Thursday, October 4, 2007

A Ton of Bricks

Recently, I was asked by a friend if I could go back in time and change something about my life ( without it impacting my life now) what would I change? I choose to erase my first marriage. Anyone who knew me then and knows me now wouldn't really be surprised by that decision. In my heart, I truly believe that going through with that sham of a marriage the first time was a total disaster for everyone concerned. I never loved him, in my heart, and I know that no true marriage ever took place. Since then, that date has been erased, but I wish that I could erase it from my memory too.

My husband now, my marriage now, are everything to me. I love my husband with all my heart, I never thought it was possible to love another human being that wasn't your child as much as I love him.

My friends that have known me a long time, know that prior to my disasterous first marriage, I was in a horribly abusive relationship for almost six years. Looking back on my friends question, I ask myself why I didn't choose to erase those years. Wrapping my head around why I didn't make that choice, the answer hit me like a ton of bricks. I guess, deep down, I have some ownership of those years. I was there, I chose to stay. In my heart then, I truly believed that I loved that boy. I believed that if I just loved him enough, was constant enough, that he would change. I know now that no matter how much you might think you love someone, you can't make them change. They have to do that themselves.

You'd think if I could go back and erase part of my life, I would go back and erase getting thrown through a window. Or being offered to his friend as a birthday present. But I didn't. I have some ownership of that. I also learned a lot from it. I learned what love is and what is isn't.

True love believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. True love never dies.

Anything less than that isn't love at all.