Sunday, September 30, 2007

Feeling Nostalgic...

I guess that birthdays do that. Yesterday was the 8th anniversary of my 29th birthday, or in other words, the 37th anniversary of the day that I was born. Weird. Sometimes I feel like I am not a day over 18 and other times I feel every single minute of every single year since I have been born.
Yesterday was a beautiful day - the sun was shining and the weather here has finally started to cool. (Hello? It IS Fall!) My daughters were wonderful - my oldest even made me some double chocolate muffins all by herself. My best friend sent me some wonderful chocolate covered strawberries and I was able to get some time to myself. Still, in spite of all this, the day was not quite all it could be. You see, the person that I most like to celebrate and share the joys of my life with, just couldn't be here yesterday.
I felt his absence yesterday as I do everyday - like a hole that I just can't fill. I wander around our home from room to room, and if I think about him very hard, I can almost see him here. Memories and dreams of him fill every room. But on special days, dreams and memories make sad companions.
Still, there is one memory - of another birthday 10 years ago. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was turning 27 and our love was fresh and new. We were still in that awkward stage with one another, where we were still unsure - not of our love - but of how to proceed. My mom lived 2 hours away that year and we decided to go and spend my birthday with her. I love to drive with him in the car. We talk about everything or nothing. He holds my hand. The smile he gives me that tells me he can't wait for us to get there already just makes my heart melt and my knees get weak.
My mom lived in Melbourne, FL. It was a wonderful trip. I love the beach and she lived close enough to walk. We spent a large portion of the weekend at the beach. He would draw dolphins and planets in the sand for me, and we would lay on our backs and try to count all the stars. I hated for the weekend to end, but it finally did. Back to work and the real world.
Still, we stopped at a hotel on our way home - for just one more night together before the real world came crashing back in. He hadn't given me my birthday present yet. That night, he shyly presented me with a little bag, sweetly wrapped. Inside was the most precious little owl that I had ever seen. (The owl is symbolic because it is our college's mascot, so I collect owls) It was sweet because this particular owl had been retired and I knew that it had cost him some money. I also knew how he had really tried all weekend and with the owl to make sure that my birthday was special, because he loved me.
There are many days that I celebrate with my children while my husband is gone, but most of the time, my heart just isn't in it. I know that I am lucky I will have the opportunity to celebrate when he does return, but sometimes I wish that our lives weren't always - celebrate when we can and not necessarily when we should. But that is life and it's our life. A birthday is an arbitrary date - the chance to celebrate it at any time with the one you love the most - that is what is important.
Today I think of that birthday long ago and all the happy memories since and I look forward to the time when I will celebrate again....

Friday, September 28, 2007

What's in a Name?

Everything, of course! The name determines the spirit, the very nature of the thing itself. So, some people have asked me about the name for my new blog here. Why Snowflake submerged?
Well, I'm Snowflake. That isn't my real name of course, but it has been my moniker, my online alias if you will, for over three years now. My husband gave me the name Snowflake. It's because I love the winter and I love the snow - usually. My Robert says that I am like a Snowflake because I am beautiful and unique. There will never be another one of me. I love it that he gave me such a special name and I use it because he gave it to me. He also calls me girlfriend, but that is more of an endearment just between us.
The submerged part of the name seems obvious. Yes, it has to do with my husband being a submariner, but it is also representative of so many other things. There are times in my life where I do feel overwhelmed, where I do feel the waves closing over my head, you know? What am I submerged under? Laundry, for one. The insanity that comes with two little girls and all that goes along with being a stay at home mom.
Don't get me wrong, I love my life and wouldn't have it any other way... but still, Snowflake Submerged fits.

They Don't Know Me At All.....

You know, it's funny, but after 2 1/2 - 3 years of knowing someone, you'd think that they'd have some insight into who you are. I have a group of friends, online mostly, and it becomes more evident everyday that most of them don't have the slightest inkling into who I really am. It's sort of sad really.
Just yesterday, I heard that I shared my feelings in writing because another friend "put me up to it." I have to tell you, that is the funniest thing that I had heard in a really long time. Anyone who knows me at all knows that I do things because I think I should, because it is something that it important to me. No one makes me do anything that I don't want to.
A long time ago, when I was in Catholic school, one of the nuns there told me that my mouth was going to get me into trouble. She was right. I have always been opinionated - at least about the things that matter to me. As far as I know, I have never been afraid to speak out about those things that I felt needed to be addressed - even if my own views weren't "popular". To sit quietly has never been my way. I would never want it to be my way.
I have a brain and God gave me the ability to think for myself, reason through all the information, form an opinion, and above all - articulate it. That's what I do. Talking and in some cases writing is critical to who I am. I try to use my voice to help others. Sometimes I use it for myself, but I can say that I have NEVER used it because someone else told me to. The very idea of that is laughable.
For those that don't know me, and those that think they do - this is who I am.
I am:
a mother
a friend
at least quasi- intelligent
an advocate
a rebel
a proud American

Some people love me. Some people don't. But love me or not, this is who I am.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Why I Love Heroes

