Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Whose Time Table Am I On Anyway?

Do you ever get the feeling that you do everything in someone else's time? Never when it may please you to do something, but always instead when it can be done or when it must be done. Lately this seems to be the story of my life and I hate it. I hate feeling like anything and EVERYTHING in my life is at someone else's convenience.

My friend says that this is the way with everyone. We shop when the stores are open, we go to work when we are told. Yes, I do shop when the stores are open - but within my own time constraints. With my husband and his job, I feel like everything we do is on someone else's terms.

We celebrate holidays and birthdays - not necessarily when we should as other people do - but when we can. Christmas isn't always on December 25th for us. Last year it was, but the year prior it was actually December 17th. Close enough for government work, I guess.

My whole life revolves around the convenience and happiness of others. It's frustrating to say the least. Even my sex life goes according to my husband's work schedule. Saturday night for instance is usually a very good night. The thing is, what happens when Saturday night rolls around and I am not so inclined? Well, in all honesty, I usually acquiesce... who knows when the opportunity will present itself again?

I am just angry and frustrated. I would have thought that after all these years together, this predeployment build up wouldn't apply to us. We wouldn't go through the fear of seperation, the anxiety about the loss, the anger/fear/ resentment. Haven't we been through this enough times now? Suprisingly, it is as if we are going through it all for the first time. Here I am, just like a new Navy wife, going through all the same fears and uncertainties that I have faced and conquered so many times in the past.

I want to get through this - hold my family together. Still, just once in a while, I would like to do things in my own sweet time, not at the convenience of others. It doesn't seem like a lot to ask, does it? I am looking forward to moving thought this stage of predeployment and working my way to where I can be stable and ok again. I hate the anger and resentment I sometimes feel, especially when, rationally, I know it isn't my husbands fault. Anyone else out there ever feel like everything they do is on someone else's timetable?


Ann M. said...

I tell my husband sometimes that I feel like the Navy is his actual wife, and I'm the mistress. She gets to put all kinds of demands on him and I just have to accept them...and basically take what I can get in terms of time with him. The Navy likes to make sure that we know our place--it's always at their convenience.

April said...

You poor thing. I don't think I could handle being in your shoes at ALL. I don't like doing things when others need me to do them..and I would hate not seeing my hubby on a regular basis.

Rural Writer said...

I cant relate with a miliatry hubby but I know the restraints jobs can put on a family. My husband has had to work birthdays an dholidays and we've had to spend them without him all in the name if paying that light bill.