Will it Really Help?

Whenever my husband leaves, I am filled with anxiety. I stress about my children, my husband's safety, money, the smells of my car, the noises that any normal house makes and every other little thing under the sun. I hate having all these worries and the feeling that they never go away.
Yesterday my garage door opener went on the blink. Apparently when installed it was never lined up properly and now, fixing it, is going to take my step dad and I several hours later today. Why can't shit just work properly? I mean, is that really so much to ask??
I'm tired of being grateful that I am good with a screwdriver. I'd rather just not have these things go wrong in the first place. Sure it will get fixed, but in the meanwhile, it is just going to give me something else to worry about. Now my heat makes a terrible noise every time one of the zones goes on and I hate that. I worry that the machine isn't working right - why do I always feel like I am just waiting for the other shoe to drop? I hate feeling like chicken little and that the sky is falling. It's a terrible way to live your life.
A friend of mine suggested keeping an anxiety journal, you know writing down all the things that I am worried about. I somehow suspect that it would get awfully long very quickly. I will try anything if it would mean being about to put some of these worries to rest, but I wonder if it will help?

The Gift of ONE MORE DAY....

"I wish to have no connection with any ship that does not sail fast; for I intend to go in harm's way. "

Yes, this morning I am grateful for the most precious of all gifts. The gift of ONE MORE DAY. One more chance to tell the people that I love how I feel about them. I know that there are so many out there that don't have this gift, so I could never justify taking this one for granted.
This morning I got to feel my husbands warm arms around me, feel his heartbeat against mine and whisper in his ear how much I love him. I was able to look into those big brown eyes and tell him how proud I am of him. I know what a precious gift this is. I know if tomorrow never comes I was able to say it ONE LAST TIME....
I am thankful for the ability to wake up my children this morning. I will look into their smiling faces, get their good mornings kisses, and have one more day to tell them how they each are the light of my life. Without my children, I would be nothing more than a shadow wandering hopelessly through life. They are my joy, my inspiration, they are my immortality. This morning I get to tell them how proud I am of them, how much joy they have brought to my life. As I do, I will thnk of those that can't do the same, and I will hug my children all the tighter as I thank the goodness of the universe for just ONE MORE DAY.
Today both my mom and dad are still with me. I still have time to say thank you for all they have given me in my life. I can tell them that I love them and I can listen to all their life stories..... I still have time to absorb their wisdom. I still have ONE MORE DAY.
ONE MORE DAY is the greatest gift that I will ever get, aside from the love of my family. Who do you have that chance for one more day with today? What will you do to make the most of it?
Thank you so much for my chance for one more day....

Godsped ~ Fair winds and a following sea....

Struggling to find my balance.

So here we go again. Husband here. Husband gone. I swear that I am the equivalent of a human yo- yo. I'm so tired of it. I hate the emotional ups and downs. Even worse, this time, departure day coincided with my periods arrival. Nice, huh? I feel like I am emotionally spiraling out of control and I am really struggling to get back some sense of balance. I hate feeling like I'm ok only to have the rug pulled out from under me.

I hate it when my husband leaves. It's like watching teh world go two shades of grey darker only to wait some untold amount of time for the sun to come back. I know that sounds pathetic, but it's how I feel. Yes, I have my life and it goes on when he isn't here, but nothing is the same without him.

Still, trying to focus.

So there are 30 days from today until Thanksgiving. I can't tell you how I am looking forward to Thanksgiving! Every year my daughter and I write a Thanksgiving journal. That's 30 entries - one for each day - of something different that we are thankful for. I hope that trying to approach life with a more grateful heart will help me find the peace of self and balance that I am looking for.

Ok, so today, in another forum I wrote a post about how I was thankful for my husband and all he does for our family. It was a beautiful post but since I am already all teary, I just can't go there again.

Let's think of something else. I am thankful for my beautiful home. As I walk from room to room, it fills me with pride and a sense of security, warmth and happiness. For the past year, my family has filled this home with love and happy memories and I am so grateful for that. I am grateful that my daughters have a home that they can be proud of, that they can be safe.
That's a really important thing to be thankful for.

Lighting a Candle

Well, it has been a little while since I last wrote. I have been a little dink, as they say in the Navy, in regard to my blog here. In my defense, life has been nothing short of insane lately. I don't really know why, I have just been feeling the stress. I hate the way that feels.

One thing that has really been the light in the darkness for me lately is volunteering every Friday at my daughter's school. I was asked by the teacher to help the children every Friday with Writer's workshop. What could possibly be better? I read all their stories and then make suggestions for more detail, clarification, and editing that needs done. It fills my heart with joy to see their faces when I walk into the room. The literally light up! Their smiles and their enthusiasm is so contagious!!

I usually work with 6-10 children a week, depending on how much work there is to be done. it's incredible how vibrant their imaginations are!!! Given the same set of words that they must use, and a specific story title, it is awesome how all of their stories are so unique - just like each one of them. Each story that I read reflects a bit of each child - their interests, their abilities, their lives - it's all there in black and white. I can tell you that Nathan likes soccer, The Legend of Zelda, camping and reading while Crystalline likes detective stories, reading, animals and mermaids.

Each child writes a story and then, before they come to me, they have to confer with a student partner in class. This can not always be the same person, so the children literally rotate around the room, working with every other person eventually. To see the constructive way that the work together, build one another up and support each other is truly amazing. We adults could learn alot just from watching the way that our children treat one another. Most of the time it is a beautiful thing.

Last week, one of my little girls was upset because she had so many corrections. Her story was incredible, but many of the words she was using were more complex and the corrections were simple spelling errors. I told her that we all have to learn and that we all make mistakes, it was learning from our mistakes that was important. The smile of joy on her face when I said that was like the sun coming out from behind a cloud, and then, the most amazing thing of all happened: she hugged me!!