You know, there is just so much to love about the show Heroes. Not the least of which is all the eye candy. As you may have guessed, Peter Petrelli is my favorite. More on that later....
I love that the show is so unpredictable. I love how, like a good Dickens novel, the writers take seemingly random events and people, and connect them all into an intricately wound story. I love that this show consistantly exceeds my expectations.
One of my favorite aspects of the show is the comparion and contrast of the characters of Peter Petrelli and Sylar. ( Side note, I love the actor that plays Skylar and think he is just AMAZING!) Peter and Sylar and both incredibly powerful. Both of them are able to absorb the powers of others that they have come into contact, but it is the manner in which they absorb these powers that is most interesting.
Sylar wanted to be extraordinary. Ridiculed as a child by his mother that he could be so much more, he was disappointed when his only power appeared to be really keen hearing. But then, we notice Sylar's ability to ascertain what makes thinks work - what makes them "tick". It doesn't take long for Sylar to discover that if he ingests the brains of another "hero" he absorbs their power. Sylar becomes more powerful by killing - mercilessly.
Peter on the other hand is a nurse for a dying man when we first meet him. Peter thinks that he can fly, but soon discovers that he can't. Peter's real power lies in the ability to use his feelings - his empathy and love for his fellow human being. Through this empathetic ability, Peter is able to absorb the powers of the heroes around him just by thinking about them. Peter is powerful because of his ability to love.
At the end of season one, I thought they both were dead- Peter and Sylar. But with Peter back, can Sylar be far behind? I am anxious to see what else season 2 has in store.

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

I Have My Hands Full This Time Around....

I have two beautiful daughters. They are alike in so many ways and yet, also very different. Rationally I know that being siblings doesn't make them carbon copies of one another, but they are just so drastically different. I love each of my daughters and they both have their own talents and their own beauty, but sometimes the differences can be challenging.

Both of my daughters love to learn and soak up everything - literally everything - around them. My eldest though has always been very eager to demonstrate everything she knows. She knew her ABC's by 2, could sing the Star Spangled Banner by the same age, loved to write and could clearly write her name by 3.

My youngest is a whole different story. My Emily, she does everything in her own way and on her own terms. Usually this is something that I encourage and admire, but it makes some aspects of being her mother very difficult. Unlike my oldest, she doesn't like to demonstrate what she knows, so sometimes figuring out the depths of her understanding is difficult. She loves to color and play school, but writing? She could take or leave it. She knows how to spell her name and yet refuses to recognize it at school - even when asked. Maybe especially when asked.

I know my daughter is smart - maybe too smart for her own good, if you know what I mean. I wish she were a little more malleable and a lot less stubborn, but then I realize that would be asking her to be other than she is. I love her for all that makes her a unique human being, I just hope that I am up to the challenge of being her mom and giving her all the things that she needs to make a success out of her life. Sometimes being a mom is really scary....

Monday, September 24, 2007

Just Goes to Show...

You never know what you are truly capable of until you try! Yep, yesterday I was telling the story of the refrigerator debacle. As I shared, I thought fixing it was beyond even my capabilities. I know what is wrong with the thing, which is always 9/10th's of fixing anything. So anyhow, I unplugged it yesterday, defrosted it and got out my trusty screwdriver. I opened up the entire back panel of the refrigerator - no small task, let me tell you.
I was able to get all the ice out and reconnect everything. When I replugged it all - the horrible whirring noise had stopped, so we will see what happens.
I realized how much I actually do use that refrigerator. Well, not the fridge quite as much as the freezer. My side by side upstairs is small and just doesn't hold much freezer wise. Plus, the way my girls drink milk, without the refrigerator downstairs, I would be running to the grocery store every other day and who the hell needs that?? Hopefully this will do it.
I seriously think that my husband needs to up my monthly allotment to include all this repair time.....

Sunday, September 23, 2007

I Can Do Alot With A Screwdriver... but Even I Have My Limits

I'm a Navy wife - hence the title of the blog. I'm Snowflake and my husband is currently submerged. Well, Murphy's law has once again proved to be true in the case of this Navy wife. Our version of Murphy's is " Whatever can go wrong, WILL, while they are deployed." Seriously though, this underway hasn't been as chaotic as some.

Even so, in only one weeks time I have had to take apart and rebuild my vacuum cleaner, change the belt ( no biggie...), fix my thermostat on my air conditioning ( which sadly in September I still need...) change the filter on the a/c, fix the breaker for my washer and dryer and now the spare refrigerator that I keep in my basement has decided to go on the fritz too.

The refrigerator always has been a piece of shit since the day we bought it. It looks nice and it certainly wasn't cheap (are they ever?) but we've had our problems since day one. So, the other day, I notice that it is frosting up. It shouldn't be. So I turn down the settings ( or rather up, depending on how you are looking at it) check to make sure that the intact isn't blocked adn I defrost the thing.

It continues to build up frost. So, a day or so ago, I moved my food. Good thing because today the machine is making a noise like a car that just won't turn over. I have unplugged it and I am attempting to defrost the thing... and as good as I am with a screwdriver, even I have my limitations. This is why I married an engineer! To bad he's under the damn Atlantic!