Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Dealing With Issues - Why Can't I Just Let it Go?

I am on the edge of a cliff facing the great abyss, the chasm of the long goodbye. Every time i feel like I will handle it better this time, I'm more prepared, I can DO this. Yet every time I feel engulfed by all the same emotions: despair, hopelessness, loss of control and so much more. I feel like there are so many emotions bottled up inside me that if I have to deal with just one more, I'm going to explode.
In order to be prepared to do the things that I am going to need to do, I have to first deal with my own issues. Sometimes I feel at a loss as to how I will even do that. At times I feel so overwhelmed that I grasp for even a place to start. I guess I have to come to terms with my own issues and my own feelings first before I can deal with other issues or help others with their emotions.
So here's the thing. I'm hurt, devastatingly so, and I'm angry. I have all these emotions pent up and memories from last year that I thought I had dealt with and moved on from which are apparently still there somehow, like a splinter in my heart that is just festering.
I have all this anger - rationally I know that I shouldn't, but I do. I feel angry that my husband is leaving, even though I know that this is out of his control. I feel angry that so much of our time is shared and we have so little of it to begin with, and worse, I feel angry when he's tired all the time. He makes an effort to spend time with me, but honestly it's like being with a zombie - someone who is only half there. I sense this and I get mad. I get mad because I feel like I shouldn't have to feel second best or take second place, though rationally, I know that for right now at least, I must.
Do you see my conundrum? I GET that what I feel isn't right, isn't rational, but I can't stop feeling it and I can't change it. I WANT TO CHANGE IT, but I just don't know how to let all these feelings go.
Every cruel word - even those I know he didn't mean - they all weigh on my heart. Every careless comment like how it wasn't "worth it" for me to travel to see him, they each weigh on my like a planet of pain and regret. As I said in the past, I know that my man is not the "throw caution to the wind" type, but once, just once - because he loves me, I wish that he would.
I pour my heart out, in letters, in pictures, in blogs and I wonder: does he see? Does he know? Does he understand that it kills me to watch him walk away? Especially knowing that my job is to watch him go with a smile on my face. It seems like an impossible tasks.
How can I let these feelings go? How can I take the anger out of my life that is eating me and my marriage like a poison from inside? I just don't know the answers and I feel like I'm just groping in the dark. Still, I keep searching for a way to find the light. Any thoughts? Suggestions?


Ann M. said...

I wish I did have a suggestion for you but I deal with the similar issues myself and haven't come up with anything. DH was TAD for 7 months somewhere and I could barely get him to agree to have me come visit. If he hadn't needed emergency surgery to have his appendix out and needed my help to recover, I think I would have been there a total of 4 days during that whole time.

I think they know how hard it is for us to watch them walk away. I think that's why they get the way they do before they leave. Doesn't make it any easier but it's still there.

Keep your chin up and do the best you can.