Sunday, February 8, 2009


That time is quickly drawing near when my husband will be floating out of my life again. I guess, after the last three years, that I should be used to it but I'm not and I wonder if I ever will.

I hate the time just before a departure. I can feel us both pulling away, seperating from one another. I realize that at least for me this is a defensive mechanism. If I don't feel connected then maybe it won't hurt so much when he leaves. It still sucks though.

I watch him getting crankier and less patient with the children. I know that he isn't looking forward to the coming time either. It would be nice if he would communicate the way he really feels with me, but I guess the pulling away is a defensive thing for him too, at least in a way.

I am looking forward to the time when this won't be our life, one big series of hellos and goodbyes. Some sick, sadistic part of me will miss it but for the most part it will be wonderful to have my family whole and well - all of the time.

For now, this is our life and things go as they must. I will drive him to the waterfront with a smile on my face and spend the rest of the morning crying. He won't see, he won't ever know, but as I watch him walk away part of me is so very proud and the other part is a little girl, curled up in a ball dying.....


Ann M. said...

Very well said.

I'm sorry he's leaving again. We do the pulling-away thing too, and it does make it tough. You want to talk about it but at the same time, it's the last thing anybody wants to talk about, because talking about it makes it more real and means it is going to happen. In a messed up way, I'm almost relieved when he finally leaves because all that tension goes and I can focus on dealing with him being done instead.

Keep your chin up.