It's Been a While

It's amazing how in the blink of an eye, your whole life can change. I haven't been around much lately... there have been a few things going on in my life. Approximately three weeks ago, my mom and I were driving down the round on our way to the gym.
We were chatting and having the normal day. We had our day all planned out, right down to what we were going to order from Subway for lunch. All of a sudden, on the road ahead, I see a blue car fish taling out of control. I said to my mom, "Oh my God, look at him..." and by the time I had that sentence out, he had hit us - head on. I did my best to try to avoid him, all to no avail.
In the blink of an eye my whole life had changed. My car was gone. My mom was hurt. I'm just thankful that somehow we both managed to make it through the accident with our lives. In an instant, my children could have been motherless, all because some asshole wanted to drink and drive - at NOON.
Thank God I was driving an SUV. My Hyundai did exactly what it was built to do. It probably saved my life. Now that I am looking for a new car, I'd like another Hyundai.
I have never been in a ambulance before. I guess I was in shock. I can remember people scrambling all around, firemen saying things to me - I could see their lips moving but not quite make out what they were saying. The ambulance ride was almost as terrifying as the accident itself. I hate feeling out of control and nohthing is as helpless as being strapped on a board with a huge neckbrace on so that you can't move while someone else drives.
These life altering moments really bring real life into perspective though. This year, I am accutely aware of what is really important in my life. I am thankful that my mom and I both walked away from the accident. I am thankful to be with my family and my children. I am thankful for my LIFE. Situations like this are a reminder that we are all one second away from the end. Every time we say good bye to a loved one could be the last. We don't have any guarantees. I'm going to make sure my loved ones always know I love them because I don't want my last words to be harsh ones. I am going to live every day like it could be my last because that truly is the reality.

The search for words....

Have you ever gone so long without writing that you suddenly find you have nothing to say? That's the way I've been feeling lately. It's almost as if the ability to write, if not used every day, becomes a clogged bit of machinery -simply to tired and rusty to continue. So today, I make a point to search for the words and find something to say. Without the ability to write, I fear I would also lose myself entirely.

My sister in law told me a story recently that I guess best encapsulates this fear from me. Her mother in law is living with them now. She is elderly and sadly suffering from a very bad case of Alzheimers. I am told that her symptoms are always bad but she seems to get more disorientated at night. At any rate the idea of forgetting my loved ones was my greatest fear until I heard of something worse. Kay, the woman I am speaking of, has Alzheimers so bad that she is even forgetting the meaning of words. It isn't bad enough that she doesn't realize that my brother in law is her son, she no longer understands what the word son means.

I can't imagine living in a world without words. I can't fathom having to search through the void to find their meaning. All my life the words have been my friend. They have been there to comfort me when no one else could. I write to express myself and clean the cobwebs out so to speak. If I ever lost that ability, my life would truly be over.

In those moments that I want to tell people how I really feel - especially when the emotion is difficult or intense - my tongue gets thick and my words won't come. I have no other option but to write them down. My fingers don't have an issue getting the words out when my tongue refuses to work. My fingers fly across the keyboard getting all those powerful emotions out. But if they had to struggle to remember the meaning of the words... that for me is the equivalent of Dante's worst level of hell - frozen, impotent and forgotten.