Friday, April 24, 2009


I hate it when I feel life spiraling out of control. But honestly, when doesn't that happen? Even though I am OCD to the extreme, even I realize that control is just an illusion. Still, it is an illusion that I cling to.
Right now everything feels unorganized, starting with the laundry that I need to put away and spiralling all the way through my life and ending with my weak attempts to make plans for the summer. Everything in my life is on hiatus right now.
So far, my husband and I think we are staying where we are, but until he actually reports to his new job, anything can happen. At first, it looked like we were getting out of this hell hole that he calls a job a little early, only to find out that we are leaving at exactly the time we were told that we were. Ugh. I just want my husband off the boat and I surely don't want him going on sea trials with it. All of that is totally out of my control though.
I don't know what is going on with my father's illness. He is now halfway through his radiation treatments, and so far so good. Still, one of his legs is swollen and I am unsure if they are going to allow him to have any further, follow on treatment. I don't know what impact further treatment will have on his health and lifespan. One of my sisters was supposed to spend the last two weeekends there, but neither happened. I'm not really sure what is going on or when they will visit as planned. Both of my sisters kind of fly by the seat of their pants and that makes me absolutely crazy!!!!!
I am trying to plan a trip over the summer to take the children to visit my mom while I go and care for my Dad. My one sister works as an airline captain actually and she is also a full time single mom, so her life is crazy. The other doesn't work but she is just going, going, going all the time. Neither one seem to really understand the constrictions put on my life by my husband's crazy job. For example, I can't just get a babysitter to help and then leave my children here with him. I don't know what is going to happen from one day to the next at his job and things only appear to be getting worse. He is so stressed out and morale there seems, from the bottom up, to be at an all time low - just one more reason I can't wait to get off the boat. ( There was a time I never thought I would say that... Strange how things change)
My youngest has her ballet recital coming up this month. That means three days a week rehearsals, dress rehearsals, picture night, etc... It's wonderful but it also adds a lot of stress during an already stressful time. I guess I just better hang on because it looks like life is going to be like living on the edge of a black hole for a while.


Loud Larry said...

Snowflake, find this song and listen to it. It will make you smile.

Don’t worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin’: don’t worry about a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right!
Rise up this mornin’,
Smiled with the risin’ sun
Three little birds
Pitch by my doorstep

Singin’ sweet songs
Of melodies pure and true,
Sayin’, this is my message to you

Singin’: don’t worry ’bout a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right.
Singin’: don’t worry ‘bout a thing,
cause every little thing gonna be all right!

Three Little Birds by Bob Marley

snowflake said...

Thanks Larry.... You're right. Sometimes I just have to release all that is pent up inside, but deep down, I know you are right.