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Friday, August 27, 2010

Don't try to find him... he's not there

A year ago, on the 8th of August, my Dad lost his battle to Cancer. I have missed him every day since then. People tell you that when the funeral is done, the worst is over, but it isn't, it's just beginning. What you have left is a life that must go on while you miss a person that you love. It's tough.
Still, I know my Dad would want life to go on, for me to be happy, for his grandchildren to be happy. I know he's watching me and taking care of me still. I'd like to say that I was a good daughter, but in reality, I was something of a disappointment. I tried. Last summer was very hard. I was here taking care of my Dad for six weeks. I went home and two weeks later, he was gone, I never saw it coming. I thought I had more time.
All that said, I told my dad the things I needed to say. He was and always and forever will be my hero.
I didn't cry at his memorial service, he would have hated that. Even though he said tears were for funerals, he hated crying. I came back home for three weeks to be here on his anniversary, spend some time with my mom and step-father. It is wonderful and difficult to be here in the places that he was. All this time, I thought about going to the cemetery, paying my respects. I know he would have liked that.... But I just can't and I hope he will understand. Maybe that makes me weak, but I can't look at that hole in the ground and think of my father, who was my own personal John Wayne, as being in that place. I know that only his body is there and the rest of him is in a much better place, where there is no more Cancer.... but I just can't go there. I want to think of him as the last time I saw him, standing in his yard smiling and waving goodbye....

4 comments:

Bella N Chief said...

Oh how my heart goes out to you. Even after two and a half years I struggle everyday. Visiting my daddys gravesite is still one of the hardest things to do. Just remember, when there's thunder, he's bowling! Big hugs honey!

Michelle V. Alkerton said...

((HUGS))

Ann M. said...

Beautiful post, and thank you for sharing.

I think that everyone has their own timetable as far as grief is concerned. Maybe, in time, you'll be able to go to him and pay your respects, but I think that you are doing what is right for you at this point in time--being where you have memories of him. If that's not being mindful of him and paying respects, I don't know what is.

Chin up.

snowflake said...

Thanks for all your support guys, it is greatly appreciated!