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Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Polaris

I know that Mother's Day was two days ago now, but I wanted to honor my mother and today seemed like the perfect day to do so. Polaris - that may seem like a strange title for a post about someone's mother, but it isn't. That is what my mother has been in my life, my constant, the North Star.
I wish I could say that I was always the perfect child who did everything in the manner that I should, but that would be a lie. My teenage years were very troubled. It was a difficult time in my life that began really when my grandmother died and sank further on the slippery downward spiral when my parents divorced. None of my actions are their fault, I made my own choices. I try to own up to the choices that I made.
I hurt my mother in so many ways, disappointed her, worried her and caused her an untold amount of grief - all to my everlasting shame. When I was young, I thought I understood life. I thought that I knew it all, and that I had nothing left to learn from my mother. Lucky for me, in her wisdom, she knew better. All through the lies, the pain, and the terror that was those dark years of my life, my mother's love was there - shining like the North Star, pointing my way back home. All I had to do was look up, reach out and see her there - loving me no matter what.
It's hard to believe that my mother made it through those years, still loving me. But, somehow, she did. My life didn't get better over night, but, slowly but surely through her patience, I made my way back.
When I had a child of my own, I finally understood how little about life that I actually knew. When I became a mother, I finally understood the pain that I had caused to a heart that did nothing but love me. I tell my mother often how sorry I am about those years and those times, and I try to show her how much I love her. I know though, that no apology or amount of love could ever repay the unconditional faith and love that she had for me all those years.
I guess the greatest tribute that I can pay to my mother, is to try to be Polaris for my own daughters. I hope that they won't make the same mistakes that I have made in my life, but if they do, I will be there loving them and hoping to guide them safely home.
Mom, I know I don't say it often enough - but THANK YOU, so much.... for EVERYTHING. You really are my hero, my inspiration and everything good that I may be is a mother, is all because you taught me the way with your love.

1 comments:

Jen said...

I love your mom too!! Hugs to her!

Jen