Don't try to find him... he's not there

A year ago, on the 8th of August, my Dad lost his battle to Cancer. I have missed him every day since then. People tell you that when the funeral is done, the worst is over, but it isn't, it's just beginning. What you have left is a life that must go on while you miss a person that you love. It's tough.
Still, I know my Dad would want life to go on, for me to be happy, for his grandchildren to be happy. I know he's watching me and taking care of me still. I'd like to say that I was a good daughter, but in reality, I was something of a disappointment. I tried. Last summer was very hard. I was here taking care of my Dad for six weeks. I went home and two weeks later, he was gone, I never saw it coming. I thought I had more time.
All that said, I told my dad the things I needed to say. He was and always and forever will be my hero.
I didn't cry at his memorial service, he would have hated that. Even though he said tears were for funerals, he hated crying. I came back home for three weeks to be here on his anniversary, spend some time with my mom and step-father. It is wonderful and difficult to be here in the places that he was. All this time, I thought about going to the cemetery, paying my respects. I know he would have liked that.... But I just can't and I hope he will understand. Maybe that makes me weak, but I can't look at that hole in the ground and think of my father, who was my own personal John Wayne, as being in that place. I know that only his body is there and the rest of him is in a much better place, where there is no more Cancer.... but I just can't go there. I want to think of him as the last time I saw him, standing in his yard smiling and waving goodbye....

New Years and What Not....

So last year I have a slew of New Years Resolutions. I achieved some of my goals, while others, as my best friend would say are "a work in progress." I guess that is the way it goes.

So an overview of the goals that I did accomplish. I am very proud to say that I sit here debt free. Yep, the credit cards are paid off and most of them are GONE. What a huge monkey that was to get off my back!

While I didn't lose another twenty five pounds, I did manage to keep off the weight that I lost last year. I am happy to maintain and will continue to work on making healthier choices this year. I'm off to a bang up start - plain bagel with cream cheese. Can you hear the sarcasm? Oh well. Tomorrow is actually the first, right?

Some of my goals in retrospect seem lofty and well, from where I sit today still remain a work in progress. I don't do a gratitude walk, but I do reflect on those things that I am thankful for every night when I pray. I really do need to focus on being more thankful. Sometimes it is hard.

It was a difficult year. 2009 saw the end of my father's ongoing battle with Cancer - the last battle. Even though he lost the fight, he did it with grace, faith, and courage - in the end I know he won the war and is in a better place without Cancer now. All those things that I thought I was doing for him, I know now that I benefited so much more than he ever did. I hope that the things I did for him made his last days a little easier. I wish I could have seen him one more time, but I am happy to remember him as I do, instead of in a hospital bed.

I am glad to close the door on 2009. Bag it and tag it, put it on the shelf and move on. 2010 has to bring better things - for everyone.