Saturday, June 28, 2008

Keeping On... Keeping On... All the While, the Silence is Deafening

The thing I hate the most about my husband being gone? The silence. Most people don't realize what it is to not even be able to tell your husband that you love them - not even by e-mail, every day. There is no instant messaging, no two way phone, no nothing... just silence. That's my life for a large portion of the time that my husband is gone, and when he is silent, I worry.

I try every night to thank God for all the good things in my life, all the things that I have to be thankful for. It makes me feel good to accentuate the positive. I have my girls, so far they are having a wonderful summer and we are staying busy. We love going to the beach together, and thankfully, I have a fabulous and trustworthy babysitter. Things aren't too bad.

I have survived the first little while without some major disaster - knocking on wood profusely as I write this! All in all, things are not off to a bad start. I'm relieved.

Still, there are those moments when I am alone... working in the house and I look up and see his smile. My heart catches, my throat constricts, and.... it's just a picture. In that moment, the enormity of how long it will be just a picture hits.

I try to allow myself to feel what I feel. I like to end the day on a positive, as I said, and for the most part, I like to keep my days on a more positive than negative note. But sometimes, I need to cry. After I do, I pick myself up and life goes on.

Today, my oldest has her flying up ceremony. She will no longer be a Brownie, but instead, a junior girlscout. It's hard for me to believe. Even in a Navy town, I know it will only be a matter of minutes before some obtuse asshole asks me where my husband is. Still, with high hopes for a beautiful day together, my children and I head out the door.


Ann M. said...

I know exactly how you feel about the silence. It can be absolutely awful. I wish I could say something that would make you feel better, but I haven't found anything that works for me either. I usually just end up writing letters to him in a notebook that I give him when he gets home.

Moonaroo said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Moonaroo said...

Thank you for writing in such a thought provoking and positive manner about your husband and how hard his absence has been for your family. It helps someone like me to stop nagging and appreciate my husband more. The "deleted" comment was from me, I tried to edit my first comment and messed up a bit. Have a great day!

Just Angela said...

Congrats to your new Girl Scout! You are a positive role model and I'm so glad to know you.

kateandjona said...

Silence is difficult, my friend. Keep focusing on the fact that this silence is temporary, keep focusing on the positive ... you're doing fine, even tho it doesn't feel like it some days. Big Hugs!