Saturday, March 15, 2008

Have You Ever Felt Invisible?

Honestly, I do sometimes. I'm not sure why I feel that way, and rationally I realize that no one but me makes me feel it. Still, sometimes I think that I could disappear and no one would notice until there was no one to feed the children or take care of the mountain of laundry. Have you ever felt like that? Mainly irrelevant? Let me tell you, it sucks.

I have been reading this wonderful book called "I Promise". It's all about how we don't have the power to change other people, only ourselves. I have been trying to employ some of the ideas to my own life and, at least with my husband, on good days, I can really see a difference. The thing is, I don't think that the principals can be applied to the most problematic relationship in my life right now - my mother in law. The changes that I make do not bring about reciprocal changes, and maybe that's not the point of changing my own behavior anyway. Right now, I am really confused and I don't like feeling out of balance.

I really hate feeling like a stranger in my own home, or worse, like I said, the Invisible Woman. Still, no one knows the way I feel - only you. No one sees the sadness that I carry inside most of the time. Maybe I have just gotten really good at putting on a happy face. Or worse, maybe they just don't care.

I know that these negative thoughts aren't healthy for me, so I am trying to be healthier by getting them out here. Later I am off to a birthday party with Posh, so that should be fun and maybe it will make today look so much better. Hopefully a change of environment will allow me to reflect on all these things in my heart.

Toward that end, here are some things that I am thankful for today:
1. Rainy days - great for napping.
2. A good book. It is wonderful to read something that uplifts the human condition and reveals some greater truth. Sometimes it's wonderful just to read for the FUN of it!
3. Chocolate fondue - don't worry, I didn't break the bank on the diet, I had some fondue with fruit last night for dessert and then this morning, I worked out an extra day - twice as hard.
4. This blog - cause the ability to get this all out, in a venue that I feel is safe... well, that's just priceless.
5. Birthday parties - because getting out of this house without a caravan lately is ALWAYS a good thing.
6. My husband is helping with his mother -hopefully he can shuttle her to the pharmacy today so that I don't get stuck with that never ending responsibility.
7. My mom is coming to visit in two weeks.
8. My step dad is also coming for Sporty's birthday, so I am really looking forward to that.
9. My flowers are starting to bloom.
10. I love the peace that I find digging in my garden. Especially when I am the ONLY one with the clippers. I hate when someone else who doesn't know or understand my flowers wants to clip them. It's like having a stranger or worse someone you know but aren't really sure you like give you a bikini wax. Gross, I know but the analogy remains.

Hope everyone that may be reading this has a wonderful weekend with many things to be thankful for. Remember, Monday is St. Patricks Day!


Sandy said...

Aww, Snow. I'm sorry. I'm catching up on my blog reads (boy am I behind!!) This post really touched me. I've not read the book you mentioned so I'm not sure what take it has on the idea of reciprocal change. I can tell you this. Sometimes the change we make and the change we see in others has nothing to do with what they alter - it has everything to do with the way we allow the situation to control or influence us. I'd say the post you wrote after this one shows that you *have* made some significant change yourself. You've changed the way you seek balance and the way you're going to put yourself out there. That's huge.

Good luck and know I'm pulling for you!