his smile,

To hold him in my embrace,

To have him once more cross the miles,

To see his handsome, beloved face.

So come home safe to our bed of stars,

Wrap me in your loving arms.

Never again go so far...

Stay here forever and keep me warm.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Why Does it Happen?

Sometimes I hate the transience of Navy life - the constant moving doesnt' do alot for building lasting friendships. I have many wonderful friends - scattered throughout the United States - but it doesn't really help me here in CT. Don't get me wrong, my local friends are awesome too, but I miss my sisters.

Heather is in Maryland. She is the sister of my heart. Like me though, she has a crazy life - four kids - a hubby - a job and we rarely get to talk these days. I know we are still as close as ever, but I do miss her. It's as much my fault as anyone else's. Sometimes it's just hard to pick up the phone.

My best friend Jenn moved back to GA almost a year ago now. We swore that we would talk all the time and remain close. Yes, we are still close, but we talk rarely at best. I'm not good at friendship maintenence and sometimes I think that this makes me a terrible friend. Jenn always tells me that to have good friends, a person has to be a good friend. Honestly I don't think that I do the long distance thing very well.

I can remember talking to my husband, a long time ago when we were still just friends, about why people seperate. I get it, we are all going through different things in our lives, different phases and sometimes we lose the ability to relate or the commonality that made us friends in the first place. It still makes me sad to think of the people drifting in and out of my life as I drift in and out of their's...

I haven't talked to Kate since she started back to school. I have called her a couple of times but somehow we can't seem to connect. I am dying to hear how she is doing, but sometimes, at the end of the day I'm so exhausted that I fall asleep without making the connection.

I guess by verbalizing this, I am making a promise to try and do better. To reach out to my friends more and let them know that I love and appreciate them. I don't want to wake up one morning and realize that they are all gone, all because I didn't say the words when I had the chance.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

All Dressed Up with No Place to Go...

It's 3:30 in the morning, or at least it was when I woke up. Sadly almost an hour has passed since then and I can't get back to sleep. Ugh. Tomorrow isn't going to be pretty - no matter how much coffee I inhale.
Still, I got my picture taken on the top of Mt. Fugi without ever leaving my bed tonight. How many other people can say that? After all the excitement, here I am, all dressed up in my red t-shirt with no place to go - not even back to bed.
I went to sleep with one of those "I'm way beyond exhausted" headaches and sadly, the three hours of sleep I have gotten so far haven't helped. Yuck.
Maybe I will get a nap tomorrow....Anyone have any good headache remedies? How about a loneliness tonic? Either would really help right now.
I've got my period again which just SUCKS. I mean, my husband isn't here so it doesn't really matter, but still.... I'm almost 38 years old and I've been dealing with this crap since I was 10. Isn't it time to call it a day? My last period - I was under so much stress that I essentially had it in one day. I got the shakes and had to sit down on the sofa for three hours just to deal with it. I know, that's way too much information - sorry.
Still, I just want you to understand why I would be totally ok with the doctor just ripping it out... I mean, my uterus has done more for me than I ever thought it would. I have two beautiful children and I could ask no more of it. Can't we just wrap up that phase in my life? I'm totally ok with it.
Do you ever feel like your life is one big list of things you "should" do? Things your slated or supposed to do? But not necessarily things you want to do? Well, that's my life right now. I spent 5 hours sweltering today at a garage sale - it definitely wasn't on the top of my "fun to do" list. Craziness I know.
Well, I guess I will slink back to bed in a vain attempt to go back to sleep. Wish me luck....

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

For My Dad

For My Daddy

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Reaching for Transcendence

Have you ever heard of Maslow's theory of needs? According to Maslow, in order to achieve transcendence, which is real self actualiztion, all the lower needs must be met.

Looking at the pyramid, I realize that transcendence may be some time away for me. I have my basic needs met - I'm not hungry or thristy. We have a nice house. I feel secure - most of the time. But then, I hit the snag....the need for love, belonging... I have those things, but I don't feel it all the time.

