Tuesday, November 13, 2007

I'm So Tired

of so many things.....
1. I'm tired of being so thrilled by an e-mail because that is all I have.
2. I'm tired of being alone.
3. I'm tired of sleeping alone.
4. I'm tired of raising my children predominantly alone.
5. I'm tired of fixing shit.
6. I'm tired of worrying.
7. I'm tired of too little time having to be enough.
8. I'm tired of feeling guilty because at least I have some time.
9.I'm tired of feeling like I can't really be honest.
10;I'm tired of pretending that everything is ok when it isn't.
11. I'm tired of not knowing who I am.
12. I'm tired of loving someone who is so far away.
13. I'm tired of sounding so emotional and pathetic.
14. I'm tired of feeling like chicken little - just waiting for the sky to fall.
15. I'm tired of living the life of a human yo-yo. The highs are awesome but the lows.... yeah, they suck.
16. I'm tired of my daughters fighting.
17. I'm tired of yelling.
18. I'm tired of moving and of having people I love move.

I really just want my husband to come home and I would really like to have him for more than 7 weeks out of the last 18. Yes, I know this is what my life is ... but every once in a well, I just need to get it out. Once I do, it will pass and somehow I will make this all ok because it has to be. So just bear with me. I promise, the pity party won't last long. In fact, it's already starting to pass. The carpet man is on his way and I'll feel better when my carpet is clean. Clean carpet has the same rejuvenation effect as a new lipstick. Weird, I know....


Half my Heart said...

Wow, numbers
10;I'm tired of pretending that everything is ok when it isn't.
11. I'm tired of not knowing who I am.

really struck me. I feel the same way... even more so now. People just don't get it - with my husband home (even though he is away on business right now) they say "why wouldn't you be fine?" and the honest truth is b/c it strips you of who you are (or should be) when your life keeps going up and down over and over again. You get used to them being home, bam, they are gone... you get used to them being gone and then they come home... start to settle? bam, gone again. It puts more stress on us than most realize. I'm tired of feeling guilty that I have him. We are going through some PTSD here due to the lovely war and although exterior smiles say "life is grand" - interior hearts are broken.