Thursday, February 12, 2009

An Anniversary... of Sorts.

As I was thinking about the impending holiday this coming Saturday, it suddenly occurred to me that it's an anniversary of sorts for Robbie and I. It actually made me both happy and sad when I had this realization. After all, this is a very special Valentine's Day for us, and once again, he isn't here. I'm starting to sound like a broken record, aren't I?
Ten years ago this Saturday is the day that my husband asked me to marry him. I remember it like it was yesterday. We usually would spend the weekends together visiting my mom and stepdad in Melbourne, FL. They had a beautiful place, right off the beach and we loved to visit them there.
Most of my friends know that I am the morning glory in my family - up with the sun and happy about it. My husband, on the other hand, is the night owl who could, and would, sleep in until noon if I would let him. I knew that something was afoot on this particular weekend because he asked me to wake him so that we could go for a walk and watch the sunrise. Odd for him, but it pleased me. We often talked about how we had seen many sunsets together but not too often a sunrise.Plus, we both love the beach and it is so peaceful and beautiful first thing in the morning.
The next morning, I woke him up as promised and he got up and dressed without a complaint. he seemed fidgety looking back on it all and I remember feeling nervous. Deep down I guess I already realized that something momentous in my life was about to happen.
It was a gorgeous morning - clear, blue skies and warm but not hot. I love the beach and on Indiatlantic it is especially nice. There are lots of shells and the brown sugar surf is so soft under your feet. I lived my life there barefoot and this particular morning was no different.
We walked along in silence - hand in hand - for what seemed the longest time. We watched the most amazing sunrise all pink and orange blaze across the sky. I remember thinking that I couldn't tell where his hand ended and mine began and that I always wanted to feel that way. I never wanted to be someone's wife before, nor had I ever really wanted a husband. Personal experience had taught me that such ideals were antiquated and not necessarily positive relationships.
I remember walking over to some stairs on the beach and watching the sun come up. As we watched, I could feel something building up. Finally, he spoke to me. I'd love to tell you that I remember his exact words, but honestly, as I watched him ask me to be his life partner, I was stunned, speechless, nervous, THRILLED! So many emotions were racing through my mind that I couldn't focus on all the words that he said, but I certainly remember the most important ones!
I remember him asking me to be the love of his life, his life partner, his wife and in that moment, I could think of nothing else that I wanted to be more than that. From that day to this, no, long before that day to this, I have loved him with all my heart. Each day, each year doesn't diminish how much I love him but it grows and grows. When I look at him now, ten years later, I still see the man I saw on that beach. I still see his wicked smile, the intelligence and sensitivity behind his eyes, I still feel the gentleness of his hands.
How many Valentines Day's have I taken for granted and looked at as nothing more than the celebration of capatalism in a cynical world? This year, when he can't be here for me to share these things, an epiphany. Even though he can't be here today and he won't be here on Saturday, I know that he is always with me and hopefully, even though I haven't as yet expressed these thoughts in more than writing, deep down I know that his heart already knows.