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Sunday, March 23, 2008

Things I Wish that I Could Change




I wish that I could go back to that Good Friday so long ago, and make my Dad eat his words. My Grandmother wasn't sick. My Grandmother didn't have Cancer and she wasn't dying.

I wish I could go back to that Easter, and keep him from telling me that my Grandmother passed in the night.

I wish that I could stop drawing the horse picture in my mind - the one that I spent hours working on to make my Grandmother feel better. It was returned to me, unopened. She never got it.

I wish I could go back and say goodbye. I never had the chance to. Sometimes I dream about her, and she's alive and wondering where I have been all these years. That's the hardest thing.

Ever since that day 28 years ago, Easter has never been the same. My life hasn't been the same. My Grandmother was my best friend. Before she died, I lived a charmed life, I didn't think that anything bad could ever happen to me. Then.... devastation.

I miss her every single day and I always think about how different my life would have been had she lived. I wish she could have met her great - granddaughters - each one of them have so much of her. My oldest has her eyes - my youngest shares her ( ok - OUR) quick temper and a name. I know that she would have doted on them.

It makes me so happy watching my mom with my children because it is almost like a brief window to the past. I'm a little girl again, that awful Easter has never happened - and there's my Grandmother. I am so glad that my children love my mom the same way that I loved my Grandmother.

Things I will Always be grateful for:
1. Her quick smile
2. Her flambouyant style.
3. All the card games she taught me.
4. Those days at the beach.
5. Her stories about the lizards and swimming with a full stomache.
6. The way she doted on my grandfather, but got angry with him sometimes too. She would let him get so far and then she would say, "Oh BULLSHIT John!"
7. I remember the way she used to talk in her sleep, some of my funniest memories are about that.
8. Whenever we went to visit, she would make us chips and dip. My sisters and I called it dippy cheese. I can remember the little egg shaped dishes she always put it in.
9. I can remember the way she smelled - Wind Song or Chanel No.5.
10. I will always be grateful for every second of every day that I had with my Grandmother. I miss her still. I miss her always.

4 comments:

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Keri said...

I cried through this post... oh how the memories can be so sweet and painful at the same time.

She sounds like a wonderful woman. The type your little girls will love to grow up and be like. You keep her memory alive with you and share it all with them.

April said...

What a beautiful, heartfelt tribute to your grandmother. I cried too becuz I could feel your pain! But also your joy and loving memories of her.

And I will always remember how MY Nana smelled...White Linen by Elizabeth Arden. Isn't it funny what kids will remember? ;-)

Roe said...

Christmas hasn't been the same since my Nana died. She died in April of 1991, but Christmas was 'our' holiday.

It'll be 17 years in a few short weeks. It seems like forever and just yesterday all at once.