Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

Today is my birthday and it certainly isn't the same without you. I miss my first thing in the morning phone call and your off key voice singing happy birthday. I wonder who will be the first to call this year.

It's been over a month that you have been gone and I miss you everyday. You used to tell me that a girl's dad was the only man that she can trust, and I miss having you to rely on. I guess I never realized just how much I did. When I called you everyday, I used to tell myself that was for you but in reality, now I know that it was as much for myself as it was for you. I love and miss you so much.

I know that you are in a better place now - a world where Cancer can never touch you, and for that, I am so grateful. I look forward to the day that I will see you again. Did I tell you that I started a Relay for Life team here in New London? I'm sick of the people that I love having Cancer. First it took Grandma, then Pop-pop, then Uncle John and now you... It's just too much. And now, the doctor's have found a "suspicious growth" on Bill's kidney. Just in the same area where we first discovered your Cancer. Too many good people have died and I have decided to do something about it. I know that would make you proud, you were always so proactive and did so much to help others.

I was thinking about the time that I was in the hospital when I was a little girl the other day. Remember the twin boys with the webbed hands? I remember that their parents never came to visit them, but you bought them both a baseball mitt to wear when their operation was over. It's funny the things that I had buried in my subconscious somewhere but now I remember and see so clearly.

I am so thankful for all the years we had together. I wish I would have told you that I loved you more, but I hope you always knew. You are, and will forever be, my hero. I wish you were here with me today..... I love you Dad.

It's Three More Feet - You've Got to be Kidding Me!

I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off for the past two days. I'm having some girlfriends over tonight ( so excited!) and I wanted the house to look beautiful. I love it when it's really clean, but sometimes it just seems like it's impossible to maintain.

I have two little girls ages 10 and 6 and a husband. Everyone in my family, myself included sometimes, seems to have it "stays where it lays" mentality. Shoes on the floor, backpacks and jackets, socks... just stuff everywhere. So, I have promised to make more of an effort to maintain our beautiful home and I am hoping that my whole family will support me in this endevour. I am sure it will be an effort to retrain everyone though. I guess maybe I just have to make it more of a priority and sort of "get on" people when they don't do the things that they should. Still, being a harpy gets old and just once, it would be really nice if people in my family did the right thing without asking.

I asked my husband to take up a pile of his laundry and put it away. A few minutes later, I climbed the stairs, heavy carpet cleaner in my hand only to open my bedroom door and literally find his stuff thrown on the floor where he left it. Really? You couldn't take two extra steps to get it to the bed? Or better yet just friggin put it away like I asked? Is that really so hard???? So here I am venting about it. I did mention it to him - I even ut the stuff on his bed so that he would have to clean it off before he gets in. Probably I will find it on the again later today. Grrrr...... Sometimes it gets old being the Harpy and older still when it's necessary.

I'm in Love.... with Rhett Butler

I just finished rereading Gone with the Wind and can I just say that I love Rhett? My Dad always called me Scarlett, a comparison that I often found unattractive, but now that I am older I think I understand. Scarlett is the one who kept her family together, she worked hard to save Tara - she sacrificed everything including her own happiness. Sometimes she was selfish and heartless but in the end, she always did what she believed was right.
The final scene between Scarlett and Rhett is just heart rending...."Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn." You know deep down that Rhett still loves Scarlett, that he will always love Scarlett. I guess he just couldn't handle the pain of thinking she didn't love him anymore. Do you think that in any potential relationship that there is always a "deal breaker"? That one thing that makes you walk away when you would rather not? I always wondered what happened after that. Knowing Scarlett, I am sure that she got her man in the end, at least I hope so.

I have been reading like crazy lately and I realized that I hadn't updated my blog. So here is a brief review:
The White Queen by Phillipa Gregory. This is the story of Elizabeth Woodville - queen to Edward the 4th and mother to the infamous "Princes in the Tower". I have to say that while I have found Gregory's other historical fictions dubious on occassion - I loved this one. Gregory's portrayal of Edward was so heartfelt and absolutely believeable. I think she nailed it. Best of all, she doesn't follow the cast of usual suspects in the case of her missing boys but entertains all possibilities. I am looking forward to the next installment.

The History of Love - by Nicole Krauss. This has to be one of the most original stories that I have ever read. It was captivating and comes at the reader from so many different angles and perspectives. I enjoyed it thoroughly, and was captivated by how different it was.

The Lace Reader by Brunonia Barry. I loved the historical references of people and places in this one. It is set in Ipswich/ Salem so that was very interesting. At times I felt lost and confused by the writers style, but still found the story to be enjoyable.

The Weight of Silence by Heather Gudenkauf. This story was riveting. It is about a little girl - who can not speak and her best friend - both of whom disappear. THere are so many different themes in this book - the repurcussions of our actions, destiny and true love, karma, what defines who we are, and more. It was a quick read with much fodder for thought.

Up next: Elsewhere, Tell Me Where it Hurts and I am still working on The Brothers Karamozov.

Been There, Done That, Got the T-shirt.... A Rant of Sorts

So most of you know that I love my husband. I adore him really. He is my soulmate and my twin flame. But sometimes, just sometimes, all the pistons aren't firing. You know how it is when you get comfortable in life? Maybe things aren't how you would *really* want them to be, but hey, they're close enough and you are satisfied? Well, sometimes that it is the way I feel. Both my husband and I feel satisfied with parts of our lives and well, somewhat less than satisfied in others. Herein lies the problem though - they aren't the same things.

My husband hates his job. He busts his ass everyday to provide for me and our children. I see it, I appreciate it. As a result, he is often tired when he gets home and most nights we wind up sitting in front of the tv ( which is alright) and then going to bed - usually with me wide awake and he sound asleep within minutes. At times it gets to be frustrating.

I am almost 39 years old and yet I feel like I am living the life of a much older woman. At times I don't feel appreciated as a woman. A mother? Yes. A friend? You bet. Hell, even a housekeeper and occasional laundress? Well, good enough. But as a woman? Not quite. Not really.

I was out this morning with friends. We went to get coffee. I put my makeup on, did my hair all nice and straight, the way my husband usually likes it ( when he notices). I could feel the appreciative stares of other men. It makes me feel good that they notice the effort that I took with my appearance. I'm not the girl I was when I was 18, or even 25. I get it. But I do try. I do brush my hair every day, try to make it look pretty, do my makeup, wear nice clothes that flatter my shape.... But to be honest, I can't remember the last time my husband looked at me with that gleam of appreciation in his eye, or told me that I looked beautiful. Sometimes I feel guilty for enjoying the looks and smiles of other men, even though it would never, ever in a million years go anywhere beyond that.

You know, they say that vanilla is the finest of the flavors - but it isn't always. Sometimes mint chocolate chip, cookie dough, and even strawberry are also nice. Ok, so that is me speaking in code but the fact is, after 13 years together, our sex life is a little bland. He knows what I like, I know what he likes, and sometimes it feels as if there is nothing new to try or experience in that aspect of our lives together. It feels routine. Ugh. Isn't that a terrible word? In my minds eye, I am a wanton sex goddess, but in my husband's eyes? I'm a almost 40 year old housewife.

Seriously, anyone reading this... all thoughts are appreciated on what you do to keep your love life fresh and interesting. I'm getting depesperate.