I felt like the Queen of the World in that moment! I could do no wrong. The elation that these children feel and share just to know that an adult - ANY adult - cares about what they are doing and is interested, well, it is simply humbling. It is amazing how one small act of kindness creates a spark inside another person, which, if you are observant, you can watch blaze into a flame. A few minutes of your time, a few words of love, mean so much in the lives of our children. Most importantly, I know my daughter understands and appreciates what I do. IN her reflection sheet last week she wrote," I am happy because my mother is coming into our classroom today for writers workshop. It makes me and all my classmates happy to see her!" Nothing could be better than that!

So today, create a spark, light the flame in the life of another. Whether that other is your child, a neighbor, a friend or a total stranger - acts of kindness and love are a force of energy which once created, only grow and spread.

Facing the Inevitable

There is only two things that are sure in the military - you will move and you will deploy. Ugh. Right now I am facing the inevitable - again - the loss of a friend. It is so hard to move to a strange place, develop a strong connection with another person only to lose them just a short time later. Yet that is what we do every two and a half years or so. It's the part of the military that I like the least. Rationally I realize that when a friend moves, or I do, it doesn't mean that we are no longer friends, but I still miss that person.
I see other women who have lived in the same area all their lives, had the same friends since grade school, and I experience a pang of regret for what my life could have been. I look at their deep roots and it is one of the rare occasions where I feel envy.
Last night I had to say goodbye to another friend. Or at least it was good bye for now. Submarines are a very small community and often you run into the same people over and over again, sometimes whether you want to or not.
I have a coping mechanism that I call "the Scarlett O'Hara" - you know, I won't dwell on that today but I will think about it tomorrow. Sometimes I put facing up to difficult things for so long that I can't put it off any longer. Today is one of those times. I don't want my friend to move, but I know that it will happen whether I want it to or not.
Thank goodness for e-mail!!!!! I don't know what I would do without the Internet and my blog to help me feel connected. So for now, I say fair winds and following seas, until we meet again....

Words as Weapons

Just two little words - they seemed harmless enough - but they were enough to completely devastate a friend of mine. The words were, when asked if her husband had settled when he married her - his response was, " A little...." Needless to say, she was crushed and rightfully so. It's amazing how just a few little words from the one we love can do so much damage.
The other day, I was asking my husband about the things that he wanted to do before he died. I was asked this question on an Internet group and my answers were, in no particular order: watch my children grow up and graduate from high school and college, be a grandmother someday, go back to Ireland, see Scotland and England, go on a cruise to Alaska, swim with the dolphins, renew my wedding vows, celebrate 25 plus years together and write a book. His answers looked very different. Maybe it's a man thing, but his answers were: be an astronaut, be financially independent, and travel more. Now, is it me? Because upon reflecting on my answers and his, I realize that none of his answers involve me. He doesn't need me to achieve any of the things that he would like to do before he dies and this realization made me sad.
Today my friends pain brought me back to a memory that I wish that I could bury forever, never to see the light of day again. My husband and I were arguing. Yes, for those of you who wonder, we do occasionally do that. We were arguing about the thing that we always argue about - our sex life. Too much information, I know. He said some things that night - things that went straight to my heart and etched themselves there. I know that I will never forget them, no matter how much I want too.
That is what hurtful words do. They carve themselves in the heart of your loved one and they stay there forever. Every time your loved one feels doubt, or fear, those words will always be there. No amount of wishing or apologizing will ever make them heal.
A priest once told me to be careful what I said in anger, because words, once uttered could never be taken back. I am still working on that... sometimes I say things in anger that I regret, but I try to never speak in anger. I try.

Imagining Peace

I was ten years old the day that the music died. John Lennon was walking home from recording Double Fantasy. He wanted to see his son Sean before he went to bed. He was a legend, an icon, a hero, a husband and a father. John Lennon was so many things to so many people.

I grew up on the music of the Beatles and later John Lennon. It started with the happy, carefree tunes of "I Wanna Hold Your Hand" and matured into the lonely strains of "Eleanor Rigby." The music of Lennon and McCartney changed not just a generation - it changed the world. Literally. Their music was a reflection of the times in which they lived, and yet, they always tried to make the world a better place for every human being. This can especially be seen in Lennon's later solo works of "Give Peace a Chance" and the idyllic "Imagine".

Today, John Lennon would have turned 67 years old, but sadly, 27 years ago he was taken from us by a mad man. Thanks to his music though, his legacy lives on and will live on forever. This year, to commerate his birthday, Yoko Ono is unveiling the Imagine Peace Tower in Iceland. This tower is a 65-foot-tall wishing well emitting a blue stream of light into the night sky from an island in Reykjavik's harbor, and the structure is engraved with the words "Imagine Peace" in 24 languages. Yoko Ono invites us all to join her and thousands of others by sending your PEACE WISHES to the IMAGINE PEACE TOWER for October 9th.

A dream you dream alone is only a dream

A dream you dream together is reality

Yoko Ono

Imagine all the people living life in peace.

John Lennon

To send your wishes:Email: click here.Post: IMAGINE PEACE TOWER, P.O. Box 1009, 121 Reykjavik, Iceland.

It is interesting to note that the Peace Tower stands directly between the United States and the former Soviet Union. It will shine as a beacon to all that Peace is possible if we only let it be.... The tower will stand, along with his music and his dreams, as a permanent testimony of John Lennon's dream for all humanity.

"You may say that I'm a dreamer...

But I'm not the only one.

I hope some day you'll join us,

and the world will live as ONE."