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Monday, May 26, 2008

Homefires....

I am working hard to keep the homefires burning bright, but it gets harder and harder with no relief in sight.

I hate only having e-mail and the occassional phone call to cling to, but I know it's better than nothing. Still, lately it has been practicially nothing. I've reveieved one e-mail from my husband. Now I know that he is working hard and getting little sleep, I get it. What worries me is the time ahead. Is this all that I can look forward to for six long months?

Love's a heavy weight and I don't think that I can carry it all alone. I can't keep the homefires burning for both of us. He has to do his part too. I'm not sure he gets it. I'm not even sure he cares.I sat down and wrote a list - 10 things that would make my life easier while you're gone. I'm not going to give it to him. Why bother? I'm not sure he would read it, it may even seem ungrateful. I have a terrible habit of always coming across in the wrong way when talking to my husband. It usually never goes well.

Here's my list - I have to share it with someone, even if it is just myself.
1. Please leave plenty of emergency reserves so that I don't have to worry. The car may need something, my washer is as old as our oldest child and both the refrigerator and the microwave are on the fritz. It's only a matter of time...
2. The price of gas is killing me. Please increase my monthly budget to allot for this. This will be the first 'raise' in 5 years.
3. Please check the shutters, gutters and roof. I don't want anything flying off while you are gone and you know how bad the wind here gets.
4. Please forget about getting the lawnmower fixed and let me keep the lawn boys.
5.Occassionally think about the girls and I - an e-mail once a week just isn't cutting it, especially when I know there will be times that I won't even get that.
6. Plan ahead. Did you ever think that I might like a little something for halfway night? A love letter would be great - it doesn't have to be something you buy. Tell me how you feel, that would be the greatest gift you could give me.
7. I am running on empty emotionally. Fumes.... how will they get me through this long time ahead?
8. Tell me that you love me so I don't have to worry while you are gone. Tell me that you'll do your best to be safe, because if you haven't figured out that when you leave my heart goes with you... well, you aren't as smart as I know you are.
9. Fill out all proper legal papers.
10. Must have POA's for everything. I can't function any other way. How can I do the job you expect me to if I don't have to the tools?

Really I just want to say... Don't go. Like Rose in the Titanic as she is about to be swallowed by the Ocean - Don't go. Stay here with me. I know he can't. I know he has to go. I know it's my job to send him with a smile. God, can you imagine - a smile? How will I do that? I don't think I will be able to smile for the next long time.... Good thing it's summer or my face could freeze with this unhappy look. Somehow, I have got to keep it together for myself, my children, for him, for all the people counting on me... Shit. Guess I'll have to put off the breakdown indefinitely....

Ok, the pity party is over for now. I feel better already and now, I must face the day. Another day, without him. Memorial day - yet just another day. One more day and one more day and one more day... I feel like the little engine who could - maybe if I tell myself it often enough, I really will survive the next little while.

4 comments:

April said...

You are perfectly entitled to feel the way you do. I don't know if I could ever be in your situation...as I sit here typing on my laptop, my hubby snores like a truck driver on the couch behind me. It's a sound I'm trying to imagine not hearing every single night. I give you lots of credit missy for keeping it together for your family! But remember you deserve a break now and then too! Take care of your mental health...I'm thinking of you!

Ann M. said...

My husband is very similar to yours, and I know how futile it feels sometimes to try and talk to him about it, so I can sympathize. I think it might be worth it, though, to ask him to try and communicate more, if only for the girls.

And I'd just keep the lawn boys. You do what you need to do when he's not around. If you have to sell broken lawn mower for parts to pay for the lawn boys, so be it. Maybe that'll drive home the point.

Ann M. said...

Just stopped by today to see how you were doing and to tell you that I left an award for you over on my blog ;)

Hope you're well!

Moonaroo said...

What a great post. Beautiful, positive writing about lonliness, feeling alone, and being alone a long time with children. It reminds me that a husband doesn't have to be on tour with the military to be absent. Mine just works too darn much. This post is a great perspective tester. Thank you.