Every time my husband leaves it's like taking two steps forward and one step back. It's a slow process. I don't know, maybe by going through this, I am growing and learning... on my way to being a more self aware human. But sometimes, like today, the journey is really painful.

Imagine finding out that your husband had safely arrived at some destination - from another human being. That's what happened today. Imagine working really hard to keep your smile on and not have it look too thin for your two daughters - because that is every day for me.
Imagine hanging on by what some days feels like a really thin thread...

According to Maslow's theory, each level of the basic human needs must be attained before reaching for the next level. Sometimes I feel like I will never get there. Then I think, well, maybe that's the point. Maybe I'm just like Holden Caulfield going through life with my hunting cap on. Maybe it really is all about the journey.

Deep down I know that there can be no light without the dark. There can be no joy without dispair, there can be no love without some loss and sacrifice. It just doesn't make days like today any easier. So, what am I going to do about it? Well - head out for a day of fun with the girls and cap it off with ice cream of course. There isn't much that ice cream can't fix...

Of course, i will have to chase that with two miles on the tread mile unless I want to gain five pounds on each thigh... but I'm willing to make that sacrifice.

Friday, July 11, 2008

Go Sell Crazy Someplace Else.... We're Full Up Here!

I'll tell you, it has just been one of those weeks. I have had no time for writing - or anything else for that matter. It's good and bad. I have been so inspired so many times throughout the week for a topic to write on and it just didn't happen.
I can't believe that today is Friday and another week has passed me by. I'm glad. I wish I could close my eyes and it could be Halloween, at least!
July has been the hardest month of the summer because the girls are home and there is little to break up the day to day monotony. The things that do occur that are out of the ordinary are usually not enjoyable. Still, I will say that it is satisfying to feel like I am helping people, and once in a while, I really do feel that. It's nice to have a purpose in addition to the most important purpose of my life - being a mom.
Tomorrow I am hoping for a stress free - low phone call day. I want to just go outside and spend the day with my kids without anyone needing me for anything. I want to just enjoy myself, my daughters and laugh. I'm tempted to turn the darn phone off, but I really can't do that.
One great thing happened this week - the silence is finally over! It was so wonderful to hear from my husband, even if the e-mails were written a while ago. I miss him like crazy so those e-mails are almost like hearing his voice. When I got those e-mails it was like a great big sigh of relief.... I hate all the stress and worry.

I did take my daughters berry picking this week. Fresh raspberries and blueberries! What could be better? The raspberries were sadly disappointing, but the blueberries.... absolutely divine! I love to pick them right off the vine and so do my girls.

Tomorrow I am going to back some blueberry muffins for them, that will be fun! I also got a kids cookbook and we are going to get into that tomorrow. I love to bake and even cook, when I have the time. I will enjoy teaching my daughters. I already like to bake cookies and cakes with them, but learning to cook is so much more important- a real life skill. I hope that we will create delicious meals while at the same time making happy memories. Here's hoping for no more insanity tomorrow. Just one day off...

Saturday, July 5, 2008

The Struggle

Yesterday was Independence Day. Fireworks have never been a favorite of mine - I don't like the noise, but my husband and my daughters love them. We are supposed to go see the fireworks tonight, amidst a weather forecast of rain and thunder storms. It figures. I am hoping all the rain will work it's way out early, but you just never know with the weather we have here in CT> Still, I guess I shouldn't really complain, after all, my trees and my grass are in fairly desperate need.

We are still dealing with the silence here -the thing I hate most in the world. Still, I comfort myself with the knowledge that bad news travels fast. In some cases, no news truly is good news. I wonder how much longer I will have to hang on to that thin thread?? The hardest part is holding it all together while the panic in those around me escalates. I know that if they see me acting concerned or scared, it will only make their emotions worse and that much more intense.

The other night, I had a lady call me just sobbing.... I was so heartbroken for her and there was nothing that I could really do or say to make it any better for her. Where is that magic wand when I need it??

For those that read my last blog - the girls and I had a great time at the picnic. We had a bet to see how long it would be until someone clueless civilian asked us where Daddy was. Kaylee won - the answer was 27 minutes.... Ugh.