Sunday, January 22, 2012

The "X" factor

And no, I'm not talking about the show, I'm talking about the level of excitement in my life and in my relatioships.
My family and I went to dinner the other night with our neighbors. We had a wonderful time, my neighbors are a lot of fun and have many wonderful stories to tell. However, as we sat there laughing and talking, I began to realize that I was primarily listening to the stories of others. Don't get me wrong, I am usually a listener, but I realized that on that particular evening I was predominantly listening because I didn't have much to say.
The next day, as my husband and I were talking about our evening, I was commenting on how much travel and exciting things our friends do and how our lives seem relatively bland in comparison. He quite nonchalantly pointed out that our lives aren't very exciting because, in general, I don't like to do things that are exciting.
Some backstory - my husband loves to sail and ski - neither of which I enjoy. When I was a child, sailing with my family really frightened me. I always thought that the boat was going to sink and I was going to drown. I guess I never got over it. Skiing - well, let's just say that being cold isn't my favorite thing, but if I am going to be cold I would rather ice skate or snow tube, that is just me. I have always felt bad about my husband really enjoying doing these things and not really getting to do them. I always felt a lot of guilt because I thought that I was holding him back and keeping him from the things that he loved. I always encourage him to do these things whenever he has the opportunity, but I guess it's not the same.
I'm not really much of a rollercoaster girl either and have I mentioned that I hate to fly? I will fly, but I don't really enjoy it - probably due to a very scary emergency landing that I was invovled in as a child. In retrospect, I guess my need to control the situation that I am in effects my inclination to participate in these activities that are scary or thrilling.
Here are some things I do enjoy or would do if the opportunity arose:
~ scuba diving/ snorkeling
~sight seeing
~ learning new things
~ going to historical landmarks
~ swim with the dolphins
~ tubing down a river
~horseback riding
~ games or role playing
~ going to the beach/ collecting sea glass or shells

I don'tknow, perhaps the lack of the "x" factor in our lives really is my fault, but I'm not sure what to do about it. I don't think that I can change the things that I enjoy doing or pretend to enjoy things that I don't. This all leads us to our personal life. Stop reading if you don't want to details.
Really things are kind of bland in all areas. I try to spice things up with new ideas, toys, games, etc. I guess this is one way that I consider myself adventurous. Still, we are getting older (though it KILLS me to say this), our children are getting older, we are both busy with work and he's busy with his PhD and frankly, there really isn't much time for anything else and even when there is, there seems to be little inclination. When I want to he doesn't and vice versa. I've tried changing my clock around, being more available at what I know are the most likely times for him, but still it avails little. Most of the time, I don't even mind, which is really bad. Most of the time we live like friends with occassional benefits. Maybe that is what marriage really is?

Worst in all of this is the sense of holding him back. Not really sure what to do about it all, or even if there is anything to do about it, just wanted to get it off my chest. After all, it's not like I can really talk to him about it and maybe that's the biggest problem.