Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Who I Was vs. Who I Am

It's funny how throughtout our lives, some things change and some things remain the same. My dad was recently here for a visit. Often, he likes to talk about events, often terrible events, that happened in my past. I hate these little walks down memory lane for many reasons. Primarily I dislike them because: 1. no one likes to be constantly reminded of their mistakes and 2. I'm just not that person anymore.

It's almost as if my life now began at 25. That was the year that my husband and I met. I have grown and changed so much in my life in the 12 years since then, that in many ways, I am almost unrecognizable, even to myself. I hate being compared to the person that I used to be - a person that I'm ashamed of. It bothers me when people who are close to me, especially my dad, sometimes can't seem to notice the difference.

I was painfully shy as a child and this reserve was often misunderstood as aloofness. I hated ( and still do!) loud noises and had difficulty joining in overly affectionate or boisterous situations. I my head and in my heart, I knew what it was when I saw something happening that I believed to be wrong, but standing up and saying something was completely out of the question. I lived my life in books, often preferring their company to that of real people. I guess in some ways that still holds true.

When I met my husband, even when we were just friends, I guess I really was like that flower just waiting to spread my petals and blossom. I believe that I came into my own. Sure, I still have those moments of being shy or reserved, but they are fewer and fewer. Often I am the first among my friends to share my feelings and encourage others to do so. I want to BE the person that I see in my husband's eyes. I want to BE the mother that my children can be proud of.

Yes, I still have a long one to go and many more life lessons to learn. But at least now, when I look in the mirrior, for the most part, I like the woman I see.


Jen said...

It sometimes frustrates me too, that our parents always remember our humble (and sometimes not so humble) beginnings. My mother too often reminds me of the the things I have done, the ways I have screwed up my life. It has taken me many years to realize that she is not trying to hurt me or punish me, and it is not even that she cannot let go of the past. It is her way (as insane as it seems to me) of letting me know that she sees how hard I have worked to better myself and to make a better life for not only myself but for my husband and children as well. I am sure that your father is proud of you, and I am also sure that he does not mean to hurt you with his trips down memory lane. Lots of love coming your way!!

Chaos Mommy said...

Some of us try desparately to hold on to that youth, and others like you, work hard at spreading those wings and flying away.
You already ARE a great mom and wife, Snow. And no, I'm not just blowing fluff at you :) I wouldn't say it if it weren't true.